These are a couple of posts from another thread. I really need some advice on this one.<P>Help me! I'm LB'ing all over the place. I'm so damn mad that I just want to shake him until his brain comes out of this fog it's in. He said tonight that he thought we had a chance, but now he's not sure. I told him he hasn't even given us a chance. He asked what he was doing and I told him she's still calling. Well, I'm not calling her was his answer. Sorry, bud, you don't run from the phone when she calls. He's on the phone for at least an hour if no one interrupts. <BR>I didn't even get to mention the internet crap.<P>I really need someone to tell me how to get over this anger. I was doing so good and now I'm back to where I'm brimming and ready to blow at a moment's notice.<P>I'm seriously considering Plan B if he doesn't start to give something on his end. I just can't handle the rejection and the pain anymore. I don't know if he will leave or not so I may have to leave to actually do Plan B.<P>I don't know--I'm waffling as bad as he is right now. When I'm not around him, I feel fine and I feel like I can put up with the crap. The minute I get around him though, that all changes. I want my Husband back, not this alien brain that's getting the best of both worlds.<P>Another post:<BR>I got a pretty good laugh last night. The OW is from Louisiana and H and I were watching some nature show. Actually, he was watching it and I was reading a book trying to keep my distance so I wouldn't blurt out something stupid. The show was based on swamp critters and H looked up and said that show must be in Florida or "Lose your Anna". I looked up and laughed and repeated "Lose your Anna"? He said yeah, that's what happens when you there isn't it. I told him he hadn't lost me yet. (Oops, shouldn't have said yet.) He said I love how you say yet and I just matter of factly told him, "Well you haven't decided what you want yet so you haven't lost me yet." Might have been the wrong answer, but he seemed to take it well. Of course, that phrase, "Lose your Anna", is still stuck in my head this morning. I will never be able to say the name of that state without thinking that now (on top of hating the state because she's there).<P>Also, he said something about me not liking him and I told him that I did like him. I then told him that sometimes I wish that I didn't like him. He said that hurt and I told him that if I didn't like him it wouldn't hurt so bad and I wouldn't care what he did. That seemed to satisfy him.<P>I don't know--it seems like everytime he says something I just want to scream. I feel like telling him to crap or get off the dang pot. He handles his business dealings and other people like that so why shouldn't he have to put to the same standards. I know that won't work and I won't say it, but sometimes I feel like screaming it at the top of my lungs.<P>I think what I'm going to do is to wait and set a certain time limit (not letting him know) to see how things are. If things haven't changed then I'm moving to Plan B. I think I'm going to give it until New Years and either fix it or end the pain (Plan B). I love him, but I can't let him just tear me down to non-functional.<P>Understand what I'm saying?<P><BR>You can read the long story at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011301.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011301.html</A> -- just a warning though-it's pretty long.<P>

Yes I understand. I know how you feel. It is sad that the BS is suppose to take the frustration and just handle it. Yet, that is the way it is. Did you LB all over the place? No. A bit yes. Warranted? Probably. Did you shake his brain until he came out of the fog? No. Only he can do that. <P>Dumplin, I understand. Know the feeling all too well. Now go and do something calming. Need to vent, we'll be here. I am not the greatest company right now but there are others out there tonight. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

I had done the same thing as you. I was constantly LBing... but MAJOR ones. I was purposely trying to make his life a living hell, in retaliation to the hurt he put me through. We'd be fine for a few days or so, then I'd be so sick and tired of his waffling crap, and BOOM, the filter in my brain that controls my words and actions disappeared.<P>For me, the way to stop it was to move to plan B. I knew when I was ready, and it was the best peace of mind I had had in a LONG time.<P>Making a plan to start plan B is a good idea. Protect yourself in the meantime. Get things 'ready' (info on legal matters etc) now. Do what you need to do. And of course, keep venting on here as much as you can. That can help keep it from be directed towards your H.<P>Karen<P>

Thanks for the advice. I'm hoping it doesn't come to Plan B, but I'm afraid it's going to. I'm going to try and hold until until New Years though. He's got band practice tonight so if practice goes okay then he'll be in a good mood - if not, he'll be in a crappy mood. Any more advice is appreciated.<P>Anna

