Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 329
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 329
Ms red,
his wife believes his bull **** because she wants to believe him. I fed my wife the same line.
I was a good liar, I was just more careful after I got caught the first time. Didn't do anything to
make her think I was still cheating.
Are you involved in another relationship or just with mm? Do you want him to leave his wife? If you
do, what excuse is he giving you for not doing so?
It can't be the kids, is it the fact, she will get half of everything? or is she in bad health?
All these excuses are lies, he's lying to both of you. If you want out, send him a no contact letter and stick to it, easier said than done but find a hobby, throw yourself into it, find a single guy, put something else on your mind.
He's really not worth it.

Miss priss,
I am honest in my opinions too, it's what I felt in my situation, nobody bothers to even reply to me unless it's some kind of put down, just let it roll, there are probably a lot of lurkers that agree with you but are too afraid of speaking up.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 242
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 242
MelodyLane, You posted with eloquence,courage and perfection.Thank you.

I am one who cannot stand by and feel and say nothing in the face of blatant injustice,abuse,evil or intentional indifference.I have gotten in some tight spots in my life standing up and speaking out but I would not go back and do any differently.It is also very rewarding when someone, so indifferent or noncaring, opens their mind and heart to positive change after being called out or being told their behavior is unacceptable.It rarely happens when the heart and character is self centered and self serving but sometimes it does happen.

Don't ever change MelodyLane.The Man above is proud and will reward you for your being who you are.The indifferent people who will
see the "light" and make a change for the better will never forget your words and lesson. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The ones you speak out for will appreciate your courage and concern,too.

I am hoping Ms.Red is the one who posted on the Prayer Request by Sorry2 titled..
Topic: I can't make it Right, But God can fix it.

Maybe,just maybe,the fact that some spoke up and gave her the info we did helped her to be one that has seen the "light" and made a change.Maybe it was another OW that read the posts and made the change.It is the only way we can help make this a better world to live in,one word spoken in defense,one at a time.

from my hero,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. Think big anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway. Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.Help people anyway.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mother Teresa
Catholic Missionary, Nobel Peace Prize Recipient

kk

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
kingskid, thanks much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 920
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 920
MsRed, the truth is, if he wanted to be married to you, he'd already be divorced from his wife.
My FWH fed the OW a line a mile long. Told the two OW he had A's with that he was getting divorced and so on.
Problem is he forgot to tell me. And when I found out about A, he dropped them like hot coals.
However, as long as he can get you to believe him and his W too, he has it made.
While my H was telling last OW he was filing and going to marry her, he was taking me on a trip to look at new homes to buy in another state.
And making decisions that would tie us together even more.
Now, any man who is getting out of his marriage will not be investing more in things with Wifes name on them!
So I found out he was lying as much to her as to me.
You are simply a bit of sexual variety on the side. And he is still making love to his wife.
For the record, most men who have A's say the sex with OW is not as good as with wife, just different. Why? Because the wife knows him better than you do or will.
You're being used and kept from having a real relationship where you can be number 1!
Believe me when I tell you this, I'm not trying to be cruel. You do deserve better and so does his W.
Very few men leave wife for OW. Of those who do, only 5% last in their relationship.
And why do you want a man who will cheat? Because you think you're special? Or better than she as a woman?
Not so dear. If he cheats on her, he'll cheat on you. Because after the initial tingle dies down, he'll be off and hunting again.
Please read as much on A's as you can. you'll find you're truly in a losing battle that will eat up years of your life and leave you wondering why you allowed it to happen. Move on and find a single man. There are many who are out there looking, and probably far better than this jerk.
God bless, LouLou

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe it doesn't make you "angry" to see injustice done to other people. Some people can sit right by and watch all sorts of destruction and never have a flutter of the heart as long as it happens to someone else. However, most people are not like that. Nor is it a sign of "growth," but a lack of empathy at best. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it make me angry to see injustice done to others? No......it makes me mad.....these are 2 different things. Anger leads to Hate and Hate leads to Resentment......and I've had enough of that. BUT.....because I didn't shout out at the OW in this case I now have no empathy. Sorry....I cannot convey my TRUE feelings through this keyboard very well. I don't think slingning mud in the OW's face is really the way to solve anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You differentiated yourself from the others who did show rightful anger by dismissing their opinions as "biased" and claiming that your lack of reaction was from "growth." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is where YOU ALL misunderstood my post....again...hard to convy what you feel through a keyboard.

I dismissed NO ONES opinions and never once claimed they were biased.

I simply stated that since I'm past some of what most people here are going through I think I can understand her FEELINGS better based on my own experience.

My reason for saying that being that most people here are still in the midst of dealing with a W/H that is involved in an A so their reaction to an OP is going to be based on what they are going through NOW.

My lack of reaction? Not really sure what YOU consider a lack of reaction.......maybe I should have called her BI$%H and told her she was worth nothing but the trouble she was causing? That SHE was the cause of everything and that she deserved EVERYTHING she was getting.

Sorry....that's not how I feel. I can only post based upon my experiences since they are the only ones I have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am only saying that whatever the reason you can stand silent in the face of evil, I assure you it is anything BUT "growth." Your remark that "Why don't I seem angry? Because Ms. Red never did anything to me. She isn't my H's FOW." says it all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that my "growth" is the reason why I'm not getting riled up about this. Just because I haven't told her off I've been told I have no empathy. I'm not mad at Ms. Red....she didn't do anything to me. BUT.....her situation makes me mad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not trying to pick on you, but I only wanted to point out how wrong and misguided it is to dismiss strong reactions to injustice as a "lack of growth." It is anything BUT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not trying to pick on me? Not that I really mind.......but you've done more than that.

AND.....I never once said anyone here had no right to be mad or angry.....never once stated that anyone here had a lack of growth.

I'm done trying to explain myself and my post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OnlyHuman
Member
Member # 15895

posted March 20, 2003 10:00 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss priss,
I am honest in my opinions too, it's what I felt in my situation, nobody bothers to even reply to me unless it's some kind of put down, just let it roll, there are probably a lot of lurkers that agree with you but are too afraid of speaking up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that other have the same opinions that I do......I've seen them post those opinions on other sites.....but they are too afraid to post those particular over here.

I would let it roll......had I not been put in a category that would make one assume I'm unfeeling and just downright "not right in the head".

TGIF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT.....because I didn't shout out at the OW in this case I now have no empathy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Noone said that you have to yell and call the OW names. My only objection to your remarks was your insistence that your lack of anger was a sign of "growth," implying that any angry reaction to her abhorrent actions indicated a lack thereof.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it make me angry to see injustice done to others? No......it makes me mad.....these are 2 different things. Anger leads to Hate and Hate leads to Resentment......and I've had enough of that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, they are one and the same. Mad is a synonym for anger.

mad ( P ) Pronunciation Key (md)
adj. mad·der, mad·dest
Angry; resentful. See Synonyms at angry.

One should hate injustice. It is very healthy to become angry in the sight of injustice. I became very angry when I heard that Elizabeth Smart was raped by her abductor. Does that lead to "hate" and "resentment?" Maybe hate, but it is perfectly healthy to hate evil. It is UNHEALTHY to not feel anger for injustice.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 38
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 38
OOO! This is my kind of debate! Anger vs. Mad...6 of one, half a dozen of the other. Technically anger is "passionate displeasure"

Anger has really gotten a bad rap, IMO. Anger is just an emotion, no better or worse than any other. Realistically, not much would get done in life if not for anger. The important thing is what you do with the anger. Righteous or constructive anger at social injustice has lead to social changes.

Though there are many shades of grey in the world, some things ARE black and white. There are right things and wrong things. These don't even have to be religiously based.

Non-consensual adultery is wrong. It angers me to see people do this. Now, what can I do constructively with that anger? If someone involved in an EMR asks a question, I can answer and explain why it's wrong and point out the theft. I can refuse to become involved in an EMR. I can refuse to enable an EMR. I cannot make someone else make good choices in this situation anymore than I can make another person choose fruit over a twinkie.

As well, I cannot condone by silence the notion that an OP is not involved in the BS's life. She is most intimately involved in a BS's life. The BS just doesn't know it. It's a situation analagous to identity theft. You don't know someone is using your personal information to rack up $1000's in debt, get jobs, etc. But it sure does have a lasting effect on your life.

Anger is justified. Anger motivates change. Asking someone to deny his anger is dangerous and can be lethal.

An aside, I didn't really see anyone bash MsRed, just give her information. It's likely MsRed didn't see how irrational (however respectfully framed) her question was. I'm betting she still doesn't.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
Just for information's sake, my dictionary defines mad as :1) out of one's mind, crazy, insane 2) informal very angry, furious.

Miss Priss I'm 18 months ahead of you in recovery, posted to you through your bad times, in fact...and I don't think I've ever been less than honest in my posts. So, honestly, I too felt you were taking a superior position.

I didn't attack Ms. Red, just wanted her to think of why SHE was in this relationship. Afterall, the BS isn't here, she is (or was here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ).

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,091
I'm getting really really tired of people trying to tell me how I should feel and how I should react to something.

I am ME....I feel what I feel and I react the way I react.

Never once have I ever felt superiour to anyone on this board. How could I when we are all in the same boat?

Lor......I respected your opinions through my hardest times....and I respect them now.

I am sorry that my some of my opinions don't coincide with everyone elses here. I wasn't aware that they had to.

