WH met w/a mutual friend who (was sad to tell me) told me that he said for me to not be optimistic, he is not coming back to me. He said he has been miserable the whole time. The whole marriage. That OW--ex bf makes him so happy.

I am awaiting my LB book and Surviving the Affair books in the mail. Are they gonna be worthless for me now.

Hubby wants me to agree to a uncontested divorce.

I am feeling very very weak right now. Not weak as in cant move, but in myself.

Need help, support. Kuljey@aol.com. Thanks so much to who responds.

kuljey,

I haven't been exactly where you are.

My W had an affair, but never moved in with OM. I don't know how people survive that. It was painful enough as it was.

However, I do know that what your H says now, may not be what he ends up saying in the end. I'm not saying you have to, but if you can manage to work through the pain to be patient, you may still save your marriage.

My W wanted the quick divorce too at one point. My advice may not be any good. I stalled at first, then at another time, said "Ok, let's go do it." to which she replied that she didn't want it anymore.

To stall or not to stall, that is the question.

You might stall either by saying "no, I won't agree to divorce" or by saying "Ok we can divorce", but then dragging it out. Either way, you give him time to think - time for his relationship with OW to go sour - time to miss his child.

On the other hand, if you say, cheerfully, "Great! Let's get going!" and start pushing the D, he might be the one who starts to stall. This is a strategic question better considered by the "experts" - and if you can afford the unbelievable $185/session, you might set up some sessions with one of the Harleys.

I'm not willing to take responsibility for saying which is the best way to go.

I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that what he is saying now is not neccesarily his last word on the subject.

-AD

He has been "miserable" for your whole marriage ..... seven years????

Bullllllcrap alarm ### .... FOG FOG FOG

If he was miserable since 1996 and did not take action before this .... then he's an idiot .... and I doubt he's an idiot, but foggy in affair la-la-land.

If you don't want to divorce, then don't make divorce simple, fast and easy for him.

He needs to earn his way out of this marriage .... and he hasn't even begun.

Hold strong.

(sorry if I sound harsh .... I'm running on adrenalin today)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
[QB]
Bullllllcrap alarm ### .... FOG FOG FOG

If he was miserable since 1996 and did not take action before this .... then he's an idiot .... and I doubt he's an idiot, but foggy in affair la-la-land.

If you don't want to divorce, then don't make divorce simple, fast and easy for him.

He needs to earn his way out of this marriage .... and he hasn't even begun.

QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is very interesting, tell me more. explain. lala land???? how can i NOT make it fast? and how does he earn his way out of the marriage.

the EX BF is 22, he is 34. WHen i found out 1st about A he said it was just good sex. Now he is in LUV, gonna get married, have more kids!

Hello kuljey -- I don't know your whole story, but want to reinforce what AD has posted to you regarding the strong possibility that this is not the final word.

Many, many BS are told the same thing and time changes the mind of the WH or WW. I think the two most common phrases out of the mouths of wayward spouses to the betrayed spouses have to be: a) the whole marriage was bad from the start and b) I love you but I'm no longer in love with you. In many cases, that changes and the WS cannot remember even saying such a thing.

It is more than likely that your WH is confused and does not have any kind of definitive idea in his head about what he wants.

I would continue plan A and if he raises it again (the I want a D), tell him ok and don't say anything else. Let him do all the hard work. I think it's WAT on this forum that always tells people not to file for a D they don't want.

"I would continue plan A and if he raises it again (the I want a D), tell him ok and don't say anything else. Let him do all the hard work. I think it's WAT on this forum that always tells people not to file for a D they don't want"

i sware sware sware, i do not get plan a. i just ordered Love Busters book and Surviving the Affair. Even now will they be helpful!?!!!!!!!

If you still love him, don't give up hope. I was in your position. WH said same things to me. He moved in with OW, but it fizzled pretty fast. He told me he didn't love me, loved her, never was happy in our 15 yr. marriage, the only thing I was good for was sex, was gonna spend the rest of his life with her, blah blah blah. Turns out ALL FOG. Fast forward year and a half later we are still together. e me if you want to talk, I've been there. t.l.rea@worldnet.att.net

i sware sware sware, i do not get plan a.
What Are Plan A and Plan B?
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

What don't you get exactly?

i just ordered Love Busters book and Surviving the Affair. Even now will they be helpful!?!!!!!!!
Absolutely. Even if it does end in divorce, these books will help you in ANY relationship. But don't give up yet.

I am there right now, my H moved out Christmas night and then I found out he was living with her. He said whatever he is doing I brought it on. Then he treats me like his gf and his gf like his wife. Right now he is not talking to me at all because I told his gf we were meeting each other and going out. Maybe we can exchange notes too email me at goldielocks109@msn.com

Well I thought my H was never coming back either- he told me our 15 yr marriage was over in his head before the A, that he was out of love with me but in love with OW, that counseling wouldnt help and that our marriage was hopeless. He then moved out for 2 mo and lived at OW's place. I was completely devastated and believed him. However- every time he talked about filing for D I told him that I was against it on moral and spiritual grounds, that it would be harmful to our children and that I would NEVER agree to it. Though he didn't seem affected by that I found out later that he was.I followed Plan A and B even though it seemed futile at the time. Read the Harley books- they explain how soulmate type affairs run their course.Another excellent book for you right now would be Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. My H DID file for D after a few months after D-day but then he seemed to suddenly WAKE UP and realize what he was truly doing. I think he was very much badly influenced by OW in terms of his thinking and reasoning. I say it ain't over till the fat lady sings. We're still together 2 yrs later and OW has moved to another state. Take care- lifeismessy

i like your posts. feels like it gives me some hope! but, he says over and over, he is not coming back. when we talk about the kids (they have been sick) he is either nice and says thanks for calling, or is a jerk. he is usually nice. and that gives me this hope.

but he said, he is not coming back. SHE MAKES HIM HAPPY. 22 yr old ow. His father said, she makes him very happy. His mom said to stay w/her if she makes him happy. His dad has said he doesnt agree w/his living situation. WH said he has been miserable the whole time w/me. His father says, see yvonne, he has been unhappy this whole time.

WHY ME!

yvonne,

Plan A is finding out what made him unhappy and stop doing those things. What did you DO that made him unhappy? He says he has been miserable and that is probably half fogtalk, but there must be a grain of truth to it. Did you love bust him? What did you do that made him unhappy? The idea is to become the person that he fell in love with and to STOP doing the things that destroyed that love.

This is by no means the end of the road. He is saying things that most people say when they are in an affair. And they often come back when the thrill of the affair wears off if there IS someplace to come back TO.

Don't discuss this with his parents. They are only believing what he tells them. She is just a kid, and most relationships from A's don't last. Right now, he is in partyland and I'm free.

Don't give up until it is over. Read the books, even if you own M does not work, the books will help you get through this time.

I never called when the kids were sick unless they were sick with something serious. My feelings were, if he really cared he would be here. Before my H and I married, we split up after our second was born (OW was the cause). He stopped by, and one of the kids had the flu. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him. I said, you don't live her, so it does not concern you. I will tell you if they are seriously ill. You don't need to concern yourself with this. He responded they are my kids. Well, my next response, was probably an LB, but I did not care. I was more interested in hitting below the belt, and I am good at that. (might explain why we are where we are today).

i am losing it! today he called to see if the 10 yr old who is WH's is going to soccer practice. i said i am not sure. its cold out. he said, well, does she want to do something. i said, i am not sure, she is not back from school. it was like 11am. then wh said, and the 5 yr old is still sick. i barely got out the words i am going to take her to the doc....he said, oh thats ok, i will try to see the 10 yr old sometime this weekend, maybe after army drill, for a few hours. he sounded like he was happy they "couldnt" go.

so i ask, do u have plans.... BIG MISTAKE!!!!

