After much pain and lies and continued betrayal, I have decided that I must move to Plan B again. My H is moving out of our home again on Saturday. For more information, please see my previous post - About going to 2nd Plan B. We talked last night and I explained to him that he's left me no other choice in order to save what little (if any, to be honest) love I have left for him. Please reassure me that this is the right thing to do. I'm so sad, yet continuing to live a lie is just not the right thing to do either.<P>MOM

(((((((((((((((((((((MOM))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>I have been following your story, so sad it has come to this again.<P>Please know that you are strong, and you know you are doing the right thing. You need to preserve that miniscule piece of love that is left.<P>BTW, I know it isn't MB formula, but I know of two people who had enough of betrayal that they told their WS's to go to H***. It was what woke them up...fear of losing the BS. Worth a thought at times like these, when there seems to be nothing to lose anyway.<P>love and light to you in your time of need,<P>Jacky

MOM, this is the right thing to do. You have said it, your MC has said it, and many of your friends here at MB have said it. You are doing the only thing you can do at this point.<P>Now is the time for you to set your boundaries. Decide now what you can and cannot live with for recovery.<P>At first, I set my boundary as no OW in my life or H's life. That seemed good, but it did not take into account a marriage recovery plan, or extraordinary precautions. I was so focused on OW that I let the rest slide. So far, it hasn't nipped me in the butt, but it has been alot slower without it.<P>I would highly suggest that you do not let your H back home w/o the following:<BR>-Your MC's approval (which means you will need to continue going seperately, start going jointly, then get her opinion on when is a good time - it will take a while, won't be tomorrow sort of thing).<BR>-Commitment to get OW out of your lives in every way/shape/form and proof that it has happened - his way if need be.<BR>-Plan for recovery.<P>w/o that you may be back in the same place in a few months again. <P>You may want to have an interim plan as well. Okay, I will end plan B if he agrees to this and this, but he's not moving back in, etc. until he does it all. Sort of gives him a chance to prove himself. (ex. he agrees to end it with OW, completely, will prove it, but he's not ready for a recovery plan, well, perhaps that's enough to end plan B, but not enough for him to move back in. See my point?)<P>I know I may get flamed for that, and I'm sure each case is different, but I say this because in reality, lots of WS's aren't ready to do it all right away, it takes them a while and like with my H (and Topie's H), and a few others, you have to give a bit to get a bit. As long as they do the IMPORTANT things (like end it with OW), and whatever other boundary YOU set, and they can prove they are serious, sometimes you don't need it all right away...<P>After this last time though, you may feel like you need it all. And that is fine, that means it is one of your boundaries that you set. It is your choice what you can live with and what you can't. <P>Once you figure all that out, then that's it. Write it down and don't look at it again until you start seeing changes in your H and it looks like you may get back together. Work on you and forget about H as much as possible.<P>He is on a long trip in a far away country. You don't know if you'll ever see him again, but you can hope/pray and get on with your life either way.<P>Good luck, MOM. It is for the best, God has a plan for us all. It may not make sense, but there is a reason, your H probably needs this time for his head to finally clear. That is my hope anyway... You don't want to interfere with this, do your plan B and let your H's head clear on his own, with God's help.<P>HbH<BR>

Thank you for the replies. I do know that I'm doing the right thing. However, this is really my first big STAND. I'm so afraid of letting him leave again. I'm so afraid of the uncertainties of the future. I'm afraid of what it will do to our children (17, 15, 15). I'm afraid he'll run straight to OW (although it seems he needs to find out for sure who his true love is). I'm afraid that the last 16 years will have been for naught. I am grateful for my faith in God. I am grateful for those of you who have shown such compassion and understanding. I wish my H felt that he could come here. There's so much wisdom at this site. I'm hurting and he's not even gone yet. I will try to do what HBH says "he's on a trip in another country." <P>MOM

Well he probably WILL spend alot of time with OW when he moves out. Mine did- he lied to me for 6 wks saying he was staying with various 'friends' or in a hotel and really was with OW much of the time. But was that all bad? No because at least I didnt have him looking me in the face every night lying to me or mentioning divorce so I got a breather break from the emotional stress and I spent much of my time at Bible studies and at church where I confided in several good friends who called me often. Things actually were harder when he moved back in saying he wanted to reconcile then was STILL in secret contact for another month before finally finally ending it. My mistake was being so eager to have him back at all costs that I didnt insist on counseling for awhile BEFORE he moved back in and a specific recovery plan and conditions that he would agree to. Those are all things I would really recommend you get before you let your H move back. Because when he comes home you want ALL of his love and commitment not the scraps. lifeismessy

