How do I act now that he's planning to leave? d-DAY was six months ago but he's decided that he needs to leave and get out on his own. He has his apartment and is buying the basics. October 1st is doomsday for me. The real problem I'm having is how to interact, how to plan A, etc. He doesn't want affection and actually refuses it if I try. Sometimes conversation is difficult, sometimes it's not. I let him initiate and I follow the mood. When we're out socially, he acts and speaks as if we're still a couple. <P>I'm just confused and need some sound advice.

Plan A is about meeting the WS's emotional needs. Think hard. WHAT does he LIKE you to do...physical stuff is out, so look at the post for EN's and try to figure out what he likes, then do that. <P>Plan A is not about what you think they would like based on what YOU like, it is radical honesty really...does he like attractiveness? Be that way. Does he like fun? Be That way.. In this, you have an advantage over OW, cos you already KNOW, if you really think about it, what he wants.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

I'm so sorry for you. This is so hard. Do you have friends you can be doing things with? I say be kind to him. Don't push on the affection. Try to help out with the moving, if at all possible. Let him see you as STRONG. Try to keep busy doing things for YOU. Plan A is working on making YOU a better person. It's o.k. to let him know that you still have hopes for your marriage, but now is NOT the time to appear needy. Let him go in as loving a way as possible. I spent too much time trying to control the situation with me and my H. I've been working very hard on letting him control his part. You need to do the same. Are you in counseling for yourself? Ask the counselor what you can to do try to detach. You can still love him. You can still want your M. Am I making any sense? Sorry if not. My prayers will be with you...<P>MOM

Thanks NTOO and MOM, It's so hard to be amicable during this time of his preparing to leave. I WANT my marriage, I love my H and continue to fervently hope that he, one day, will want it too. It's just so hard to feel those things and not really show it because it would appear NEEDY or DESPERATE. The art of detaching and letting go is a very difficult one. I'm a very slow learner in this case...

Terrified<BR>My H is moving out on Oct 1st as well !!! I am in the same boat as you. These past few weeks since he told me have been very difficult. I have tried to remain loving and kind and he knows how much I love him and want him to stay. I have tried so hard not to be pathetic but there are times when the tears just come and i can't stop them. He says he just needs time and space and wants to be alone. He also rented an apartment not far from where I work. He has promised to be in touch often. Only time will tell if he really does. I am having a hard time letting go. I want him here with us. But I know that I have to let him do this. I have asked him several times if there is OW but he is adamant that there is no one else. Just wants to be alone and sort things out. If I knew that was all it was going to take and he would come home, I would find it so much easier to let him go. But there is no guarantee that he will come back. We have been married 24 years, 3 kids and a grandson. How can he walk away from all this ? He is not taking much from the house, but he signed a 1 yr lease on the apartment. Thats scares me. I am going to miss him like crazy. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He has an internet chatroom addiction as well.. and thinks that they are the only friends he has. He is starting to tell them now that he is moving out... so the vultures are circling. I just have to make myself not think about all the flirting he is going to be doing. He is going to love being alone... all that time to chat away to whomever he wishes. Without my interferance. He is going to think he has gone to heaven. Does not have any responsibilities... and all the time in the world to flirt.<BR>Please let me know how you are doing... I think we must feel the same way. It hurts !<BR>Juice<BR>

Terrified---<P>MOM had a very good point. Find some friends that can come by often, and go with them as much as possible. I find that when I am alone it hurts a lot worse than when I am doing something. <P>I read a lot---NOT books on relationships, but books I enjoy. Patricia Cornwell, Dean Koontz, James Patterson, etc---these authors keep me on my toes, and get my mind off of my H not being in the house.<P>I also have a 4 and 6 yr old. They keep me busy. I used to cry everytime that they asked when is Daddy coming home, but it does get easier, I promise.<P>I also found out that prayer helps immensly.<P>Just an opinion....Hugs to you!!<P>Krystal

Juice...<P>I know just how you feel. I have not been living with my WH for a month now (he at the apartment then a friends place, me at my parents), but now he is signing a lease and moving in October 1. I don't know if it is a year lease or a 6 month or what...probably a year lease. I am so worried that means he will never come home. It will be an additional hurdle even if he does have second thoughts (well that and the "Crazy Time" book on divorce he is reading that basically says you should ignore second thoughts, they'll go away (instead of suggesting that they mean something like you are making a mistake?!?!?!). I found all this out last night and it flew me into a panic. My poor parents, they think I am so weak. I didn't say anything needy to my hubbie today, just said that this is hard, I am staying in our apartment and he is going to have to chip in for the cost (too expensive for me) because the pets and I didn't ask for this and no one will rent to us (3 pets, one old old dog that needs a ground floor walk out). He says that is fine, he is going to help, he doesn't want me to to suffer. I guess the fact he is being nice helps, but I am so scared.<P>Guess we just keep it up and see where it leads. I try to let him know I love him and although I am trying to put ME back together, my heart is still open for him....He asked for a divorce, and time and space. Not sure how much teh divorce talk was for certain (I am sure he thinks it is at the time), but I do know he needs the time and space.....<P>Sounds bad, but it is SO NICE to hear of others who are there with me, I don't feel so alone. Now if only I can hear of people who have been here and gotten back and gotten a better marriage. Maybe I should search teh In Recovery boards.

