I have been riding an emotional roller-coaster for about 2 years now. My H came home in Oct 1999 and said that he was unhappy, and had been for a long time. OW was getting a D, and he was her "friend". We got along better after that, or so I thought. He even quit his job in Oct. 2000 (where she worked) to open our own business in another town 120 miles away. The plan was for us (the girls and I ) to move there after things had been established. We were still intimate, but I felt his distance deeply. We looked for houses, and then in May 2001, he called out of the blue, and said that he did not want us there. He wanted to be separated. He had been having an EA with OW, and said that he had VERY deep feelings for her. Maybe their personalities were more alike than ours. (we have been together 18 years---married 9). Anyway, I have been plan Aing for weeks now, and things have definitely changed. He comes home more, we talk, have sex, go a few places (with the kids---never alone) together. My question is: How do you know that the roller coaster ride is over? I enjoy the changes we have made, but I am constantly "on egg shells". I walk around wondering if I call him, would it be a bad thing? Can I ask him about us moving to his town?? (WE have been talking about it---but decided to wait until kindergartner gets a schoolbreak...ie....Christmas). My husband has been living in a camper, and his brother wants the camper back...He is looking for a place to live now. It hurts my feelings that he does NOT look for a place for all of us to live! Am I pushing too much?? Is he still not ready for us to be there?? I am so confused. You hear of people who have affairs and constantly the WS is doing everything they can for forgiveness.....when can I be the one with the "ball in her court"? I know that I am talking too much, but if anyone has any advice, please help!!<P>Faith n Him

Bumping to the top.<P> I don't know what to say at the moment, but wanted to make sure others have the chance to read your story and respond. <P> I am Sorry for your pain, and want you to know that you are in the right place.<P> jd

Dear Faith in Him:<BR>Welcome to MB. So sorry you need to be here. It's so hard to know what to say to help you. We have all been where you are right now. Unfortunately, when our spouses get involved with someone else, their emotions are just as mixed up as ours. My H has committed to working on our marriage one day, changed his mind the next. Is your H still seeing OW? If the A is not over, there is NO WAY I think you should pick up and move to be closer to him. Don't uproot your kids if you feel he is still unsure. Have you read Surviving and Affair? This website is driven by this book and its principles are used here. Read more if you can about Plan A and Plan B. Go to the infidelity information on the home page. I believe you can find out more about Plans A and B under the "Just Found Out" section of the forums. Read as much here on this website as you can. I will pray for you and your family.

OOOPS! Sorry, I went back and reread your post where it says you've been in Plan A. I don't have a great memory right now, as I'm on the roller coaster as well!

MYOWNME, My H has said that he doesn't talk to OW anymore---I think it was an EA, and not a PA....but, who knows? I am just confused on the LB's. I know that they are different for everyone, but do I ask about her? He offered the info a couple of weekends ago (about not speaking to her anymore). She lives in my town and not his----thank GOD! Do I ask about his commitment to us, or just keep plan A-ing? I get ansy around the middle of the week, since I haven't seen H in a few days. When we are together, we are fine, but I feel scared when he is gone---kind of a panicky feeling. Know what I mean? I know that I can not trust his words 100%, because he lied before. When can you start holding H accountable for everything he has done to our family? Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven him---I gave this up to God awhile back, but I still get pretty unsure sometimes...any advice???? anyone????<P>Faith n Him

Dear Faith n Him:<P>Whatever the reason, if your WH is not expressing a desire to have you join him then you are better off just to bide your time and continue to Plan A him until he makes some indication of his feelings in this matter. If he is sincere in wanting to rebuild the marriage then eventually he will ask you to come join him....if not, then either OW is still in the picture...either in his head or actually.<P>Continue with the wonderful Plan A you apparently have been doing...progress may be slower then you'd like but progress is progress...and this all takes time to resolve itself. It really sounds like he is on the road back so don't push right now for firm commitment...now's the time to continue <BR>what has been working...not to press for change.<P>You've done a good job up until now...don't blow it at the finish line. In six months time if he hasn't made any progress then perhaps it will be time for you to move on to Plan B....but not now.<P>Faye<BR>

buffy (faye)---thanks for the advice!! I am trying really hard not to push. Thanks again for your time!<P>FnH

Hi, well my pennys' worth is don't push him. Usually a big LB. My H affair has been over for 2 years, but he told me one of the problems he had with me was that I was so controlling. Basically, before this it was my way or the highway, and I almost lost him to a so-called friend. Now, we decide things together.

Cherise---thanks. I really am trying to be patient---and just let things come as they are, and not push! You ALL are great!!!<P>Krystal

I think that a lot of us forget that during Plan A, not only are we trying to meet the EN's of the WS, but we are also supposed to be working on ourselves. Becoming stronger on our own. I'd forgotten this until just a few days ago. For the last 6-8 weeks, all I've been focusing on is what my H would think, feel, do, based on things I was saying. I sort of lost myself in all of that. The last couple of days I've really just been focusing on being a good, loving, caring person (for me). It's helping me deal with my H's indecision. Are you in counseling for yourself? If not, I would highly recommend it. Whatever becomes of the situation with you and your H, you will be strong enough on your own to handle it.