Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,755
H
Honey Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,755
OK, OK... I got the message and the 2x4 is hitting me hard... I am TOO NICE to wh...

I am feeling like he does get the cake and eat it too.

I am drawing more and more boundaries and he does seem to rise to them,.... BUT how do you know when you are too nice?

It is a hard line to draw. I want to spend some time with wh, but I almost feel like I am just too nice to even do that without him coming to the table more and more.... and meeting my needs more and more...

Hard to do with his issues.... I want a balancing act of kindness mixed with boundaries. Yes, it is happening, difficult though it may be.

I am interested in how to know when to draw a line.. in situations such as his invites for me to come over? Should I go or not?

He is even suggesting a wkend away and I have sd I am not comfortable with that, but I am afraid maybe I should.

I do leave when he has had too much to drink or get off the phone, and am getting to the pt that I may not be able to be around drinking at all.... but have not drawn that line in the sand, b/c he is fine if it is only a beer or two.

Anyway, tired still and frustrated.

Things have gotten better since the Sun. nite fiasco.

Thanks,

Honey

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
Not sure what you mean by too nice.

How about polite, amicable, cordial, reasonable, personable...but firm in your boundaries?

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Honey,

I posted this once before but here goes again.

Here are some of Harleys thoughts on alcohol and drug addiction within the marriage.

One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.

Until you're both willing to deal with his drinking you will not be able to fix the marriage. A weekend away is not addressing anything.

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 341
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 341
Honey -

I feel for you. You receive "advice" from SOOO many sources...

MB Forum members, parents, personal friends, church councelor, alanon members, etc. all want to tell you how to save your marriage to an actively drinking alcoholic. Very few KNOW what loving an alcoholic really means.

This next statement may surprise you coming from an alcoholic... IMHO, as long as he drinks, you are better off without him.

That is what the Harley's say and it is what I really believe.

Please ask yourself: Are you enabling his behavior? Are you prolonging his fall (ie. the beginning of his recovery)? Do your boundaries set the stage for a better life for you and your kids? Or are they a bandaid until your love for your H is totally gone?

Tough questions, but you need to work on you. Afterall, that is all you have control over, right?

Just be honest with yourself...under what circumstances do you want to stay married to your H? Once you answer that, all the questions you asked in this thread and the last one are easy to answer.

God has given you the wisdom...

Now use it wisely.

Gib

Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 341
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 341
OMG!!!!!

ba109 and I agreed on something....

Is it too late to change my mind? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK, OK... I got the message and the 2x4 is hitting me hard... I am TOO NICE to wh...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, No, No, No!!

You still don't get it. You didn't catch the concern being posted in your entire previous thread. It's not about you being nice to him. It's not about him being nice to you.

It's about your kids. They don't have a choice. They are subjected to whatever environment that you and your WH place them in. They have no choice. You do.

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
originally posted by Gibby1
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG!!!!!

ba109 and I agreed on something.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG ba109.....I think you have just been validated! You are now..."postworthy"!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(J/K you were postworthy before.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Gibby,

You have been a calming presence throughout all the posts involving alcoholism. Thank you for contributing your time and wisdom to people who sorely need it.

committed

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Thanks Gibby,

I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you committed. "Yes I am!" (postworthy that is)

Now I gotta work on Mel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Just kiddin Mel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,755
H
Honey Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 2,755
Feeling a bit like this forum can't deal with someone trying to save a marriage to an alcoholic.

Gibby, I appreciate your advice coming from someone who has been there.

I still feel attacked by some of you others and sorry for posting too personal as of late.... I really wonder why the same people who are so harsh to me, at least in my perception, keep posting to me and kind of take over my threads with the negativity towards alcoholism..... seriously the A is another addiction as well..... and quite intoxicating.

Yes, I do see the and have known the Harley
s advise for a long time. Yes, Ba..... I have noticed you seek me out and like to hit me over the head< and why is that? I am not so sure I remember, but you do have an alcoholic in your life, right?... one that you are angry at?

