H tells me he has signed the lease for October 1st but hasn't yet given them a cheque for the apartment. He plans to drop off some money this weekend. He does say, don't worry, I can get out of it for $100. After he announces this, I became VERY depressed and had to leave the house with my D. He tried to stop me and become intimate??? I resisted and left for several hours. I told him I know he wants to do this but it's so hard. He says, we have enough money to do this. What's the "we" part? We've always had joint bank accounts so I told him that I'm going to open up my own. He says, Dont't do that yet. Am I getting snowed? I told him that we should tell our closest neighbour that this is going to happen. He says, "Don't say anything" yet. Don't tell anyone where I am." <P>I'm at a standstill right now and need some help with this.

Sorry for trying to bump this up but I just need a little help with this. It's so hard to act happy right now. It seems that he is but I'm sinking...

Dear Terrified,<P>I have already shared with you our situation. My H moved out in March 2001 for 3 weeks to "find himself" he was on a "personal quest" to "figure himself out". I objected, but when he finally moved, I agreed to continue to try to work on our marriage. He was so convincing. <P>I now know that moving out was a signal to the OW that he was willing to leave me. She rejected him.<P>In my opinion, and my opinion only, it is not necessary to be happy about his decision or to condone it. However, if he has decided this is what he is going to do, it is unlikely that anything you do can stop him.<P>I suggest you read Bramblerose's posts on control - "Do you want to be right or be married" and her replies to hurtbyhubby's thread. It may help you find your way.<P>My thoughts will be with you.<P>Newwoman

Hello NW, Thanks for your reply. If I don't condone or act happy, how do I act for the next month or so? He doesn't want anyone to know...should I split the bank accounts despite his protests? Oh,I'm so confused and scared that this is really the beginning. I only pray that he doesn't do this.

Dear Terrified,<P>I realize that this will be very, very difficult to do. However, you will need to determine what you want to make you feel as comfortable as anyone can feel in this situation.<P>If separate accounts will make you feel more comfortable, get a separate account. If getting away from him for awhile when he discusses his plans helps you, get away.<P>When my H announced his decision to leave, after talking about it for 6 months, I was, at first furious. I expressed that fury. I came up with a written plan of the specific things that would make me feel more comfortable and presented it as a starting point for negotiation. The plan included a "cooling off" period for 1 week in which our only contact would be about our children. We worked out the days he would be responsible for our children. I planned other activities on those days. While we were separated, he took our children, alone on a trip for spring break. We agreed that he would arrange a date for us at least once a week. I agreed I would not call him.<P>It actually worked reasonably well. My only mistake was letting him move home too soon. However, I was not aware of the "truth" at that time, and really could not, without knowing the real situation effectively negotiate a real recovery plan.<P>Athough incredibly painful, the separation convinced me I could live without him. I didn't want to live without him -but I could. That was a big step for me (childhood issues re abandonment and rejection).<P>At the moment, you don't know whether he will really leave. I suggest that you consider coming up with a plan. You need not discuss it with him now, unless you think such a conversation will be productive. I also suggest that you consider lining up some things to do with friends or just for yourself (i.e. and evening class in something that interests you). Having a plan will put control back in your life, not over him or his actions, but over you.<P>Finally, if it happens, and you find that it is just to painful to continue to interact with him while he is away, consider going to Plan B.<P>I felt hopeless as I watched our relationship spin out of control over 18 months. It is now, finally, back on track. 22 days of no contact and a new and improved version of the H I married is back in my life. He also has a new and improved wife.<P>I hope others will share their experiences and advice. I have learned so much from the people here.<P>Newwoman

T- your H sounds pretty uncetain about if he truly wants his own place or not. Most likely he just wants time alone to think about what he's doing with his life. My H moved out for a month to 'think' he said he was staying with friends but instead he ended up at OW's empty condo-she took a job transfer around that time to see if he would divorce me for her. She figured when he moved out that meant full steam ahead and urged him to look for apts on his lunch hrs and see an attorney which he did. I even got in the mail one day a note thanking him for visiting an apt complex!( duh! he used our family home address while looking!) This caused me tons of pain. But instead of begging him not to get his own place) which I wanted to believe me) I forced myself to ask him casually, "Ya find a place of your own yet?" He said, "Well its complicated." A few wks later he moved back home. He told me later he was kind of testing me to see if I would fall apart if we separated- OW had kept telling him I just wanted him for our new house, money etc then would kick him out a few months later. He was impressed at my new found emotional strength. lifeismessy

Thanks for your replies, NW and LIM. This is so hard to accept. I've tried to talk to him about moving not being the answer. I tried to explain withdrawal and the feelings he's experiencing. I did start crying but I didn't ever use the "you" word or raise my voice. At least he's agreed to read some of the posts I've printed but all he keeps saying is "A year ago, you wouldn't have cared. How come now you're reading, you're changing, loving me, etc.?" I told him I that I can't change last year or explain it but I can change the future." He said he's just not convinced of OUR future. <P>