MY WS is telling me everything about OW, at least a lot of everything and it hurts... he even told me about their sf this week... I am glad to hear the truth...but it hurts like hell... we were having a happy marriage... earlier this yr... and he says she was in his arms- starting to feel like dumping the man I always loved with all of my heart...how could he?/ ; I know what has happened... but the truth makes it worse... and worse... I am even starting to stay calm in the midst of hearing all this CRAP.... but he is starting to say the in your arms crap... when I just get irate and upset on the phone... I am trying to talk and reason with him like I used to be able to when he was here as my Husband,... now I feel like I am dealing with an abducted alien whose mind has been reprogrammed by a lying bit--! Please advice.. I am kind of getting, really, really upset tonight... why?// I want him home... I am tired of this crap tonight... I am tired of being nicey nice and going over to his house and making love and finding out he told her if she will leave her husband they have a chance... I used to be the love of his life,,, HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME????<p>LOVE< HONEY

It seems to me that your H is either 1. completely fogged and can't figure out why you aren't happy for his hot love life....<p>or 2. He's enjoying tormenting you....<p>or 3. He wants you to let him go.<p>Why are you talking to him about the OW?<p>Radical honesty is for recovery - after the affair is OVER. Right now, he is using honesty as a weapon to drive you away, not as a method of proving his love, trustworthiness and as a way to bring you closer.<p>He isn't going to stop the affair or come home no matter how much you want it or try to talk him into it. Instead you are driving him away.<p>Stop talking to him about your relationship and stop asking about his OW. The time to talk about this stuff is IF and when he decides to truely come back to the marriage - and you aren't there yet.

thanks bramble rose, I am really getting upset about all the antics he told me about... and trying to bring him into marriage builders.. he is not there and he is hurting me alot... I think he is just trying to see what he can get away with.<p>I really appreciate your reading, as I have been posting myself into trying to calm down tongiht... I was on the phone with him and he got me... or I got me... all worked up... and I spent the night with him last night... and it just seems to make it hurt more.. seeing him.. going out to dinner. and spending the night... to come home to no more him...<p>I almost left last night and he was dying for me to spend the night at his place, so I did... I kind of wanted to, but do not like his place.... etc. etc.<p>
Yes, he can torment me... NO I should not take it... thanks.<p>thanks, honey

honey,<p>Take a big deep breath, and now another one, and another!!!<p>Feeling better yet?<p>Take another deep breath and again another, and another.<p>Read again what bramblerose is writing, I have gained some useful info tonight, she has been thru this and has come out the other side. Great info and insight.<p>Again take a deep breath and another!!<p>Dawn

Honey,<p>I just want you to know that there is one more MB out here tonight praying for you. I like what BR wrote in response to you, it sounds like she has some great wisdom.<p>knight<p>[ December 23, 2001: Message edited by: knight?mare ]</p>

tHANKS so much for all of your replies.. I actually got mad about all the stuff I found out. I guess I misunderstood radical honesty somewhat... but I thought the affair was over, and I also thought it was alot less than I have found out... he has been hiding more than I thought--<p>He was tormentful last night... he was drinking I thinkk.... this is when more of the ugly truth comes out. Or slips out of his mean mouth.<p>I really do not like hearing about sf with the OP. I really do not like hearing the details. It makes me madder to find out he did more than i thought he did... he has been lying to cover things up, and make me fill better, and be a cakeman and have it all,<p>He says he loves me the most, but has a hard time shutting her out...etc... he says he appreciates me being there as a good friend now, etc.<p>He even says the two of them are the ssame... two people in bad marriages,... friends who are even soul mates- BOY WHAT DID I MARRY?<p>I am starting to think I have absolutely had it., believe me keeping calm and talking to him abouty this CRPA was hard... and he got meaner on the phone last night... well, he had already told me about it.<p>I even found out... that he went to counseling with the OW>>> and they told the counselor that they are in LOve, counselor told my H that he is walking on quicksand...<p>Well, I would appreciate some radical honesty with recovery, it is hard as Christmas is right here, and also hard because--
my H is about to get a large sum of cash... and therefore I was hoping for him to come home and bring us back to life with it... it is severance pay frm losing his job... about 37K--- and being an alcoholic, a chronic liar, etc. etc. ME AND THE BOYS, he has thus far promised 12k to... well, I must say that is a lot better than nothing, but I hate to see all that money go south.<p>ANyway... the rad honesty... do you ever talk about this crap... I never heard aobut his sex antics with his past lovers before me, before??? I just think he is losing it...I think he is sooo deep in the fog... and the alcohol... he does not know right from wrong.<p>I finally hung up on him last night... when he started saying over and over he wanted me over for sf, and wouldn't I come over? IT was late, and he was drinking.. He sd, i am fun, I am best he has ever had in that dept. , etc... I sd... well, you are not meeting my needs, and I am tired of sf, without you home and being here for me... so when you decide to get her out of your life forever, and come home and be good to me, we can have sf... I just can'[t do it anymore.<p>I know sex equals love for men.. but this is not what I want my relationship based on. I am really tired of meeting his needs... plan a will go to friendship only now... no sf in this honey's life for ws!<p>ANyway... he kept calling, and I kept not answering, guess he got the message.. he probably was sorry... but I do not need to be his sex kitten wife while he has other women too. NO WAY JOSE< That is not plan a.<p>thanks bramble rose, and everyone else out there.. IT IS HARD for me to decide not to give him the sf he wants from me, because it brings him closer, but it hurts me. I do not like being part of a sex situation that involves OP.. I am afraid of the dieseases she could be carrying...<p>I do not like to meet his needs continually while mine are not being met.. I did enjoy some sf with him... and that is where all this intimate conversation started about OW... I guess my morbid mind wanted the details... well, I still want the details.. but with a firm committment from him it is over... not ok, if you don't come give me sf, then maybe she will? HE EVEN SD THAT TO ME<THAT is when I hung up.<p>I APPRECIATEW YOU people out there.. sorry I am going through this confusion right now.. more advice on rad. honesty appreciated. DO YOU EVER LISTEN TO THE DETAILS OF THE OW AND AND YOUR WS??? I guess only if it is over.<p>thanks again.<p>THanks, honey <p> [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]