jabez24
Junior Member
Member # 25163
I reposted this here from Just Found Out to General Question ll. posted January 25, 2003 07:00 PM
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My wife and I have read His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters and I have done the 5 Steps to Romantic Love workbook.
My wife and I are at a place where she doesnt know if she wants to be in the marriage. I have suggested we get with an older couple in our church and ask them to moderate/facilitate as my wife and I go through the various Questionaires and Principles from Dr.Harley. My wife seems positive to this idea.
A question keeps popping up in my head regarding if we will even be able to get out of the "starting blocks" due to a pattern of behavior/possibly a yet undiagnosed disorder she show signs of (note: I am not diagnosing her as such but she shows strong signs of it based on my study and 7 years of marriage). The condition I speak of is Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD).
I have just completed reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which deals with the issue of BPD and how a spouse as myself can learn to cope with this condition or its like behavior. It has been of great help to me in learning to better manage myself in the midst of my wifes behavior which includes Distortion campaigns against me, continual blame of me as the whole problem ,high level angry outbursts, and the typical behavior of a BPD.
My question is whether or not we will be able to take a realistic and mutual inventory of our marriage when I am working with a spouse who sees ME as the ONLY problem in the marriage and is unable to examine this marriage as a mutual problem caused by us both.
Are there any folks out there who relate to this question I raise? Will the Questionaires and Principles taught by Dr.Harley have effect in the face of major blame shifting and one person not quite at a place of wanting to take mutual responsibility?
I come from a committed Christian perspective and value relevant input, but I am open to hearing any sound perspective as I realize that all truth is Gods'truth. Thanks. Jabez24
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Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2003 | IP: Logged |
cerri
Member
Member # 9574
posted January 25, 2003 10:46 PM
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My husband also exhibited nearly all the symptoms of BPD. I read the same book, BTW. I talked to Harley about this at the seminar last summmer.
His response is that those kinds of behaviors are habits that can change, and that although having a "personality disorder" can make marriage and appropriate behavior more difficult, it's no excuse. I agree.
I know that sounds like tough love, but I suffered through years of abuse. When I finally said "no more" in a way that was non-negotiable (I changed the locks and sent a Plan B letter) he made changes immediately.
He spent a good 40 years terrorizing everyone around him to get what he wanted, until someone (me) made it abundantly clear that that method was no longer going to work. Then his seeming inabilty to behave and interact appropriately evaporated. He got counselling, did a lot of reading, and most importantly made and put into effect plans for changing those behaviors.
Is your wife BPD? Perhaps. Does that mean some things will be more difficult, and that there are triggers to be aware of and avoid? Yep. Does it excuse bad behavior? Never.
Having said all that, I wonder if what you are dealing with is a very deep case of withdrawal? If your wife is seeing YOU as the cause of the problems in the marriage, then that is her perspective. She may have been hurting long before you noticed anything was amiss.
I would listen very carefully to the things she is telling you. It is invaluable information about how your actions have affected her. Only with that knowledge can you begin to make changes that might bring her out of withdrawal.
You cannot force her to see things from your point of view. Nor can you force her to take responsibilty. But you can lead by example. Listen, validate, make adjustments in those areas where she is expressing hurt or discomfort. Do only those things that both of you are enthusiastic about at the same time.
Tell her explicitly that from this point onward, you will not make a decision or take any action that does not have her wholehearted support. And then live by that. (Just remember to not go the other way and do things that you find objectionable.... all choices must be good for both of you at the same time.)
My guess would be if you can do those things, and eliminate any demands, disrespect (I see some in your post), or anger... that you will find she is far more willing to take on the responsibilty that you are seeking.
Best to you,
Cerri
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"Those who say they cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement are really saying what they want to do is more important than how you (their spouse) feels."
....Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.
"You cannot be in love with someone whom you fear."
....Penny R.Tupy Lifeworks Coaching Services
Plan A is a NEGOTIATING strategy to separate the spouse from the Lover. Avoid the mistake of falling into the fallacy of unconditional love.
Every one of us has the right to set out the conditions under which the relationship can continue! This includes Care as well as Protection, and is ESSENTIAL for Recovery.
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Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP: Logged |
jabez24
Junior Member
Member # 25163
posted January 26, 2003 04:11 PM
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Cerri,
Thank you for your input. I will take to heart those things you mention.
I would like to put out another question as I have been trying to process the Policy of Joint Agreement. It sounds like you might be a bit further down the road in terms of this.
An issue I know that bugs my wife to no end is that I am a part of a mens recovery group, as I am in a recovery program from addiction issues in my life. I am 2 years sober from sexually addictive behaviors. And my staying out of high risk behavior depends on me being a part of this ongoing recovery group and all that it entails(making calls, working The Steps, time away from home to be at meetings). My wife is not happy with this. I realize in view of the Joint Policy of Agreement it is strong wording for me to say I must do this- for me and for the marriage.
Can you give me some insight into this dilemma I have with the Joint Policy?
Its not quite like whether she disagrees with me about which grocery store to go to. My sanity and staying out of trouble is dependent on my continuation in growth and recovery in a program that is the only thing by the grace of God that has worked to keep me sober.
Thanks.
I look forward to hearing from anyone who might have input on this. Jabez24
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Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2003 | IP: Logged |
cerri
Member
Member # 9574
posted January 26, 2003 05:24 PM
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You might say I'm a bit farther down the road.... I'm a marriage coach and an MB intern coach (finished the lessons and now doing the couples work.... which really I've been doing on my own for quite a while.)
I specialize in infidelity, and within that my particular field of interest is sexual addiction. I'm doing research on that subject with both addicts and their families. If you have any interest in being interviewed, go to my site
www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com and send me an email. I'd love to have your input.
Now about POJA, yes... saying you MUST is a demand. And, as you know that is a no-no
However, I'm sure that your goals... to be sober and responsible...are the same. So, I have a hard time believing that there is no option that would work well for both you and your wife at the same time.
Also, considering that this is an issue in your marriage, it certainly gives credence to my thought that she is in deep w/d due to the pain she has suffered. And that may be the primary reason she doesn't want to cooperate in any attempts to restore your marriage.
Do you know why she has issues with you being gone to the meetings etc? That would be essential information in negotiation!
Alrighty then.... the children seem to want dinner and it appears there is a game or something on tonight Four boys and one hubby.... I can't escape the football curse!!!
I'll try to check in on you tomorrow, but if I don't get back here, feel free to email me. I'm always there. info@lifeworks-coaching.net
C
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"Those who say they cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement are really saying what they want to do is more important than how you (their spouse) feels."
....Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD.
"You cannot be in love with someone whom you fear."
....Penny R.Tupy Lifeworks Coaching Services
Plan A is a NEGOTIATING strategy to separate the spouse from the Lover. Avoid the mistake of falling into the fallacy of unconditional love.
Every one of us has the right to set out the conditions under which the relationship can continue! This includes Care as well as Protection, and is ESSENTIAL for Recovery.
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