Well, Hi All, sorry to say I feel like I am getting worse all I do is cry, WH has not be around he came over on Thanksgiving morning and stayed half an hour and the kids had not heard from him so tonight they decided to call him, needless to say after they talked I figured I would just say hi.<p>Anyway as you all know My H has started the separation process in the legal aspect, so it was kinda awkward talking to him, I just asked him if he was happy and his response was well I miss the kids and the house, but I don't miss you. He also went on to say that he is not sorry for anything he has done including the A.<p>
My response to him was that I feel he just bailed out, when the going got tuff he left, he is a coward You have to fight for what you have, stick it out for better or for worse.<p>So thats where I stand right now, just waiting for my lawyer to contact his and I guess the process will begin. He really doesn't want to try to work things out, Why?? I keep asking myself. After everything he has done to me I truly miss him is that sick or what???<p>I guess my M is really over, I am not accepting this and I am having a very very difficult time the emotional pain is unbearable. I have been not functioning well these past couple of days couldn't even work.<p>Please pray for me, I feel like I am falling apart and not able to live without him.<p> Love Sally

Sally,<p>I truly feel for you tonight. I'm SO sorry that we all have to go through this. WHY do they treat us so badly? Please know that your children love you. Call them into the room for a family hug, they are your strength. No matter what your H tells you, I don't believe it's possible to just turn off the feelings that you KNOW he's had for you over the last 26 years. <p>Please take care of yourself. Know that we care about you and are here for you.<p>God bless you and your children.
Kev

Thanks kev, I truly needed to hear that as I sit here typing and crying. Thanks so much.<p> Love Sally

Disregard this reply, Just checking if my profile updated. Thanks Sally

So, how about that family hug?<p>K

Just did a family hug before putting the kids to bed, it felt really good. My heart breaks for them he left them just when they needed him the most, How selfish can these WS become??<p> Love Sally

{{{{{{{{{ Sally }}}}}}}}}}}<p>I know how you're feeling. I've been there a few times too many. All I can tell you is how I made it, and are still making it thru it.

• I let myself go thru it and tell myself it's temporary.
• I tell myself to stop thinking about the future for now, and to just make it thru this moment, hour, day.
• I remind myself I'm not alone, and there are friends out there on MB that have it much worse.
• I tell myself this isn't about me, it's about my XH.
• I tell myself I cannot control my XH choices.
• I remind myself God loves me and will look after me.
• I remind myself that there is humanity and compassion in all this misery and I see some of it here on this board.
• I tell myself I do not deserve this treatment, I am a good person, and one day this hurt will be gone.

<p>I'm just so so sorry you feel this hurt. I wish I could take it away for you. <p>Sally, I know you can't take the SSRI's but have you started on anything yet? Wellbutrin perhaps?<p>Jo

Hi Jo, I realize everything you mention is so true, but I can't seem to grasp any of it these past couple of days, I am not sure what is going on with me, maybe the reality of everything is sinking in.<p>I don't even look forward to facing a new day. I am on zoloft and xanax, but I hate feeling druged up all the time like a zombie. I am really afraid I am having the beginnings of a nervous breakdown.<p>I feel like I can't move forward, I am stuck in limbo, While here is my H starting a whole new life while he leaves us behind. I am sorry for rambling its just so sad.<p>I realize you have been where I am, and i thank you for your support.<p>
Love Sally

Sally,<p>What is the frequency you are taking Xanax, and what dosage, also, for how long have you been taking it?<p>This is important. Xanax is a form of tranquilizer and is highly addictive.<p>The first time my H had an A, I was prescribed it for panic/anxiety attacks. I became badly addicted and it made me extremely depressed. I built an immunity to where I was taking a very high dosage. I had no idea I was addicted nor did I realize it was significantly adding to my depression.<p>Jo

Jo, I only take the xanax when i feel an anxiety attack coming on, I take 25mgs. once a day, but some days I don't take it I only take it if I am feeling anxious or uptight. My Dr.perscribed this to me about a month ago,but I have only taken the pill maybe 4 times in that month,he also mentioned it is addictive but he didn't tell me it could make me dpressed.<p> Love Sally

I want to clarify regarding depression and Xanax. If you are addicted to it and are taking frequent high doses of it, it then can add to your depression, as it did me.<p>How long have you been taking the Zoloft, and have you felt any change since taking it?<p>Jo

I am on zoloft for over a year now, I have had positive changes since taking zoloft, I feel great on it no problems. <p> Sally

Sally,<p>Since your depression is situational perhaps talk to your doctor about increasing the dosage of Zoloft for a term.<p>You know, you're experiencing the stages of grief. And you will continue to cycle thru them again and again until you get to a point where there is nothing left but acceptance. I find myself experiencing Anger, Depression, and then Acceptance (just those three) again and again.<p>How about you Sally?<p>

• Shock
• Denial
• Numbness
• Fear
• Anger
• Depression
• Acceptance

<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo, The only stages I have experienced are<p> Denial
Shock
fear
depression, This has been a big one for me.<p>
I have not really experienced any anger yet, some but not the normal, for what he has done. I certainly have not gotten to acceptance yet.<p>
Love Sally<p>P.S. I did have my zoloft upped to 100mgs. Thanks

Sally,<p>You know it takes a very long time to recover from this, anyone who tells you differently is lying and it takes all of us different amounts of time. This has been going on for you a relatively short period of time, I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but July was only 4 months ago.<p>I have been at this for 2 1/2 yrs now, maybe closer to 3 in some ways. I still have very bad days and then there are some really good days.<p>Thanksgiving week was the 1st I had ever not been with my boys. I thought it kill me, it didn't. I had a very quite wk, reading and trying to study. My STBX brought the boys back a night early with no warning, ticked me off but the boys & I had the greatest evening. We created some very special memories Sat night. Then Sun when OS & I were putting up lights on the house, we were having fun and I thought if STBX was here, he be mad because part of it wasn't as easy as it should had been & I would have been saying I am sorry every 5 minutes. YOu know what it was better and more fun without him. I was glad he wasn't here. I never thought I get to that point.<p>Just wanted you to know it does get better. 6 mths ago I was at the bottom of despair, read my post from FEB -May and you will see what I mean. Everything is better but I am now poor.<p>Thinking of you.

Here's what I've been told when I wasn't experiencing Anger by not only my counselor, but many books and ppl here on MB.<p>I was told I was internalizing it and turning it inward and it manifested itself as a worse depression.<p>So I started working on expressing my anger and allowing myself to feel it. I have always been afraid to get angry, thought it was a bad thing. Now I try and let myself be angry at my H for the things that have happened. It's not easy, usually I blame or get angry at myself instead. <p>It's hard to change, but I am trying and it's working. Do you think you may be the same regarding anger, Sally?<p>Jo<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks Sing, I appreicate your support, I am hoping and praying to feel happy again and at peace with myself, right now everything seems so hopeless and confusing especially now that he got his lawyer invovled so I needed to get a lawyer also, and with Christmas coming this is the frist year without him and now i have to deal with lawyers, not to mention the expense.<p>Thank you, I am glad to hear that it gets better, because right now it sure doesn't feel that way,
sorry if I am dpressing anyone.<p>
Love Sally

Sally,<p>I'm praying that God will comfort you, and gives you the strength to get through this. I'm riding the roller coaster myself, and feel your absolute despair too at times.<p>God bless,<p>Evensong (formerly SickandUnwanted)

Jo, Yes, that makes a lot of sense to me, I feel like I am def. intneralizing the anger. I seems very difficult to change that pattern.<p>
Sally

Thank you Evensong, I will pray for you also. Let God comfort you in your time of despair.<p>
Love Sally