I received an e-mail from husband. Cause the other day, Saturday, he brought over a stack of invoices to file. I have been asking them since the beginning of January 2003. These are invoices that need to be filed, in choronoligical date order. Then I need to tally all the invoices from A-Z. Husband is giving me one week to do this. Cause he has an appt. with our accountant.

Here is part of his e-mail.

I do not understand why you must refer to me as a liar all the time. I simply expressed a reasonable need for you to tell me you would, or would not, assist with the paperwork for the taxes. I amde no demands, and gave you a week to do a couple hours worth of work. Instaead you argue with me, belittle me, disrespect me, talk about my deficinet character. I am not your punching bag, why will you not treat me with respect. The conversation was about one simple reasonable issue...yet you seem to hink you can use the conversation opportunities we have to beat on me. That is not okay, and only isures I will stay away from you, if that is what you want, just say so plz, instead of trashing me, and driving me away. In the meantime I am doing the best I can to separate our lives so you will not have to suffer my presence. I wish I could do that without your cooperation, but I can't. So in the meatime I wish you would help, I have been working 7 days a week for months, you benefit a great deal from this. You do almost nothing to help, answer phones a few hours a week, I am killing myself out here and you can do is give me a hard time. I am beginning to seriously regeret being a responsible person, I get nothing for it.

Now, this is what happened. As I stated earlier, I have been asking for the papers beginning of January. Also, he told my lawyer and his lawyer that I had all the papers. I told my lawyer, I don't. I said, look in the files for yourself. All I mentioned when SNL brought these over was, I said I will try. He wanted a committment from me that I will get them done. I said, I will try, but if I find that I am having a hard time getting them done, then maybe you will have to help. I also, pointed out to his that I asked for them earlier, in January. Then I pointed out to him, that he lied to my lawyer and his lawyer about me having the invoices, which I didn't, as seen in his e-mail. Also, he didn't give me the one company, that I have been asking for a long time, and that is WaterEdge Apts. He has them all, took them out of the file, and will not give them to me. He asked why I needed them, and I said to give to my lawyer. I still haven't got them.

I basically said that he lied to his lawyer and me. Which is the truth, cause I didn't have the invoices, and now I have most of them. Was there anything wrong with that? Then the reasonable need is he said he needed a committment. I said I would try, but that was not acceptable. I will try, and I am going to try. I could not make a committment that I will get the paperwork done. Cause I don't know if I can. I started today, spending about 2 hours sorting them out, and pulling the perforated edges off. Then tomorrow I will date in chronological order. After I do my physical therapy, and counseling. Then tomorrow night I have a meeting to go to. But I will try. He states he made no demands, and gave me a week to do a couple hours worth of work. I would of liked to get started a month ago. As far as a couple of hours, I have already put forth a couple of hours today. His statement is not correct, and I know it takes a heck of a lot longer to do them than 2 hours.

Last year he did them himself. I know how he did them, cause there was no total for each wholesaler for the end of the year. He used the paperwork the year before. I remember him calling me, I was in Georgia, and he asking me where some things were. Then he said he did it all in 3 hours. But he had to call me a couple of times to find where this was or that. I put a total in the file after Dec. for that year. And then I put a total on a paper for the year of that wholesaler. I made things quite easy for our tax accountant. And there was no way that he did it in 3 hours. It is not on the computer, which I wanted to put on the computer a couple of years ago. A neighbor was going to help me, cause their farming business is on the computer. And it is so easy to tally at the end of the season.

As far as treating with respect. I said I would cooperate. I also stated that I have things to do for myself. I am putting myself first before anyone now. That is what is making me a more valuable person, and a better person. As far as staying away from me, that is his choice. I told him that I would like to do things together, but that is his choice. So there is no debate in that statement. He has the proof, and I did give him a card for valentines day. A card that stated my heart. He states that he is doing the best he can to separate our lives so you will not have to suffer my presense. He wishes he could do that without my cooperation, but he can't. Well, he could but he doesn't want to. I see a man that is loosing a good wife, a good mate, a good mother, and a good companion.

His presence is okay, and there is no need for him to say anything about being present and hurting me. Yes he has been working hard. I don't deny that. That is why I did wash his clothes, a few times, and clean his ears a few times, and he has eaten here many times.

