as in my last few posts i stated that WH has not called to make plans to see his kids (one of which is from another marriage of his.) he has not called to see if they are even alive. he has just called to ask where the tax money is. and that was this last tues and the tues b4.

i do not know where to go from here. he is changing his addresses over to his whores house. he had me set up his army knowledge online acct to our email addy for army. he was living w/ow and WH called to say he needs to set up this ako acct and here is the ph num and the website to go do it for me, thanks. so i did it. he said he would be getting his monthly army notes from his reserve unit. so i regularly checked these two sites for him, 2xcitizen and ako. i got on last nite i hadnt checked in a few days and he had gone and changed the password and email addy that it went to. finding this out after trying the same same same password over and over i got really sad and wondered again about what to do.

where do i go from here? he wants a relationship that he and she based on lies and deciet. being that she was my "friend". he wants her and not me. he wants her and her family and not his children.

his mother emailed my sis in law to make reference to the fact that the sil and her never had problems and me and mil did. that she hasnt written sil because she wanted to avoid the problems happening in albuqueruqe. (referring to me and her son/wh) and i dont live in albuq i live in rio rancho. anyhow... she said that she loves her son and has to stand by him, she (sil) should understand that. she said that divorce is hard for everyone.

his dad was telling me 2 nits ago that wh left because he was so sick of me being so bossy that he had to leave. he said that there had been problems forever and you had to be a moron to not notice them. i said very calmly, he had the affair. he got mad and said that i had a part in that and i need to ask God for forgiveness in my part of that. i told him that if he was so miserable w/me then why didnt he take u up on the offer to move into the mobile home. he didnt have a thing to say.

i need to know in your humble opinions is this over. is the time he has been gone a factor-12 1/2 wks? is the fact that he is moving bills/email addys to her place a factor? is not calling/seeing his kids a factor? fact for me is i stayed in our marriage for better or worse, stuck it out this long. sure we had problems. he has/had a bad temper. his dad heard about that alot and said i pushed his buttons. his dad and mom apparantly heard that he was unhappy but i didnt. i still love him and still want things the way they were. i feel like every freakin day is a new day of this nightmare. every new day he doesnt call is one more stab in my heart. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kul,

Its over for you when you decide.

allot of what you said her makes me wonder what life would be like for you if you did get back together.

what would the in-laws be like? how could that be repaired? it would be total isolation from his family, he is clearly wired to be connected to them.

i always wonder about people who pine for the way things used to be. when its clear that the way things used to be wasnt all that they think it was.

I will never accept my marriage the way it used to be. It sucked for me. and my wife was oblivious to the pain as well.

I spent a great deal of time and energy trying overly hard to be what i thought she wanted me to be, i was wrong by the way, and she benefited from that while i languished in self imposed misery.

so while i was doing that i could easily say she made me miserable, but it was me all along.

your H may well have been miserable and its possible that it had nothing to do with you at all except that you are there. if thats true it will happen with the OW too eventually.

had to post this and maybe when you vets see my posts you will be fully informed of the state of mind my wh is in.

he sent a package in the mail for the girls for easter! he sent a card for each. each card said how much he loves them and that he looks at their pictures every day. also he included in these cards his business card with his cell number written on them. the oldests said Call Me! our 5 yr olds said on it have mommy call me so i can talk to you. love daddy. What in the H*%$ is that about! he cannot call them to talk to them. he cannot visit them. he sends a package because we live in hong kong..no we live 30 min from him.

as i see it, his whore wont let him get away so this was the only way to get something to them. my gut feeling is she is controlling him big time. leading him around by the nose. this situation is getting so disgusting!

any MB vets there.. if so, thanks for reading and replying.

I know it is hard, but please don't think of her as a whore. I have been guilty of the same thing. I really think that Harley is right that everyone is wired to have affairs. Some people know they could have an affair and so avoid building a relationship with another person of the opposite sex when they are married. Others are too arrogant, insensitive, stupid or something else to avoid building that sort of relationship. I am getting to a point in recovery where Sophia isn't a one-dimensional whore. And you know what? It doesn't matter what she was or who she was. My H made the choices that he did. I cannot protect him from the thousands of Sophias out there.

i still love him and still want things the way they were.
So looking back now to the last 6 months or so, you think it was good? Is that what you want back?

i need to know in your humble opinions is this over.
No.

is the time he has been gone a factor-12 1/2 wks? is the fact that he is moving bills/email addys to her place a factor? is not calling/seeing his kids a factor?
No. All this is so very typical. You're situation is not unique.

How is the Plan A coming along?

hello everyone. i really have to decide what i am going to do. my wh hasnt called. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> hasnt called even for his children <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . he is done. gone. OR she is putting the pressure on him. i am TRYINIG to hold out on the later as long as i can. but i really think that this no contact with me/children and the fact that he hasnt helped w/money in one month (2 checks of his) that he is up to something. maybe saving for a lawyer! anyway. i am bumpin up for more advice/responses. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME/HELP!!!

i really have to decide what i am going to do.
Didn't you decide you were doing Plan A?

As far as where is the money going, maybe saving for a lawyer? You don't know that. I can think of a dozen other possibilities as to where the money is going.

He does have a responsibility to pay you CS, so, he can "pay you now, or pay you later" either way, he will pay.

Stay on top of the child support issue. You need it to help you support the kids, and he needs it to face the reality of his decision. This is the way it is for the next what ever years, unless he decides to get his head out of the fog and work on the M.

i am trying plan A. the last time we had a conversation a few sundays ago..maybe like 3. he was yelling i want a divorce...i was calling her a whore. he never said she wasnt. he told me he is living w/someone he had a affair w/and has deep feelings for, then immediately said who i love. then that tues he left a msg on my cell that its almost tax day and wanted to remind me. i never called back. it was a reminder call. anyway, the next tues, tax day, he said he is going to do his own taxes unless i have done ours. so i had to call back. it was about the taxes, and i was off. no conversation. since then, no contact w/us at all. this no contact by him is making me crazy. yesterday was 13 wks. and he shows no signs of getting out of the fog. i think about his promises when he left me for her. he promised he wasnt going to removed my name off of his arm (i know i am wierd, but he got that for our last anniv 9-5-02.) He said he is leaving me on his life insurance so i can take care of his kids if he dies. he said i could have everything and he would take his bills that he had. he said he would help me w/the kids. so far, i have seen or heard nothing about that. muchless the fact that his 5 yr old misses the hell out of him! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

well, that is my update for today. if anyone has any words or wisdom, or just some words for me, i appreciate it!

bump

kuljey:

Words of wisdom? Hm... I guess the wisest observation I can make is that your H is still following the WS script to a T.

I am weak on the legal issues, so someone else will have to fill you in on those.

What I think is important is for you to give us a progress report on how YOU are doing. How are your kids doing? And since they're not happy, what are you doing to help them feel better? Like Mortarman said to Marathonman today on his thread, the better you are at being a mom to HIS kids, the better you'll look when he starts to come out of the fog.

And THAT's the BS script! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
-Qfwfq

I truly feel for you--I remember this time in my H's A and I was a crazed lunatic. And he was making every effort to see our D. But I do have some advice. In my humble opinion (based on my own experience) you need to SLOW down your mind. Stop the racing thoughts and worries and concerns about her and even your H. You have NO control over what either of them do. But you DO control your own actions and reactions. If you are spiritual, pray to your God, breathe deeply, quiet your mind. Whether your H is with you or not, you are an AWESOME, wonderful creation. You are obviously a caring mother. Look within yourself and KNOW that you are a valuable human being and then begin acting that way for yourself. Treat yourself right, don't worry what he is doing or not doing other than legal things like child support. His actions (not seeing the kids) are his responsibility, not yours. Keep being a great mom to them, offer them empathy and loving support. Concentrate on yourself--there are probably some things you could improve upon that had an impact on the M and probably even the rest of your life with others as well. Start working on that, take care of your kids, pamper yourself, make your own life. Act kindly to H whenever you talk to him, try to display your changes in yourself. And that is ALL you can do right now! Take it one day at a time. I PROMISE things will get better, even if only in the tiniest increments.

Hang on--you are walking a righteous path. In the end, it is all about how you conduct yourself and your own character. H is responsible for his own and you can't make him do or feel anything. You are not alone. This is hard, but you CAN do it!

am trying plan A. the last time we had a conversation a few sundays ago..maybe like 3. he was yelling i want a divorce...i was calling her a whore
Not really Plan A, is it. The last conversation he has is with you love busting.

Don't do it. No matter what he does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong> am trying plan A. the last time we had a conversation a few sundays ago..maybe like 3. he was yelling i want a divorce...i was calling her a whore
Not really Plan A, is it. The last conversation he has is with you love busting.

Don't do it. No matter what he does.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, yea i did. It was like 3 or 4 wks ago. we havent talked but for 3 minutes about taxes since then.

He was yelling at me about divorce, rubbing his whore in my face..and i lost it..POW!!!

his dad told me yesterday he is NOT calling to see or talk to the girls because all we do when we talk is argue. so, now his mom and dad think that its MY FAULT. w/my wh its my fault..he left cuz of me...wont see his kids because of me! i cant take this anymore. i havent done **** but try to be the best i can.

granted me and the kids dont go anywhere that costs money cuz we are broke but.. we watch movies together, we talk, they sleep with me sometimes, we go to where my family lives and sleep over (in the mountains) and they have lots of peaceful fun, i take the oldest (whs daughter) to soccer, girl scouts. so, i am taking care of us as best as i can..just going a day at a time! do things really one day at a time!!!!

just wrote the reply above. and sitting here reading other ppls posts, i cant help but think..why did my husband do this..why is he doing this. i loved him. faults and all. i stuck by him FAULTS AND ALL.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kuljey,

I guess I could be considered a veteran but don't offer nearly the same wisdom. My story is not "over" yet. I am not a "recovery" success. However, when I read your posts, I see much of who I was in the beginning ...desperate...blaming...asking the dreaded "why" and "how could you" questions thinking this would make my H feel remorse. NO WAY...actually quite the opposite.

