Hello All,<P>It's actually been several weeks since I posted an update on my situation. Four weeks ago my W told me that she filed for divorce. My last post described how she told me. Since then, I gave up and stopped coming to this board, or to be more correct I stopped posting at this discussion board. I have been trying to come back and see what everyone's current situation is from time-to-time. Now it seems that things on my end have changed slightly since the last time I posted. I will try to go chronologically starting about 2-1/2 weeks ago. (I am going to cut and paste from emails that I have sent to a couple of friends - so I hope it doesn't seem too choppy)<P>2-1/2 weeks ago was my son's graduation from grade school. My W was in charge of the graduation ceremony. She called me the day before and asked if I could help. I said I would do what I could. So I got to the school before 8:00 and helped out here and there. She then told me I could go sit down for the ceremony. She said that her purse was over on the other side of the room and that she had saved seats for us. After a few minutes, she came over to sit down beside me. As she walked by me she put her hand on my shoulder. She got up several times and each time she came back she did the same thing. (I know - SO WHAT, stop reading more into it). But at several times, she would lean over to talk to me and every time she did, she would put her hand on my leg. Then at one point she put her arm on the back of my chair and when she did, she put her hand on my back. When the ceremony was over, we were in charge of cooking hot-dogs for 160 fifth graders. At one point during that process, my W asked me a question and called me honey (at this point I figured it was just a slip). Shortly after, I told her I was going back to work. I left out the back gate, as I was walking towards my truck she called me. She came up to me, put her hand on my chest, and said thank you for all the help I did. I kind of backed up and said you're welcome. She then asked me for a hug. Later that night, the fifth graders had a skating party. When it was over, the my kids and I started watching a hockey game. When my W had finally made sure that the last of the kids had been picked up by a parent, she came over, put her hand on my back, and asked if we were ready to go.<P>The next day was Friday, she called me and asked if I wanted her to come pick up my battery and get it replaced (my truck battery went out on Thursday). Why is she wanting to do things for me? Then she asked if I wanted to meet her at Sears and have it replaced. I told her no to both of those things and that I had something to do (actually go up to her folks house for dinner - but she doesn't need to know what I'm doing). While I was up there, she left a message on my cell phone to call her when I got a chance because she wanted to talk about the kids but I didn't call her back that night.<P>On Saturday, I called her and asked if I could take the kids swimming. She said that that is why she called me, but that I couldn't be bothered to return her call. She went on to say that she was at her friend's (not her male friend) house until 1:00 a.m. painting and needed to go over again to help move/arrange furniture, but she didn't want the kids to be alone. At one point, I said, "yeah I can take the kids so that you can go do whatever". She asked what I meant and I said, "well for all I know you are going out with OM." She got furious and hung up. I called back and asked when I could pick the kids up and she said whenever. <P>I got to the house at 1:15. When I got there, she said she needed to talk to me and had me follow her into the bedroom. She then apologized for the earlier phone conversation. We talked about various things. She said that she is not the one out doing "whatever" on the weekends and accused my of being the one that goes out every Friday and Saturday night. I think she actually thinks I have been dating. I chewed her out telling her how selfish she is and how she has basically screwed up this family because of her selfishness (well as best as possible for me - I am NOT good at confrontations or arguments). When I was done, she said that she guesses there is no future for us. I asked her what the hell she meant by a future and reminded her that she filed for divorce. She said she didn't want to file but that she had to because I kept trying to take things away from her. I told her that that was one of many reasons that she has given me. I also reminded her that she has been threatening divorce since mid-March. I asked her again what future she was talking about. She told me that she was starting to wonder if she wanted to try to make this work. She told me that over the past couple of days, she thinks she is back to where she was in February where she wished I would go on a business trip so that she could miss me. She said that she doesn't know where to go from here, or even if she wants to or not. I told her that if she decides to try to make this marriage work, then she could call me and I would make an appointment for us to talk to the counselor. That's basically how we left it, well that and that if we were to move forward it will have to be very slow. <P>At various points in the conversation, she told me that she is not happy with all of this, despite what I think; she told me that OM is still married and has not moved out; she told me that he is not moving to our city/state; she told me that when she was making all the preparations for the graduation party that she missed the fact that if things were different that I would be there with her and that it made her very sad; she accused me of dating - which I told her that I have morals and would not date until we were divorced; she told me that I took her family (mom, dad, brothers, and sisters) away from her because of my communications with them and that no one in her family will call her or talk to her. She also told me that she is a changed person and doesn't want to go back to where she was. I told her that I have also changed (which she agreed with). I told her that I am a lot stronger than I used to be (which she agreed with). I also told her that this whole thing has been VERY hard on me and that I will NEVER allow this to happen to me again.