I am very confused as to why my WS has lost all interest in affection from me. D-Day was 9 weeks ago. Right after that we talked for hours and the passion was BACK into our relationship, but she was still talking to OM but he had moved away and she hadn't seen him. She finally had to see him 2 weeks ago to have a "closure" meeting with him. Since that time she has been going through withdrawal and since that very day hasn't shown ANY affection to me. No hugs, no kisses, no sex....nothing. WHY ? <P>She did call yesterday from work crying and apologized for how she has been treating me and for not meeting my needs. I have been Plan "A"ing since day 1. But last night and this morning were more of the same. <P>How can i meet her Emotional Needs if she won't accept my love for her ? She says that most of her wants to be with me and our family, but a small part of her can't let him go.<BR>She said she feels like she is in the middle..DUH She is in the middle. I lovingly told her that. SHE is the only one who can make this choice.<P>WHAT CAN I DO NOW ???????? <P><BR>

Would someone PLEASE tell me what to do now ?????

Hi SD, You're new to this and I'm sorry that you have to join our forum. Don't get me wrong, MB has been my saviour but it's sad that we have deal with infidelity. However, there's alot of help here. Come here often to find it.<P>Re:your wife's state, she is currently in what we call withdrawal. The lack of affection towards you is so very normal during this time and can last, unfortunately, indefinitely, depending on your wife's state of mind. However, what is important for you is to understand that lack of affection is VERY NORMAL. What is equally important is how you deal with this. Plan A is about YOU, not her, remember that. Don't push her for ANYTHING. <P>Read the MB home page for new members. Be prepared for the ride of your life.

Hi Sad Daddy. My best guess would be that she is either feeling guilty, or feeling angry. In either case she won't want to have much contact with you. Have you done the questionaires with her? Do you know what her needs are? Do you know how SHE needs you to fill them? For example, Financial security is one of my top ENs. My husband thought he was filling this need by working 60 hours a week and bringing home as much money as he could. Unfortunately this meant I never got to see him, and he missed all my other needs like recreation and conversation. So he wasn't filling my need the way I needed him to. He might as well have not been filling it at all! <BR>I don't know if this example helps any. If you have questions just ask. I'm the WS, by the way, so I may be able to give insight on your W's feelings.<p>[This message has been edited by Marissa (edited October 04, 2001).]

i have to agree with terrified. YEP. withdrawal is a very normal state. she emotionally is going through a "death" of a relationsihp and with a death there are about five stages in which a person goes through.<P>1... denial<BR>2... anger<BR>3... bargaining (may not pertain)<BR>4... depression<BR>5... acceptance<P>and id say in the death of a relationship, <P>6.....healing<P>as a betraying spouse, i know what when i finally, FINALLY really did give up OM, i went through most of those feelings. i was really resentful at haveing to give up something(someone) who just made me feel so good in all aspects of life, (excpet my concious) (SP??) lol.. anyhow, i wanted to love my H, but i couldnt. i had to get OM out of my heart, adn out of my head. and that has taken a long long long long.......LONG time. but my situation is not yours. My H was abusive for 8-9 yrs and that is really a different story all together. OM was my life line in a sort. anyway.....back to you....dont push her, just be there, do what ever you can to be good to her. I dont think asking now and then if she needs to talk is out of the question, but the main thing is....DONT PUSH. For me, the lack of affection towards my hsuand ( and still will occassionally) is due ot anger at him for what has happened. even tho it isnt TOTALLY YOUR fault or anything like that. Just anger. we release our anger on those who mean the most ot us, unfortunelty. <P>Her calling you is a good sign in a sense, you know that you are on her mind, that is is remorseful of what she has done, at least not in a trance like state of denial.<P>Id keep my eye on her and watch carefully, any SUDDEN change of attitude can mean trouble. (om?) she will go up and come down..but you will begin to have gradual more ups than downs over a period of time.<P>hopes this helps,<BR>mercy

ok......i went back and read it again.....<P>what are the chances of that "closure" meeting have resulted in somethign else??"<P>remmeber i am the betraying spouse, my mind thinks like your WS. ?????<P>i oculdnt go away and not be honest.<P> mercy