Anyway, thanks again, not feeling too lifted up by the tones I find here...

I don't like being talked down to, or the comments that I really need.... to listen blah blah blah..... Who would?

The one upman ship is so evident, I do wonder... what would Jesus do or how would he talk or speak out?... Would it be a better than approach or a loving approach?

Thanks for any support of me as a human, again... WHY BEAT SOMEONE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE SAME STUFF over and over, it is quite irritating..... I even outlined the types of responses I was hoping to hear...

Here is the quote-
I am interested in how to know when to draw a line.. in situations such as his invites for me to come over? Should I go or not?

Why do the same posters keep coming to my suppossed rescue even though they know I like not, what you say? I don't get it guys? Maybe I am WAY too sensitive and some of you guys might be too , to alcoholism... and WHY when I don't even post about alcohol, do I get the alcoholic answers...

Thinking I might have to change my name to get different responses... feeling branded by my experiences....

Anyway, thanks again Lor, your answer is good tonite!

Hugs and Hope to all of you, H

Thanks, H

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,421
Q
Member
Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,421
Honey:

I haven't followed these threads all that much, but I have noticed them.

"Feeling a bit like this forum can't deal with someone trying to save a marriage to an alcoholic."

I believe that it's sort of true that this forum can't deal with that. But it's probably not because they don't admire someone who wants to try, they just are frustrated by the order of priorities. It seems to me it should be 1) save the alcoholic from their addiction, then 2) save the marriage.

"the negativity towards alcoholism..... seriously the A is another addiction as well..... and quite intoxicating."

Most definitely! But you're having to deal with BOTH addictions. Even if the A is over, the fog of the OTHER addiction is still very much present.

"Anyway, thanks again, not feeling too lifted up by the tones I find here..."

I hope you don't take offense to my post. I don't intend it.

"I am interested in how to know when to draw a line.. in situations such as his invites for me to come over? Should I go or not?"

This is really entirely up to you. Nobody can tell you what to do. What do you WANT to do. What do you believe would be the right thing to do?

Please take care,
♥Qfwfq

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,717
Honey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, Ba..... I have noticed you seek me out and like to hit me over the head< and why is that? I am not so sure I remember, but you do have an alcoholic in your life, right?... one that you are angry at?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Honey, I've BTDT. Those people and/or situations are no longer a part of my life. I chose to remove myself or take action against those who tried to force their alcoholic tendencies on me or those around me.

I would certainly not subject my child to such an environment when I have the option not to. I don't understand why anyone would. Post after post, your kids seem to be your last concern. I guess that's what keeps me responding to your threads. Your kids rely on you and your WH to provide them with a stable, loving and safe environment. He is not willing to provide that for them. That leaves you.

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Honey,
As an alcoholic myself, I will tell you that I AM very negative towards practicing alcoholics because their behavior *IS* very negative and destructive. I am frankly, horrified that anyone would execute Plan A around one because I know how alcoholics are. Sure, they like being treated kindly, but we view that as an opportunity to take ADVANTAGE, not an opportunity to change. We are always looking for enablers and I imagine your H is loving this.

I agree with Harley's words about alcoholics and know that it is impossible for a practicing alcoholic to love anything or anyone OTHER than booze. Hence, an impossible recovery. There is no room for anything else because his entire life REVOLVES around alcohol.

I truly hope that changes, Honey, for your sake and the kids, but until he quits drinking, you are spinning your wheels because he is simply incapable of conducting a normal relationship.

ba109, you are too much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 57
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 57
honey I have stayed away from your postings because you get angry if people don't agree or tell you how good you're doing but I had to answer this one.
you said
<strong>I do wonder... what would Jesus do or how would he talk or speak out?... Would it be a better than approach or a loving approach?
</strong>

I say Jesus would have said protect the children because they are what's important right now. I think it's time you see that people aren't attacking you but that they are afraid for your kids. you really need to take a look at what you're exposing them to and then you need to make your decisions based on what is best for those kids. the heck with your hubby and the marriage if you are destroying your kids. no man or woman or marriage is worth destruction of kids. and so you know I don't have an alcoholic hubby and i'm not bitter or divorced. I am a parent whose kids come first though so call me names if you want.

