Hi all for those of you who have been following my posts I sure appreciate you listening to me vent.

I have endured my W's two year A and many false recoveries and being treated like crap all along the way. This latest round of supposed recovery seems to be sincere on her part. I guess I just feel like there is so much more she should be doing. She said she wants to take it slow (as do I) but I am still scared, yet emotionally strong enough to deal with another false recovery.

My questions. What do you think she means to "take it slow"--I mean I really don't want to be an experiment to her until prince charming comes along. Her A is over and she told me I will never have to look over my shoulder again...I have heard that before.

We had Easter breakfast together with our three daughters and it was nice and we laughed and had fun but something still didn't feel "right"

She told me she wants me but wants to take it slow. I understand the take it slow part but how can she go from "I love you but I am not IN love with you to...I want you." I mean if she doesn't love me...then why bother? Am I going to hear those words ringing thru my head the rest of my life and wonder if she is wishing she could be with someone else? I know her actions should be my guide to the truth and she is being extremely nice. BUT something is just telling me that she would be doing more if she REALLY wanted me back.

Is it her pride? If she really wanted me back why wouldn't she call me everyday to say hi. To say ILY, to say lets make this work? Why wouldn't she come over and say lets talk. She so desperately wants me to pretend nothing ever happened but I am afraid that history would be doomed to repeat itself if we just sewpt under the carpet. What things would a repentant spouse be doing? A truly repentant one. More importantly what SHOULD THEY be doing? How does one know if their spouse really is sorry and really does love them? How do you know if you don't have to worry about infedeility again? We are offically Divorced and she let it go this far? Why? I want so bad to trust her but I can't seem to grasp her motives now.

HELP

RLY

My questions. What do you think she means to "take it slow"--I
You need to sit down and discuss it. Then come up with CONCRETE actions both of you will take, not, “think about doing.”

For instance, get into counseling and set a date to have the 1st appt completed by.

Both of you will account for 100% of your time away from each other.

Agree that you will set aside xx hours per week (ideally 15) to spend doing something that requires interaction with each other . No kids, no movies, no going out with friends, etc. Go for a walk, putt-putt golf, etc.

BOTH of you need the wise counsel of the Harley's, Michelle Weiner Davis or Penny Tuppi(our resident MB coach known as Cerri) to have a custom made marital recovery plan with homework assignments that will not only help you rebuild your marriage BUT gain each others trust with actions that prove your mutual committment.

If it helps any, what your description of your W's behavior is standard for someone just starting reconciliation.

If nothing else, she doesn't want to invest too much in something that may fail. So what's normal? Invest a little, see what happens, then invest some more if it works. Maybe she doesn't REALLY want you back yet. But she wants to be around you to try. That can be enough for now.

That's what the concrete actions and homework assignments (talking about A, discovering ENs, rebuilding trust, protecting emotions, etc) will do for you and your W. It may be that she doesn't really know what the best thing to do right now is. Heck, you sure don't seem to know.

For now though, you don't have to trust her completely and you gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself in case it comes crashing down again.

Consider that for her to have done what she did, she may have been pretty messed up for a while. It's going to take a while for things to be right again. A lot of folks don't go to ILY right away. In fact, I think there are plenty of people who may say ILY too easily.

Est-

Thanks for your reply. I understand 110% what you are saying. My question is why does she say she wants me but wants to take it slow?

If she doesn't want me then she shouldn't say that. Its simple to me, maybe I am too black and white

"Take it slow" means don't push or pressure her into intimacy that she doesn't yet feel. I don't know how long the A has been over, but its going to take some time for her passionate feelings for you to return.

She may still be withdrawing.

She may know "logically" that she made the right choice to be with you, but she may not feel it yet.

She may not feel the conviction that you want her to feel, but at least she's willing to try. You need to appreciate that.

Lexxy-

I understand what you are saying thank you. Trust me I won't pursue or pressure her. In fact I don't know if I will pursue a relationship at all if she doesn't show that kind of conviction. I have basically been told thru her actions that I am not worthy of her for long enough. At this point I don't have to accept anything but 110% effort. Because thats what I have given, even when I suspected her "A" (2 years) if that isn't paitence and love than I don't don't know what is.

The Wayward spouse isn't the only party with un met needs. But you are right, there will be no pressure, thats why I am saying here instead of to her that I feel she would be doing more if she wanted me AS SHE CLAIMS. If I don't "do it" for her than why bother?

???

A few thoughts....

#1
W may be 49% not want you. 51% want you. But because of the way some things need to be stated simply, it gets interpreted/said as 100% want you.

#2
Someone wants to go into the pool, but the waters cold. Some will jump in, but a lot of folks will tip-toe in because to go in more quickly will make them feel very uncomfortable.

#3
It may help to consider your rebuilding of trust for W. Why can't you just trust someone? Sounds simple, eh? The mechanisms and timing are probably similar for both your trusting her and your wanting to work on it.

#4
Since you suggested it, I would agree that some of your questions are showing signs of too much black/white. Changing feelings is usually not an on/off switch. Glad you decided to be patient about stuff, though.