I was wondering how to handle a NC letter to my wife's OM when there is no contact (which I believe to be the case). Let's assume for a moment that the A is dead, what end does such a missive serve? Right now I'm torn with the thoughts that an NC letter at this point would be wholly self serving.

Looking for guidance, please. Thanks in advance.

Is there a way to find out if the A is or is not dead?

Hi W,

There are a number of reasons for NC letter. Best way to understand it would be to read that part of SAA again, or do it here on the site.

I'm not clear if this is a joint thing, where she writes it, and you both review and send, or if you are trying to get her to do it, or if you are trying to figure out how to approach it so she understands it will really help, and not just a demand from you to make you feel better.

Note that making you feel better should be important to her if real recovery is going to occur, so you bringing it up should not be an LB the way we usually consider LB's. HOWEVER, the WS often has a hard time understanding the NC letter when they feel the A has died already.

Perhaps a good way would be to explain that you have been reading stuff to help you get over it, and be a better H and you would like her to read it "so she can help you get over things."
Then get her to read SAA and talk to her about it. It has worked for many others.

Really, part of the reason for the letter is to get you where you need and want to be, it helps you trust her, and makes some big deposits for you in the Love Bank. Another part is so OM won't say ( in a few months) "I wonder how ( insert name) is doing, I should give her a call."

If that happens, it usually re-sets the whole process of recovery for both of you.

Also she is less likely to contact him if she has told him she never wants to see him, or hear from him ever again.

SAA explains it lots bettter, and would help both of you more than my short writing, I recommend you read it agian.

SS

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I could ask. But it's not yet time for that.

Dear Whippit:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NC letter at this point would be wholly self serving.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what it's about isn't?

If you think the A is over,
If you think there is NC,
If you think there isn't going to C ever,
If they don't work together,
If they live in another state,
If they don't see each other socially,

...then have her write the letter and give it to you as a goodwill gesture.
If any of the above aren't true, then mail that NC letter.
JMHO,
DB

Thank you UC, SS and DB. This is exactly what I seek. I'm a bit too methodical and contemplative sometimes.