OK.<P>I think I know how everyone is going to advise me on this one.<P>Most of you know my story so I won't bore you to tears with it. I'm the one with the wayward wife who is having an affair with a member of the same sex. She freely admitted this to me six months ago. But ever since our separation and my revealing her affair to all family members about two months ago, she has tried to put accross this OP as just her best friend. She has always insisted from the beginning that she is not gay. Just doesn't think of this OP as a woman, but another person. She even stated this to Steve Harley in the one session he had with her. I am in Plan A and have done quite a bit, and still want to do a lot more, to meet her ENs.<P>One of my wife's chief complaints has always been that when we were together, I had a lack of interest in having sex with her. This is an EN that I would love to meet with her and something I miss dearly. My birthday is Thursday. Anybody think I might be playing with fire if I was to "suggest" something special for that night?<P>I know that there are going to be those of you that will feel compelled to jump right in and say no way, pal. Don't even think of asking her to meet any of YOUR needs while in Plan A.<P>But the way I'm thinking that if my wife really believes she is not a homosexual, maybe she still needs to hear from me that I am interested. She has gained quite a bit of weight since this all started. Is it possible that she believes she no longer is attractive?<P>I wouldn't even think of doing this, but things have gotten better during the last month or so. We talk a lot more. Attend church and family events together. Although we are separated, we live about five minutes apart. The kids are with me one week, her the next. We have just started doing some small things together as a family(meet for ice cream, etc. I'm paying some of her medical bills, burning some CDs for her. She has given me some money for a new fence. One or two bad moments have mixed in. One night our youngest daughter missed me so much, she wanted to come home. I leaked out my opinion to my wife that this was only going to get worse. She stated that no matter what, she was never moving back. But these moments have been few.<P>So does anybody have any thoughts on this? Am I being too forward or demanding? Or could I be doing some good in letting her know how I still feel? Is there a way to be subtle about it...but still put across my meaning?<P>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited June 11, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited June 12, 2001).]

Always Hopeful<BR>For you to suddenly suggest sex for your birthday present might be a big LB for her. I would start by telling her how nice she looks, take her for dinner, treat her really special, and see how much she warms up to you. Try flirting and judge whether or not she's ready by her reactions.<BR>Don't expect too much too fast!

Yes, I would rather error on the side of caution. How about asking your wife if the "family" could help celebrate your birthday - you, your wife and your children? <P>I think you are doing an excellent job. She will allow you to meet some of her emotional needs, this is good. The affair is out in the open, this is good! It will begin to lose its appeal! You have made terrific progress, but I think I would not expect anything from your wife in the bedroom yet.... <P>But it doesn't hurt to communicate non-verbally that you still find her sexually appealing. <P>Happy Birthday, by the way!<BR>TnT

AH - glad to hear there may be a bit of defrosting. <P>If it wasn't your birthday, I'd say go for it in the way that MAEZY suggests, but then very cautiously. But it being your birthday sorta tips the scales for me in that it may make it seem that you're more interested in your satisfaction than hers. <P>On the other hand, if sex was an issue, you need to communicate somehow to her that you're more sensitive to her needs now than you used to be - a Plan A result. Have you communicated this yet?<P>Maybe the best solution is wait a while longer, see if the thawing continues, then give it a go when you feel the time is right. Any way you can communicate that you're remembering her needs is a must.<P>WAT

Thanks to all of you for your replies.<P>I do believe I will wait a while longer. I know that I am in part looking at my own needs here. It is going to be tough because this is my first birthday since d-day. I always liked doing something special with my wife.<P>It's also tough because of the sexuality problem here. In addition to the same problems all of you are experiencing, I have the added burden of the issue whether or not my wife is actually homosexual. She has repeatedly said no to this. Even to Steve Harley and one other counselor. I'm actually hanging on to this one thread of what I hope is the truth. I know that if she actually is, then there is nothing I can do about it. The fact that she is continuing to lie and cover up the realtionship, oddly enough, fuels this hope. If my wife is not inherently homosexual, then my case may be even easier to solve than most. Steve has even told me that my situation is not as uncommon as one might think. Her affair, although it has gotten physical, is more deeply rooted as an emotional one.<P>I guess that by forcing the issue of sex, I was just searching for some type of answer...