Terrified, My H left a week ago, I know how you are feeling, I to Love my H very much and want my M back. I don't want the person he is now I want who he was, we have 3 kids that want him too. I try to stay strong by thinking of the way my M has been the past 2 years with his A and all and realize I don't want that life again, I want the life we once had and the future that we were going to make together. So hang in there we will all get through this. Love and Hugs Sad Sally

Thanks so much for all of your replies. Now I'm just angrier that instead of enjoying our lives with our children, they days and months are scarred by sadness taking away the ability to feel completely happy. When I look back at the past six months since d-day, I really could hate my H, you know what I mean?<P> However, Sad Sally, you're right, I don't want the life I've had since the A. I want a better one and we have to put our best foot forward while hoping for the best.<P>

H asked me to use some old sheets tonight and our current duvet so that I could go out and buy a new one???!!! I stayed calm and said, "Sure." Five minutes later, he decides to run an errand for my mother????!!! When he comes back from my mother's, he decides to put pictures up with my 2-year old D and once finished, tells my D to go call Mommy so that she can see???!!!<P>Yes, I definitely have the story straight.

Terrified,<P>You never know what can happen between now and Oct.1<BR>I say this because your H has behavior that contradicts a man who is preparing to move. He is confused. Your last post illustrates that. Keep up Plan A. Make sure you know what HIS needs are. I kept trying to meet my H's needs but it never worked because they were needs that I valued as opposed to needs that he valued. I am sure that he is noticing your changes. While he may waffle back and forth, you must be consistant. He will notice this and it will have an affect on his decision.<P>I know how you feel. It is very hard to be upbeat and loving when you feel that you are about to lost everything important to you. Make sure that he doesn't see this side. Thank God, I had a couple of very good friends and this board to help me maintain my Plan A. Go to your friends for support and come here but don't let him see you suffer. Right now, he can not handle your pain. Make your home a safe enjoyable place for him. You will gain a certain sense of peace and no matter what happens you will know that you did your best.

Hi Cleo, Thanks for your reply. Good to hear you say my H is confused. I think so too but my interpretation may just be wishful thinking or desperation. Since he won't let me demonstrate any affection or SF (one of his top EN's), how can I best show love?

Pretty hard not to panic when he will be there less than a week now. But I did talk to him last night and was less pathetic... told him I knew he had to leave and that is probably was a good idea. I told him I would give him the time/space he was asking for however, I expected him to use the time to get himself together and not as a holiday from responsibility. That he had not done a very good job of dealing with his problems alone and perhaps he should consider getting counselling (something he refuses to talk about). I also told him that I would be patient but if I found out that he had alternative motives for leaving I would be very angry and it would get ugly. He was adament that he was only leaving to have time alone.... so I will beleive him. <BR>I also am curious as to how many separations have ended with the couples getting back together ? Does absence make the heart grow fonder ? Will they come back more focused and ready to commit to the marriage and family ? I am looking for hope that things will work out as long as I am patient. That it will be worth waiting for. <BR>I am reading "Transitions" by William Bridges. He talks about the stages being -- Disengagement , Disidentification , Disenchantment, Disorientation and the Neutral Zone prior to the New Beginning. Perhaps we can use this to define where WE are in this transition period as well as where are H's are. I am thinking that for those of us who are experiencing separation... that is definately the Neutral Zone... they are reassembling their lives. Its the beginning of the new life. So at this point I have great hope that this separation is a good thing... at least there is movement and we are not staying stagnet in a neverending emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis. <BR>Just my opinion as I try to keep my head above water...... and get through each day looking for some sort of reassurance that things will work out.<BR>Thanks <BR>Juice

Separation is a mistake. You cannot work on YOUR marriage if YOUR husband is not at home. Use every possible means that you have to keep him home, delay, delay, and delay. Tell him that if nothing else he owes it to your daughter. I was that husband at one time; my wife leveraged everything to keep me in the house. I made up my mind that I was going to move out and then get a divorce. I gave her a date and told her the plan. There was never a time that she was supportive with the plan. She kept trying to meet MY emotional needs, she was very nurturing, she gave me a lot of space at the house, she was not confrontational, but she was very adamant in us living in the same house. There where a number of nights that I would sleep on the sofa or in one of the children’s room. Staying home at all cost worked for me, and the children card really worked. Leaving my children was the single hardest thing that I faced during that time. My prayers are with you and your family. Be strong, your family is worth the fight.

