This has to be the rottenest Valentine I have ever had. I was with my H this afternoon, we went out for lunch, but knowing he is going to be with the OW tonight and sleeping with her is so darn hard. I gave him ulimatums to either stop living with her or he will never see me again or talk to me, but it didn't work. I gave him until today, but he went to her after we went out for lunch and I hate it anymore. I am still his wife and she is just the OW whom he is living with. He has no ties to her, so why won't he break it off? It hurts so bad. So who else is having a rotten Valentine's Day this year?

Me, too.

Nothing like a little D-Day action on V-Day.

I'm so sorry this is happening.
Time to set some clear boundaries?? Is it plan B time??

Joining the group. If I was in your shoes, I would start the plan B. He should not take you to lunch, his wife, then leave and go to his sexual pleasure. This is so unthoughtful and uncaring. So if I was you I would plan B.

Your husband is so much in the FFFOOGG<<<<.... that he doesn't know which way the signs are going.

If I was there, I would give you a hug, and let you cry. Lord, is this your power that we all are suffering like this, on a day of love and loving actions. There is a reason, show us something to make today easier, and get this day over with as soon as possible. Thank you Lord.

Goldie said : "Why won't he break it off?"

He's convinced you give ultimatums and don't follow through, that's why. You're weak, he knows it, and this way he gets to have 2 women after him. Drama, fun, and he's the center of the universe.

Want to stop sending the message that you are weak?

I am with you. My H gave me 12 beautiful red roses and a card and then left for the airport to fly to see OW. He is staying there till Sunday. She was here last weekend, he went there this weekend and next weekend she is flying here with kids. My husband is very romantic and he always made Valentine's very special, this is the worst Valantine's ever. I have posted about it, and got advice not to go to Plan B. I am thinking about sending him that letter, but after receiving advice from K, am not sure. He just called me that he's there and he got a speeding ticked, so he is in a bad mood. Well good.

I am in the same situation as you. (Read my earlier post). My H is also living with OW and we too had lunch today, then home he went to her. I know just how you feel. I have been too afraid to give ultimatums, I just keep picking up the crumbs he throws me. But I have to say, I have been getting more and more crumbs lately (attempt at humor). I think it's true, they are happy to have the attention of 2 women. I too have been thinking about initiating Plan B, but I know I can't do it yet. For me, the hardest part is that he is living with her, which I am sure you understand. At least if he was still at home, we would have more opportunity to talk or try to work things out. It also really upsets me how he protects her. I have even been thinking about letting her know he is still seeing me. I am sorry for your pain, and I can truely understand what it is. Maybe we can be a support for each other since we seem to be at the same place in our lives. Take care!

Misia .... try this .... take your baby girl, and leave the house for the weekend. Go someplace where H can't reach you. If you can afford it, go to a motel. If not, go to a girlfriend's or a sibling's house.

Spend the weekend doing whatever it takes for you to relax and be pampered. Let WH call you and be frustrated that you are not available. Do not answer your cell phone. Be mysterious and out of his reach for the entire weekend.

Leave the flowers on the counter at home, and don't put them in water. Make sure you are not home until after your H returns. After H arrives home, wait for at least 1-2 hours, and then meander home ...happy as a clam and looking relaxed and pleased with yourself.

When he presses you where you were ..... babble babble babble .... and do not directly answer his question. Ask him a babble question back instead ... like: "How do you like my new lipstick?"

You need to make this guy nervous.

Do NOT LB by asking him where he was or what he did. Bite your lip with your inquiries. Let HIM be the one with all the questions. Smile. Be loving. Be distracted doing other things for yourself.

Trust me .......

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I can only agree with Pepper. He knows he has you. He has to think he is losing you. Don’t give ultimatums unless you are ready to follow through and prepared to the worst.

About 7-8 years ago, my H met OW when our second child was about 4 months old. He moved out when he was about 6 months old. Within a couple of months, they were living together. H and I were not M yet, but I felt we were a family, and she was the OW. I tried everything to try to get him to work it out begged, cried, tried to be the loving fiancé I used to be, nothing worked. Things seemed like they were getting better, you know, getting more crumbs thrown my way. Since no progress was being made, after about 6 months, I had decided it was time to move on with my life. When H left me, we were living in his mom’s duplex. She never told me to leave after H left. I felt that if I was going to get on with my life, I had to move. So, I started to look for an apartment. H was doing all he could to discourage me. It did not work. I found one, asked him to help me move into it, since he had a truck. I was also taking his furniture with me, so I wanted him to be the one moving it, incase if got damaged. Anyway, H did not like the idea of me moving. He even commented on how I was getting on with my life and didn’t need him. I told him, that I tried to get you to come back, you didn’t want to, it was obvious to me that you had no interest in making our R, work, so it is time for me to move on. Next thing I know, H is over almost everynight. My sister was at a wedding that OW was invited to, H was her date. My sister called me and said he looked so uncomfortable, and everytime she would try to make any physical move like they were involved, he would shrug her off. (This I found to be rather amusing.). I asked him about it. He said they were both invited and decided to go together. My comment was “Oh really”. “ And you didn’t think to ask me. After all, if there is nothing between you two, there is no reason why you cannot take your girlfriend , mother of your children to a wedding. “ He hates my “Oh, Really”, he knows I don’t believe a word he says. The mistake I made when I took him back was we never resolved the issue of OW and how our R, got to the point where he allowed her in our lives. Because of that, I think they had started back up again, at some point in our M. So, I found MB. I think it is over now with them. When the time is right, we will resolve this issue one way or another. If I didn’t have other issues taking priority, I would settle it now. There will never be another OW in my M again. If there is, locks are changed and he can find a new place to live.

Do not make ultimatums, or make plans to move out with the hopes of scaring him. You have to be ready to move on. If you do it as a scare tactic, it could backfire. However, there is no reason why you cannot give him something to think about.

today was very hard. very hard to even come to this site. i am having a hard tearful day. him and the OW (ex best friend) are going out to dinner. woooooo weeeee.

God i am missing him.

Wow! I really feel for all of you. I am in the same boat, but I have finally come to the place where I won't let him treat me like that anymore. And believe me it has taken forever to get there. I asked my H. the same questions? why can't you stop? If you say you still care for me why can't you try with me? After being with someone for so long you think it would mean something but to them, not as much as their own selfishness.
Don't feel bad if you can't do plan b yet or limit contact, it is hard. It just got to be too much for me, all the lies and him stringing me along. He gave me a card for my b-day and it was to my wife etc, I threw it away. Then the next week it was our anniversary and he was feeling sorry for himself because I didn't want a card from him. and today the same thing-"well,I won't get you a card cause I know you wouldn't take it" I said, what would it mean when you'll be out with her and sleeping in her bed? No more crumbs for me thank you. I went out with friends and am going out tomorrow too. Sometimes we just have to back off to show them we respect ourselves, even if they apparently don't. My H. OW doesn't know anything either and he is really afraid I might go to her and tell her. What a lot of nerve! She doesn't know anything about the first OW or his ONS in the summer before he met her either, but she'll find out things soon enough. Sometimes people fool themselves and she doesn't have any reason yet to not trust him.

Well, I made out a bit better but there were some hurts. He did give me a beautiful card saying all the things we want to hear, and said he meant them.
I had asked over a week ago if he made any special plans for tonight. He said be surprised. Well, I was. He had planned on taking me to dinner at a place just a bit nicer than a coffee shop! A cafe. I was so hurt that he would not make it special in a romantic way, some place with ambience such as I'm sure he took her to since they stayed in 5 star hotels and finest dinning.
I proceeded to just take steaks out to thaw and told him I'd make my own dinner. That if that was all the value he put on me, that it reflected his feelings toward me which showed not romantic of wanting a sweetheart type evening. Then he proceeds to call around to the nice places where we could dine and dance, and of course all booked up! last minute it would be and it's not like the date snuck up on any of us.
I was not angry, but hurt to the core that he could not put effort for me as he once did her. Making plans weeks in advance, even months! to be sure she had the best.
I then went out and bought myself three bouquets of flowers. Which he had said be surprised that I would be getting them days before. Obviously, if a florist was delivering, it was way too late in the day. So i bought my own. While I was gone he went out and came home with lovely roses from the grocery store!
So if anyone thinks I was getting more than you gals, think again. It was totally a screw up and all it showed me is he doesn't think I'm valued enough to plan or treat special.
We are now going tomorrow night to special place that has some class. And I will dress to the nines. But it won't be the same as if he'd done this for me ahead of time and made sure it was tonight. And not my idea that I had to get from pitching a crying jag.
You know what I mean? What good is it if he doesn't think of me in the special light he thought of her. I can assure all, had it been a date for her, he'd have made sure he had reservations at a classy place, flowers delivered and he'd have been all bubbling over with romance and anticipation.
From now on, when it's a special occasion such as my birthday or anniversary, I will make the plans myself and go alone if need be, But I'll have something special for myself. making sure I am not coffee shop fair which I am not! She was the beer type while I'm champagne!
So gals, if they treat us like crap, grab the checkbook and go shopping. Buy sexy things for you, buy perfume and flowers and even cards for yourself. And go to a nice hotel, not some dump and live it up. If the OW can be spent on, why the hell should we care if we bankrupt them?
if it's good enough for the OW, it's going to be double for me.
Happy Valentines girls. Make our own!
LouLou

