While reading needings' thread I began to wonder if anyone has kept a journal of what transpired during the fog and later showed it to the WS.<p>Did it do any good? Do they "get" how ridiculous
they sounded and how disrespectful their actions were? Did they just reject it? Is it a LB?<p>I have also wondered about keeping a journal in case small children ask when they are older why mommy or daddy are not together. It is really important to my BS son that his little boy knows how hard he worked to keep the family together.<p>I value your opinions. Thanks
Estes<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

E-<p>The way I see it, what difference does it make after the fact. I really don't see any good coming from showing a WS a journal of this type. It sounds an aweful lot like rubbing their nose in it. Do we really want to do that to someone whom we love, and are trying to reconcile with?<p>As far as the children, why would any of us want to risk the WS relationship with their children by showing all the sordid details of what went on during the A?<p>I don't have a problem with keeping a journal, and even showing it to WS - IF THEY REQUEST IT. But keeping it for the sole purpose of "I TOLD YOU SO," sounds cruel to me.<p>K

Estes,<p>I have been keeping a journal ever since this whole mess started last March. At one point during our second attempt at reconciling, I read it to him. It took 4 hours and he did cry a couple of times when I was talking about the kids. Other wise he showed no emmotions and overall, it was a flop.<p>I guess I have decided that keeping the journal is for me and pray that some day he will understand the pain that he has and is putting me through.<p>Le

Hi Estes,<p>I agree with kevco. You should not keep one just to use for the children down the road. I am keeping a journal because when I go to court, If I need to, I can bring up all the times that she was out and about. I don't know if I will ever use it, but who knows. <p>I know that being in our position as the BS, we would like to have justification on what actions were taken by the WS. Maybe down the road we can show people if needed. But my thinking is that we will need to heal and get on with our lives. I gave my BS papers and it hurts, but we must move on. Good luck.<p>Dino

Thanks for the replies kev and Le,<p>Sounds like the journal should just be therapy for the BS.<p>Let me ask, though, if the WS continually made wrong choices that eventually led to the family not being together any more, i.e. the child did not have two parents at home, why pretend that the WS did no wrong? If the WS gets custody, and the BS doesn't get to be with his child, how does the child know that the BS didn't abandon him by leaving home? <p>Is it basically a matter of protecting the child? At what age can they learn the truth?<p>Estes

Well I never have been able to keep a journal, but I love writting, and I always wrote little things on my head in papers, even journals online. I never knew my H was in a FOG like pea soup, I didn't know he had had a EMA untill he came out of it partially and decided to tell me a couple of months ago.<p>Then I literally sat with him like if I was his best buddy and it took me all the strength and might left on my veins after 2 years of an abusive marriage to make him see what kind of monster he had been and what he had done.<p>He found my journal entries, read them and cried for days. He couldn't believe he had said and done those things, and yet he knew I wasn't whining or exagerating, I am not prone to that, life has been very cruel to me in many ways before, and I know whinning won't help at all.<p>He asked me about these entries, cried some more, apologized, cried and promised to never put me or our children-to-be in such situation. <p>I could see him reading the atrocities he had said, the lies he had fabricated around him. I could see his eyes feeling with pain, disgust, and desdain at the man he had been.<p>Nowadays he HATES the sole idea of he ever liking OW. He feels so repulsed about it that he says he'd have to make use of all his might to not get a dessert spoon and chop her head off with it if he saw her in public.<p>I do not recommend you show your journal to your WH while there are still fog remains. I never had the intention to, but it has helped him to see what made me the most sad, what hurt me, and he is so sorry that the sole idea that he could do anything of sorts mortifies him to no end.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>if the WS continually made wrong choices that eventually led to the family not being together any more, i.e. the child did not have two parents at home, why pretend that the WS did no wrong? If the WS gets custody, and the BS doesn't get to be with his child, how does the child know that the BS didn't abandon him by leaving home
Estes</strong><hr></blockquote><p>This is a tough situtaion when you have young children. I think the best advise is NEVER lie to them. <p>Furtunately, my kids are older and I have told them everything. They were asking questions, so I just told them the truth. I am not going to protect him!!!! He is the one who is making the poor choices and doesn't deserve to be praised in any way! Not even to the kids!<p>I have even stopped trying to convince the kids that he still loves them. His actions speak much louder than my words. I don't cut him down in front of the kids, but I definately don't build him up to be anything more than he is.<p>Le

I was keepign a journal when we were separated. Not for him to ever see. It was just therapeutic for myself. When we got back together I burned it.