T,<P>Affection in one of my H's top needs also. Obviously, this and SF were pretty much off limits before recovery. I did make attemtps at affection. Sometimes he would respond, other times not. I wasn't aggressive about trying to meet his need for affection. I just tested the waters every now and then. I did, however, attempt to meet his other needs. If you know what his top 5 needs are, concnetrate on the top 3. Be the best at those. The more units you are able to deposit the more likely he will be open to letting you meet his top two needs.<P>Remind him, in a non LB way, that you would really like for him to stay. It would be very very difficult to meet his needs if you are not living under the same roof.

I do not necessarily agree that separation has to be a bad thing. I have tried for 3 years to convince him to stay and work this out with me. I have tried everything, meeting his needs, begging, pleading, arguing, ignoring, changing myself (physically/mentally) you name it, I have tried it. We are going in cicles now and my fear is that we will eventually resent and hate each other. As much as I don't want him to leave. I know that we can't continue to live the way we are living. The internet addiction is dynamite and very hard to deal with. He withdraws to the computer and thinks they are the only friends he has. The kids and I walk on eggshells most days. He will not go for help, wants to figure this out all by himself (although has not done a very good job so far). I am not saying that separation is a good thing, however, perhaps its better to have some space than to continue in this cycle. There is still communication and affection and there will still be contact. He has even suggested that we "date". <BR>I know I am taking a chance that he will not come back, however, I do not like the man that is living with me right now. We have no chance at all if we stay together. At least this way, we have a 50/50 chance that he will do some reflecting and decide what is really important to him without interferance and pressure. It also gives me a chance to lessen the stress for my family and to make the changes that I need to make to get myself emotionally well again. I think there is a time for being apart. To allow each other the space to grow and the time to be alone. And after 3 years of trying, trying trying, this is probably the last resort. I won't give up on the marriage, I just need to give up trying to control it. He needs to find himself again. Do you believe in the old adage: Set it free, if it was yours, it will be back, if not it never was. I have always said that I signed on for the long haul, that I would not give up. He knows that and he also knows without a doubt that I love him and want him home. But I also cannot force him to stay. You say, keep them at home...... for how long....... was 3 years long enough ?<BR>

Thanks for all your replies. It's interesting to hear that some of you are so opposed to separation. However, I have tried to convince him not to leave and each time we discuss it, it just results in more anger. He isn't in any state of mind to listen to reason. I am worried that being away from his family will prevent him from making a decision to stay with the marriage but I cannot try to control his decisions any longer. I have made a decision to let go and leave the rest up to God.<P>I love my H and want my marriage to work but cannot continue to live with a man I no longer know.

Thanks for all your replies. It's interesting to hear that some of you are so opposed to separation. However, I have tried to convince him not to leave and each time we discuss it, it just results in more anger. He isn't in any state of mind to listen to reason. I am worried that being away from his family will prevent him from making a decision to stay with the marriage but I cannot try to control his decisions any longer. I have made a decision to let go and leave the rest up to God.<P>I love my H and want my marriage to work but cannot continue to live with a man I no longer know.

Terrified<BR>Good luck this weekend... I am a bit paniced again. He is starting to put a few things together and has made arrangements for a truck. Everytime he does something more to prepare to move my heart aches again. <BR>I haven't decided if I should be there on Sunday or not. I guess I will see how strong I am that day. I may have to leave for awhile until he is gone.<BR>The other night my daughter was crying. She did not want her dad to see her that way. I told her that he should see what this was doing to the whole family not just me. Awhile later she met him in the hallway, and she burst into tears and threw herself into his arms sobbing. He held her for a long time... and then whispered in her ear "don't worry honey, I won't be gone that long".<BR>Now what the heck is that all about ? Why would he say that ? Why would he lie to her ? Is he planning already to perhaps come home ? Now I am more confused than ever. I would have expected him to say something like .... I will see you often .... or it will be ok, you can call me anytime. But why would be say what he did ? I know he must have been having second thoughts about the whole leaving part. We have been very good together this past few weeks while he made his arrangements. We are still eating suppers together and sleeping together. If anyone looked at us they would never know that he was leaving. I have casually mentioned a couple of things that I am going to miss doing with him. For the most part, he has not replied but he did say he was going to miss me as well. But of course, I have to say it first. He does still tell me that he loves me.... but that may be habit as its usually when he leaves for work in the morning and I have always gotten a kiss and an I love you at bedtime. So yes, i am confused. And now i have my hopes up more than ever that it will be temporary. And i know I shouldn't do that. I have to prepare for the worst.<BR>Thanks for listening. Would appreciate any comments on what he told my daughter.<P>Thanks again<BR>Juice<BR>

Hey Juice, My husband tells me he loves me but not like a husband should love his wife. He backs away from ALL affection (says I never initiated it before so now would be a simple act of desperation on my part) and wants nothing to do with family togetherness. It sounds as if your husband can't make up his mind and it hasn't really hit him yet that he's leaving. Re:your daugther, I'd say that he's leaving to find himself again which is a great thing for you. Keep up your excellent Plan A. <P>I wish you luck and my prayers are with you.