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what would Jesus do or how would he talk or speak out?... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I even outlined the types of responses I was hoping to hear...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey,
I certainly do not think that Jesus would lie to you..and I do not think that he would want us to intentionally lie to you either. Would he? The things you want us to say to you, we don't feel are correct. By you wanting us to say those things to you, you want us to lie. The last time I looked in the Bible it expressly said to do not bear false witness (layman's terms.....LIE).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Feeling a bit like this forum can't deal with someone trying to save a marriage to an alcoholic.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think that it is a question of whether or not this forum can "deal" with it. It is because the majority of people here are practicing the Harley's principles and the Harley's are quite clear on this issue. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful. You are wanting to save the marriage first and then deal with the alcoholism (if at all). It goes against what people know and are practicing here. (IMHO) You cannot expect them to go against this and you are continuously asking them to when you want one type of response from them. The people that come here wanting to save their marriages, are going to stay true to the Harley principles as best they can. You want people to stand against what they are practicing in order to make you feel better about what you are doing. It is obvious that you do not want to practice them in regards to alcoholism.

You outlined what you wanted in the way of support on your last thread...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Support to me is a kind ear, a friendly thought, an I care about you kind of thing... maybe even we know you are doing the best you can and that you do care for your children and are working hard to make things better each day... as I truly am </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The majority of us feel that you are NOT doing these things, so why would we tell you that you are? Again, would Jesus want us to lie?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and WHY when I don't even post about alcohol, do I get the alcoholic answers...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Because Alcohol is RULING your life right now. It is the end all to be all. You cannot ignore it, you are allowing it to stay in the your life. I feel that this comment is the most enlightening comment you have ever made here. It lets me see clearly that you still feel that it has NOTHING to do with the shape your marriage and life is in. As long as you continue to take this stance and do not recognize that it has EVERYTHING to do with your marriage; your marriage and life are doomed.

As Always, JMHO
committed

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,956
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am frankly, horrified that anyone would execute Plan A around one because I know how alcoholics are. Sure, they like being treated kindly, but we view that as an opportunity to take ADVANTAGE, not an opportunity to change. We are always looking for enablers and I imagine your H is loving this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody,

Great Thought! That must be the very reason that the Harley's are clear about eliminating the alcohol first. Plan A is the very first step, isn't it? If you cannot take the first step, the rest of it isn't going to happen.

Again, thank you for pointing that out. You have enlightened me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

committed

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Thanks committed. I think that Harley knows that any addiction prevents recovery. He clearly states that recovery cannot begin until the affair ends. It is the same with alcohol, the recovery will never begin until THAT affair ends. Unfortunately, it is not Plan A that will effect an end to an affair with alcohol, but AA.

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Honey,

Melody has a clue. And so do most of the people responding to you.

My point of view comes from where I have been. My first husband was a drug addict. From that marriage I learned the same thing that Harley says… It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.[b]

I have dealt with family members and friends who are alcoholics and drug addicts. I have seen the damage alcoholics and drug abusers can do to the people around them.

From all of this I also learned that there is a huge difference between loving someone and liking them. It’s possible to love a person and not like what they are doing to themselves and others. When a person is doing something as destructive as what is going on in your life, the only sane choice is to protect yourself and your children.

I’ve also learned that an alcoholic and/or addict is the only person who can end his or her own addiction.

[b]Feeling a bit like this forum can't deal with someone trying to save a marriage to an alcoholic.


You are wrong about this. There are people here who have saved marriages with alcoholics, but they did not do it by enabling the alcoholic. Those of us who are talking to you here have been trough it. Sure not all of the marriages were saved, but sometimes that is not a failure. Sometimes it’s the only choice they have.