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Hi Dumplin,<P>Do a quick search on Buffy. Some of her recent posts to us has been real helpful. She is plan Aing and doing quite well. Her H is still out there but notice how she is in control of herself and not taken to the heights we are. She has learned to step off that rollercoaster. I did once, thought I was off and then boom, took a wrong step and back on again. NOw I am struggling to step off again. I don't like that ride. I want my money back!!!! LOL<P>Hope it helps!<BR>L.<BR>

Orchid,<P>I spent all day at work listening to Meatloaf. I want my money back too. LOL!!<P>I will do a search and read Buffy's posts. Thanks so much.<P>I just read a really good post that cleared some things up for me. Plan A doesn't mean I can't set boundaries for my husband. I can tell him I don't like what he is doing and I want him to stop (while continuing to Plan A). If he doesn't then I move to Plan B. You may want to read it. It's titled Is this wrong for Plan A? I found it very interesting. I've been thinking I have to woo my H back with Plan A (which I do), but I don't have to sit by and let him do as he pleases and get away with it.<P>Thanks for all your help everyone. I think I'm going to read some more posts and then sit down and write H a letter explaining my boundaries. I will preface it with saying there is no need for a discussion since he's "tired of talking about us".<P>Anna (Not from "Lose your Anna" Louisana!! LOL!!)

dumplin,<P>I dont usually respond to the half in/half out WS situations i always want to hold a really hard line and tell the WS its the marriage or the OP pick and move on it.<P>seems to me that a plan A prerequisite is the extrodinary measures as descirbed in SAA. <P>I understand the precarious position though, push them away or suck them in? I guess the issue is where you draw that boundry line. how much of yourself can you expose while your WS is not committed? <P>if you could predict, what would happen if you told your H Pick me or her?<P>if he picked her, whats that do to your love of him? could you plan B until he woke up and wanted to come back? or would that be it for you?<P>if he picked you, could you manage to plan a in the face of the fog related resentment he would have and win over in spite?<P>like i said the choices seem really personal, me personally, id rather play the odds, tell him me or her if he picked her id plan b rigid. and wait for their story to end as most of them do. to advise on those decisions is like putting your toung on a 9volt battery, bound to get shocked!<P>one strategy might be to plan a so the taste of you is sweet before you lay down the choices, does that mean be a doormat? absoultly not but you still have to have found a way to meet their needs enough to generate at least a positive opinion or feeling. bounderies in there might mean that you seek to meet the needs you can without emotionally harming yourself, like if you knew they were sleeping together maybe you wouldnt have sex, or unprotected sex. but you did your best to meet his need for admiration and affection to compensate the best you could. <P>you asked how long? well heres the next time only you can say, how long can you plan A, the better job you do on plan A the better the taste in his mouth when it comes time to make a decision. when you can no longer effectively plan A and you are going to begin to make withdrawls instead its time.<P>what are the choices?<P>1. he goes with her and lives happily ever after<BR>2. he goes with her and she turns in to a human being after all.<BR>3. he dumps her for you<BR>4. he has you and keeps her on the side.<BR>5. she dumps him.<P>what are the odd on each choice how can you tip the scales so that the odds are in favor of the one you want, and cant you see a way where he pick one and then another one happens? its very complicated. i am sorry your having to deal with this.<P>plan a is all about managing the odds. if he picks anything but option 3 you want him to have the best taste in his mouth you can possibly leave. and when things arnt what he thought they would be, BINGO he's yours.<P>

Chaz,<P>She's already broke it off with him. I don't think they've gotten back together. The biggest problems I'm having is she is still calling to "see how everyone is doing", when she does call they are on the phone for at least an hour in another room, he's on the internet while I'm not here or asleep in chat rooms (not conversations for a married person) or the personal ads on Yahoo. I think I'm to the point where it is so hard for me not to LB that it takes every ounce of energy I have. I can help him with things, but I have a bitter (not better) taste in my mouth the whole time. I really appreciate your advice. I think what I'm going to do is tell him I don't like these things and I want them to stop. I'm going to leave it up to him. If he doesn't decide to stop, I will leave. I'm going to give him some time to think it over though. I think a week is plenty of time. What do you think?<P>Anna

Sorry more to talk about. Last night, H told me I was going to get what I wanted (not talking to her and no internet crap), but then it would all be on me. How do you respond to that? He makes me feel like if he does what I need for our relationship to have any chance of surviving that he's going to make sure I'm being perfect. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I'm not talking about anything major, but he makes it sound like he will be monitoring my every move. Any advice on this?

