I've been re-reading stuff on plan b. I was doing a decent job but let WS in house over last weekend. I was stupid b/cause I caved and had sex w/him. Now I feel awful about it! I feel used. He hasn't changed one bit. He just doesn't get it.

Listen, how do I regain my footing and get back on track w/ plan b agter messing up? He isn't living w/ us but is over everyday. I have given him all the time he wants w/ kids, but I don't want him coming in and hanging out here. I know if I tell him only to pick them up at the door he'll start his anger all over again. I just am feeling horrible about a false start w/ him. I hate how I feel, he used me for a sexual release.

I am so tired from confrontation. I don't have anything to say and would rather not talk to him.How bad did I set myself back? The kids are having their spring break next week and WS mentioned he wanted all of us to do something together. I don't want to "pretend" we are some happy family. And I feel it's really unfair to the kids too. Last weekend my little 8 yr. old was upset b/cause her dad did stay over. She is so hurt by him and that surprised me that it bothered her by him being there.

All you smart people out there I know have some great advice. Truly MB site has been my biggest support. I feel safe w/ you all b/cause you've been in my shoes. Thanks in advance.

Honesty is still the best policy. That is an original quote although I don't know who originally said it. Seems normal that you would want to have sex with your own spouse, but you know that it was not in the best interest of the plan. Anger is a manipulative ploy. I would not let it sway honest communication. He is having the cake, what do we call it at this site, and you want some too. But don't give it all away. Which plan working for you?

It's hard to say how far set back you were. Would need more details on your Plan B and H's attitude to even start to guess. At least you didn't take him back permanently and sacrifice a requirement.

Yeah, it will be that much harder for WS to realize the consequences the next time. Think Saddam Hussein and his crossing of many, many lines in the sand until it required a full fledged invasion. Don't do it again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But what can you do? ou could just pick up Plan B where you left it off. You may need to restate the boundaries or at least clarify that Plan B is still in effect. I don't think it will really matter since it will become pretty evident soon enough that Plan B is back on.

If he asks about your lapse, hey, you do care for him very much and he should take that as a sign that you want to work on marriage. But that it was a further evidence to you that it is too hurtful to keep going this way and that you need to keep away from that situation until he is willing to agree to Plan B boundaries. Spring break? It hurts too much. Heck, it even hurts the kids it seems.

I guess one hard part might be to make a strogn effort to avoid coming off as manipulative or controlling. Definitely try to avoid any argument that will degenerate into some complicated mess about the sex.

Good luck.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hey ljkm3,

Howa doin? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hey Orchid! I'm hangin in there. I have been trying to avoid any contact w/ WH but he keeps coming over and staying all day long. He even came upstairs to my room last night and tried to climb in to sleep over. I told him he couldn't stay so he left.

I'M SO TIRED OF THIS!!! He will come over, he'll ask if we could do something as a family together (Disney, etc..). I can't believe my ears! He doesn't talk at all when he's around me. He wants to move back home, what the .... is this all about? He knows where I stand currently. I'm not backing down b/cause there is NO WAY we could go back to a broken down one sided relationship!!!!

The problem is he's not putting in any effort to recover. He's here right now watching tv w/ the kids and he even came behind me trying to read over my shoulder. I mean, if your spouse loves you and wants to reconcile don't you think he would be showering me w/ all the love and attention he can show?

But even as time is passing I am scared b/cause I don't know if I will want him back if he ever does turn around. I mean at first I was glad if he came over. I missed him. I missed making love w/ him. I just don't have any hopeful feelings left. Will I ever be able to get any feeling back? I want my husband to truly be excited when I come into the room. I want him to be proud of the way I present myself. I'm only reading contempt on his face.

On the up side though, I am learning new things and getting things acomplished. My neighbor gave me a tire gauge and showed me how to put air in my tires w/ a compressor. I know this is silly but I have never done this before and I was really proud of myself that that was one less thing I had to rely on my H for.

How is it going out there for you? What's the 411 on your life now? Glad to hear from you. You've helped me alot. I really need your support too!

Originally posted by ljkm3:
Hey Orchid! I'm hangin in there.

Orchid: Good to hear.

...I'M SO TIRED OF THIS!!! He will come over, he'll ask if we could do something as a family together (Disney, etc..). I can't believe my ears! He doesn't talk at all when he's around me. He wants to move back home, what the .... is this all about?

Orchid: U should be. What other person would you allow to let you suffer so? Fog does crazy things. In his mind he is ok. Now what?

He knows where I stand currently. I'm not backing down b/cause there is NO WAY we could go back to a broken down one sided relationship!!!!

Orchid: Yes he knows but how does he react? Hm.... big question becaues that fog has a way of twisting the truth.

Also if you have just identified a boundary here, make sure you really really mean it.

The problem is he's not putting in any effort to recover. He's here right now watching tv w/ the kids and he even came behind me trying to read over my shoulder.

Orchid: To you it may seem that way but to him? You know some WS' think they are doing their best. But is that good enough for you? Should it be?

I mean, if your spouse loves you and wants to reconcile don't you think he would be showering me w/ all the love and attention he can show?

Orchid: Yes, you are right but remember he is in the fog. Can't expect logic out of a turnip, at least not yet.

But even as time is passing I am scared b/cause I don't know if I will want him back if he ever does turn around. I mean at first I was glad if he came over. I missed him. I missed making love w/ him. I just don't have any hopeful feelings left. Will I ever be able to get any feeling back? I want my husband to truly be excited when I come into the room. I want him to be proud of the way I present myself. I'm only reading contempt on his face.