Dino09,
I'm sorry your M could not be saved. I wish you a quick healing.<p>Alostwife,
The response from your H is what I would hope showing the journal entries would do, show the WS what pain they had caused and what the BS was willing to put up with to save the marriage. Not an I told you so, but rather a See how you had lost touch of reality and what I chose to love you inspite of for the sake of our M.<p>Moving Forward,
I agree. I don't believe in covering up for the WS. They are adults, and they made a choice, knowing that their children would be hurt. However, I don't believe in generally bad-mouthing the WS to the children either. They need both parents to love them. I just don't think that there should be any doubt that the BS did not betray the family, the WS did.<p>fairydust,
I'm glad things are going well for you!<p>Thanks for the replies everyone,
Estes

Hi Estes,<p>I kept an on-gong journal, I recently emailed my XH a subset abridged (bullet points) version because he was having a hard time understanding what "LEAVE ME ALONE" meant. <p>His reaction, or response, was "I guess I needed a reality check". <p>I have no idea what he could have been thinking ... guess his mind wouldn't allow him to believe (or remember) he had ben beyond cruel, and was recently only having "fond and good thoughts" about he and I. OR ... perhaps my pre-D Plan A efforts kicked in. <p>Perhaps one day, years from now, if the opportunity presents itself, I may give him the full blown version. <p>BTW: During the first A my H had, I kept a journal as well. He discovered it in my things during this second A .... he said he thought I planted it intentionally. Thing is, at the time when he discovered/read it, I had no idea he was having an A. Guilt, guilt guilt .....<p>Jo<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Yes I started seriously after I found out because I needed a place to unleash all the emotions that I was feeling. It was never with the intent of showing to anyone, but it was/is there if ever he wants to read it. As time has passed it has turned into a place where I record what happens daily in our lives. I suppose that someday when I am history my children will read what their crazy mom had to say, and I hope will appreciate the life I chose to live. <p>As for kids, they know...maybe not the what's but they are a lot more sensitive to negative vibes. My younger two were upset all the time; I am sure that the older two knew what was going on. They never asked, but I know they suspected. Had they asked I would have been honest with them. I owe them that as their mother.

Hi, <p>Yes I did. It has not been updated in a few months but at the beginning (when things were changing on a daily basis) it is a novel in itself. <p>It served multiple purposes: <p>1. Allowed me to see what was really happening vs
my opinion.
2. Allowed me to see when WS was going wacko and
rewriting history (now that it was down in
writing).
3. Allowed me to keep track of the OW and her
antics.
4. Made it easier for my counselor to know what
was going on.
5. Allowed me to keep info on record if needed
by the police, lawyer, doctor, whoever.
6. Let WS know what really happened vs what
he thinks happened.
7. See the real impact.
8. Makes me wonder.... how did we surivive?
9. Helped me keep my santity. <p>L.

Hi Jo,
I guess you just have to choose wisely how you use the journal, not as punishment but as the reality check your H referred to.<p>victoria,
You will be leaving your family a treasure with your journal. People I know who journal seriously actually need to write or they feel withdrawal. I think that when the kids are old enough, they need to understand what got the family to the stage it is in.<p>Orchid,
Your list makes a lot of sense in favor of keeping a journal. My sister says one of the greatest benefits (during her D) was to see the progress she was making in the healing progress. She could look back and see how far she had come.<p>Thanks ladies,
Estes

When they are in the fog, they don't remember what they say, so, I kept a jounrnal of all of our conversations, so I could document her rediciouslessness (if thats a word). I just started again.
I also considered my posts here some what of a journal, I should probable print them out. <p>An example is , she actually said reciently, "What did I ever say that was mean".<p>Write if it helps, and my guess is that it will help, bu t don't use it as a LB.

indeed they don't, it is amazing what fog does to the people we love.
My husband has had a very hard time comming to realize the things he said and did, he cannot believe the kind of scumbag SOB he turned into, how he deserted me when I needed him the most, how even though I couldn't give and love him more I kept trying to make him happy.<p>He nows talks about the man he "was" back then as an A**hole and a Jacka**.<p>Note that I never ment for him to find all this info, I just did it because I had nobody to confide in, and it was better to pour it down on paper than letting it rot me inside.<p>Write a journal, it does help a lot, just make sure the WS doesn't find it while in fog, keep it secret, keep it safe [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , no matter how badly you want to say "WHAT??? BUT YOU SAID IT!!! HERE READ READ!!!", because then all you will get is:<p>"You are mad!, psychotic! you fabricated all this on your own!" and a door on your nose.