i cant stop crying, im so afraid, and alone hurting,i feel so bad, he left yesterday said that was it,i thought it would not be so hard! i keep telling myself its only for a while he will be back he just needs to get his head out of the fog,but then again what if he doesnt what if i will be here raising my 5 kids alone and hes out there running around being happy, with ow? im trying to b strong for them trying not to cry in front of them, he thinks they will be ok ? my little one is already acting out just throwing fits for no reason!he actually thinks they will be would b beter that he is not around? i just cant stop crying! i hate the fact that night time is coming and i have to go to bed alone,he wont be there to old onto and touch,and kiss goodnight and he wont come home from work and tell me about his day,and smile at me and make me laugh! im alone!and for some ow! who will never love him like i do! im so worried and so scared and hate the thought of a new day that i will have to feel like this again!! ANY HELP OUT THERE?? PLEASE??

((((((((( malcswife )))))))))

Let the tears out. And if your kids ask why you are crying, tell them the simple truth; that you miss Daddy. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You're at a low right now. Grieve it out. It could take a few days this time, but that's okay. If after a few days you're still feeling the same...

Talk to your doctor, and see about getting on some anti depressant medication to see you over this emotional hump right now. It's not a long term commitment to go on them, but it really does help keep away that sickly sinking feeling from deep within.

You obviously love your H, and you want to fix your M. To do that, you need to become a better you. And that takes time. It took time for your M to reach the point it's at, and it will take time to make it a safe place again too.

We're here to help you if we can. This forum is AWESOME at letting it out, and venting, and crying, etc. (how else do you think I managed to get to over 1800 posts? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Karen

Malcswife,
Do you have any friends close by? Or that you can call? A real hug or voice can help so much.

You can't do anything about him leaving. He's done it. I know you were in some doubt if his A is EA or PA...if it isn't already PA, it is likely to be so. Some spouses wait until they've left so that they can say, "well, we didn't get together until my W & I were separated." It's still bad behavior and the infidelity unjustified.

So, you have good reason to be upset and crying...but if you can, get ahold of yourself. Do something with the kids. Bake cookies. Popcorn. If your weather permits, go to the park, take a walk. Rent a movie, read books outloud. Get busy with your kids.

Tonight, take a couple extra pillows to bed with you, line them up on his side. It isn't a warm body, but I found it helpful when I was separated to lay against something.

If you talk to your H, try not to cry the whole time, not at all if you can manage. Tears won't make him feel sorry about what he's done, at most he'll feel guilt...and perhaps avoid you because of it. Not fair, I know.

Have you read SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley? If not, do so. And put Plan A into effect, with no lovebusters when you talk to your H.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but read everything you can on this site.

My H & I were separated 7 times, 14 months out of 21. And... now we've been in recovery 3 years. Some of it was just like you said, out-waiting his running around and his thinking we'd be better off without him.

Concentrate on you and your kids now. Eat right, get exercise, try to sleep.

You won't always feel this bad.

First, calm down...do whatever you need to so that you can relax. Do you have anyone you can call for support? Friends, family, doctor or a community crisis intervertion number??

You will make yourself crazy with the "what if's". Right now, you need to concentrate on just getting through the next hour. You cannot control what your H does. He has made some questionable choices...he is responsible, not you! It's time to set your priorites. First, you need to look after yourself (take time to relax, exercise and surround yourself with supportive people). Second, your kids need their Mom. They don't expect you to be perfect but, they need to have stability, routine, consistency and continuity, at this point. Way down on the priority list is your H. You can't change or help someone who won't change or help themselves.
Sort of the "give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day...teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime" analogy. Your H has alot of lessons he must learn for himself.

It is scary at first, but be reassured that you will survive. You will come out of this stronger and wiser. It doesn't seem so right now, but it WILL get better. "It's always darkest before the dawn."

You know he is caught up in a fantasy with the OW. You know that reality will get them at some point. His fantasy life WON'T last!! In the mean time work on you. Plan A!! Keep in mind that Plan A is intended to make you happier and stronger and not to necessarily "win" him back. It's possible at the end of plan A you may not want him back...then again reconciliation will be possible with two different, stronger and enlightened people.

Malcswife,

I really feel your pain. I have felt all the same things you are feeling. It's really awful. Take care fo yourself right now, do the reading that is suggested.

When you have calmed down, and don't worry, you will, it will help to plan what you are going to do...that is Plan A. It will give you a good sense of purpose, and a feeling of control over yourself...which is all you can control right now. Read up on Plan A, and remember, it's mainly about making yourself into the person you want to be.

Let his A burn, until it burns out. Be confident that it will!

Have special times with your kids. Take them to special places,this helps me alot. When I feel really bad, I will toss them in the car and we'll go see a movie, or go to McD's playground, or whatever! Take them to Wal MArt for a toy...they will be happy, and it will make you feel good.

