I am in a serious dilemma. I've been thinking about the talk I will have to have with the kids when my wife and I separate. I am going to tell them the truth about everything. I have pretty much figured out what to tell them without it coming across as just bashing there Mom. I have made some mistakes in our M too and will own up to those without sounding like I as well as they deserved to be treated this way.

The part I'm having trouble with is explaining the OM role in this. If I tell them exactly what I think of someone who does this sort of thing it will make it very difficult on my wife's relationship with him because the kids will not like him at all. If I try to sugarcoat it and act like it was just a mistake he made I don't feel like I'm sticking up for my kids the way I should. This man played a part in the break-up of my children's family, all for his own selfish desires. How do I just "try to get along" with someone who is going to do something to my children that will affect them negatively to varying degrees for the rest of their lives? I don't know if I'm being rational or not, this is such an emotional issue. I try to put myself in my kids place and figure out how I would want my Dad to handle this. I think I would want the truth from him about what he thinks of what this OM did. Then since this is the man my Mom has chosen to be with I would give him a chance to prove that he was a decent human being and just made a big mistake.

Then I think that if I made the mistake of getting involved with a married woman as soon as I found out her H was a good man and how hurt their children would be I would end the R immediately. I don't care how much in love with the woman I was. He knows these things about us yet he continues with the R. Sorry this is rambling but it is a very tough issue for me.

starman, do you want your kids to like or respect a man who is committing adultery with your wife? Why? What is there TO respect? Wouldn't that be sort of sick and send them the wrong message? I would suggest telling your kids the truth, in an age appropriate manner, and teaching them that this is very immoral and that adults sometimes have very poor judgement. Kids pretty much know right from wrong and when adults fail to acknowledge it, it just confuses them.

I would be doing everything possible to protect the kids from her sordid affair and try to prevent them from meeting the OM. The OM is certainly not committed to your wife and will probably go away soon anyway. You don't want your kids exposed to a parade of creeps that go in and out of her life.

<small>[ April 20, 2003, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

That's true. It turns out to be a VERY good thing that I held out with the kids. If my WW is going to use this kind of judgement picking men I am really going to have to stay on my toes.

JMV,VHO, but tell the truth to your kids. Or I should say tell the facts. They deserve nothing else. Truth tends to be in the eye of the beholder but the facts speak for themselves. Don't say "OM is scumbag who is destroying our family and deserves to be whacked with a shovel". This my (and probably is) true, but that's your perspective. Tell them WS is involved in an inappropriate R with OM and this is making it difficult/impossible to fix the M. Of course, that'll have to be in terms your kids can understand, and I don't know how old they are, but you get the idea. DO NOT SUGARCOAT anything. Don't try to protect anybody except your kids and yourself.

Best luck to you.

MTD

I might just get a raised brow for this suggestion, but I think its BOTH your wifes and your responsibility to tell them together...even a third party present could be helpfull in your present situation ( eg councellor).

kids need to know they are loved by both parents even if one isnt draggin the wagon ...... but its important to their growth.

Yes they need to know their mum is with another and your family unit is not what it was, that you dont like what is happening to your unit but it is out of your control.

I do believe your wife should fess up to her deeds in kiddy language to your children....could very well send a shiver down her own spine as an added bonus.

I do wish you well starman and I am so sorry you are at this stage.

Take care

Dino

starman, I agree with much of the above, but I would emphasize that in addition to the facts, that you give them some context to the story. They need to know that what happened was wrong and why it is wrong. That is the kind of guidance kids need in order to learn right from wrong. Don't leave them to figure that out on thier own, they don't have the experience or judgement to do so and will only be confused. They sense it is very wrong and will be reassured by your telling them the truth. There is no virtue in moral neutrality or blindness. Good luck, starman.

Starman - when I separated, I used phrasing suggested by Steve Harley, to the effect that I could not get back together with their Mom while she is seeing other guys. You don't have to talk about sex, pass judgement, deliver moral lectures, or anything else. But this simple statement gets the message accross.

Since my kids had already met at least two OM before I moved out, I did not think this would be challenged - but it was. They told my kids they met at a different time and a different place than they really did. The grocery store, I kid you not! Now my stbxw has moved on to another guy, who was a friend of OM #2, although to my knowledge they did not have an affair before I moved out. But still, they give a revised history on the new boyfriend. From this experience I would suggest:

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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't demonize or fixate on the first OM, since there may very well be a parade of them later.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't push your kids to agree with your version. They'd rather not take sides. It's enough that they understand your position.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't freak out when OM spends the night in "your" house with the kids. First, you can't control it. Second, you'll need to pick your battles on OM's influence with your kids - some of these guys have issues beyond adultery!</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck...