HI guys, need some advice. WH has been jerking me around since I found out he's been keeping secrets...Hidden email, secret charges, victoria secret, sending money and care packages via canada to cuba. We've gone round and round about all issues. Done some counseling. Watched some Marriage Without Regret video series. After D day I only asked him for the truth. I also lost a lot of weight from the stress had mentruation for over a month.So much stuff. Now even after the latest crap I moved his stuff out, changed the locks, and filed for a seperate maintence agreement. I have been doing lots of work on myself and now am learning how NOT to react w/ emotions. I am exercising and am healthier. I even feel good about myself even in the midst of all this... I am basically working on a plan b.....Finally after 4 months I saw the first sign of brokeness. He called me last weekend at 2 am. at my front door. He told me not to hate him and don't be mad. I don't hate him and I told him that. I let him know that in order for him to come back he will have to agree to a few things..HONESTY..COMPLETE DISCLOSURE.. ACCESS TO EMAIL, PURCHASES, ADDRESSES OF PEOPLE HE SENT MONEY TO CUBA.. ACCOUNTABILITY TO ME..AND NO MORE VERBAL ATTACKS AND SARCASIM. He just won't talk about anything or negotiate on any level. He told me he wanted to put the past behind us and start over w/ a clean slate. But his actions do not show this. He is holding strong that he never had an affair. The secrets and lies just don't match up. Is there anything I should be doing? I am losing my sanity. It's almost like it's a game of poker and he's the champion. Do any of you know what could possibly be going through his alien brain? I am prepared to move on if he wants to end it although I really believe in the covenant of marriage and would like to try to get things right once and for all. Am I wasting my time?

Hi and welcome to MB.

What have you read from here? Letting him back into your life after you have done a good plan B will undermine your efforts.

I let my H know that the work to recovery was going to require his effort at first an equal amount and as each false recovery showed up, his contribution went up.

One of the things I did was let the WS know that I had fear of him reverting back being under the spell of the OW and A. I was able to define the fact that for me a boundary was NOT to have the OW in my life in any way shape or form. Yet he tried to bring her in, regretted and then his stake went higher before he tried again.

When the Ws asked that we just forget it and move forward, I let him know that was not easy for me. Part of his helping me to recover was to help me get over this junk. In order for me to put it behind required that he earn my trust back. When he pulled that crap about his fear of my reverting back to my old ways, I called that bluff since there wasn't much change from my old ways. I made my fear of the A the priority. I let him know that I was not convinced he could really increase my trust in him and remove that fear.

Basically I challenged him. When he tried to turn it back on me, I said ok then you need to go because I can't guarantee that I won't revert back to my old self. LOL!!!

Learn to set reasonable expectations and learn to identify his bluffs, then let him know you did.

L.

Ok, I understand. So for now I need to be living my life and moving forward as if he won't be coming back. In a seperation I need to let him have a taste of what divorce is really like. Why is he playing such hard ball and keeping his emotions to himself. And why if he says there was never an affair won't he disclose his purchaces and open access to emails? I am learning to deal with the rejection but I am so sad for my 3 kids. They are 8 11 13. They also see it as a rejection of them too.

Why? Because he IS hiding SOMETHING. Remember the A is a THING.

Now that you can see your children are being affected, it is important that you get the help so that is lessens the damaging impact. Do not reduce his responsibility on this matter. Do not absolve or minimize his damage. If it is more important that he hide stuff and make you and the children NOT feel safe, then you need to decide what you need to do for you and the children. Mind you, he will not see himself as the criminal. He may try hard to have you and the children view him as a victim and possibly make you the criminal. Do not absorb that lie.

That is why you need to read up on the info here. Get with a good MC and get counseling for the children. My little one was 5 when this all started. The are quite sensitive and keen to all that is happening and need their own outlet. Also they need to know that they will not be abandoned. They can also be your support as you are theirs.

take care,
L.

The kids see it as a rejection to them too. This is well known with the counseling I have been in. The problem is the wayward spouse doesn't see it as rejection for the kids, just to the spouse. But in the long run, the kids know deep inside who had the affair, who destroyed the marriage.

Glad to hear you are doing the things needed to move on. Your husband should not come back, until disclosure of the affair 100%. Radical honesty, needs to be said. He has to follow the rules. He has to give it time. He has to know that he will not be trusted, until he shows that he is committed to the marriage, and everything else is nothing to him.

See, with my marriage, my husband kept all the sexual letters, sexual e-mails, cards, gifts, that he got from the other woman. I was told during counseling that that is a sign that he is not over the other woman. Therefore, I felt I could never trust him. Now that we are divorcing, he is ready to get rid of the stuff. Which is great, would of been nice earlier on, but I am dealing with a this now. My husband asked my lawyer for all the material of the affair to be given back to husband, and he said he will burn the stuff in front of me. I would like to see, my lawyer give the stuff to him in front of me, and then we go to our back acreage, and take paper and matches, and watch the crap go up in flames. I know my husband has a picture of the woman and him together. I would like to see that picture go up in flames too. But we will see. Right now, I don't talk to much to my husband, cause I am dealing with issues of my emotions, for valid reasons. I saw a Dr. today, and we are going to work on some of my issues with my body.

They don't usually show remorse, and that hurts. We gave our hearts, and soul to our husbands. So bear with it, it may not happen, but if it does, that is really a good sign.

You said:

"He just won't talk about anything or negotiate on any level. He told me he wanted to put the past behind us and start over w/ a clean slate. But his actions do not show this. "

He wants the benifits of having you as a wife, without the hard work of building a relationship with meaning.

Did he say he would do whatever it takes to build trust and honesty in a relationship?

"clean slate" is a term that bothers me. To me, it's akin to brushing all the bad stuff under the carpet, and pretending everything is just hunky-dorky.

Don't buy this offer. It sounds counterfeit. be kind, be polite, be a little not available.

Pepper

See, that's what really bothers me about WH and kids. He says in one breath that his kids are his life but he just goes on and plans his next trip to Cuba anyway. Even when kids tell him that he is going there way too much, he of course blames me for feeding them that line. I told him that they most definetly feel last on his priority list everytime he goes. WH and I were going to a Christian counselor, we didn't make really any progress because the guy was taking a soft, passive approach w/ my H. And that in return fueled WH's huge ego. I even asked the counselor if he thought it was a good time for the kids to seek counseling since I took the steps to seperate, he said "no, not yet". Ok, how bad does it have to get for them to go? I need to look for another counselor... Now, as far as WH and trust and honesty are concerned he did not say once that he would do whatever it takes to rebuild them. I am so thankful for you all and this sight. I am also blessed w/ a good support team. Wait, here's the kicker... WH is out of our home but is only 6 houses down from us staying in a rental house we have. But his brother and family are all in there too. WH has even parked his precious car in my garage from time to time overnight. It's like nothing is fazing him. And the kids can see when he is home any time. I know it's super difficult for them to see dad living so close but not w/ them. My son asked when daddy could come home and I told him that it was up to daddy. And he tells me daddy is waiting for mommy to ask him to come home.