Today makes 1 month since my WW moved out of our apt. Since that day, I've seen her for a total of ½ hour when she came by to pick up more clothes. (She also came by the apt. another time or 2 while I was at work to get things.. she still has her key). She stayed with her parents for 5 days, then moved in with OM.. Still living with him.

We've talked on the phone MAYBE a dozen times since she walked out. I've sent cards/letters to her work from time to time. She's called me 2 times out of all our phone calls, the rest have been me persuing her.

Also, she's cut communication with her parents.. Her mom made it CLEAR she would NOT call a strangers apartment looking for her daughter. My WW doesn't want to call her mom either, so they communicate about as often as I do with my WW. My MIL and FIL have met with my WW for dinner in town once. They were supposed to meet again last night for dinner, but my MIL spent all day crying and upset, knew she'd do even more of that if she went to dinner, so she didn't go. My FIL met with my WW for dinner alone.

Basically, my WW has cut communications with most everyone who was important in her life to a bare minimum. Is there any way to open these lines back up? My MIL keeps asking me for advice on what to do, and I don't have a clue what to say. I know that I have to sit and wait for the A to end. My MIL feels like she can't have any sort of relationship with my WW while she's living with OM.. (MIL is verrry religious)

I think that if they would talk again, it would help. Right now, WW has only OM to communicate with. Although another part of me says that all that stress on WW & OM's relationship HAS to be a good thing. The A was discovered at their office a couple of weeks ago, so that had to start the stress.. Also, my WW's closest female friend @ work quit on Monday, so now she's definatly got only OM to talk with. Another thing, one of the switchboard operators quit last week, so my WW has been staying late of nights covering the switchboard until someone can be hired.

Extra work..
Little communication with family..
Best Gal-Pal from work quits..
Nothing but OM to turn to..

Do these sound like things in my favor?

I've been plan A'ing ever since I learned about MB (found this place the day I found out she moved in with OM). I really want more communication with my WW.. Since we began dating 6½ years ago, we never spent more than 5 days apart. Now, I've barely seen her at all this month, and phone calls are a 1-2 time per week deal. I miss her like crazy, and would love to just see her again.

I believe she keeps all communication to a minimum because it makes her feel guilty. Talking to me or her parents, she usually seems to feel soo guilty, and upset that everyone won't just accept her new relationship with OM. She also gets angry because her mom and I talk daily. We've been eachother's greatest support through this. She thinks we're teaming up on her. Do I have to cut communication with my MIL? So far, she's where I have got all the information on my WW and OM.. (MIL is the one who told me WW moved in with OM.. WW didn't ever mention it, even after living with him for a week).

When she walked out, I didn't ever think it would last this long.. I figured she'd be back within a few days. Now I worry she may never come back.

Any advice appreciated.
Your prayers appreciated above all else.

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: JohnnyB ]</small>

Hi JohnnyB,

Yes, this sounds like "good" news to me... It sounds like your WW and the OM will soon start getting a taste of "life" and the "specialness" of the A will start to fade.

I wouldn't cut communications with your MIL... so what if your WW thinks that you are your MIL are ganging up on her... She's the one that walked out of the M and moved in with the OM.

My FWW never moved out, so I can only guess as to the pain that you're feeling right now. But IMHO, I think that you are doing the right thing by continuing to Plan A her and let the A die a natural death. Eventually, your WW will wake up and realize what she has lost.

Hang in there!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I too agree with RIF90 in that this IS good news for you. Nothing like the good old daily stresses of reality to inject a toxic dose to a fantasy like an A. In the meantime, try to keep yourself occupied with positive and life enriching activities (going out with friends and family to a ball game, reading more about relationships and spiritualy inspirational books, taking a short trip to the wilderness, etc.) to keep you from obsessing about your WW. Sure it's tough, but you will become better and stronger as a person, while she will become sad and regretful about what she has done. She can talk a good game to others to justify what she did, but she can not do the same to herself during those quiet and solitary moments in her life.

2MuchCoffeeMan:

Thanks for the reply. I have been staying busy (6 visits to the gym per week). I've built a pretty good library on relationship recovery and affairs (Including 4 of Dr. Harley's books). And I spend a bit of time praying each day.

RIF90:

I had been struggling with the decision of cutting contact with my MIL. I fear that talking to her is a LB towards my WW. But then again, if not for my MIL I'd probably still think my WW was living with them. She's open and tells me anything she finds out about the situation, and I likewise do the same with her. We both want my WW to come home and give our marriage one more shot.

Your MIL has the same goal that you desire... so IMHO, you should cultivate that relationship and not worry a bit about it being a LB to your W.

If you haven't read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, it's a great book on healing from an A.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90:

UPS just dropped off that book along with a few others this morning from Amazon.com ^_^ I began reading it during my lunch break today.

I've read so far:
Harley: Surviving An Affair
Harley: His Needs/Her Needs
Rosen: Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage

I have currently to read/reading:
Abrhams: After the Affair
Harley: Love Busters
Harley: Fall In Love, Stay In Love
Carder: Torn Assunder

Thanks for your advice on the MIL issue. I do believe I'll keep our communication lines open. I sincerly hope we can all work through this together.

JohnnyB:

One of my favorites, that is unfairly poo poo'ed here more often than not is unconditional love, probably because it's misunderstood. A good book about ulove is "The Truth About Relationships" by Greg Baer. It's not about As at all, and it's the only subject my W and I have been able to discuss together. She's put off by all the A books, and it's been almost 14 months since D-day and she never left.

Another good book about M is "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch (I'm never sure about that spelling!).

Good to hear you're doing your homework!!

-Qfwfq

Getting intelligence and support through your MIL is all fine. But there is a cost - further LBing effect on wife.

I would distance yourself from your MIL - at least from her point of view. Don't bring it up with your WW or just say, "She seems ok. We didn't talk much" blah blah blah. What's the point of portraying a "ganging up" appearance? Anyway, downplay as much as you can and takes the steps needed so that you're comfortable doing it.

Since MIL isn't even talking to WW, I don't see much intel benefit from more talking anyway.

I'm not saying cut MIL off, but you are married to your W and if you want to open up the communication, throwing your relationship with MIL in her face (purposefully or not) has a cost to consider.

While we're at it, consider getting your MIL to drop the self-righteous pride religious thing and be a little more open to her daughter. No one likes a Pharisee. I asked my MIL not to tell my W to do anything in the usual worrying mother sort of way, because I knew that just turned my W off big-time. W noticed it and appreciated it when she found out. Note: I'm exagerating my perception of your MIL just to make a point - MIL may not be so harsh for all I know.

At this point, I'd evaluate "Have I made an impression that coming back is a desireable option if OM turns out to be not-so-great"? If not, you may consider trying to improve that. If so, then you may just take the next tiny step and go plan B defacto. There's actually a little relief in not having to push WW out to create a "real-life" situation because the decision was made for you.

I'm sure you're hoping OM will fail, and he probably will but not all do and some that do fail will take a long time). It's a less optimistic situation though with a young marriage without kids and a single OM. Good luck.

The intel benifit is well worth it. She doesn't call my WW, but my WW does call her more often than she calls me.

WW went to her parents today to get some clothes she left the day she moved in with OM. Among the things she retrieved, she put on her diamond necklace I just gave her for christmas this year. Her wedding set is still sitting on MIL's dresser, but the necklace is around her neck again. Maybe that means something, maybe not. I just don't think she could wear it without it being a reminder who it came from.

I'm still trying to portray that returning here would be a good alternative for WW. But due to our lack of communication, it's pretty hard to do. She doesn't like for me to call her, and she rarely calls me. So I don't get many opportunities to show her how my life is now. MIL does most of the reporting on how I'm doing to my WW. (Another good thing about the relationship)

While WW was at her parents today, MIL asked if it bothered WW when we talked.. WW said it was okay. So maybe it's not such a LB after all (I hope). MIL said WW looks exhausted.. She's been working a lot of overtime lately.. Sick of her job and about to quit. Got her real estate license the day she walked out on our marriage, so she's planning to look for a job in that field now. (That means she'll no longer be working with OM, thank goodness).

As for me? I spent another 1½ hours at the gym today, and another 20 minutes in the tanning bed. Right now, I dare say I look better than I ever have in my life. If WW ever see's me again, maybe she'll finally remember what she's passing up.

Been thinking today...

When wife left, I agreed to keep calls to a minimum. But, that agreement was made when she said she was going to her parents for space and time to think about things.

That lasted 5 days, then she moved in with OM... Should I forget about my agreement to not call? Maybe I should pursue and call her a few times a week? It feels like our hope for recovery is dying due to no communication. I don't have any idea what she's thinking or planning. I don't know what she wants.. All I know is she's living with him, doesn't call me very often at all, and when she does, it's all chit-chat about non-relationship things.

With no communication, how can she even see that I'm in Plan A, much less be affected by it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

we have very similiar circumstances. i responded to you on my thread about my plan A.

hope to hear back from you there soon.

and i as well will pray for you and all of us who are in our awful situations....

Just an update.

We talked on Friday.. Just more "chit-chat".. Still shows no interest in talking about the relationship. The only thing close that was mentioned was that she tried to split her cell-phone onto a separate account since she didn't think I should have to keep paying for it.

I wish I knew what she's thinking.. I'd really like to know if she even still loves me.

JohnnyB:

If you haven't already, you might want to check out some of Alostsoul's threads. His W sounds pretty similar to yours in many ways. He's got Cerri to coach him, and he's doing better than he thinks he is, considering. But his situation and how he's handling it might give you some ideas to apply to your own sitch.

I think it's good that you're able to talk to your W the way you are. Try not to get expectations up, though. She'll come around or not in her own time. In ALS's case, his W seems to be realizing that she's missing the times they had together. And although she's insistent she wants a DV, her actions see to be crying out for love. The real thing.

-Qfwfq