Hi all,<p>I don't typically read or post on GQII, mainly because infidelity is not why my marriage is in ending.<p>Someone pointed me to another post here, and I started reading a little here.<p>Some things I have read on this forum and other forums disturb me. Some things make me sad.<p>I have been on MB since a friend of mine told me about this site the end of July.<p>I never wanted to save my marriage. It was full of abuse and betrayal by stbx. It's now over.<p>I came here because the friend telling me about the site and telling me there are other's who were abused in their marriage and this could possibly help me through this time of soul searching and healing.<p>There was a point on the Divorced/Divorcing thread when someone asked me if I am not working on my marriage, why am I on MB. I believe the person thought I should not be on MB. I think it's sad some people actually judge the reasons why others come on MB. As for me, who am I to question a persons reasons, I am not paying for the website, I don't own it, I am not a moderator...<p>There are so many reasons people come to MB. It has great support forums, some come to improve themselves and discover things that could have helped in their marriage so their next marriage will be better, some are here to try and save their marriage, some come for their marriage and are now here for other reasons, such as they made friends with others and want to stick around. Even the person who posed the question to me of why I was here, is no longer trying to save her own marriage. <p>Who are we to judge why a person is on MB or if this person or that person does or doesn't belong here?<p>SNL, made a good point when he said, The Harley's don't feel every person should stay in the marriage they are in. They've pointed this out. They've also pointed out plan A and plan B is not for everyone, and sometimes neither can be applied in your marriage.<p>What right do we have to say to a person who wants to leave their marriage due to infidelity, some times even multiple infidelities, by their spouse they should stay? I have heard some say they are selfish to want to get out now. If they want to leave and we talk them in to staying if they get an STD, such as aids...Will we also step in and take care of this person?<p>What right do we have to say to a person who wants to leave their marriage due to physical abuse by a spouse they should stay? Are you going to also step in and take of them if they get severly beaten once they return, or will you adopt their children if their spouse kills them?<p>Please don't take this wrong though, I know there's a difference in suggesting this is an option verses actually saying "You are being selfish go back to your spouse and work on your marriage."<p>What right do we have to tell a spouse who wants to stay in a marriage they should leave? We can point out the safety issues, in a kind way, this is your options way, and please be careful, but if they choose to stay we need to respect this and work with them on their plan A or B, or whatever. If we can't work with them, then a suggestion is to perhaps step aside and let others.<p>Most who have spouses who cheat already know their spouses are putting them at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Most who have spouses who physically abuse already know their spouses are putting their health or lives at risk already. As stated, pointing this out is one thing, but actually shoving it down their throats is quite another.<p>One more thing regarding WS's who come on MB. Most support WS's for coming. That's good. If you see a WS I would like to suggest each time you post to a WS you consider this person to be your own wayward spouse. Perhaps you should think of this person as someone you want to stay on MB because they may learn something and grow. <p>I know BS's who would give almost anything to have their WS come on MB. Once here they want their spouse to be able to see the things they did wrong but don't want people beating them up to a point of not coming back either. Just remember BS's are usually here wanting to save their marriage, so here's a WS, there is so much could possibly learn from this person to perhaps save your own marriage. I think most of you guys know this though, there's only a few who don't.<p>On another topic, I see where people on MB have debate threads. I am ashamed that recently I got involved in one of these threads. Debate threads are fine as long as you remember to respect others. I didn't respect someone and this was not like me. I do know that I use MB as a tool to better communicate with others, I think some day this will help me in my marriage. <p>I want to also say this, I hope without hurting others. Sometimes I do look at a persons posts and their viscious comments and it makes me think, "Oh yea! I can sure see why this person is having problems in their marriage..." Very judgemental on my part, but I bet we all do this. <p>Think about this, if you take stabs at others on MB, if you take offense and you fight back with viscous words, then look in your marriage and ask yourself, "Is this also a huge problem in your marriage?"<p>If you are wanting to work on your marriage, to learn to get a long with your spouse, to learn ways of not reacting to the spouses hurtful things they say by lashing back out, then I would suggest you work on communications on MB. Each time you see yourself lashing out, try harder to improve this...<p>It disturbs me too when I see people attacking others beliefs. Christians attacking athiest and athiest attacking Christians. This is so sad to me. <p>It all comes down to learning respect, if we can learn to respect each others beliefs and agree to disagree on MB, if we can learn to approach each thread diplomatically and get our point across in a way a person will listen instead of feeling a need to lash back out also, then I would think our marriages now or a future marriage will benefit from this and may be the ticket to a successful marriage.<p>As for me, I am sure I will fail again here, as I will also in relationships, I am very far from perfect, I know I will never attain perfection, but will always seek perfection. I just hope I have the wisdom to see what I am doing wrong or someone else has the strength to point this out to me, (in a diplomatic way of course) in order to correct what I have done and make changes. I hope I will apologize and move on, learning something from my mistake.<p>Lastly, one more thing that disturbs me is when I've read someone's statement that says this, "If MB is upsetting you, or if what I say upsets you, then leave. No one is forcing you to stay on MB" This sure sounds too much like the attitude spouses have in their marriage. Please ask yourself these questions. Is this the attitude we should have? Is this what you tell your spouse? Isn't there a better way to communicate? What are we gaining by communicating in this fashion?<p>Well, I must love coming on forums with a big bang! I hope my words didn't offend anyone. These are only my observations and my opinions.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA<p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

A-<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...when someone asked me if I am not working on my marriage, why am I on MB. <hr></blockquote><p>What that person, and many of us, fail to understand is that you ARE working on your marriage, just not THIS marriage. You'll be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife for having been on MB. Next time someone asks ANYONE that question, I suggest we ALL chime in with that answer. Granted, there are some folks who truly don't belong here, but if someone is seeking help and guidance, I for one will welcome them with open arms.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know BS's who would give almost anything to have their WS come on MB. Once here they want their spouse to be able to see the things they did wrong but don't want people beating them up to a point of not coming back either. Just remember BS's are usually here wanting to save their marriage, so here's a WS, there is so much could possibly learn from this person to perhaps save your own marriage. I think most of you guys know this though, there's only a few who don't. <hr></blockquote><p>Anna, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!<p>Thank you for your insight.
Kev

Hi Anna,<p>I am sorry you are having to go through such a difficult time yet I respect your decision. Thanks for posting your thoughts. <p>This is a forum, people come here anonomously and post their thoughts, suggestions and opinions. I myself practice and say, to take the good out of here and throw out what does not fit for me. Yet I need to make sure I am not only taking what I want but what is actually good for my situation. <p>We need to realize that not everything said here must be taken as gospel. These are people's opinions and situations. They are not a perfect fit for other situations. Just something to consider. Attitude needs to be adjusted to get the correct benefit. <p>We use the plan A and B theories in our lives with many others. It is really not much different when dealing with a WS. I have seen that WS who want recovery and a BS that does not still have similar issues as visa versa. Hm..... that got me thinkin', then what is the difference? Attitude. <p>You said that when we reply act like it is to our spouses? I think some of reply better to others than our spouses.... I understand your idea so maybe we need to temper our responses to work for the good. Keep the common objective and goal in mind. Recovery in marriage &/or betterment of one's attidue. Real common sense stuff here. Easy to misapply or take for granted. <p>The other piece is that our human nature often forgets who and what we are dealing with. We need to remember there are real people behind those posts not just made up stuff. <p>Thanks again.<p>Take Care,
L.

Hey Anna:<p>I've always welcomed your posts and I appreciate how well they are thought out. I have many of the same concerns you do, and a recent post to a WS on this site went way over the line in my opinion, and I found it rather disturbing. Some of the vitriolic responses are down right hateful.<p>That being said, I have included some pretty nasty venom in some of my postings but all for a good purpose. My anger is quite palpable, and if I couldn't vent here it would come out in my M (to ill effect) at this critical juncture just when my W and I are slowly moving toward healing our M. <p>Any number of responses to other posts I read can be full of acrimony, and appear judgmental, but I try to read between the lines to recognize that we are dealing with a lot of souls who have been profoundly betrayed. For the most part, people here are both trying to understand the whirlwind they've been caught up in and process the utter fear and sadness of their respective situations. Viewed in this light, even some of the more off-color posts serve a beneficil purpose, at least to the author. <p>The name-calling and bickering I can do without.

Thanks Kevco, Orchid and RJB2 for your comments. I really appreciate all that was said.<p>Kevco, <p>I truly admire you, the way you work so hard on getting your wife back, the way you see your own faults, not just her and the way you learn on MB and grow. You are doing awesome!<p>Orchid and RJB2,<p>I have to admit I know very little about your stories. I'll try to read up on them. Sometimes though I choose not to read old threads, because people grow so much from day to day in here, I think we can learn the facts, but often if we read their past threads we miss who the person is today, by judging them for who they were yesterday.<p>Orchid, <p>You made a good point when you said often people treat other WS's better than they would their own wives. Perhaps I could have worded than one better. THANKS!<p>RJB2, <p>I too have said many times on here, I keep the things that make me a better person and file the rest away. <p>Thanks again all! Your thoughts are very appreciated. The day I wrote this, I had read a thread on here that seemed to just make me very sad. It had a lot of bickering and mean little inuendos, I almost considered leaving MB, at some point I do think if MB hurts you worse than helps you it is time to leave. <p>I thought long and hard about leaving after that day. I am concerned sometimes about my own attitude as I read some of the post that seem so sarcastic, an attitude I generally didn't have before MB. I have concluded though for right now MB is helping me more than hurting me. I have made good friends here that I would miss too much, I do believe I am learning more about myself than I ever have in my life, so for now I'll stick around. Although I've been on here way too much, as much as I like helping others and I like getting help from others. I am going to work on shortening my length of time on MB.<p>Thanks again!<p>ANNA<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

>Sometimes I do look at a persons posts and their viscious comments and it makes me think, "Oh yea! I can sure see why this person is having problems in their marriage..." Very judgemental on my part, but I bet we all do this. <p>I have to say I have NEVER thought that. Maybe I'm still hurting too much to be judgmental. I hate to think people actually do think that. One thing I've learned is infidelity can happen to ANYONE.<p>[ December 10, 2001: Message edited by: so hurt ]</p>

Well said, Anna

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Anna2000:
<strong><p>Lastly, one more thing that disturbs me is when I've read someone's statement that says this, "If MB is upsetting you, or if what I say upsets you, then leave. No one is forcing you to stay on MB" This sure sounds too much like the attitude spouses have in their marriage. Please ask yourself these questions. Is this the attitude we should have? Is this what you tell your spouse? Isn't there a better way to communicate? What are we gaining by communicating in this fashion?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Anna,
What a wonderful point you have there! I don't know how many times I have though that same thing. We tend to forget that we are all here to learn about ourselves. It is so easy to say, well if you don't like it then go...just like the attitude I had for a long time in my M. I do have my story here somewhere, I don't know how to do links here. But my attitude with my H was often, fine then if you don't like it leave. That way I didn't have to be responsiblefor anything.
Anyway...I'm tired and am not sure I'm making sense, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Just wanted to comment on that part...
Take care,

I have been a member since 1999 just recently came back. I know about everything you have talked about in your post. When I first got here I was angry, hurt, sad,confused and alot of times I understand if people are stepping over the line. Wild emotions are out of controll. Here was a place to go to start piecing this shattered mirror back together. When you pick up those pieces for the first time yes.. it is going to hurt, it is going to burn and bleed. Then after a while the fog slowly lifts a little... and you look around and see all these people that somehow put up w/your judgments, disagreements, helped you through what was the most horrible thing anyone would have to go through, and then you realize,,... what would have happened if I didn't have MB to go to ... all these people feeling the same.. maybe reacting to emotions and situations differently but we were all in this together.. weather we agreed or not.. thats not why were here to be right all the time???? No...to learn from eachother, support eachother....<p>I know I wouldn't be where I am right now w/out MB...