Then he states I do almost nothing to help, answer phones a few hours a week. Well, that is a little disrespectful. I do my job here. I clean, take care of many animals that have been left here. I take care of sons schedule, and my schedule of rehealing. I take care of getting his mother in a good mood. Just like her eviction notice. Myself and her packed many boxes Sunday, and the boys took them to her storage unit. I talked to her today, and we laughed a little. I told her about church yesterday, and maybe she will go with me sometime. I take his mother into my heart, like I take him into my heart, and my kids. But you know who is being put first now, at least for now, ME, I need to get ME better before I can help others. So when the time comes for church and counseling and physical therapy, that is of utmost importance.

Then he states he is killing himself out there working and all I do is give him a hard time. He is working hard, it is hard work for a man of his age. He is overweight, but losing, which is good. He finds time to go to the gym everyday, for himself. He finds time to go to the grocery store almost daily. I have offered to help, and wrote to him recently, that if he wants his clothes washed, that he was more than welcome to bring them over, and mention the ones that needed to be mended. But for me to do much of anything else, I am just surviving here, and I am responding with a lot of pain in my shoulder, and still needing to see a specialist for my neck. I would like to see which shoes he would like to be in. Suffering pain since April 2002, with surgery and pain after surgery, and pain still now. Not able to do things, like work on paperwork very long, computer very long. I went to my mothers for a little bit yesterday, and I had my head bent over to work on a jigsaw puzzle, and I got so sick. I had to lay down, and put a cold pack on my head, and was dizzy for about 20 minutes. Found I can't have my head in that position. I mentioned that to my phsysical therapist today, and she wrote it down to give to my Dr. and said I have something very wrong with my neck.

Then the last statement husband wrote was he is beginning to seriously regret being a responsible person, he gets nothing for it. This statement was basically to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him. I do, but he has done what he has done. I can't change his feelings. If he feels this way, he needs to change his feelings. I am doing what I can on my end. If it is not enough for him, then maybe he needs to hire someone. I am trying my best, but I need to rest and if he would realize that pain on a daily basis tires one out, to the point that I need to take a nap. Like today, I shoveled, the driveway, my daughter and I. Only reason was cause the snow was light and fluffy. I felt it later, and our daughter and I were talking and I fell asleep on her on the couch. She asked if I was okay, and I told her that pain wipes me out. I need to nap almost every afternoon. I said I was sorry. But I can't help it.

She told me to go to bed. I said as long as I am up I am okay. After dinner, a friend of mine called, and I was laying on the couch, and I fell asleep on her. She yelled, and I said, sorry, but I fell asleep. I told her I am wiped out, and my back is in pain, and I am so sore.

But for him to move, eat, do paperwork, read, sleep, get out of bed, get up from a chair, etc. is easy for him. I have a hard time doing most anything, that involves moving the back and neck. I would much rather be in his shoes than mine. I would like to see him settle for what I have been dealing with since April 2002.

My husband is a good man, a good hard working guy, and a loveable bear. I am a good wife a good hard working woman and a loveable puppy. Thank you husband for listening here. Thank you.

I don't see this as an unreasonable request at all. He is trying to get your paperwork together so he can get your taxes done. Why give him a hard time over that? And I can see why he feels pushed away if you call him a liar and constantly berate him. Making a huge deal over every little thing and making disrespectful judgements will surely push him away and discourage him from being responsible to you.

Most people would run from constant disrespectful judgements and it doesn't seem like he can do anything right. Maybe the goal IS to push him away; if so, it sure seems to be working. If I were him, I would probably just give up and only do the bare minimum of what I was absolutely legally enforced to do.

Melody Lane - did you get the post right? I said I would try, but I could not make a committment. Maybe that is all I should of said, but was it okay for him to keep pressuring me to give him a committment. He got angry when I said I would try, but I couldn't give him a committment. I couldn't, cause I don't know if I can do this job, which I have asked for many weeks ago to receive the papers, by the specific time he gave me.

So basically, I should of not said antyhing about him lieing to my lawyers and his lawyers about me having the papers. SNL I am sorry for saying anything about lieing.