I am saddened to see so many people caring for you, spending their precious time and energy trying to get you to hear them, only to have you find ways to discount them. There is so much love, wisdom and sound advice being give to you, no matter how it is presented. You are choosing to not let it in.

You say that talking to a person honestly and straight is not the way to win friends. I nor most of the people here are here to win friends. We here to get and give REAL help. I do not need friends who will cajole me no matter what I do.. I have no use for friends like that. My best friend is well known for giving me a boot in the pants when I need it. I treasure her for that.

I join the ranks of those who cannot tell you what you want to hear, as it is immoral to do so to stand by and allow children to be endangered is immoral. I will not do it.

There are many who cannot learn from the experiences and advice of others. They just have to burn their hand before they will believe the stove is hot. That is your choice… your children have no choice in this. Some day they could very well look back and be very angry at what you allowed them to go through.

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 4,297
Now how to set and keep boundaries.

The first step is deciding on what boundaries you need. Do you know what they are? Or do you want help in coming up with a list.

The second step is to come up with a list of actions and other things you can do to keep those boundaries. This list is your plan.

The third step is to enlist a support system to help you stay on track.

The forth step is to keep the boundaries by working your plan and falling back on your support system when you start to loose your resolve.

For example some reasonable boundaries and a plan.

---Putting things in place so that your husband has only supervised visitation with his children until he is sober and clean from drugs.
( Discuss this with your attorney. )
( Call the police EVERY time he is with the children and under the influence of drugs.)
( Call the police EVERY time he is contributing to the delinquency of a minor (as in the case of the druggy teen) or otherwise dealing in drugs.)

---Honey has no unsupervised contact with your husband until he is sober for at least 6 months. So to answer your question, IMHO, any dates and overnights with your husband only reward him. It tells him that you have little problem with his addictions and his affairs. The strong statement that you will not put up with any of his destructive behaviors is the best thing you can do for your marriage.
(Supervised contact would also help you not explode around him. This could only help your marriage.)

---Your husband has to prove his sobriety and abstinence from drugs with solid proof, like a drug/alcohol test once or twice a week for some period of time (6 moths to a year?) to taper off until he agrees to have the test only when you think he may have slipped.

I am sure that there are other boundaries and plan steps you and others could come up with.

What are you thinking you want to do?

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
Honey,
I am not an alcoholic, but I am the daughter, exwife, and mother of alcoholics. The fact that I am not one has nothing to do with superior moral virtue, but simply that I got a different deal of the genetic cards.

You ask why people follow you around even when you make it plain you don't like what they say. I can answer only for myself: because I see so much of myself in you, and because I have been there and done that, and because I am afraid of what will happen to you and your children.

I want to tell you what I have found out about alcoholism. You cannot save the alcoholic from his/her addiction, any more than you can save the diabetic from diabetes or the asthmatic from asthma. Alcoholism is a disorder that involves the body and the mind. An alcoholic who is drinking has actual changes in his/her brain that can be seen either on autopsy or while still alive on magnetic resonance scanning. The part of the brain that deals with logic, sense, morals and judgement literally shrivels up. This means that the active alcoholic is absolutely incapable of reasoning or being aware of probable consequences. Just as a person who has lost a leg is completely incapable of dancing ballet. When the alcoholic stops drinking, it takes a full 90 days before all the toxic chemicals have left his/her body. Only then does the shrivelled part of the brain start to repair the damage. If the alcoholic stays clean, the brain recovers totally and that area (prefrontal cortex) can actually become denser than before. However, with binge cycles, the damage does eventually become permanent. That's why all treatment programs start with drying out the alcoholic. To make him/her actually capable of understanding.