As for the empty bed: I put a tv in my room to help me when H was gone...ok, it's cold and square, but at least I did not have to THINK much about who was not there and why. Distractions are really good...keep coming here to MB to read and "talk"...it helps.

malcswife:

The books really helped me the most at the beginning. My W never left, though. It's different. But I didn't realize at the time that, at some point, it's actually better to be in a situation where the WS is gone, than to have them there everyday to argue with and cry in front of. I think that's one of the factors that's protracted getting into recovery for us.

It's been 15 months since D-day for me (W had a remote A for 11 years). First 7 months were hell and heaven at the same time. Since then, we've been doing better and I'm on a much more even keel.

It gets better. And you have the forum to help you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-Qfwfq

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but you've come to the right place, you're getting some good advice here.
I know what you are feeling, time does help, but still everyday is different for me. Sometimes I think that I can't take another minute of feeling this way, lonely, hurt, scared and then other days I feel, I can do this...take care of 4 kids, pets, house, yard, job...it's alot but I'm one hell of a woman!!! And some day he's gonna realize what he's giving up!
I try not to read into every phone call or visit or action or statement...I've hooked up with some friends who have been sooo supportive, started going out socially with a group of friends and realize how much I've missed that, laughing, dancing, having FUN! At the same time I've distanced myself somewhat from those that don't understand that I want to save my marriage.
The kids have seen me cry, seen me angry, short tempered, I've done it all. I just try to explain that I'm sad that Dad's not here, that I'm not sure what's going to happen but that no matter what, I'll be here and we'll be OK!!
A counselor helps...working out, losing weight, reading, reading, reading.
Focus on you right now. If you want to save your marriage, it's mostly a waiting game right now(real hard to do)but in the meantime put the time to good use...YOU!
There will be good days and not so good, but come here to share the good, vent about the bad and find hope in the stories of others success.
Right now, sleep is VERY important, see your doctor, so far I've been able to put off the Anti-D's but I think it's because I'm getting more sleep.
Hang in there! If I can do this, you can too!!
I thought my husband adored me, never thought this could happen to US, thought our love would see us through anything, thought his kids were the world to him...It hurts, I know.
One day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to...

READ everything you can , talk to a close friend just ask them to listen not to advise (jmvho) Freinds and family tend to react to your emtion and don't want to see you hurt so they MAY BASH WS and you are sensetive .( belive it or not you will want to defend him)

NOw take care of you , I don't mean run from your emotions , but you have children and must take care of them . thats the hard part , do not feel bad that you will go trough feelings of not wanting to be bothered with them , THE its not fair that I have to suck up responsiblity and he don't .

He is rinning away from himself right now and won't get far .

The help you should seek is with your kids ask some one in family to come over and play with them if possiable a freind anyone close to them .

Just for some alone tome to cry as loud as you want , scream if you need , I was never on ANTI-D but think back and I probbly should have . But confronting all your emotions I think is healthy it is a process the good with the bad .

Some one said, the magic word GREIVE , it is true if you don't greive you don't heel .

This is terriable , horriable , and YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT YOU WILL!!!!!!!!!!

I went through it both ways him leaving and moving in with OW . And now coming home and having A in my face .

IT IS BETTER HE IS GONE !!!!

You may not think so now , but this gives you a chance not to have to bite your tongue or hold back tears cause you don't want him to see you like this . Also take advantage of the time away and start to make a new you reflect on yourself , what you did not like about M and your part in what you did not like . Find the person you were BEFORE 5 KIDS cause I am sure there is a differents . You are not just someones wife and mother you are a person.Who are you ? and who do you want to be ?

Ok I tend to talk to much , I get crazy when someone is upset. Take care of YOU . ASK for help with your KIDS .

TAKE care of your self !!!!!

Malcswife, I am truly sorry that you have to endure what you are. Your H's behavior is inexcusable and reprehensible. However, you can't control his behavior. The only thing you have control over is you. They say it will get better, and this site is a great place to start. The support you will get here is amazing. I would also suggest IC for yourself. You must take care of yourself, not only for you, but for your kids, too. It also helps to have a support system to help you get through this. Plan A will also help. Most importantly, prayer, which changes things.

My story: [URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=002681]

thank-you all ifeel better right now no telling where ill be when the kids go to bed, ill try to rest, when he left he gave me his teddy bear kissed it on the nose and said here you can sleep with him. he called,i let the kids get it he talked to them for awhile then he asked for me, something about money, i asked as cheerful as i could, didnt cry although just hearing his voice i wanted to scream come home! but i held on, just answered his questions,i could hear the saddness in his voice! he kept saying is there anything else? i just said ,no. the kids feel the same as i do keep wanting to do something, we made dinner, then we made chocolate pudding, now they want to go for a walk while we wait for the pudding, i dont care what he does with the ow she will never be as great as these kids!! im so glad you all ansewered i knew if no one did i would just break! thank you!!!