How would you have handled it then? Knowing that I asked for the papers a while back. Knowing it takes more than 2 hours to get this job done. Feeling the pressure from him. And these papers he has had since end of Dec. cause these are the papers from all last year.

One of the things I feel about his e-mail is, do what I want, when I want, and how I want. No regard to saying nicely, 'I would love it', 'It would be wonderful if you could try to get these done', 'If you feel you can't get these done in time, maybe I can help'. No comments of that sort. Just do it, make a committment to him, and if I can't, screw me.

Melody Lane, you seem to criticize me in most of your posts. And you seem to sit in SNL path with him. And I would like your honesty in answering these questions I have stated. Where was the compassion, and earnest heart filled words to his wife? I didn't see any. And he knows when one talks rudely to another, the other goes on defense. I only went on defense to say that I could not make a committment. But of course, when I stated that, he went into his demeaning me. Do you see where there is a bit of control on his part? Or do I just see it?

I don't berate him constantly. As for the actual facts, his last e-mail before this one he as been calling me CRAZY MAKER. Before he called me the F*cking B*tch, and now CRAZY MAKER. Ask him what words I call him. I don't, cause that is not what God wants. I tell him I don't like his actions, I do think he needs counseling. I do believe he is in a MLC. But I do tell him I love him, and care very deeply about him. I tell him his family cares about him, his kids care about him, and his mother and brother do care about him. In his e-mails. He doesn't say he loves me, or cares about me. I don't see where he states that my family cares about me, my kids care about me. I know they do, and if he doesn't say it, that is okay too. AS you can see from the e-mail I typed above. I find his e-mail demeaning, and trying to get me down, and spirel into a downward sprial.

But it is not going to work this time. There are a few here that know why, and many around my home that know why. My kids know why, cause they have seen a change in me. A good change, and a loving change. I love life, I love God, I love my hsuband, I love my children, I love my family, I love my MIL, and I love my church, I love being alive.

There is so much in this world that is wonderful, and my pain is severe at times, and I try to make the most of it. But I decided, if I need to nap, I will nap. My husband just will have to understand that pain takes a lot out of a human. And if I can't answer the phone, that is the way it is.

But my kids are wonderful, and I enjoy them, and am going to have a grand weekend with them.

If you could possibly answer the ?'s, I would appreciate it. Just wondering why you don't seem to find my husbands posts in his past demeaning to his wife, me. Maybe you don't care for me, which is okay. We don't like everyone we get in contact with. But I would like an honest question. I am okay with myself. And I know I am becoming a better person. Not perfect, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes the rest of our lives.

Faith,
I don't know that his posts are the issue here. I don't see them as anymore demeaning than yours. You asked what I thought about his request and I gave you my opinion. I just wonder why you ask and ask for this paperwork and then when he gives it to you, you complain and love bust him. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. You then say it takes 2 hours to do the work yet you give him a hard time when he asks you to do the work in a week. It just seems deliberately uncooperative and manipulative to me.

It just seems to me that there is a clear cause and effect at work here. He is reacting how any person would react when they are constantly bombarded with disrespectful judgments by moving farther and farther away.

And I am curious about why you could not make a committment to do a 2 hour job in a weeks time. What was the reason for that?

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. This is beside the point, but since you brought it up, I will tell you that I have always liked you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Melody Lane - I see my typing is confusing. The 2 hour status of time was made by my husband not by me. I have done this paperwork for many years, MANY. The time it takes me to do the work is usually a good 15-20 hours. The demand was by husband, that I could have it done in 2 hours. Not by me. That is why I am asking if this was an unreasonable demand? I make lists, and also, why I am talling up the end of the year, I also, make a new manila folder for the next year to put invoices in for that year taxes per each wholesaler. Plus, I do other things to have the files in a good, color order. I use variation of color, the artist in me.

I see that I should quote the statements made by my husband. I am not really good at using the computer yet. Getting better, but I have a long way to go with expressing myself on the computer.

As far as criticizing. I feel I didn't criticize until he demanded a committment. That is where my husband wanted me right then to make a committment that I could have it done in a week. My defense mechanism went up, a wall. I state back to him if you would of given me the papers back when I asked for them. I also stated that you lied to the lawyers about me having the papers. Which I guess I tried to show him 'gotcha', cause he was handing me the exact papers that he told my lawyers I already had. Error on my part, I am learning, and I am sorry to my husband. Will tell him tomorrow.