Orchid: Don't be scared. Your feelings are like many here @ MB. You are stating your needs here. You need to really define them.

On the up side though, I am learning new things and getting things acomplished. My neighbor gave me a tire gauge and showed me how to put air in my tires w/ a compressor. I know this is silly but I have never done this before and I was really proud of myself that that was one less thing I had to rely on my H for.

Orchid: Good and U should be proud.

How is it going out there for you? What's the 411 on your life now? Glad to hear from you. You've helped me alot. I really need your support too!

Orchid: ok for now. Still working on that trust issue.

take care,
L.

As far as boundries go, I am more confident than ever. I mean what I say. I believe I was afraid of the unknown out there before and didn't have the confidence to take a stand. I am still afraid of change but I like the changes I see in me. Boundries would be... truthfullness... kindness... love... respect... priorites in line, God, me, children...cannot come home until WS seeks counseling and discovers why he treats me the way he does... and includes me in his life...and he has to dump the anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I can see almost how WS believes he is putting forth an effort by coming by. That DEFINTELY is not good enough for me. But at this stage of the game, how much longer am I supposed to hold on?

The paperwork is in motion w/ my lawyer regarding the seperation. I will have to go before a court soon to review this matter. I was so hoping that we wouldn't have to get this far. This sucks b/cause my life is in limbo. WS said that if I follow through w/ seperation he will take it to the next level and file for a divorce. I told him I'm prepare to go through that if that's what it takes to turn our marriage around. I feel we could always remarry. I mean what's the difference between a dead relationship and a divorce? we're already there anyway.

What steps have you taken to rebuild that trust? How do you work through it? What's worked for you?

Hi Ljkm3,

For me I had to put the rebuilding of trust on the WS. He has to turn himself back into an H. It was already established (by the WS) that I was not at fault for this A. Once we got over that hurdle, all those malicious lies about how bad and W and mother I was fell by the wayside. All the OW threats about putting me in jail with bogus charges, lost their strength. Of course through it all and even now, my conduct had to be exemplary. I try hard but not perfect, mind you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Once that was settled, it was quite obvious even to a foghead, where the bulk of the M restoration work resided. I continued to fulfill my M obligations: Love my family, take care of them where, how and when I could. Then I learned to give the WS his resposibility back. It took a great deal of stress off of me. Put it on him but he didn't seem to mind. In fact he appears to like the challenge. He now has taken on more family responsibility and even is working with our child in school matters, etc. He still has a way to go but his childhood blockades are great so he is learning to overcome them (his parents were highly neglectful so what little he does in my eyes is a big deal in his - perception issues here).

So I would say that personal recovery is available to all (WS & BS alike). Marital recovery is dependent on both H & W working on it together. To go from WS/BS to H/W is the turning point. That needs to be done before marital recovery can even be claimed. How? Well there should be strides on both sides to earn back those titles. It is a privilege to be a spouse.

Any divorce/separation/adverse reaction from an A is a burden to the M. It is up to the one causing those issues to work to prove his or her way back to the family. There was a thread about do you want to be right or be married? While the one who wrote it is very respected here, I disagree that being right and married are different. I believe that in a true M, it is important to be right in order to be M. It could be my perception of that thread but we all have a right to be married but to succeed we must be married for the right reasons.

When our spouses have an A, they lose that right. The family is not a second choice, we are not doormats. It is a privilege to be a part of a loving family. No WS or OP have the right to infringe and suck the love and life out of any family.

Whew...... got to go to lunch and refuel. I just get soooo wordy on a cup of java!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hope this helps.

L.

Ok, WS came inside after bringing son back from baseball. He came in and sat his butt on the sofa and watched tv. We didn't have any discussions. He just comes over and hangs out. He stayed until 11 and then asked if he had to go. Of course I told him yes.

He really iritates me. I don't even want to SEE him until he gets serious. Do WS's really believe they can just coast their way through the mess they've created and eventually slide back into their "familiar patterns?"

The kids and I sat down briefly today to discuss how they would like this to go. They all expressed a desire for all of us to sit down together and talk. None of them want him to move back in until he shows them his committed love and security. WS thinks everything is ok as far as kids concerned. That is just not true.

I don't understand how he can talk about fixing things around the house and talk about doing things together. I think it's much harder for all of us b/cause WS is living in a house on our street. I'm thinking that in our situation "absence makes the heart grow fonder" would be better. It's been very difficult for me to just sit by and be patient. This has been a very enlightening challenge for me.

Since all of this stuff happened, I see WS in a different light. He's pitiful. He isn't my hero anymore. I don't even recognize the person inside his body. He used to be so together. I pray that one day trust can be restored. That *** is even STILL planning his next trip to Cuba! What... one hijacking wasn't enough?! He is lucky the hijackers didn't board his plane that day. They just happened to be around the same timeframe he was there. I'm sorry to rehash some of the same bull**** I've said before.

Hey, I've got a question for you...Do you think WS's are aware of the opinions others have for them? I've noticed he has avoided certain friends and people from the kid's school. Don't WS's at least see that through their current actions, they are viewed differently? I mean, not everyone can be wrong in their opinions and our WS's are the only ones who are right.

Don't beat me over the head... I know it has a lot to do w/ their fog. I guess my question is more retorical than anything else. Let me know what you all think.