My children are 10 and 7. My wife wants to tell them after my daughters 7th birthday (1 Week). What do you tell them? How do you tell them?

She's very determined to leave, she says she will wait a while to file for divorce, but I don't know.

I'm lost on this one, can anyone give me some advise?

I told my wife we would sit down together and tell them (girls just turned 8 & 13). I did all the talking, she didn't have much to say. Told them mom was moving to the other side of the country to decide if she wanted to be married.

A few weeks later, after I found out she was living with wankstain, I told the girls mom fell in love with someone else and had moved in with him and didn't know what she was going to do. Then I told them I would NEVER leave them!

This was 4 years ago after 19 years married. She has seen the girls twice in those 4 years and has only talked with them once in the last year. We've been divorced over a year now & she doesn't know it. I have only spoken to her for about 3 minutes in the last 2 years.

Chris,
I cannot imagine how hard that must have been, or what you went through. For the life of me I cannot understand how someone can just run away from their family. Not so much their spouse, but their children. My wife says the kids are the most important thing in her life, but she doesn't show it; sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to end up in your shoes.

Dear TM:
Not speaking from personal experience but just from gut instinct, I guess.

As hard as it will be, please don't let the kids blame your W or badmouth your W. I think that would set up a scene where they might feel bad for mom and take her side. So just be loving and supporting. Sometimes kids are so surprising and can give you support when you need it.

On another note, who is getting the kids?
DB

DB,
I know what you mean about letting the kids blame one parent or another. In my case my parents divorced after 20 years. If it had happened any time before then I would have blamed my dad, he was a JERK. But when he changed and started being nicer my mom divorced him. I blamed her, still do I guess.

Custody? We've talked about it. She isn't moving far away, within 10 miles. She wants to share custody and work around each of our schedules with work and school. I'm not really sure how this will work. She is working nights right now, 3-4 nights a week, with school 2 nights a week. That only leaves 1-2 days per week for her to have the kids.

She says the kids are the most important thing in her life, but her actions speak otherwise. Honestly, when she leaves I see her having them for a while, then I think I will have them 90% of the time. She enjoys going out too much. Maybe I'm wrong, I hope so.

In my situation I told my daughters that living with their mom was very painful for me because she no longer loved me or liked me.I didn't feel that it was necessary to force feed them the gory details of their mom's outrageously slut behavior. If they ask me for said information I certainly won't shy away from doing so BUT I will definetely NOT use it as an excuse to bitterly vent and attack their mother.I refuse to be another source of pain for them (one is way more than enough).

As hard as it will be, please don't let the kids blame your W or badmouth your W.
Au contraire. You ABSLOUTELY let the kids speak their mind about what happens. It is their life, it is their mother and you should NOT stifle their feelings about anything. If they start getting very rude about it, yes tell them to chill down, but let them know it is okay to express their feelings to you.

I think that would set up a scene where they might feel bad for mom and take her side.
I'm confused? If they are bad mouthing their mom, how they gonna feel sorry for her?

Now YOU should not bad mouth your wife to/in front of the kids. You shouldn't try to explain it all away either. Just tell them she made a decision and you didn't want her to leave. Don't try to keep their relationship all rosy if mom isn't doing anything. Don't keep telling them mom loves them. That is her job. Besides, you don't know she does (you just assume it.)

So just be loving and supporting.
Absolutely!

Sometimes kids are so surprising and can give you support when you need it.
DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR KIDS FOR SUPPORT!!!

It's okay to let them see you sad and bummed sometimes. It shows them it is okay to have feelings AND to be able to express them. However, don't let them be your support. It is hard enough to do all this without screwing up your kids. Lots of times, the kids at home feel like they are a replacement for the parent which left. Absolutely the worst thing you could do to them!

If they ask me for said information I certainly won't shy away from doing so BUT I will definetely NOT use it as an excuse to bitterly vent and attack their mother.
But you can tell them what happened in a way which is not chopping down mom. Just the facts ma'am, just the facts.

I told my daughters that living with their mom was very painful for me because she no longer loved me or liked me.
If their is an affair going on, then I think you owe it to the kids to let them know what is going on. Give them the info at a level appropriate to their age, of course.
To say you just aren't in love anymore shows the kids it's okay to leave/divorce if your feelings aren't there right now. I believe you should tell them WHY the love isn't there.

I told my kids I wanted to stay married but mom hasn't said anything about it or even talk to me much. After about 2.5 years, my oldest, then 15, told me if I took my wife back, she would be mad at me. When I told them I was divorcing her, they both jumped up & down (happily) & said, "let me tell her!!" Sorry, it's my job.

The point is, kids need to understand (at least a little) of what happened. Remember how YOU felt before you actually found out? Like you were crazy. They feel the same way. and to know it was not their fault and that you love them.

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>