This is part of the listening technique. I listened, and I really wanted to reply when he asked with a positive answer. But when a demand of committment by my husband came out, and then he got mad when I couldn't commit, I of course went into the defense. Which was not right. And I am sorry for this statement of telling him that he lied to his/my lawyers. That was a GOTCHA. And I will tell him I am sorry tomorrow.

For reasons that I want to see a change in myself. I am writing my statement back to my husband in a thoughtful, caring manner for my viewing only, to myself only. To see where I could of been more thoughtful and precise.

This does not excuse my husband for his chosen words. That is his decision to change if he wants to.

You made a point, and I see what you are trying to say now. Thank you for your advice, and like I said, I am learning and your comment was much needed for me to see what I did. Also, thank you for saying you liked me. Your point of view was needed and I see where I could of made my statement in a more thoughtful & kind wording. Great work on your part. Thanks!

Faith4,

I also have concerns about your interactions with your husband.
I am concerned about the constant power struggling that occurs over he said she said and he did she did type of stuff...as well the host of mixed messages sent out about how you feel about him....

All of these concerns stem from my fear that they set you up in known conflict and crisis with him...and that the damage to you can become out of fear that even negative attention from him is better than no attention from him...
But is it??...

Negative attention, interactions, conflict, impede healing and breed animosity to its fullist...animosity breeds revenge and passive aggressive behavior in getting back at those that hurt us...

Now those are powerful words and I am NOT saying they apply to you personally all the time but they can be what occurs to all of us when locked in power struggles.

And you and he can really power struggle at times...to the point that the struggle becomes the focus and the issue at hand is totally lost.

I agree with Melody that you would have saved YOU a lot of pain and energy if you took the invoices thanked him for them and when questioned if you would have them done in a week said...I will try my hardest.

I would love to though talk about the mixed messages you are sending...

Faith you talk of him calling you an F--- B--- and crazy maker...and instead of cutting contact and immediately removing yourself from his presence or deleting and ignoring his email...you power struggle over the whole name calling issue with him...trying to make your point that you never call him names....avioding the whole disrepectful act in the first place...

And to make it even more confusing you are doing this MANS laundry.....(visualize me banging my head on the wall here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
You are doing the laundry of a man who calls you names....does that make any sense at all ????

I don't believe you should do anything like that for him...things for the job that is necessary is OK...but laundry and cooking and all that other fluff...I don't think you should...I don't think that you Faith are in a position emotionally in which you can do those tasks without feeling some type of superiority or resentment for them...and there for it makes those tasks just more weapons to be used against him and you....and this is and will always be about YOU YOU YOU....

There is little logic in doing the laundry of someone who calls you names....even in the realm of Plan A...the first goal is to protect and empower yourself to become the type of person who does not tolerate such disrespect...as well as not dish it out....

I think the more you remove yourself from the power struggles..the more you do for yourself not out of spite but out of learning to care for you...the more you get to know yourself again the stronger you will become...quit relating every action movement and interaction of yours into some type of comparison towards your husband....

he will feel what he feels
he will do what he does
he will act as acts
he will say what he says

none of that is yours to concern yourself over and none of that can you change...
distance your thoughts and actions from him and you will be better off...

Faith this post is for you...and if it hurts you I am sorry....It is just hard to see you get hurt again and again over what you let into your world...

peace to you and your home
ark

Faith4me,

I have never posted to you before but felt the urge to do so today.

First off, hon, have you read the section on this website about lovebusters? A lovebuster is anything that your HUSBAND would find demeaning, offensive, etc... You don't determine what a lovebuster is, he does. You have the difficult job of figuring out that. And believe me, it's not easy.

When your H brought all of the paperwork to you, you could have just smiled and said "Thank you". If he went into a tyrade about you committing to a week, let him. Let him be the one to lose control. You have to keep control of your emotions.

Believe me, I know how hard this is. With my ex, I wanted to scream at him everytime I saw oo spoke to him. I still want to sometimes. But after 3 years, I still haven't. Any conversation we have, he yells and screams and I keep calm and stay in control. Trust me though, it would be much easier to bring up everything wrong he's ever done, and I would probably feel really good about doing it. But that good feeling would only last a while. I feel much better knowing that I can be the better person. I don't have to resort to name calling and screaming.