Dear Dumplin,<P>As long as they are having any form of communication, the A is still on going. It may be an EA but in reality that is the harder of the 2 to break. EAs are worse for men to break off than PAs. Men know they can get it anywhere. It is the EA that ties them to the OW in such a strong and defiant manner. <P>Don't underestimate her calls. Psyco Babble just wanted to be friends, then wanted H 3 out of 7 days, then what do you think? See. They are willing to neogiate. Hm...... Ws's like that, they the choices the OWs give them. Oh sweetie, I can be available as much as you want..... I'm much more accomodating than your W!!!! Think that doesn't happen? Think again. <P>No contact means just that no contact. I know this but I can not make my H have no contact with the OW. He must cut it off. Now I can choose to have no contact with H. That is plan B. I can cut that off. See the difference?<P>Ok, now I have to go and eat crow. Because I admitted, that I know this stuff...... <P>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><B>Chaz,<P>She's already broke it off with him. I don't think they've gotten back together. The biggest problems I'm having is she is still calling to "see how everyone is doing", when she does call they are on the phone for at least an hour in another room, he's on the internet while I'm not here or asleep in chat rooms (not conversations for a married person) or the personal ads on Yahoo. I think I'm to the point where it is so hard for me not to LB that it takes every ounce of energy I have. I can help him with things, but I have a bitter (not better) taste in my mouth the whole time. I really appreciate your advice. I think what I'm going to do is tell him I don't like these things and I want them to stop. I'm going to leave it up to him. If he doesn't decide to stop, I will leave. I'm going to give him some time to think it over though. I think a week is plenty of time. What do you think?<P>Anna</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>the only thing i didnt think you said clearly is "I'm going to leave it up to him." i just want to emphisis that he like i cannot read your mind. SPELL it out. write it down there is to be no misunderstanding.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><B>Sorry more to talk about. Last night, H told me I was going to get what I wanted (not talking to her and no internet crap), but then it would all be on me. How do you respond to that? </B><P>well you have to ask the follow up question. what will be on you? ask him to be more specific, what does he want? you will be responsible for what exactly get him to spell it out.. tell him you want to do a good job <P><BR><B>He makes me feel like if he does what I need for our relationship to have any chance of surviving that he's going to make sure I'm being perfect. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I'm not talking about anything major, but he makes it sound like he will be monitoring my every move. Any advice on this?</B><P>what do you have to be perfect at? cleaning the toilet? to general, not enough information to perform well. its like being a home builder and having some one say "hey build me a house" ok, where? "i dont care where ever" how big " you know real big" theres nothing to base decisions on. calm conversations about what he wants from a marriage.. you need to have one!<P><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi Dumplin,<P>Haven't seen anything from you for a while. I was wondering how you were getting on. I thought I was making progress too last weekend. My H actually suggested just the tow of us going out together (this is the first time he's even considered going anywhere with just me where we'll have to talk since d day in April) and he also initiated sex afterwards, again, the first time he's wanted any physical contact since D Day) However, he's still in a totally foggy state, and its so easy to stop doing plan A and just assume everything is OK isn't it once you start to get signals that they do still want to be with you. I, like you started to see results as soon as I started plan A, the temptation is to think that you can stop once you start to see a change. I think, however, that I'm going to give my H until the end of the year on plan A and then go to plan B then if he's still in contact with her. Your suggestion to do this yourself sounds like a good one. Keep plan Aing even though its now harder than ever!<P>Best Wishes <BR>Wounded One