I know, from my own crushing pain, that it is hard to find strength to live each day but if you want to build the foundation for your recovery, it is the ONLY way.

Believe in who you are, believe in God, believe in the power of faith...smile...don't think about THEM. Think of you and your family.

When your H comes around, demonstrate strength, portray the vision of calmness and acceptance. Work towards this, Kuljey. Become the best that you can be.

Yes, it will be the hardest thing that you do. Yes, it will be painful but you need to take control.

You have received excellent support on this board from so many good people. Read and re-read. I would not have made it this long without my MB friends.

Thinking of you

last night, i cried myself to sleep. literally! i was talking to God, asking him why, to help me, that i want this nightmare to end, and i want my husband back. then woke up at 4am. again, thinking about my family.

i cant really do a plan A now,he doesnt call. He told his dad he doesnt call because i argue with him. his dad said this is very hard for him. i guess about the kids. please, what about me and the girls. its very hard.

i want my nightmare to end. i want my husband home. this is not right.

bump for responses

friday nite a friend and i went out--i was so excited to be out of the house. i met up w/a guy the OW said was her boyfriend for awhile. dating back when she talked about the boyfriend, it was the same time as when she started having the affair w/y husband. this guy, from what she said, really liked her. she described very detailed stories of what they did, what time she got home, him calling all the time, giving her a ring. i got brave and went up to talk to him. he said that the OW is his sisters friend, and he knew she liked him, but he had NEVER went out with her at all. the look on his face was priceless. he was disgusted about the affair w/my wh and that he left to live w/her. he said she has serious issues, and was going to tell his sister about this. my friend and i were in complete shock!!! she was more of a liar than we thought. when i found out about the affair 12-13-02 my WH told me he was jealous of this guy, that he kept telling OW that hearing about him made him jealous.

this friend of mine was curious as to where wh and ow are living. so i took her down to the 'hood'. she said that it was the bad bad part of town. on the way down ows block, there was a guy standing outside--in the pitch dark, and my friend said, oh look, he is selling drugs. so we drove by ows little house behind her grandmothers. we saw my whs car and the lights on. i left that area so mad. thinking, oooh, they are out in her car, having fun, getting to go out!! i kept going over the fact that i have no $$, all the resonsiblity, and they have none. so my friend and i went over where they could be, and she was just as angry as me about the fact that he and she get to do whatever, whenever. we both have little ones at home waiting, so we decide after just talking and driving around that its time to call it a nite. i tell her, so i can feel better, can we go by there again to see if he is home, it will make me feel better. (he never would go out, or stay out late w/me.) well, we drove by and guess what we found, ow car still gone, and now my whs car is gone and the lights are off. so, he was home alone and then left. its now like 1030pm. my friend right away speculated that something was up, that they were probably fighting. there are many possibilities, but one thing for sure is, he was home alone. hmmm.

tommorow is 14 weeks that he has been one. its been one month already since he has seen the children. and that time was at the emergency room, very briefly. he seems to be really really committed to staying with her. wh seems to have no sign of coming out of the fog. what to do..???

Kuljey,
You can't make him see the kids, I guess, but have you tried setting up regular visitation? Is that one of the things you argue about?

What happens if you call and say, "lets set a regular night for you to see the kids. What night is best for you?"

My H had his visitation at my (our) house because he didn't have a suitable place to take them, and there's only so many trips to the mall and/or pizza, fast food one can do. If I had something to do, I'd go do it. Or I'd stay home and give them space...or join them if it seemed ok and I wanted to.

And, if you call, don't lovebust, don't yell, don't argue. Just say that he should see the kids, when is it convenient?

What about your in-laws, are they near-by? If so, do they want to see the kids? I can understand that you don't want the kids to go to the house with the OW...is the in-laws house for visitation an option? What would happen if you asked them?

The FIL doesn't sound like too great a guy either, to blame you when his son is clearly being a deplorable father & husband (don't mention any of that to him), but if you want to keep the family communication with them open, I don't see that it would work to your disadvantage. Unless they are horrible too, then don't bother putting yourself through the effort.

Like Terrified says, this is an awful time for you. At times her separated-H spends time in her house with their daughter.

I realize your H hasn't called, but if you are doing Plan A, I'm not sure why you haven't touched base with him--not to argue or at this point talk about your relationship--but to discuss kids, finances, the daily issues.

The OW is young, she's a liar, no morals, she betrays friendships and then is hateful to the betrayed friend (you)...she's not exactly a keeper.

Do whatever you can to be a positive contrast to her.