This doesn't mean that I let him walk all over me, cause I don't. Usually our conversations are very short on the phone. I say what needs to be said, listen to his side and then if he can't stop screaming, I hang up. I do not let him verbally abuse me anymore. When he wants to act like an adult, I will talk to him more.

Please reread the Lovebusters section. It's hard to do but I think it would make things easier for you.

Good luck.
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>Melody Lane - I see my typing is confusing. The 2 hour status of time was made by my husband not by me. I have done this paperwork for many years, MANY. The time it takes me to do the work is usually a good 15-20 hours. The demand was by husband, that I could have it done in 2 hours. Not by me. That is why I am asking if this was an unreasonable demand? I make lists, and also, why I am talling up the end of the year, I also, make a new manila folder for the next year to put invoices in for that year taxes per each wholesaler. Plus, I do other things to have the files in a good, color order. I use variation of color, the artist in me.

!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Faith,
What kind of things could you do to make it faster and get that paperwork out to him? I imagine he got frustrated because he has an appointment in a week with the CPA and because of that, NEEDS your committment to have it ready. Instead, you use that need as an opportunity to punish him. I am sure he doesn't relish having to ask you for anything for this reason.

I don't sense here that you conveyed to him that you were willing to do everything you could to get it ready. He probably thought he was being thoughtful of you by making the appointment a week out and you, instead, get mad at him for it.

I wanted to also comment on the name he called you, "crazymaker." HE was not calling you crazy, but saying you MAKE HIM crazy. There is a big difference. If he is saying you make him crazy, I would suggest finding out what you are doing that makes him feel that way and changing it. If he feels you make him crazy, it will only serve to push him away. I don't think you want that. What are you doing that makes him "crazy?"

Faith,
once again you are using this forum to send messages to SNL.

People have different "love languages" Faith. i can see very clearly what yours are. I can also see you demonstrating to SNL what you want and expect from him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> . But I do tell him I love him, and care very deeply about him. I tell him his family cares about him, his kids care about him, and his mother and brother do care about him. In his e-mails. He doesn't say he loves me, or cares about me. I don't see where he states that my family cares about me, my kids care about me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't have to say those things to you Faith. You are divorcing.

Stop looking to SNL to fulfill your emotional needs.

There is also a saying out there
"Lack of Planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". She has been asking him since January for these items.

There is more I would like to say, but I will say to Faith later when I have some time privately. Faith, things are very busy for me right now, but I do think of you often and hope things are getting better.

If he is not paying you for your services in the way of office work, why do you do it. Is it his business or both of yours business? Is your name on the business? If not, then I would not do it. My H wanted to start a business and expected me to give up my free time to run it. I told him, forget it. The only way I would do it, we had to own it jointly. He refused. I knew my H to know, I would be doing most of the work.

Hi Faith4me,

I see that you posted another e-mail from your H. Hm...... look, we both know that your H is going to find something wrong with you no matter what you do or say. Of course he is reading this and I am sure that I will probably irk him again!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The point here Faith4me, you need to give him less to say.... difuse his anger...... how???

Try just taking his stuff and DON'T communicate with him. He brings over work, do it ...... in your time and fashion...... why? Because you aren't communicating. If he wants you to do it, then do it you just don't have to say how. Of course you want the business to succeed and you can't without the efforts of both.

So you have to look past his childish ways and do it for the business and your family. If he says 2 hours and it actually takes 15, then do it in 15. He grumbles, then bundle it up and return it to him .....the next time he comes. No talk, just leave it with the stuff he picks up. Let him grumble (you might consider ear plugs or headset listening to calming sounds/music.

Another thing.... NO MORE laundry or meals or special treats..... NO MORE terms of endearment ANYWHERE. He does not deserve any one of those.

Your H needs to get to the point where he can no longer bully you. This may mean a bit of a rough ride since right now he thinks he is doing you a favor. Mine thought so also...... as long as the OW (in my case) was feeding him lines and he didn't have it hard (by his standards not mine), then it didn't matter how difficult he made it for me. You getting this? Until it was a problem for him, my WS continued to heap more and more problems for me. Seems like I was given no relief...... this angered me until I found a way to fight back...... and quite well. It wasn't so much verbal (WS can be tone deaf sometimes - Right SNL?)...... as much as it was by action.

In my case, I chose to use the tax season and put the burden on the Ws to file. That didn't take long....... he knew, OW knew that if I didn't do the paperwork, nothing would get done....... I even told the WS to go get his 'helpful' OW to bail his but out. Oh no..... he wouldn't think of it.... but I reminded him how great she was suppose to be and then showed my angry side and demanded that she be 'that great'. Of course she wasn't and I knew it, just wanted to make my point and I sure did.

See they knew I was better than what I was being made out to be...... to finally hear them admit it was music to my ears. But I did it by action, not words.

Think about this.
take care,
L.

Faith,

You have got to stop thinking he is going to treat you with respect, kindness or anything else. Once you let this go, maybe you will stop reacting to everything in anger. Don't expect anything from him, and then you are disappointed.

As far as the respect, I would like it, any human would like it. But once again, I shouldn't expect it, cause it is not going to happen. For the last week, I see myself working for me, and only me. The seminar I went to tonight was for me. I am going to another seminar next Monday. I am attending counseling for me. I am attending First step group sessions, for me. I feel with these sessions, I am becoming a stronger person.

To do the business papers, I will try, and if I don't get it done, I will do what you all are saying. Say, I gave it my best, and if it is not complete, I will say I am sorry, but I tried. Here is what I didn't finish, as I hand the pile to him.

Crazy, is his word of saying, whatever I do makes him crazy. He has made this abundantly clear. No need for him to call me a CRAZY MAKER, why doesn't he just express in comforting words, with politeness, that if you would express your concerns this way or that way, I could understand.

I did express to him how I would of liked to have him make a statement to me one day last week. And he listened, at least he seemed to have listened. Part of listening, is to repeat what you heard. And I was waiting to hear if he heard me, nothing was said, so I assume he understood. I didn't bother to go any further, cause of the anger issues.

We both haven't spoken very much in the last 3 days to each other. I am dealing with his mother, and her depression. With her getting her eviction notice Friday. She has to go to court March 3 for eviction. I assume that my husband will go with his mother, to comfort and be supportive for her. We have our issues with the divorce my husband wants, and our court date is coming up for finalization of the divorce. Which should make my husband quite happy.

There is so much to deal with, his mother getting her things out of the house, before they evict her and throw her things out on the lawn. Getting things out of the garage on her property, that are ours as well as hers. Having salvage rights to the house and property. So MIL is having to find someone to take siding off the house, and etc, fencing, beams, etc. Moving all that stuff. Getting her someplace to live for temporary purposes. Getting her house done where husband is living, so she can move into her house. Getting this house done, mold issue to take care of here, we are expecting a great amount of snow to fall again this weekend. We have plenty of snow now. The kids shoveled, twice yesterdya, and once this morning.

Today, I had a rough day, I had my oldest daughter take me to the doctor, cause I was so dizzy. I canceled my masso. appt, and counseling. Daughter took me to the person working on my neck and back until I see the neck specialist. I couldn't drive myself, was up from 3am with pain and dizzy. I saw the Dr. and my neck was spasm, and the right side of my face. I told her my eye felt like it was going to buldge out of the socket. She massaged, cracked, manipulated, and boy what a relief. Once again, it started this afternoon, after my nap, and I had to do the massage exercises on my face, check, neck, and back. It helped some, and I applied ice and took a anti-spsasm pill. Once again, now it is getting sore again. You know, when I get this out of it, and dizzy and painful, life is hard to deal with, and hard to handle. I was doing good, and want to keep on doing good. But I am feeling kind of funky now. Just like to heck with everything, and forget it. But I am fighting to hold on to everything and lets see what tomorrow brings.