Well, I really blew it tonight. First, I washed the wrong jeans for H to go to work. Simple mistake in communication. I asked him if he was wearing the pants he wanted me to wash and he said yes. I meant on his body right then and he thought I meant the pants he wanted to wear tonight. Well, I told him about three times that I was about to put some clothes in the wash thinking he would change his pants so I could wash them. He never did so I washed his other jeans. Well, that was a BIG mistake. His words, "His blood was boiling." I also let him sleep later than he wanted me to. He had said to wake him up at 6:30 and I let him sleep until 7. First, when we mentioned 6:30, he hadn't ate yet. He ate before he went to sleep. Second, when I tried to wake him up, he wouldn't get up and told me to let him sleep until 7. He denies any knowledge of this--I believe him. Another BIG mistake. Then, I (not thinking and upset already) started the washing machine when he was about to get in the shower. We have a well and he can't take a shower while the washer is running. I offered to turn the washer off and he said not to worry about it. Another BIG mistake. Everything was my fault. Our whole marriage is ruined because I don't listen to him. I got upset since he was crawling my butt and asked him if he was so unhappy and didn't want to be here why he didn't just go ahead and leave. Then I proceeded to tell him what he does to upset me - internet chat rooms and still talking with OW. He left completely pissed at me. I've sat down and wrote him a letter, but I don't know if it will help.<P>Add on top of all this that my sister moved in with us today since her and boyfriend split up. H totally agreed with this though and doesn't seem to have a problem with her being here.<P>I need some help getting his foot out of my butt and my foot out of my mouth. HELP!!!!!

Wow Dumplin,<P>Your story sounds like my H, even down to the washer vs the shower stuff. You know, H even used to have conversations in his head with me and then blame me for what he thought I said, except I was not there!!!!! Go figure. <P>Bottom line, you will never be right when they are in one of those moods. So don't try to be. They will hvae a tantruam, let them. I used to tell H, ok when you are done yelling at me, let me know, I will come back. Big LB at the time, yep, but better than crying and yelling back. <P>I did try not to run the washer while he was in the shower, but if he went in after the washer was going, then that is his fault. Ooops, well he can check just like everyone else. I used to jump up and make sure all was ok, but I just don't jump as fast or as much any more and we seem to get along better. Hm...... go figure!<P>L. <BR>

Thanks Orchid! I don't know how H is going to be when he gets home. Hopefully, I haven't just blown the whole thing. He did tell me during this conversation that he had changed his mind. He was going to put up a front and pretend everything is okay until ?. He never finished the sentence. I'm just waiting for him to get home to see what his mood is going to be like. Does anyone have any advice on when he does get home from work?

I think you need to read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.<P>It should be his own responsiblity to wake himself up and make sure the "right" jeans are washed. <P>Why are you doing for him what he could do for himself?<P>If he asked you to cook him eggs, and you scrambled them, he'd be mad and say he wanted fried eggs. And vice versa. You could scramble one, fry the other, and STILL be wrong. <P>It's not your job to make him happy like that.<P>What you are doing doesn't sound healthy right now. IF you had a marriage that he was committed to pulling his own weight ... that would be one thing. <P>I do all kinds of "acts of service" for my H because thats how he knows I love him. But if he doesn't wake up on time in the morning, or I wash the wrong clothes, he doesn't abuse me for it. We talk about how to fix the communication problem that happened in the first place. And you know what? Ultimately, he takes responsiblity. If he doesn't get out of bed on time, he recognizes that HE choose not to do what it took to get himself out of bed on time. Thats what adults do. <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

That's the way our marriage has always been. I guess you could say we have an old-fashioned marriage. I cook and clean and he does the trash and outdoors work (mowing and stuff). He used to not get so upset at stuff like that. The part about him waking himself up is impossible. He can sleep through anything. I have an alarm clock that has two alarms on it and I have set both of them and he sleeps right through it. He's hard enough to get to wake up when a person is trying to wake him up. I find it funny that he thinks he could live on his own. I know that sounds odd, and I'm sure he would survive. The only question I have is on what-fast food or junk food??? If I changed all that right now, he would feel abandoned. He does thank me for the things that I do for him.<P>That's just always the way it's been since we've been together.

I've decided that for right now, I can't do anything right in his eyes. H is to the point where he gets very pissed over the smallest things. I'm getting very tired of being wrong all the time. Last night or rather very early this morning, I put it all in the Lord's hands. I don't know what I can do anymore. Just venting - sorry so pessimistic (sp?).