I spoke to my H last night after my bible study meeting. I explained to him that while I appreciated that he came home to help with the finances and the kids, I was coming to the conclusion that he had no intention of working on our marriage, and that the only final conclusion I could draw from that, is that he doesn't love me. I said that while I felt guilty about the fact that he's now given up his apartment and moved all of his stuff home, my guilt was not a reason for him to stay if he has no intention of working on the marriage. I said that he had been, since coming home, emotionally abusing me by going from commitment to lack of commitment each day. I said that while I understand that he is in pain over not being with OW, he made the choice to fall in love with her, and so my understanding could only go so far. I said his unwillingness to even TRY to see what MY needs are is totally unfair and I feel like I'm constanting getting kicked in the stomach. I told him NONE of his actions have been fair or right. I told him that the counselor said the rings (he spent $4,000 on new wedding rings to show his "commitment") needed to go back to save us from further financial trouble, and I told him that I agreed with the counselor. Well, you want to know what my H said to all of this? NOTHING! Not one single, solitary word. He went to sleep. <P>This morning, when I was finished getting ready for work, he just laid back down on the bed. He said he hadn't slept last night (I beg to differ, I was awake listening to him snore!), so he was staying home from work. I told him that I had an explanation for his behavior lately, that I'd been afraid for a long time to share for fear that it might just be true, but that if he wanted me to explain it to him, he could come out in the garage for a smoke. He went and I explained to him that I thought he had married me to be a mother to him. It would explain why he continually thanks me for "setting him on the right path", in that he was destined to be anything from a career criminal to an alcoholic, drug abuser, until I came along. I told him, sure we were attracted to each other physically, but that I thought the real attraction for him was that I was a responsible grown-up with purpose in my life, and that he wanted that too. I told him that because his mother never made him feel loved, he was very content getting that mothering from me. I told him that I figured the reason he never placed me in the priority position I deserved could be because he's never thought of me as a wife, but as his mom. I mean, what kid puts their mother in the place of honor that they deserve? I told him it would also explain why even though our physical relationship was awesome, it had dwindled over the last several years to almost non-existent. I said in effect, I helped him "grow up" and be a good responsible boy, and when he didn't need that anymore, he chose another relationship for the romance, admiration, affection that he did not want to get from me. <P>Wow, was I scared to say all of that. But, it's a realization that I think is an accurate picture of our marriage. I explained to him that I felt he needed to go and stay with his sister for a while to really think about what he wants for his future. He needs to give serious thought to why he wanted to come home and why he cannot truly commit to working on our marriage. I told him I wanted off the emotional roller coaster he's put me on and the only way I could see that happening is if he leaves for a while. He's got all day without me there to think about things. <P>Sorry, just cannot keep giving when there's nothing but pain and loss of self-respect and self-worth in return.<BR>

I support your decision. There comes a time when we all have to say enough is enough. But if you love him, then the time for enough is enough is never (yep, just watched The Mexican last week)<P>Maybe a drastic move like this will cause permanent change in him. Don't make anything legal yet, just separate, if you feel you must. And when and if you see those changes, maybe you guys still have a chance!

Don't think of it as giving up. In stead, think of it as letting go for a short while.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to say Myownme...just think that you showed a lot of courage...big [[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]] and prayers coming your way!<P><BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Myownme,<P>I agree with Terrified, don't look at it as giving up. Look at it as identifying your boundaries and helping him to focus on the things that are important. This isn't over. It's a period of cooling off and regrouping for the both of you. He needs to know that if you continue to resent him, you will lose what love you still have.<P>S&C

Well, he called me at work. He said that he had thought about what I said, and that he sort of agreed with it. He said that his own mother had been telling him these past months that he WAS his father. When I asked him "in what way?" He said that his father had been adopted as a child and that he was essentially a "farm hand". When his father married his mother, it was to receive loving and nurturing that he had not gotten from his mother. His father made selfish, self-centered decision throughout the whole marriage. He had, in effect, "never grown up" and never treated his wife with the respect and honor that she deserved. After about 17 years, his mother got fed up and left his father. His father is now married to his THIRD mother! He, in effect, has never changed. My H broke down when he said "after what you said this morning about me marrying you for the mothering that you could give me, I realize maybe I AM my father." He cried and cried and said that the one thing his father had never said to his mother was how sorry he was for what he'd put her through. He told me that no matter what happens after all this, he is truly sorry for what he's put me through.<P>So now I pray that he gets the help he needs to make the changes he needs to make, whether it be for growing and changing our relationship, or to prevent the same behavior in any new relationships. I told him before I hung up that I LOVED HIM. He said "I know you do."

It does seem that he has indeed made a slight breakthrough in understanding his own self. I think there is definitely still chance for you two. But only if he makes drastic efforts to work on his problems. This time of separation may be just what the proverbial doctor ordered for you two.

Myownme,<BR>That was a huge step to take, you are a brave soul. Hope this step will turn your marriage around for you - as you are well deserving. It is hard to come clean with realizations like you did. I pray for all the best. aftershock