I will take my leave of this board....for the final time.....since I have no "empathy"....and I'm not "good people"....and I haven't "grown".....and feel "superior" to others.

I hope I helped at least 1 person.

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 91
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 91
First..I wanted to say thank you to Resilient. I copied and saved your post, as it spoke more to me than many of the books I have been reading lately to understand what the hell happened in my marriage.

Now, to Red. Are you with this man just because you like the victory of stealing him away from someone else? Like that somehow makes you a prettier/better/more desirable woman than the one he is with? My sister's best friend waisted years of her life like this. And that is what it all boiled down to...some twisted little ego boost she got from stealing men away from other women. Maybe that's not your case, but an interesting one to point out.

You know this is wrong. And even if he ever respected you enough to keep you around on a more permanent basis...how are you going to hold your head up when people ask you how you met? People will look at you like the village wh0re..is that what you want? I doubt it. And is that what you want your family to think about you? Is that what you want your life to be based on? Life and relationships are hard enough without all that added stress and shame.

You cannot possibly think that all these people on here who have responded to you are wrong and you are right? That what God wants is not right but what you want is. That is some severe denial. Is you really hate yourself that much, and need such a foolish relationship in order to boost your self-worth, then you should honestly think about some daily counceling.

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
Miss Priss,
I have no intention of driving you away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

You know success stories are always needed and yours is a good inspiration.

Always wishing you the best...even if we happen not to agree.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 844
I've been thinking about Ms. Red's questions. And I think I see now why WSs and OPs find it so easy, in fact without even thinking about it, can engage in violation of the BS's home and steal from the marital assets. Could it be that to both parties, the BS is not a person? S/he is just "The Wife/Husband." Like "The Secretary" or "The Car." Can be replaced or substituted without any repercussions, or moral involvement.

So an OW may well think it's okay for her to headhunt "The Wife's" position. Like jobhunting. But the sad thing is, should this MM actually trade his BS in for her, Ms. Red will then be "The Wife." And MM will have to look about for another "The Mistress." Because he is, in his own mind, playing the role of "The Married Man."

It's also possible that this BS is playing her role of "The Wife."
Ms. Red, the XOW in my situation said she held marriage vows sacred, would never come between a man and his wife, didn't mess with married men or nuthin'. Quotes. Her justification for not holding my H's and my vows sacred (she was also engaged to another man at the time, living with him, wedding date set, had jointly bought a house and acquired two dogs), for continually forcing her way between us, and messing with a married man was "she believed he'd made a mistake in choosing anybody but her." So, in her mind, the marriage wasn't real and didn't have to be respected. As her own engagement ring wasn't real….

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: juststartingover ]</small>

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 920
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 920
MsRed, most likely, the time will come he has to make a choice. You or her. In most A's, the WS will eventually leave you. That is stastics.
He will also realize you are a fantasy just as My WS realized. He thought he was in love, then later said it was not love at all, but pure fantasy and he realized he'd have been miserable had he left me for her.
Yes, he told OW he loved her, was seeking his freedom and would stand in church, hold hands with her and be together forever.
I found this out by reading their emails. Know what? At same time he was writing her this bullsh--, he was making plans with me to buy a new home for our retirement in near future! We traveled to other states looking at homes to share.
We were making financial decisions, doing all the things that no S would do if they were going to divorce! People don't add to their assets if going into court and divorcing! Not unless they're very stupid which my FWH is not.He even took me on vacations prior to flying to see her and shack up for a few days.
So while all his letters to her hurt me deeply, I had to laugh at how he was lying to her as well.
You will never know what truly is going on at home, or how he feels. OW get as many lies as the wife does. Believe it!
What you are is sexual variety from time to time, and a fantasy escape from routine daily life. That's all. Go read Richsgrl4evr. She's the OW who married the jerk and he's now cheating on her. They do not change their behavior for you. You are not more special in his eyes. Sadly, OW always think they are.
Mine talked about me, told so many lies to get her to fawn over him. While I was meeting his needs overboard!
Other things in their emails, she was offering him all types of sexual thrills she felt he was missing. LOL The truth is we were having it all at the same time and he would not be faithful to her. You would blush at the terrible things he said about her sexually after the A was over. HOw bad of condition she was in and how I'm way above her. But? He still slept with her a couple of times. Just had to find out for himself.
Why? for the thrill of something new!
Read all you can on unfaithfulness. You will see the patterns and how OW or OM are used.
The stastics say WH usually admit sex at home with wife is much better and more fulfilling.
You just think you're doing something special for him. But you don't stand a chance because his wife knows him better than you ever will.
Why would you even consider a man who will cheat on his wife? Why? If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.
In fact, you may not be the first OW in his life, or even the only one at this time.
Move on and get a real life.
LouLou

Page 4 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 140 guests, and 49 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5