he starts talking to me like a buddy. oh yea, they are having a party for chaz (this dj that had moved away that he is friends with) at bananna joes (a younger adult hang out.) we NEVER went to these types of bars! he is not a drinker. so he said, me and ow are going to this party..etc etc. i hung up, cried and cried. he called back. i said no i didnt hang up. he heard me crying. he said, look i am sorry you are sick, but want out of the marriage. i am sick of you. oh yea, and at the beginning, when he first called i was just getting off the phone leaving a msg for my doc for anti depressents. so i told him what i was leaving a msg about, he asked. he was all OH.

see, when i read your alls posts about dont give up, they sometimes come back...i get hope up and then he is sooooo mean, yelling at me, telling me how he wants out, wants the OW...

Kuljey,

the choice to want to be married or not belongs to you. If you want to be married then decide to do it if you dont then dont waste anymore of your time its to painful.

i just wanted to express to you what truth i hear in your WH's words..

I was miserable the Whole marriage!! was it my wifes fault? NO!!! i was an idiot as someone so aptly put it.. because i didnt have a clue how to care for myself, how to be a "Man", how to live comfortably in my own skin i allowed our marriage to be a very damaging place for me. and as it was damaging for me it was very pleasing for my wife, why wouldnt it be, she had all the power, all the control it was always how she wanted it.... yet i know she never had a real man.

while i never moved in with OW, i was definatly at a place where no matter what happened it would be better for me, and better for my boys. (note i didnt say best!) I hated my wife, i wanted her to hurt to feel what it felt like to feel worthless, they way i percieved she treated me. turns out thats how i was acting as though i was/am worthless how else could she have treated me?

none of that was clear to me all i knew was how i felt so hurt so preyed upon. I hear you describe the anger in your H, and i can tell you that the opposite of love is not hate, its apathy, the absense of feeling.

that he has anger means something, i means he still cares about what happenes between you and he. but i think it also means he is mad at you, and you havent found out why yet.

can you image that in his mind there is something he thinks is so destructive to either you or himself that he is more willing to be having an Affair than tell it to you?

I Can! this isnt about the OW its not that she is so Great, its that you are so great that he cannot stand the mirror you represent the fact that he showed you how to treat him, and now that you have he is mad, sad, and afraid that its true.

the choice belongs to me? but WH left. he said he wants a DIVORCE. how can i control it. he is in control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chazbutler:
<strong>Kuljey,

the choice to want to be married or not belongs to you. If you want to be married then decide to do it if you dont then dont waste anymore of your time its to painful.

.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Kuljey,

Please don't give up. It took me a long time to fully awaken from my 'fog', but by then it was too late for my now exH I remember the entire A having misgivings about the A, and deep regret, but feeling very confused about what to do. I had a perverse sense of loyalty to OM, too, for helping tear up his marriage.

LIfe is messy said on your thread: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H DID file for D after a few months after D-day but then he seemed to suddenly WAKE UP and realize what he was truly doing. I think he was very much badly influenced by OW in terms of his thinking and reasoning. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember, as LIfe also said, "It's not over til the fat lady sings."

Please take care of yourself, continue Plan A, and do your best to remember that your husband will most likely come out of this 'fog'. (I believe that for most wayward spouses it's like an addiction. It certaimly was like one in my case, from what I know about addictions!)

H_P

the choice belongs to me? but WH left. he said he wants a DIVORCE. how can i control it. he is in control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chazbutler:
<strong>Kuljey,

the choice to want to be married or not belongs to you. If you want to be married then decide to do it if you dont then dont waste anymore of your time its to painful.

.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kuljey:
<strong>the choice belongs to me? but WH left. he said he wants a DIVORCE. how can i control it. he is in control.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he is not in control of you, your mind, your soul.

the choice, the decision to accept a divorce is all up to you.

you can choose to want the marriage, or choose to not want the marriage. that is your choice.

just know that just as his choice is impacting you, your choice will impact him. the question is, what will your influence be?

[/qb][/QUOTE]


just know that just as his choice is impacting you, your choice will impact him. the question is, what will your influence be?[/QB][/QUOTE]

i really want to understand that part. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE.