Ok I am new here i have read a lot about a.<BR>This is so hard to get through without help. My h had an a<BR>but it happened where we both are employed and so is she. I had an idea because of rumors and he finally admitted it and said it was over. but he found all the reasons to be because i gained weight and all his needs weren't be met because of that. i can except that but..... what about my needs i did not go outside the marriage to have all my needs met. i made a commitment and am willing to fulfill that but i can't find an understanding. he says ahead get om and you'll be able to see how it happens. we have children and i would really like to save our marriage for them also. how long do you hurt, how do you let go of all the bad memories? the ow was a friend to us all and we talked and did things together but i did not pick up on it until it was to late. my h and i had not had sex with anyone else and now i am dealing with this---a comparison.<BR>any suggestions. dd was 3 months ago he says he still has feelings for her

Well, you have been strong enough to survive 3 months - without finding us lot here at MB's!! That's pretty strong you know!<P>I can't tell you when the pain will go away, no-one can. I can tell you that you have some control over it. You can decide to take control of the situation as much as you are able, you can make a Plan (Plan A, Plan B, or another one), you can decide to find strength, forgiveness, compassion, empathy and love in your heart - instead of resentment, hate and anger. You can support yourself, as Dr. Harley suggests, by thinking about going on anti-depressants for a while. You can write all your feelings down in journals, you can post here for advice, help and to vent your anger 'safely', you can pray and/or meditate, you can look after yourself, nourish your own self-esteem. There are so many ways to make the pain easier to bear - but it's hard to feel like doing any of those things when you feel so down. Make a plan now - to do just one thing to make yourself feel better at a time. Make a plan for your marriage and make some decisions - but don't overwhelm yourself. Focus on one specific thing at a time. <P>You have got off to a great start by reading all the articles on this website - if you have decided that you really want to try and save your marriage and to work on making your relationship even better than before, then all you need now is determination, courage, strength and faith (in yourself as well as 'God' or other spiritual mentor). Work on yourself - treat yourself as No. 1 priority for a while, build those strengths and qualities up inside of you. The path is rough, but you have friends here to help you along the way.<P>hugs, Paint.

hurtinsally<P>Your H is displaying withdrawl symptoms(unless he's still seeing OW) but it doesn't sound like it. 3 months is not that long when your read through some of the recovery stories. Some of these x-WS's were in withdrawl for a full year before they felt love towards their spouses again. It must be tough. Hang in there, do your best plan A-I assume you're in plan A, and things should get better!

thanks for your advice. have a ? what are the withdrawal symptoms? oh and by the way we have been married for 13 years and i am still in shock. i guess i lived in a fairy tale world. i really didn't think this type of stuff really could happen to someone.

Yes hurtinsally, I know exactly how you feel. My H and I were M for 25 years and thought my M was A proof! I was in shock a long time-probably still am somewhat. It's been 4 months since d-day. My H lives with OW.<P>I kept thinking to myself-why didn't someone tell me this could happen? Why haven't I seen a show on Oprah or 60 minutes about this?<P>I haven't been through withdrawl symptoms with my H yet so I can't speak first hand but I belive they are the same as when H is in the fog, only gradually getting better.

To explain withdrawal symptoms - imagine that the other woman is a very addictive substance, and your husband has become an addict. Withdrawal symptoms are what he feels when he can no longer get his 'fixes'. The urge to get that fix is very strong, and it causes him intense emotional pain to resist that urge. Gradually, the urges get less and less and he begins to recover. During the withdrawal stage, there is not a lot you can do - his pain is so intense that he can't hear you, can't understand you, can't appreciate you. All you can do is stay calm, level-headed, and keep the routine day-to-day stuff running as smoothly as possible - support in the background! He will come to appreciate your strength in time...<P>Hope that helps,<BR>Paint.

Fog? I don't understand....<BR>How do you get past the ow? this just makes no since. my h says don't try to make since out of this because you never will. he says he made a mistake. well a mistake to me is a one time thing not something that went on for a year. although i am trying to meet his needs by changes i am making i still look at him and see that no changes are made on his behalf other than not seeing the other woman. for example dr. h talks about our needs. we both set down and discussed and went over them. i am filling his needs but there are no changes for him. i except the same way of life. i am not understanding.

I don't think you can expect much from your H for awhile. I know it's not fair. He has to get through this first. Try to be strong! Keep reading and posting and learning how others have coped.

The 'Fog' is how we describe our wayward spouses minds - when they are in an affair they are living in a fantasy world - a cosy bubble of perfection that they have created for themselves. They are 'dating' and sharing 'romantic moments' - far removed from reality. They don't think straight - they can't think straight, because their minds are filled with 'fog'. Eventually reality starts to eat away at their little bubble, the 'fog' starts to clear, and they eventually realise what a big mistake they made. This can take a long time - and in many cases it takes actually living with the other woman to get that dose of reality, and find that the 'bubble' isn't so perfect after all - you know, once they've worried about paying the bills, have had to deal with each other's guilt and 'down' days, he's had to cope with her PMS... <P>You will also find the 'fog' referred to as the wayward spouse being an 'alien' - because it's like your husband has been abducted and some alien clone has been put in his place - they behave so differently during an affair and do so many things that are totally out of character for them.<P>I would suggest you get the book 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr. Harley - it will explain a lot to you and get you familiar with the stages that wayward spouses go through, how to cope with them, and what Plan A and Plan B are...<P>Best wishes, Paint.