Well he probably WILL spend alot of time with OW when he moves out. Mine did- he lied to me for 6 wks saying he was staying with various 'friends' or in a hotel and really was with OW much of the time. But was that all bad? No because at least I didnt have him looking me in the face every night lying to me or mentioning divorce so I got a breather break from the emotional stress and I spent much of my time at Bible studies and at church where I confided in several good friends who called me often. Things actually were harder when he moved back in saying he wanted to reconcile then was STILL in secret contact for another month before finally finally ending it. My mistake was being so eager to have him back at all costs that I didnt insist on counseling for awhile BEFORE he moved back in and a specific recovery plan and conditions that he would agree to. Those are all things I would really recommend you get before you let your H move back. Because when he comes home you want ALL of his love and commitment not the scraps.Also remember that statistics and time are on YOUR side- only 10 percent of WS go on to marry their affair partner and 75% of those marriages then fail.My H"s OW was single and DEFINITELY wanted him to divorce me and marry her yet he STILL came home and we are reconciling. lifeismessy

(((((((((((MOM)))))))))<P>Lisa

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> So sorry that you are going through this again. We are here for you.<P> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> jd

Ditto on all the {{{{HUGS}}}}} Don't fight the fear, just do it afraid. You already know it's the right thing. God will take care of you and the kids & your husband. Keep trusting in the midst of the fear.

I just wanted to say that I felt similar to you when my H moved out. Of course like most WS he lied to me about how much he was in contact with OW and spent much more time talking to her than to me. However this had a positive flip side in that when he moved out she figured out marriage was over and sunk her claws even deeper into him - pressuring him even more to divorce me faster, marry her, be her soulmate for life etc etc! That was too much too soon for him even though theirs was a love affair! So I just wanted to say that when your H spends more time with OW she may LB much more with your H which will benefit YOU! Take care- lifeismessy

Hey thanks for all the responses. You won't believe this, but now I think my H is going to put up a fight about moving out! I think maybe reality is setting in? In our state this means I will have to file a legal separation and get and order to vacate. I don't want to go to the trouble, as it costs just about as much as filing for divorce. What is his problem! He was alternately manipulating me yesterday BIG TIME. First, he was acting very ugly to me, then last night when I got home from work, hugging me and not letting me go. After I went to bible study I asked him if he'd looked at the budget I'd figured out and if he'd decided how he wanted to handle the finance (child support, etc.). He said "no I really didn't look at it". I said "are you going to be ready to leave Saturday?" He said "I don't know." Then I said "well, we need to tell the kids, you know." I asked him if he needed to tell me some things or what? He said "yes, I have things to say, but we'll talk tomorrow." I said "are you going to make me go ahead and file for legal separation, even after you told me and the counselor that if I wanted you to leave, you'd leave?" He would not respond. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

Hmmm... It sounds like he is very confused but what stands out the most to me is that he really doesn't want to leave. Deep down, he probably knows already that there is no future for him and OW. AND, he sees that you are strong enough to go on without him and maybe the reality of that is hard for him to take. But I agree with you that you have to think of yourself and the kids and preserving what's left of your love for him.<P>If it is going to create a financial burden to file for separation, could you wait a little longer to save a bit more $$$ if possible? Can you stand to do that? Would you be risking the chance of suffering more pain and destroying your remaining love altogether? I know it must be extremely difficult for you, but to me, it sounds like he really doesn't want to lose you guys... (?)<P>What gives you the most peace? Showing him that the betrayal and lies are not tolerable, or showing compassion because he seems depressed? BUT THEN it makes you wonder if he is depressed for selfish reasons judging by his past bad behavior which has been totally selfish... OR is he being despondent because of the possibility of losing you & your kids?<P>Either way, he does need to make a choice--OW or you and the kids, can't have both... Marriage doesn't work that way.<P>You have to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. We can't tell you what to do! You know what you need to do! Go for what you know!

My H did exactly the same thing...he would not discuss anything, didn't end up talking to the kids, but he went anyway. I too had hoped that a lack of discussion signalled that he had changed his mind, but it happened. Don't get your hopes up, as you will be even more hurt.<P>Is there something you can do the night before...I went out with friends who didn't know a thing...it kept my mind off it. He packed his clothes and the car while I was out.<P>I feel for you because I know what it is like to KNOW someone is going to leave, and then it happens. You will have a rough time. Even if you want it. But come here and cry with your MB friends...we'll cry with you.