P.S. for those of you whose WH are spending every weekend with OW in nice hotels, cottages, Bed and Breakfast inns and paying for the slut to fly in every weekend, isn't it time you tookt he same amount of money and booked every weekend too? make sure it has day spas too so you can get the works. Facials, pedicures, manicures, massages. I'd be damned if the OW would get the money each week while I sat home. I'd be spending equal until we had to file bankruptcy if need be and let him blame me. Then I'd throw the cost of the slut up in his face and make him eat it! Receipts and all!
their little weekends are costing plenty and feeding their kids too? Give me a break pulllllleeeeeeeeezzeeeeeee.
Watch what they take out for fun, watch credit cards and take an equal amount each time. Then let him wonder why he can't pay the bills and tell him maybe it's because his slut is using up our assets!
Do not let them think they are entitled to take it all while you sit home to save money!
I used to budget, The year he flew twice to Fl to see her and stay at best and eat expensively, cocktails, shopping, etc. I was dying in 110 hear here trying to cut our A/C bill.Because he had said we needed to budget! Of course, she had A/C hotels, pools, spas and comfort. Never again! I will never stay in a budget motel or hotel again as long as I live. Nor eat a coffee shop meal on special occasions. If he thinks he can't afford me, then I'll find someone who can!Seems the OW get all the best while we eat dirt. maybe we'd be more attractive if we were the sluts and they had to pay to get us in bed? Not think they own us and we owe it while they toss us a bone.Mu butt is better than the OWs anyday of the week! She isn't equal to my little finger.
And he can go until her runs out of money with OW and she can dump his A--.
I am the most deserving of the best we can afford. And you are too!
LouLou

Part of the reason for Plan B is that most of the time the OW meets certain EN's of the WS,,,,,,but his WIFE meets others,,,,by taking yourself AWAY from him with NO CONTACT, you take away his fulfillment of the EN's that you USED to meet,,,,he is then forced to have the OW meet those needs,,,,most of the time they CAN'T and the relationship fails. (almost ALL A's end within MONTHS). If you hang around too long, you make it VERY COMFIE for the WS to have his cake and eat it too, and that DOESNT add up to change. I did a version of Plan B after 9 years of "sort of" Plan Aing,,,I wish I had seen this site BEFORE I did it, but what the heck, it still worked, and it was essentially the same,,,,,although I did have SOME contact with my husband (mostly about the children), we WERE 500 miles away, so essentially, he got not ONE EN met by me. Literally DAYS after I left, he was begging me to come home,,,,good thing i found MB because when I DO go home next week, I have steps to take to heal my marriage.,,,best of luck, Holly

LadyLou,

Recovery, especially early recovery, is very hard. Expectations and comparing yourself to the OW will get you nowhere fast.

Our recovery started in July, so we had a few months under our belts when Valentines day rolled around, and it was still very lowkey, neither of us felt like making a huge big deal out of it.

I think you might be better off talking about this anger and resentment over on Recovery where some of the wise ladies there can help you.

Your situation is much different than these ladies with active affairs going on in their faces.

errn, email me at goldielocks109@msn.com, maybe we can give each other support and advice and help each other out.

Bramblerose, you are right. I should have been over on recovery. Sorry if anyone was hurt by my comments. Sometimes it seems like recovery and other times not. But Thank God the A is not ongoing.
I understand the pain for those here who are still in that situation.
May each of you find next Valentine's day you are in the recovery stages. And over on the other side of board.
God bless and be with you, LouLou