im gonna come back later and read it all over again!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i am where u are. i have 2 kids, wh left 12 1/2 wks ago to live a 22 yr old whore. i spent days-nigjts crying and getting physically ill. the nights got easier with some dr prescribe anxiety/sleeping pills, the days got easier w/anti depressents. being back at work has helped me alot. but, the weekends i am off i sit and think of what "they" are doing and that "i" am suffering and that he cares about her not his family. i am struggling w/the decision to divorce or not. this situation i am in is so awful and scary.

every day that passes and wh hasnt called to talk to his kids or to make plans to see his kids makes me madder and madder. the madder i get, the closer to stop being sad that i get.

however you do it..do it. my kids have been so hurt and i am all they have now.

im so sorry to hear your story, i thought i had it bad!my h is being a real jerk right now, very selfish, my d is cutting herself and he thinks she doesnt need him right now! the man i married would never have even thought of doing this! how blind they get! but he makes sure they have everything they need, and he keeps intouch with them he would come everydaybut i told him no no more cake eating, now he will only see them friday night and saturday, i want him to miss us mabey that will clear away some of the fog? i hope you are ok you and your kids, you think they are little, and might not have such a hard time but now i see, they have just as hard a time as everyone else probly worse cause they dont know how to express themselves,the older 2 are so drepressed, my 10yr old cant sit still she just has to keep moving, to keep her mind busy, the twins get upset at everything especially the girl shes been winning all day. how can anyone even think about putting these beautiful spirits through this? its so hard not get so angry and just push him away and file for divorce if he wasnt such a wonderful man before this i would have done it the second he hurt us, but i keep holding on hoping he will remember who he really is. hope things get better , god bless!

Malcswife,

R U writing about the other poster by going by the user name MALC? Just curious.

L.

no, i knew that would come up when iread some posts and saw there was a malc here,no iam only here as malcs wife, had a rough night!

Yeah, it's hard to give up on someone when you know that they are not at all the person you married, loved and cared for all these years.
That's what is the hardest, when trying to explain to someone why you are holding on, waiting, working so hard. Because I don't want this WH back, I don't even recognize this WH, I want my H back, that great, wonderful, loving husband and father! I don't know either how they can change like this. Read up on "FOG". Every WS is the same regarding this. It's really amazing.
We have to believe that somehow, sometime, our H will reveal their true selves again and want to come back to us.
But at the same time, we need to heal and make ourselves strong again not just for us but for our children also. If the M does not work out, despite our best efforts, we need to go on.
I hate to even think that far ahead, it hurts too much, but I know that every day brings me closer to being able to do just that if I need to.
Take care of yourself, today, don't think about tomorrow, it'll be here soon enough.

malcswife, One thing you really ought to do. You have 5 children. if you file separation, you need to ask the judge to give equal time in caring for the children. He gets them half the time.
Why? Because this spoils his little love nest fantasy!
I don't mean give up custody of your children. No mother wants that. I mean ask that he take the children half the time. Make it mandatory! yet you can have custody.
I know a couple who do this. They live in same town so dad gets them one week, mom one week.
There is a strategy to this. Because he is having all this free time to be with OW with no responsibility! Now he needs to still be responsible part of time for his 5 children. Giving you a break as well! This is during separation I say. let's see how long him and other woman like it when it's not fantasy land anymore, but reality!
God bless you, and heal your pain, LouLou

thats a good idea i never thought of it like that! although he has no where to take them, hes staying with his friend right now. but the arrangement we made is he has them friday night saturday day he will stay here at the house with them and i wil be with my mom,but imwondering if that is too easy for him? i dont know, i wish i knew what to do im so scared im going to be too easy on him,like im to nice? this is just so hard!and i hate it!im so afraid im going to do something that will cause him to go farther away! does loneliness take away the fog? am i doing something wrong?he was supposed to stay away till fridaty night but he showed up and took the kids to get ice cream,i was at church, i was alittle upset because i told him only friday and sat. but mabey i should take it as a good sign, i wonder if he saw my van outside if he would have still stoped? idont know im so tired but i hate to go to bed!bad dreams.

My H just stopped by after work, he was nice only because he wanted money. The riding lawn mower needs a new battery and I asked him where to get one, he just said Lowes and his brother maybe can put it in.

Then I asked him what he was doing for Easter and he said he didn't know. I told him that the 2 boys and I will go out to eat, because everyone else in both sides of the families are going somewhere else. Then his parents are coming to our house in the evening. What hurts so bad is he will spend it with her 3 daughters and not his kids. He gave me a hug and then left.

GET SOME SLEEP!!
I can't believe how much better I feel when i get a good night's sleep.
The sleepless nights were taking it's toll, I was more emotional, wondering if I needed anti-D's...
Figured I'd start with sleeping aids and I really feel the difference
My Dr. just suggested starting with Tylenol P.m. and it's enough for me.(I still can hear the kids & wake up and care for them if I need to)
Talk to your Dr. It may help you out a bit too.