Okay..<P>In the inviting thread I made on August 30th<P>Topic: If your L U R K I N G . . . Its OKAY... Please read!<BR>( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012174.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012174.html</A> )<P>I posted I asked the lurkers to come out and say hello. I knew that there were going to be many people say hi.. and there are probably a couple of dozen more still lurking. But for now.. I'm cutting and pasting the New Members situation here.. for help from the MBer's.<P>Although I am strong and determined to help each and everyone of these new people.. I can't do it all on my own.<P>Some of us have the capability to 'coach' these new people for a few days to get them into the MB spirit. I am calling on all of you MBers for help.<P>I titled this: New Memeber: I-am [Original Post] Coaching Request.<P>Title denotes that this is a new member.<BR>Their name<BR>their original post quoted<BR>and <BR>a coaching request from the OT (Ole Time) Members.<P>So this is where you OT members come in. I suggesting a new process here.. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Hi Husband2you and gang,<BR>I am back now, just enjoying the last long weekend of the summer! That and trying to push my kids out the door to school..lol. <P>Well my divorce will be over soon..hopefully, its been a very long road, and a painful one at first. I guess by going on everything I've read on the site, I'm the WS, though often I don't feel that way. And I guess in retrospect I can see that there wasn't much chance of our marriage working. <P>I'll try to give you the readers digest version..lol<BR>We met when I was 15 and he was 17. A year and a half later<BR>I discovered I was pregnant with out first child. He insisted that we have that child, though I was terrified I went along with it, believing the promises that he would be there whenever I needed him. After almost three years we decided since we had made it that far it was time to get married, the next logical step and all. I did care for him very much, but at that time I'd become very frustrated with him, he dropped out of college, couldn't/wouldn't find a job, living with me at my parents house never lifting a finger once to help or contribute. I knew it was time that we become more responsible and do what needed to be done. <P>So we married. 7 months after we married I found I was pregnant with our next child. But by this time we were fighting everyday. <BR>After trying to make things work for the next 2+ years, and feeling so horrible and hating myself I went to my doctor to go on antidepressants. They were incredibly helpful and pulled me out of the black hole I existed in for almost a decade at that point. ( I was depressed b4 I met my stbx)<P>As wonderful as it was to have hope for my future and see that all was not lost for myself, I began to truly see what my marriage looked like. It was bad, I wasn't the mom I should have been, and though he was there, it was like he was off on some other planet. We talked,we yelled, screamed, I begged him to help me with the kids, the house, to pay attention for finances..to pay attention to me. Sex was practically non-existent. For him the only time there was a problem was when I started yelling about it, otherwise he was content, and why shouldn't he be I did pretty much everything, I felt like a puppeteer, not that I wanted to be one. I would set the alarm to wake him up otherwise he wouldn't get up and be late for work or just not bother going if it was too late. He ask me where his socks where, or what should he take for lunch. I paid all the bills, any cleaning to get done was me. He didn't even take care of himself..days sometimes weeks without a shower. there wassymptons of depression in him and finally convinced him to see a doctor. But he wouldn't take meds so there wasn't too much I could do. <P>And then the beginning of the end happened, the internet. We got access to the internet and thats when I found a whole new world. I think at one point I was addicted to chatting if that is even possible. I met online normal people..(well most of them anyway..lol), who did the things they were supposed to do, who appreciated me, my sense of humor, my personality. I felt like I belonged. What little feeling for my H evaporated and was replaced by anger, and lots of it.<P>I could see that he wasn't going to change, I couldn't make him change that it was something he had to do himself, and probably wasn't going to since he felt there wasn't really a problem except for me. I knew deep down that he didn't really love me, he was with me out of habit.<P>I met a friend who counselled me, was a very spirtual person, we emailed back and forth and he helped me see things a little more clearly. We met in person and surprise surprise, his intentions weren't as pure as I thoughtthem to be, needless to say that was the end of that friendship. <P>My H wanted me to stop chatting, I tried and did for a while, but I felt so alone again. I wouldn't have minded stopping if it was going to be replaced by something between us, but it was the same distance. I tried, he did try now and again. <P>After all of this, I began chatting, and I met a really wonderful person. He lived 400 kms away so there was no worry about ever meeting or that kind of thing. We were great friends, talked every day, he worked nights, we when I was getting up to get the kids ready, he was just getting home, we talked about everything. We had so much in common, and he knew just where I was coming from with my marriage because his was not doing that great either. Though our circumstances were different. <P>There came a point where I knew I had feelings for this friend, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I used to imagine what life would be if we were together. I was very torn for a while. But when I managed to be totally honest with myself I knew the decision I had to make, and I picked me. Not my H, not even my friend, but me. Maybe thats selfish, I don't know. All I know is I'd sacrificed a third of my life for someone who didn't give a damn. I told him I was leaving, it was over, no hope of recovery and if he took a moment to be honest he'd see that its the right thing to do. <P>He agreed with me. I decided I was going to do something I'd never done before because I was always to scared to try anything new. I decided to meet my friend that meant so much to me, if he wanted me to that is. I talked to him he said it was good idea. My husband said he was proud of me for taking such a big step for myself, he was crying with tears of joy because more than anything he wanted me to be happy. He even bought the tickets and paid for my hotel room to see my friend. Drove me to the station, said I'll see you in a couple of days. <P>The day I came back, he had taken the kids and moved away without telling me, even though I called everyday and gotten a hold of him while I was gone. He then claimed I was having an affair, neglected and abused my kids, basically raked me over the coals and back again. Here I thought he was the most nicest understanding man, that would make someone a really good husband one day. <P>I was set up, it was my own naiviety or stupidity whichever you want to call it. I was devastated. A huge custoday battle ensued. I managed to get my kids back. He played dumb through the whole thing, he had no idea the marriage was over, etc. <P>Once things had settled for awhile, I found out a lot of stuff that I didn't know and would have definitly ended the marriage for me. All those late work nights and being stuck in traffic and 'lost' money were actually him at strip joints which I'm dead set against. He played horrid mind games with traumas from my past, really messed with my head so much.<P>And now here I am. I do feel guilty sometimes. I have a lot of people telling me not to, considering everything that was done to me. I don't want to go to much into that, lets just say there was verbal and mental abuse. I'm not here to bash him, I just want to learn how to get over the guilt and learn everything that I can.<P>Oh and I should also mention, my friend that I met online, we are now together. He sufferend alot of abuse in his marriage, verbal, mental and physical. He finally found the strength to leave and start a new life. Its been a long road for the both of us. He has been the best friend I've ever known, I love him with all my heart. Thats why I want to learn how to build and maintain and strong marriage. And also to finally rid myself of the ghosts of the old one. I still deal with H daily. He doesn't make anything very easy, doesn't see his kids much and it hurts them but they're coping. <P>Any feedback would be helpful. Sorry this was so long. <P>I-am.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>So who is going start off Coaching this New Member?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·