Thanks for the reply Marissa, <P>I have not filled out or even printed that yet. Not sure how she would react to seeing it. <P>Why is she that way NOW and wasn't the first 7-8 weeks ? I understand that she is in withdrawal from OM, but why does that have to include distance from me. I assumed that she would pull closer during this time. She is aggitated alot, but doesn't seem angry with me...i think it is guilt. She knows what i need and want, but she just can't bring herself to give it. I don't LB or even get angry about it. I am very understanding and tell her i know she can't give it. <P>I am not sure if that helps her or not. She feels bad for what i am going through and apolgized for it, but that didn't change anything. She seems so helpless. <P>Marissa, how can i start to fulfill her EN when she won't let my love for her in ? She has to at least be able to accept it first. She says she feels so alone. <P>Talk to me Marissa....<P>THANKS<P>

Mercy, <P>I have often thought about that also. She told me that the A wasn't about sex, even though they did that. I don't think they did that at this closure meeting. She was a MESS when she got home. She came to me and told me immediately that she had meet him to "end it". Then afterward she said that she didn't say she would never call him again. 2 weeks later she did call him...just to see if he was "okay". <P>I understand Plan A is about me treating her the way she want's/need's to be treated. But how much good is it if she won't accept it. Yes i am being positive, supportive, honest, all those good things and she knows it. We can talk about everything. <P>What has to trigger her to make a choice ? Will she eventually wear herself out and make a choice ? The OM will never give up, he has nothing to lose and only her to gain. I thank GOD that the OM is 4-5 hours away now. <P>I feel like the TinMan on the Wizard of Oz...I need a new heart cause mine has been run through a meat grinder.<P>

There is a song by Kenny Chesney.....it goes like this...<P>.....saw a man in the movies that didnt have a heart, how i wish i could give him mine, then i wouldnt to feel it breakin all apart and this emptiness would suit me fine...<P>times like these i wish i was the tin man, you could hurt me al you wanted, id never even know.....id give anything, just to be the tin man then i wouldnt have a heart, and i wouldnt need a soul....<P><BR> I have to agree with your wife saddaddy, because for me also it wasnt about sex...it was about the fact that OM met so many needs that werent being met, but, what happenes is all those warm feelings develope and end in sex, that is the way we express it all isnt it?<P>those triggers to call.....gosh i cant hardly explain them except you feel sooo desprete to call, jsut to see how they are doing, to hear their voice, because it is them who make us feel normal, because NOTHIGN is ever normal again. I am here this morngin because after 10 months...i have the urge to call ......just to see how he is doing. he lives ......2 hours away. I wont because it isnt waht i need, he is a womanizer ect ect....but back to you.....it is normal. there is going to have to come a time that she gets strong enough to find another actvity to take up her time when she gets the urge tocall. that is what i had to do, find another past time, because OM was a dangerous pasttime. <P>MY OM didnt have a thing to lose either, but he gave up, i dont hear from him anymore, he found someone new i am sure, but had to give him the HONEST good by and NOT contact him again......he got the picture.<P>when a woman gives herself sexually it is a vulnerable position (for most it seems) it is a giving of HER HEART, mind and soul. it isnt usualy JUST about SEX. she has a lot of stuff to sort through. what about counseling?? <P>you know for me, i didnt even feel like me.....like i was someone else.....in another world in another country for that matter. I didnt know me, i felt lost, helpless, angry, mean, hateful, loving, annoyed, and lost lost lost. my H wont come here, he cant stand the pain, and yet i am the WS.....have you ever suggested she come here?? have her look up my stories.....id imagine she is nt far from where id been.<P>love....makes the world go round......love is what saved the world....<P>mercy