<P>Of course this is the Reader's Digest version - the conversation lasted until almost 5:00. She cried for almost the entire conversation.<P>We talked several times over the next week. A week ago Sunday, I told her that I had a counseling session on Thursday and that she was welcome to go with me if she wanted. AND she actually went.<P>AND Yes, I behaved myself at the counseling session - I never once mentioned the OM or the affair (plent of time for that at future sessions). I tried not to take any direct pokes at her. It went as well as could be expected. She did try to reinvent recent history regarding a discussion of money. She told the counselor that I recently got upset and told her that I wasn’t giving her money and that she needed to get a job. I asked her when I said that. She said the other day. I said, "What I said was that if you are going ahead with the divorce then I need to talk to my attorney to find out what my legal obligations are in light of the fact that I am paying for the house that you live in, all the utilities for the house, all of the bills, the insurance, the suburban that you are driving, and still giving you $1,000/month. I never said anything about you getting a job." To which she said, "ok fine whatever." The only other time things got a little edgy was when we talked about her calling cards and cell phone bill. The counselor did get on her case several times. One time my W said something about sometimes it might seem like she wants her cake and eat too, to which the counselor said, "no, it’s exactly like that, it doesn’t just seem like it." The counselor also got on her about her expecting me to do certain things should we get a divorce. The counselor told my W that she still wants to define my roles and that she has no right if we were to get a divorce. The counselor made my W admit that she has NOT filed for divorce yet. My W tried to give a bunch of B.S., but the counselor saw through it and finally said, "but you HAVE NOT filed yet", and my W finally said no. Toward the end of the session, the counselor turned to me and said, "S&C, I hope that if you guys do try to make things work, that you won’t let W continue to define the marriage" (which I thought was a bold statement with my W in the room). I said that I have already changed quite a bit and have gotten much stronger (which my W agreed with) and I will not allow myself to go through what I have already gone through. So, on an individual basis, I am already working on not letting her completely control me, as for us as a couple, we can work on that once we have made the commitment to make this marriage work. At the end of the session, the counselor asked my W if she was still interested in attending the next session, and she said, "oh, yes". We then made an appointment for next Tuesday. Is this encouraging? I don’t want to read too much into things and get my hopes up. <P>Oh, I lied. I guess I did mention the OM indirectly at the counseling session. At a point when my W was saying that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to fix all this, I said that I am concerned that there are other factors involved in that decision. Of course, my W rolled her eyes at this. I told her not to roll her eyes and she said she wasn’t that she was just closing them. So yes, I did mention the affair, but only that one time.<P>After work I went over to the my W's friend's house and built the floor/base of a shed for my W. Oh that's a funny story. My W and her friend hired her friend's brother-in-law to build the shed for $50. He totally screwed up the metal base (bent it all up, didn't assemble it properly, and left out the most important pieces) so the floor couldn't be leveled, and then he asked for more money. My W told me later that he is a complete idiot. My W called and asked if I could come fix the floor. So I ended up scrapping the metal base (too screwed up) and going down and buying $50 worth of wood to build a base. It's now rock solid and perfectly level (too much of the engineer in me showing through - I know). My W has planned all along that she was going to build the shed herself (she IS very handy), but when I opened the box, I made her read the instructions. After about 15 minutes, she said, "I think I'm in over my head." I told her I would come over on Saturday morning and help her build the shed. She then spent the next 30 minutes telling me how much of a pig her friend is and showed me her closet and how stressed out she is that she has all this cleaning to do before she can move the rest of her stuff over. I really had to show great restraint to not say something about her making her bed and now she has to lay in it.