Although H hasn't moved out yet, he did find an apartment for October 1st. That in itself was devastating but seeing the cheque go through was like a knife in my heart, my dreams, my future...I just came home and blew up. MY DREAMS and FUTURE, ALL GONE!!! I didn't tell my H that's why I came home from my errands the way I did. <P>Luckily I had pre-arranged plans with girlfriends last night but he assumed that I wouldn't go...WRONG! Do any of you have any adice as to how I can still continue to PLAN A despite my resentment at him just GIVING UP on everything? How does one do this without collapsing???? When it comes down to the physical move, can that stop him? I really need so much help today.

Dear Terrified,<P>You cannot stop him. You cannot control him. You can only control yourself.<P>What do you want? Do you want to be strong or weak? Do you want to be helpless, needy and terrified, or do you want to be self-reliant, loving and worthy of love?<P>When my H moved out, I felt as though he had given up. At first I was just incredibly angry. I was then overwhelmed with fear and felt utterly rejected. I then began to see things in a different way. I decided what I wanted in my life. I wanted my H and our marriage. However, I accepted that if he chose to end our marriage, I could move on. <P>He has now admitted that had the OW been willing, he would have chosen her, come to the realization that it wouldn't work and begged me to take him back. Wow does that hurt. I have, however, chosen to see the big picture. Yes, he rejected me. Yes, he abused me. Yes, he chose the little witch, not me. Guess what? When I became strong and made the decision to move on with my life if he didn't want me, he suddenly realized he did want me.<P>My advice - change your user name. Stop reacting to him and live your own life. Be the best person you can be for yourself, not him. When you face and let go of your fear, you will be able to see things in a different way. As long as you hold on to that fear, as long as you continue to believe that you can control him, you will be helpless and terrified.<P>I realize how incredibly difficult this is. However, you must, for yourself, let go.<P>Love,<P>Julie

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>Although H hasn't moved out yet, he did find an apartment for October 1st. That in itself was devastating but seeing the cheque go through was like a knife in my heart, my dreams, my future...I just came home and blew up. MY DREAMS and FUTURE, ALL GONE!!! I didn't tell my H that's why I came home from my errands the way I did.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, I don't know your entire story, but you will be on a 'roller-coaster' for awhile, and you should mentally prepare yourself for days like these. This does not necessarily mean that your marriage is over. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>Luckily I had pre-arranged plans with girlfriends last night but he assumed that I wouldn't go...WRONG! Do any of you have any adice as to how I can still continue to PLAN A despite my resentment at him just GIVING UP on everything? How does one do this without collapsing???? When it comes down to the physical move, can that stop him? I really need so much help today.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To continue Plan A successfully, you must make sure you make every attempt to avoid LB'ing. It sounds as though you may be close, so refuse the temptation to LB, as this will push him away further. Keep in mind that until papers are filed, and even after that, there is still hope. You cannot expect things to change overnight. Be patient and continue to post here to vent, or ask for advice, or just to read other peoples' posts. As it is the weekend, make sure you get out with a friend to the mall or a movie or something so you don't dwell on this all day today. You will feel better and you will get through this day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Indecision (edited September 09, 2001).]

Thanks for your replies. Although my feet feel like they're buckling beneath me, I'm going to have to get through this and remove the vision of a rent cheque going through our bank account from my mind. Right now, that rent cheque is destroying my ability to focus on Plan A. He asked me about buying some furniture but I just can't help him. Does Plan A mean I have to?<P>

(((Terrified))),<BR>See my name. I chose that name because I don't think that I was ever MYOWNME for the first 16 years of my marriage. I was Scott's me (my H), Andrew's me (my son) and Julie and Sarah's me (my daughters). Plus a whole host of other "me's" that left me feeling so miserable and unhappy. I think newwoman is right, the first thing to do is CHANGE YOUR USER NAME to a more confident one. That's the first step into becoming a more confident, better YOU! Let him move out. This DOES NOT mean he's done with the marriage. His moving out will give you the time you need to concentrate on YOU and NOT on what he's going to do. My H moved out first (without telling me about his A). He made it totally seem as if he was moving out to begin our relationship over (start as friends, date, etc.). I was BLOWN away when I caught him and OW. But, my H began to see the light after 3 1/2 months of living out on his own. He's now been home for a little over 2 months, and we are slowly beginning recovery. The recovery has begun only after I've started concentrating on me and NOT trying to FIX him. We are here for you. You are NOT going to be alone to deal with this. Make you the very BEST you that you can be. If your H comes back to you, AWESOME! If he doesn't, you will be able to handle it. Take care and my prayers are with you.<P>MOM

My H moved out to be with my former best friend. We were separated for 9 months. We both went to counseling and although I was scared to death at first, I made it on my own. I made new friends, learned how to ask for help, had a cleaner house! and basically got to like myself.<P>He is back now, we've worked hard to save our marriage. I thought when he moved out and went to a lawyer, that it was over. I thought he'd be with her forever. She broke it off, after they had sex IN MY BED which makes me sick.<P>Yes, it's been hard but very worth it. He says now that he didn't ever love her, and can't believe what he did. It took a long time to hear that, but it does feel good.<P>Good luck! Go to counseling if you haven't. Read Torn Asunder, it's great. Prayers

Hi T,<P>Remember you can control you. Your H can not control you in a choice matter. Question, what is this furniture shopping for? His new place? If yes, do you want to participate? If no, then let him know in a calm and gentle way. If it is because it is hurting you then let him know. He can go do it on his own &/or with OW. If you don't go with him and he chooses to do it without you, don't get mad, that is his choice. <P>Does this help? Me? I would not go, then I loose my ability to keep OW from going with him but oh well, that would have happened eventually anyway...... maybe they might not like each other's taste in furniture? Hm...... it can go any which way, very unpredictable this A fog stuff. <P>L. <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 10, 2001).]