Mercy, <P>Thanks for the posts. I think i have one long, hard, painful road ahead of me. The OM will never give up, he's 20 years older than her and doesn't have anything in his life other than her and is away from is immidiate family. He is a nice guy as hard as that is for me to say. I used to think he was my best friend. <P>I have changed since D-Day my entire attitude about my WS. She knows this and truly believes that we can be happy together in the future. She is such a caring person that she was/is trying to end this without anyone getting hurt and in the process is hurting EVERYONE. <P>Mercy, answer me this. Why right after D-Day did the passion came back and was great. Then it fade away until she tried to end it with him. Now it's all gone ?? <BR>I understand withdrawal etc. but why was it there the first 7-8 weeks ? <P>The best 4-5 days of our marriage were the 4-5 days before she meet him and tried to end it....Now she says that was because of her excitement to see him.... <P>Talk to me Mercy. <BR>

Sad Dad,<P>Since I was a WS and am now going through being a BS, let me maybe explain things a little. After I had my a. I hated myself for what I had done and although for a month after I could give my h. everything, I then shut down and went selfish and self-destructive. If your w. is calling crying, than good for her. I got to this stage and what I needed was not to hear that it was ok, but that I was still loved. Your wife loves you deep down, it's just that so much stuff gets in the way that you don't even know who you are and helping her to come to terms with everything and also going to therapy and everyone discussing how they feel, know that you are loved by a lot of people. I believe that every marriage goes through the refining fire, it's when you're strong enough to get through it, that's when you know it's going to be ok.

RaineFall, <P>I understand that part. She knows i love her and she has told me that she loves me very much and always will. It's so hard to understand many things...like this week. 3 days this week she has called and asked if i wanted to meet her for lunch. I accept each time and we go have lunch and talk. She seems to enjoy that, but doesn't want anything phyiscal with me. If she enjoys being around me, I don't get the other part. She has been pretty open about it..as much as a WS usually is i guess. She has only been to our MC once...i have seen the MC 3 times ..soon to be 4. She knows that the MC can't make her decision for her though. What happens if you go to a Plan "B" right in the middle of their withdrawal ??? Right now i don't even think she cares what she has to lose as long as it isn't him. <P>I am not going to do that, but many would tell me too that don't know how this "game" is played. <P>Are BS's likely to start an affair of their own because a spouse has withdrawn and doesn't show the BS the attention they need at a time when they need it most ???? It seems that I would be such a good candidate for one....i feel so unloved. <P><BR>

I was signing on today to ask this same question. My question is more on timing. When does it start feeling &#8220;right&#8221; for a WS to give affection? What is the average time span? (After last contact with OP.)<P>My WH is having a tuff time being affectionate. I need his attention desperately and not getting it was taking a toll on the love bank! He felt that if he wasn&#8217;t feeling anything that he shouldn&#8217;t give affection. I disagreed and we came to a compromise. He is going to provide as much affection as he can without making himself miserable. When he reaches an uncomfortable state, I told him to take time off until he is comfortable. I am enjoying to affection immensely even if he doesn&#8217;t feel it inside. I sometimes catch him giving my leg a squeeze or rubbing his thumb across my hand. I have to believe these are feelings coming through. If he weren&#8217;t even trying to give affection, these little pleasures wouldn&#8217;t be there. I also feel that it would be hard to go from giving no affection at to all of a sudden giving affection if he didn&#8217;t have this starting point.<P>My WS also had to have a &#8220;closure&#8221; meeting. I kind of knew he would, but it still hurt like heck! This took place on 9/11/01.<P>Prayers are with you!<P>Le

Hang in there, SD! Hope and pray that her alienation of affection doesn't last too much longer. Once she completes her grieving process she'll be able to better concentrate on you and the marriage. Protect yourself by continuing your Plan A process and try not to LB. I admire your courage in wanting to give her all that you can when you receive little or nothing back. Be strong and give her the time that she needs. You will be justly rewarded in the end for all your good deeds [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm in the same boat. WH is affectionate every once in a great while. We sleep together most nights (usually if we're not together it's because one of us fell asleep on the couch with three year old) and we have sex, but usually there is no cuddling or messing around. Tonight, H grabbed my butt while I was cooking and I almost turned around and gave him a HUGE hug, but was afraid I would scare him off so I just smiled and kept cooking. My question is--<B>how do you encourage the affection without pushing them away???</B> Like tonight, my first impulse was to hug him and let him know I loved it, but I was afraid to.