<P>On Saturday, I went over to my W's friend's house at 10:00 am and didn't leave until 9:00 pm. Her friend wasn't there. It was just my W and I (and the kids) We spent the entire time finishing the shed. We worked together. We laughed together. We swore together (those darn flimsy metal sheds can be frustrating to build - especially a large one). It felt very comfortable again. Oh there were several times that it felt kind of awkward, but most of the time it was like old times. I did screw up later that night, however. I couldn't sleep so at 1:00 am, I called my W. I wanted to talk to her about somethings, but instead just told her that I couldn't sleep. I felt like a real idiot. I wanted to tell her about how comfortable it was being around her the past couple of days. I wanted to tell her that on several ocassions, I wanted to walk up behind her and give her a kiss, like I used to do when we would do a job like that together, and I actually had to consciously stop myself from doing it. I think these are thoughts that I probably ought to bring up in counseling on Tuesday. So instead of asking these questions, I just told her that I couldn't sleep.<P>Yesterday was Father's day and I had the kids. Late in the afternoon, I was thinking that it was kind of sh!++y that she didn't call me for Father's Day. But when I got back to my apartment after taking the kids to the pool in the early evening, I saw that she had tried to call my cell phone. She called again about an hour later to tell me how sorry she was that she didn't do anything special for me on Father's Day. She then asked if we could have a belated Father's Day next week and take the boat out and go skiing.<P>I think she may be showing some signs of turning around, which is why I am back here on these boards. I have been getting some wonderful advice from someone I met on these boards (you know who your are ). I now hope that some of you others can provide me your feedback on how to proceed and whether or not I should consider these events encouraging. Of course, I am sure that my W is still contacting OM.<P>I am sorry for the loooooooong looooooong post, but I wanted to bring you all up to speed.<P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited June 18, 2001).]

It's great to have you back! <P>I agree with you that it does seem as though she is starting to take steps in the right direction, the fog's beginning to lift! But, and you know this already, it's a long hard slog ahead - one step back for every two steps forward! You're doing OK and I'm happy for you - you have found in yourself a whole new inner strength and determination.<P>No advice at the moment - I'm having a 'down' day and need a cup of tea and my Prozac LOL! But I'll be back soon <P>Take care, Paint.

S&C<P> I recall reading your posts when I first came to this board a couple of months ago.<P> It seems like this is one of the first posts I have read that showed some optimism regarding your W's behavior toward you. I could be wrong there--correct me if I am. <P> It is hard to be optimisitic without looking around the corner for the bogeyman...I posted about this earlier today re: my situation...but your post does indicate at least some hope.<P> Your strength comes through in your post and perhaps your W is recognizing this new strength in you, too. <P> I don't have any advice but I wish you the best as you, like the rest of us, work our way through this interesting and always circuitous path we find ourselves on.<P> E <P>

Hi sadandconfused:<P>Well, if I ever saw anyone who was reaching out to their BS it's your WS. She's almost Plan Aing you and in this case you seem to be the one who's hesitant. But that's understandable....you've been here before. I don't know however, how many chances you will get with her....this seems to be a genuine effort on her part....meet her half-way, at least.<P>Sometimes it takes a leap of faith on our part to subject ourselves to more hurt, but trust has to start somewhere. <BR>Do this for your children if nothing else....everyone deserves a second chance. I'll glad things seem to be turning around for you....you never know what's over the next hill, do you?<P><BR>Faye<P><BR>

Paint & Elad,<P>Thank you both for your comments. You both mentioned you noticed a new strength in my post. I guess I never recognized it for that. I do tend to stand up for myself these days, but I also recognize that some of the arguments we have is over trivial things and not worth arguing over.<P><BR>Elad, I know exactly what you are saying about looking for the boogeyman. I too have been lied to so much over the past few months that I am a little gun-shy regarding her motives. I always have in the back of my mind the thought that she is trying to get something or has some alterior (spelling?) motive.<P>Buffy - I am sorry if I seem hesitant. I really am not. I have been doing everything I can to reconcile. However, my wife has not committed to making things work yet (at least not verbally). At this point, my hesitation is more caused by my reservations at reading too much into things. I would take that leap of faith in a heartbeat (and actually have in many ways that I haven't listed here - gave her $1,000 to buy new tires, bought her an airline ticket to visit her sick sister, paid for a bill that she didn't have the money for, spent a whole eventing doing a brake job for her, etc.)<P>S&C<P>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited June 18, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited June 18, 2001).]