I have been reading these posts for a few days, and have decided to get enough courage to write my own. About 4 weeks ago, I came home from work as usual. My wife was in the kitchen, so I walked up behind her and gave her a kiss on the back of the neck. She leaned into me turned her head and smiled. I went upstairs to put my things away. While I was there, I decided to see if I had any e-mail. I saw a paper lying beside the computer, so I glanced at it. I looked again, and realized that I was looking at a love letter she had been composing. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that it was not for me. I walked downstairs numb. My wife asked me what was wrong. I said that there was a letter lying next to the computer. She turned pale. My life changed in that moment. Much has been said since then, and many revelations have come to light. She is still in what I have seen described here as "the fog". The OM involved here is my next door neighbor, who is living there with his grandparents in an arrangement of room and board in exchange for his help in alowing them to maintain their home. He is single, never married, and 10 years my wifes junior. This man is unemployed and home most of the day. My wife has also been home through most of the summer. We have been married for 18 years, and have no children still in the home. I have 2 sons from a previous marriage, who are both now on their own.<P>This has been a long description (even so, without much detail) to get to the point of a specific question. My wife has told me that the OM has become cool towards her, saying that he has no desire to break-up a marriage. My wife is in great emotional turmoil. She says that to be able to think through the situation, she needs to remove herself from the close proximity of the OM. She wants to move to a friends house to spend nights, but come home for a period of time during the day to have meals, do laundry, etc., while I am at work. This is an extrordinary situation, and I am at a loss. We are currently in marital counciling, even though "the fog" still exists. The councilor has asked us to come to the next session with a written expression of what a "temporary" separation would look like to us. Can anyone help me sort through any of this, or add perspective? My previous marriage of many years ago also was torn apart in the same way, and I am not sure I can relive it all over again.<P>Thank you,<BR>BrokenH

Hi Broken H,<P>I would like to welcome you to marriage builders. We have a welcome package but I do not have access to it at this time. It has information on how best to use the tools available here. These tools consist of books, questionnaires, basic concept writeups and phone counseling services available by those who run this site. <P>You have joined our group of individuals all of us everyday people learning to cope with this traumatic event that has touched all our lives. We share our joys and fears, laugh and cry in an effort to help ourselves and others. <P>I hope someone will be able to share this package with you. You will learn about plan A and plan B. It may sound like Greek right now, but for myself, what I have learned here has been invaluable. I personally don't have the luxury of going to a counselor every week. This place has help tie me over so that I am able to cope. <P>Those of us here are from all different locations and backgrounds. Some are the BS (betrayed spouse) and some are the WS (wayward spouse). We all post here and share our info. <P>Help for you is on the way. Just be patient. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Welcome<P>Sorry you're here.<P>The moving out thing has been tossed around a lot here and while it varies from relationship to relationship a lot of times it is used by the WS to enable contact with the OP. Without having to account for their time. I'm not saying this would be the case for your W, but it happens more often than not.<P>Your situation is tough because the OM lives next door and from the sounds of it is not accountable to anyone. Itis good if he is sncere about not wnating to break up a relationship, however, people say a lot of things in these situations and actions are more sincere than words. <P>Read some of the material here and post your questions. <P>Does your W want to end her A? If so, you need to develop a way for no contact w/OM. That may mean someone is going to have to move.<P>I don't envy your position, but you have come to a place where you are lokely to get a lot of ideas about how to handle it. Ultimately it will be up to you to decide which way to go. But having this site for a reference and for people who know how you feel will be helpful. <P>It's not unusual for your W to be in turmoil. Hang on because it's likely to be a bumpy ride for a while. The fact that you are both seeing a counselor is positive. stick with it.<P>I wish I had more to offer.<P>Good luck<P>E

Wecome BrokenH,<BR>I too am new here...only been posting this week. I must tell you this is a God sent in many ways...the discussion forums we are in now as well as all the information out on the Marriage Builders Site is invaluable...May God provide you with the strength, wisdom, and courage necessary to start this process...Look at the site for instruction on how to handle a separation and is a separation the only choice you have right now?...read the material here...it is very helpful...look at Surviving an Affair section...just read as much as you can...I know that there is allot of information out there that can help you...Again God's blessings to you....we all will pray for you!!!! Keep posting, posting, posting....<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Dear BrokenH,<BR>It breaks my heart to see so many new folks having to come here, but you HAVE come to the right place for help. Start at the home page and work your way through all of it. There's much written here about infidelity and how to get through it. You and I (and I'm sure others here) share a sad bond. My first husband had an affair. Six weeks after kicking me and my 4-month-old son out of the house, my husband committed suicide. I never fully recovered and now after 16 years married to my current husband, find myself broken hearted once again. Please get the book Surviving An Affair. It explains so much about what you and your wife are going through and will be going through in the weeks and months to come. Get yourself some good counseling and your wife too, if she is willing. Keep reading and posting your fears, your ups, your downs and your questions here. We all feel the pain you are in. Some of us have been through it and are on the road to recovering our marriages, so you will get to see the GOOD that comes from an A, not just the bad. Pray for strength. God is there for the taking. My prayers go out to you.

BrokenH,<P>I have bookmarked the general welcome for this site. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome </A><P>It is actually found in the Just Found Out section of this site under either Onegoing's posts or NSR's general welcome.<P>As for your situation, I am not sure about the seperation. It would seem that your W would be seperated from you but not the OM. Since she will be there days, when he is available and not nights when he wouldn't be available due to your presence.<P>Is she remorseful? Does she want the marriage to work? What does she say about this whole thing? Also how long has this been going on?<P>BrokenH, there is every reason to believe the marriage can be saved. It has been recommended that you read Surviving an Affair by Harley. There is another book called His Needs Her Needs also by Harley, that discusses his philosophy that marriage fail because needs of the spouses are not being met. It could be very enlighting for you and your W to fill this out and see where you can help make the marriage better.<P>Probably, one of the unique things about this site and the overall philosophy is that rather than the betrayed spouse (BS) demand that the wayward spouse (WS) fix the marriage, Harley suggests that one who wants the marriage most start the rebuilding, and that is usually the BS. Doesn't seem fair, equal, or anything, but trust this. If you do your best to address your shortcomings in the marriage, and treat your W well (all of this is called Plan A,please read about it.) you will come out of this thing with the knowledge you did the best you could do.<P>Your W will pay the piper later, when the guilt and remorse do finally hit.<P>In any event, read, ask questions, comment, but more than anything hang in there, Time and Patience, will work wonders. You are going to learn to hate those two words,T&P. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Bump so people can see the first post.