Hey everyone,<P>Here is something that comes up in my many conversations with my wife and something I churn in my head over and over. I thought it would provoke some discussion.<P>Often I am asked "well, what would you do if I (the BS) were to pick up and leave YOU?!?!".<P>I am not sure. I'd probably be ok, and not terribly emotional. Is this a weird response? Am I in a fog? I have always felt I am not a typically moral or responsible person, if someone does not want to be with me, well, then so be it. Too bad for me, but I'm not going to push the issue for months on end. I am quite functional by myself, I am my own best friend. I, during a short separation, had absolutely no trouble ever falling asleep guilt-free, or enjoying myself on my own, doing whatever I wanted.<P>Are other WS's out there the same? I'm just wondering. If asked that question, do you feel an immediate sense of "oh NO!!! i'm losing my husband/wife!!! I can't let this happen!" or do you think "Ahhh, finally, freedom!!!". <P>Unfortunately for me, I feel my scale tipping toward freedom- something I never really had as a younger unmarried person. What's wrong with freedom?<P>No flames please, I'm just spurring converstation.<P>Thank you,<P>-Venizio

My H didn't want our marriage. He left for the OW, but did nothing legally to extricate himself.<P>So, I filed. I left him.<P>Reality set in, and he asked to come home and we are now in recovery.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I am BS...my first reaction to WH leaving me was total shock and fear...I thought so many things...yes, including "What will people think?...What about our vows?...etc."<P>There was a real self-esteem issue for me, in that my H is the only man I have been with...I never even really dated in high school or college...so here I am a 38 yr-old woman--w/ a flabby, three caesarean body--possibly facing dating for the first time in 16 years...I was in a panic..."Who would want me?" was a very real fear...<P>Then I started making some changes and getting stronger...I lost 40 1bs...started working out...changed my wardrobe...I read a BUNCH of books...talked to a therapist...and hmmmm...started thinking...as men started to react to 'me' and, because of what was happening in my marriage, I started to notice...I started to get curious..."What would it be like?"<P>At the beginning of all this my husband expressed relief...he would be so relieved if I found someone else...even 'told' me what other men would like about me...then subtle changes occurred...<P>He made comments to me...asked me if I had 'been' with someone else...got mad when I told him I had been invited w/ some male coworkers to visit some mutual friends who have moved out of the area (VERY platonic)...<P>Suddenly, the thought of me leaving him isn't so remote...and, IMHO, because I have done a decent (NOT perfect) plan A...made some very NOTICEABLE changes in myself and my attitude...my leaving him is not so desireable anymore...<P>In fact...just this weekend he is kissing me...holding my hand... and giving me affection that I haven't seen in months...<P>In short...I believe that to the WS the BS leaving them AT THE BEGINNING OF DISCOVERY would be desirable...but after a decent plan A...after some soul searching...MANY change their minds......<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I am a BS and I DID leave my H about three weeks after D-day. He was elated with his so-called "Freedom". <P>I moved on and "got on with my life" so to speak. My attitude was, he may can cancel my marriage, but he can't cancel my LIFE. I have always been very self-sufficient, as well, and I truly felt relief although I did not sleep very well.<P>After a couple of weeks, he started to miss me desperately. He wanted me to come home. I guess we always want what we can't have, huh? <P>At any rate, don't be so sure that is how you will feel if your BS left you. It tends to change EVERYTHING.<P>Just my two cents...<BR>B<BR>

Hi Venizio, just curious, do you have any children?<BR>

My H left for his OW. Then we did the whole back & forth thing. Then I had enough. When I told him "no more contact until you make up your mind" he panicked. I wouldn't take his calls for 3 days and he was freaking out. No more waffling after that. He was home for good. The first six months he was afraid I would leave him. One night he woke me up at 3 am, clinging to me. He said he had a nightmare that he came home from work and I was gone. He kept saying " Please promise me that will never happen."