As far as husband caring, nope, not once did he ask me today how I am doing. Not once did he care that I had to have my oldest daughter take me to the Dr. That is what hurts. Cause I still care about him, and still ask how he is doing. I see he has a hard time breathing, he has allergies, and it bothers me that he suffers so much with nasal congestion. But that is the difference between someone who shows compassion, and one who doesn't. Bye for now, drugs are kicking in, took an extra 1/2 pain med. Need to sleep tonight, since last night was terrible. Waiting for my new pillow to come in. Ordered off the internet, husband is paying for it, thank you husband, and can't wait. Physical therapist said it should help me with sleeping. It is the NASA material by tempo-pedic. And this is the new Mellinimum pillow for side/back sleeping. Goodnight, am getting drosys.

Well, another day went by. Guess what, I got the wholesalers done. It took me most of today to get it done. But it is done. All for the 2 hours. Was more like 15 hours, like I said before. I did some yesterday, and finished today.

This should make SNL very happy. No more critical remarks to be made, about not getting things done on time. Anyways, I did take a nap today. I fall asleep during the day quite a bit, might be the pain, and might be just depression.

My doctor yesteday, said there might have to be surgery on my neck. She found yesterday that my head was spasms on the right side, and my jaw. My neck was swollen, and the left side of my neck was hard.

His demands, are control, I know, he knows. I will just take it and shove it under the rug. No need to comment, cause he just gets angry. More control for the WS, and the BS just has to accept it. Or we can just say, okay, and let it be. That is what I have done most of today. Just yep, and move on.

I did quite a bit today, feels good, and also, knowing that husband will be happy, makes me feel good. He can't complain now.

Faith,

You are the bigger person for getting it done and not using it as a weapon to get back at SNL. Good job. Sorry about your neck, hope it improves.

Well, I did the job, and I was upstairs, and SNL came in, I came down to show SNL the manilla folder that the tax stuff was done in. All he could say was I saw it. I find out he didn't even look inside. And I showed him later, that I did the wholesalers, and prescriptions, I wrote a note on a piece of paper, that he has the telephone bills. He said he needed the Dr.s bills, I said you have them. I said, you have the cell phone bills, he has most of the paperwork, but won't look or what I don't know. But I think he only looks if I don't have it. You know what, I hate this attitude of his. He manipulated me with wanting me to make a committment last Saturday, and got angry with me for not making a committment, and I didn't even get a thankyou today. I asked for a thankyou, and it was like oh well, thankyou. You talk about someone manipulating me, and then don't even have the courtesy to say thankyou, was just unreasonable.

I did call him a few minutes ago, to say what about the check our son needs for the trip. Son asked him while he was here. Oh yes, I didn't invite him to eat, but he helped himself to the leftovers. No thank you for the food either. So I called to ask about the check, and he said write a check out of our joint account, and he will put money in tomorrow.

Then I asked if there was anything else he needed for taxes. And I stated that I won't sign the papers until I approve of them. I will not be trusting him, like I did all these years. And then get screwed.

Anyways, it hurts, he doesn't care about me, doesn't really ask or care, and I know all of you said he doesn't care. But you know what it hurts. I wanted to ask him if he watched Dr. PHil. Cause then he could see the deceit of that woman, and the hurt she caused a family. Then he could see what a woman betrayer looks like. This was a hurtful day, and by God, I wish he would just kill me. If he hates me so GOD d*mn much, just kill me you *%@#?!.

He sits here, like he is the head of this household, which he is no longer. He is a betrayer, and he seems to no longer want to be in this family. I can't take this much longer. I copied quite a few papers that my husband wanted, and I am keeping copies for my files.

I feel it would of been quite a bit easier for all of us, if he would of just left when he had sex with the other woman and said he divorced me with this act. Then life would of been easier, and when Jennifer Harley told him to get out of the house that night for good. Why oh why did I allow him to stay, when he said he wasn't ready to leave. God I hate this scene. I hate this time, I hate my husbands actions. He doesn't love me, and that hurts.

Feeling better this morning. Just needed to vent, and get this off my chest. I know my wayward spouse is very selfish, and controlling. But I am not going to let him get me down, maybe today. I have my group therapy for battered wives tonight. Just wrote till about 2am in my journal last night. Husband is an irrational man, he can help it if he wants, but right now he is not wanting help. So that is his selfishness, which is causing great distress to this family. He once was a good man, a good family man. But he was always a controlling man. That is where he needs some psychological help. I had a # for him to call to get into the 12step anger program, which was on the christian program I listen to, but once again he is perfect, and said no!