I'm telling you this because it is impossible NOW for you to "recover" your marriage. Only your H can make the decisions and take the treatment that will arrest his disease. Just as only the diabetic can choose to stop eating doughnuts and start eating only the foods on the list, just as the diabetic has to commit to doing the blood tests and taking the insulin shots on a daily basis. Would it help the diabetic if his wife took the insulin shots and swore off chocolate?

I did group therapy with a group of codependent adult children of alcoholics. The doctor who led the group is not only a psychiatrist but also a neurosurgeon who specialises in the physical effects of addictions. He told us bluntly that trying to be reasonable with an active addict is "f***ing insane." Yes, he used those exact words!

I am worried about your children because of my own experience as a child of an alcoholic, and because of what has happened to my own children growing up in an alcoholic environment.

You've asked what Jesus would say and do; well, Jesus never pussyfooted around! He called people liars and hypocrites to their faces when it was needed. No, I am hinting that you are either - you're hypersensitive, Honey, and I think you have no skin at all left at the moment. What I'm getting at is that Jesus spoke the truth and spoke it directly. I could quote passages to you, but I suggest you take your Bible and look up what Jesus said about and to people who harm or neglect their children. Or use an online search engine for a Bible concordance, which will line it all up for you.

Please try to believe that those of us who follow you around actually mean well by you.

Have you tried the Dr Laura thing? look into a mirror, or into the eyes of a stranger, and say aloud "It is better for my boys to be in dangerous situations, in an unhealthy coparentship, where they could easily be physically hurt and will definitely be emotionally battered, than for me to take the initiative and provide a safe place for them on my own and leave my H in God's hands."

I have sympathy for your dream. You want the married with children, happy home, secure thing. Problem is, it takes two parents for that, and right now your H is not available.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feeling a bit like this forum can't deal with someone trying to save a marriage to an alcoholic.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Posters replying to this thread & oops thread:

Alcoholics

Gibby1-186 posts
Tom-1518 posts
MelodyLane-1735 posts

Spouses /family members of alcoholics

Zorweb- 3626 posts
ba109-159 posts
juststartingover-739 posts
jph-45 posts
KaylaAndy-824 posts
Mitzi-3257 posts

(I assembled this from direct statements in these threads, if I missed anyone, sorry.)

So, Honey, you've got posters who know MB and who know about being or living with an alcoholic. And, you are hearing the same thing over and over. Your H is not separate from his drinking. All issues you have with him merely spoke out from his core being, one who drinks to excess often.

I think from re-reading these threads, one of the main themes is that you want to save your marriage and if that means your H is always an alcoholic, you are, at this point willing to live with him as an alcoholic.

Don't tune out yet.

I also read & post a lot on Recovery and one of the main themes there is that, when either of the spouses isn't a good partner in a marriage, Recovery is difficult, halting, faltering, unsatisfactory for the spouse who does make the effort.

Twyla currently has a long thread on this subject...and this isn't even dealing with alcoholism, but dissatisfaction and unmet needs and expectations, drained lovebanks when posters are years into recovery:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009703

Oldies but goodies...been in this situation?

So, whether or not you are "nice" isn't the issue. Because of your children, you hopefully will have your H in your life, and that's where my post on this thread was directed on your behavior when you interact with him: polite, amicable, cordial, but firm boundaries for you and your children.

Do you want your H home and drinking? Is that the environment you want to raise your children?

I believe your H wants you in his life, but he's not willing to change his drinking. His drinking is a higher priority to him than you, than the kids.

Is "a couple beers" really no problem?

If you are counting them, it looms as a problem, doesn't it?

I also listen to Dr. Laura quite frequently, and one thing she does is when the caller is babbling on about details, she cuts them off, "I don't need anymore details", she deals with the core issues.

So, when you say we don't have every detail, it isn't necessarily relevant, your core issues are plain and that's what posters are addressing...over and over.

Like juststartingover says, I "follow you" and come to your threads because I see myself in you. Not the alcoholic H, but our sheer stubbornness and determination. Being strong-willed is a strength, but one that can go awry when the target goal is incomplete.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 140 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5