Looking for Commitment for her to not do this again. Perhaps unrealistic? I’m at least looking for some assurances? I’m looking for some safety.<P>Does the fact that we “had to” get married invalidate our marriage vows?. The fact that we had to get married seems to be an issue with my W, my P (through her input?) & my W’s boss; that this fact is a reason we have this problem today. We cannot change that fact. The point that she brings up is that I may not have chosen her otherwise –- does the fact that I tell her I love her almost on a daily basis have bearing on this? She has not said this, but perhaps it is obvious that with this tack, she may be saying she would not have chosen me! This I believe is supposed to add creditability to her line that she has loved me more as a brother, not a husband comes into play. OK, now it’s the year 2001, do we say that because we had to get married 30+ years ago, this invalidate our marriage vows – she evidently has put a different definition of our relationship than what I understood into place to suit her needs. For example, in some of Harley stuff it read that in a marriage each person is to “care for the other” – she said that she never had that understanding. <P>My W said she saw our marriage as more as a marriage of convenience. She shows no interested in discussion about marriage enrichment and when I talk about doing more together, she stresses important of doing things independently. She has said that she does not want to hurt me again, like she did & that if she gets involved again, she will let me know. In terms of a policy of openness & honesty, she has stated many times that this is difficult for her. For example when & how much she spends on clothing & collectibles for herself. It seems to me she wants a marriage of convenience. ?? Do these things sound like she is making a commitment to do her best to not have this re-occur? To me, it is like she may not want it to happen, but that she is not willing to make very many changes & that if it happens, it happens & she feels she will let me know! ??<P>Division of domestic chores – she works three days a week. When we were re-united in February she made it clear that she was disappointed I did not do more yard work and that she did not like taking care of the check book. She started fixing meals again, which she had not done for past 5 years & she started ironing my shirts again, which she had not done for 10 + years. I told her these were not big needs of mine. I help with vacuuming & laundry – I do the trash thing. Last week end I also washed the some of the outside windows as she pouted because she wanted to go to the pool by herself. I feel I do more than my fair share --?? I really don’t care, it just seems to add to the fact that she takes advantage of my good nature & I am wondering if this leads to her loose interpretation of our relationship – meaning things are fine as long as it is according to her perspectives??<P>Of late she has stopped the ironing & fixing meals – -she shows these signs of boredom & burn-out with domestic life -- I can understand this, I get tired of these things too. Traditionally, I have assumed the burden to do what I can so she does not feel bad. I feel I have added to what I perceive as a perception she has that it is my responsibility to do what ever is necessary to make her life easier & keep her happy. I have definitely been the “giver.”<P>Are there any ideas as to what would be some fair request I could make of her to show she understands the importance of our vows & that we are working on same goal to improve our marital relationship & to set some standards to help prevent the infidelity from re-occurring?<P>Would I do too demanding to ask her for a written statement outlining her understanding of our relationship, our goals & commitments to each other??<P>Peace to all,<BR>HH<BR>