God is seeing this man, seeing what he is doing, an knowing what he is doing, he will get his dues in time. This man needs to show remorse, and ask God for forgiveness.

It still hurts, that he said we should of said that my shoulder injury was caused by a car accident, he stated that to me yesterday. Then he said the car insurance would of covered everything. With my seeing a specialist on the 25 for neck and spine injury, I might have to have an MRI. At least that is what the other chiropractor/dr. said Wed. She stated that there is something wrong, can feel 1st & 5th vertebrae out, and my dizziness, and spasm on the right side of my face, she does not like.

I don't want to cause my husband to get overstressed with the medical bills. But I know of no way to get proper treatment without seeing this specialist, and I also, want my credit cleared when the divorce is over. My husband has a bad habit of refusing to pay medical bills. Which at this time we have many medical bills unpaid, and collections calling everyweek. He wants national health insurance. Yeah, Canada has it, and look what is happening to their older generation. I am not for national health. But who am I, not one for political evaluation.

At least my part of the income tax stuff is done. For now, I hope. Will see by the end of this week, if he comes up with anything else.

Just wish he would not control and manipulate me with wanting a committment. And talking in a nice fashion, with thoughtful words, and expressions.

He should look in the mirror when he is talking to me. He has a ugly look on his face, and if he had darts in his eyes, he would of killed me a long time ago. If I ever saw hate in a man, this man hates me. He is selfish, and caring for himself, which is good. But he also, embedded his sperm into me, and they united with an egg. To produce 5 embryos, and 4 surviving children. But like many wayward spouses, this is not committment, it is spreading their DNA. Therefore he could just spread his DNA to anyone, and he wouldn't care. Sad, to think this is his theory. To think that he doesn't care how many children he has in the world. Where is the compassion, empathy, understanding, and fatherhood? I was not raised this way, and I will not treat my kids this way. I am a parent to 4 beautiful offspring. Yes, I made my committment. I beared 9 heavy months with each pregnancy. Beared many many hours of contractions for the baby to emerge into this world. What did he do, a 2 minute job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> It seems, being a man is easier, and who is the one who gets the job in the end of keeping the kids together, and cooking for them, and helping them. The moms. At least the kids can count on one parent, the ones that they lived in warmth, soothing amionic fluid, nourishment, hearing the voice of their home, and knowing that this human was experiencing pain (by hearing and pressure) for the time to experience the outside world.

I am thinking of writing a book. A beginners reader book for children. On adulterous feelings of children, and their emotions. Talked to my counselor about this, and he said it was a great idea. He wants to see the paperwork for his feelings, and then I can find a publisher, and send the copy in. I want to do my own sketching, if possible. If not, I know someone who would like to help, and that way she can get a piece of the pie too.

Faith,

I hope you are feeling better this morning. And I also hope that you aren't confronting SNL with all this neverending blame and recrimination. That will be a class A lovebuster that will send him running in the opposite direction. You will continue to set yourself up for disappointment if you don''t accept him how he is. You set these arbitrary standards for SNL ["he didn't even say thank you," etc] and then get angry when he doesn't live up to them. Stop setting yourself up for this and accept him how he is.

He is not required to live up to your standards. The only result is that you are disappointed and he feels lovebusted. This just pushes him away. Trying to manipulate him with guilt hasn't worked in the past and it won't work now.

Also, I wasn't aware that SNL was a wife beater. I knew of one situation where he pushed you out of his room resulting in shoulder damage. Has he been beating you up all along? That then begs the question, why in the world would you even LET a wife beater come into your house? Be around your children? How can you say that a wife beater is a "good man?" Why aren't you therefore, jumping for joy at your upcoming divorce?

If he truly IS a wife beater, your children are certainly not safe around him and I would suggest getting a restraining order and buying a handgun. You have a responsibility to protect yourself.

oh my goodness, recommending buying a handgun in this situation is akin to tossing a lighted stick of dynamite in the air and hoping it doesn't land on anybody. Faith a gun is the last thing you need. I think you shouold print your posts and take them to your counselor. all this talk of dying and killing isn't right and adding a gun to the mix is just plain dangerous.