Basiaclly, the post title says it all.

I am in SUCH a RAGE tight now and I hate feeling this way...I feel so destructive and I just want to lash out at X because he is baiting me and I feel those old behaviors of having to "defend" myself.

You all know about the "incident" that happened on Easter. I guess I'm still triggering from the holiday or something because I am irrationally ANGRY.

DS told me that X's GF was extremely sad because her MOM died on EASTER. I felt bad for her, but I was angered that she was putting this SAD event into my son's life - where it doesn't belong!!! I need to check in for YOUR views here. If I'm wrong, then I will be open minded. Why does a FIVE year old need to know about AM's issues? It's HIS holiday. Now he will forver be trying to ease HER pain instead of enjoying the day for what it is... Is this an irrational concern on my part?

Then X sends me an email:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, I continue to try to be nice to you and try to remain friends, and yesterday I was hurt that you came right out and said you hated me when I have done nothing to you lately to deserve that.
I've been nice to you, and you come out and say you hated me with Stephen in the same room.

I felt I didn't deserve what you dished out yesterday and its not fair. Especially on Easter and Stephen in the same room.

What the hell did I do to you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The part I'm angry about is that he again is repainting the events...he was the one looming over ME. He was the one antagonizing me. He was the one with the boundary issues. He also stated that he HATED me!!! Where is HIS accountability. I'm tired of being the only BAD GUY. He is not being nice to me...he is just keeping the peace because he wants things HIS way.

Yes, I was wrong when I finally LOST it and LB'd. I was wrong. I feel SO awful.

Then I receive ANOTHER email:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need to go to Florida this weekend.

I leave on Friday, and will be back Monday afternoon to pick him up from School.

As I mentioned in my voicemail Sat morning, he did not go to swiming lessons this past Saturday since he had his bad cough.

OK?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO. YOU were just out of town tuesday, wednesday, and thursday!!! It's a problem if you want to be the custodial parent. I feel like I'm being DUMPED on here.

I am MORE than willing to take DS, but I hate this...While he's gone this weekend, I'm getting EVERYTHING from the house!

Help!

Hi Kily,

Are you sure that this is what you are really angry about? I don't see the problem with the AM talking about her sadness on Easter. It doesn't ruin your son's holiday in any way. I can tell you are angry about something here, and wonder i you aren't seizing on auxilary issues to express that anger. Could you be angry that your son is developing a connection to this person? Sometimes I get a twinge when my son expresses any kind of emotional connection to my XDH's gf. Do you think that is what is happening here?

No-

I try to encourage him to feel okay around her. I don't want him to feel like he has to have an allegience to either one of us.

Perhaps I am looking at this wrong. I just felt that her depression and not wanting to CELEBRATE would negatively affect him.

Maybe her sadness is just reminding me of my days during my depression. I'm thinking that this is a reminder of how dark I was around everyone and I'm afraid that he will have to experience this again with someone new in his life.

Thanks for questioning this. I'm in an uncomfortable place talking about this so I know I'm on to something...

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Kily, what do you mean she didn't want to "celebrate?" She wanted to CANCEL Easter dinner, festivities or something? Or did she just express her sadness? I mean, unless she cancelled Easter activities, I don't see how expressing sadness would effect him negatively; it is just a part of life. Is there more here to the story?

I guess there is.

It started on Saturday. I placed the call to X to let him know that I was taking DS at noon for dinner at 1. He had a FIT because he wanted DS to go to an Egg Hunt. I've given in EVERY holiday, but this time I felt that it was time for me and the kids. I didn't demand, I explained my POV - and X conceded.

Easter Sunday, my plans were cancelled due to illness. I called X and allowed him to keep DS until 3 so he could participate, AM and ALL!

Well I find out later that she and X were FIGHTING and she didn't go with them. When I got to the house, I didn't know this. I just felt awful that X and DS were so dissapointed by her withdrawl on trhe holiday. It pi$$ed me off becauseI would have paid a million dollars to be at that egg hunt with them!

My concern is that this will be the way DS celebrates Easter from now on. My ANGER is really more centered around the pain I'm feeling towards X, and the shame I feel at losing my temper. I HATE when I reduce myself to THAT level. It doesn't happen often, and I don't want to be that UGLY person that I am around him.

That's why I want to stay AWAY from him...

I'm so confused.

Kily,
Believe me, I know what you mean about the anger, and not wanting to be around him. It sounds like you and I are at a similar place in our journeys. I would not dwell on Easter too much. I've been back through your posts that I could find for the past 2 weeks and many things are going on right now for you. I would suggest trying to find a way to take a step back and try to settle down and get a different perspective on things.

TM-

I'm trying.

Every time that I get to that comfortable place where he is not around me and I am at peace, he seems to surface. This weekend was especially bad timing.

Today is a great example. He has sent me 3 emails 1/2 hour apart. In those emails there are small details, but the main point of them seems to be his demanding to know WHY I said that I HATE him. Why is he goading me?

I feel bad about that. Apologized on the phone for being so juvenille, but he keeps baiting me to ARGUE.

As far as his traveling this weekend his answer was pretty predictable. Why do I have to be accountable when you took off and didn't tell me...

I'm ready to ask him to see a counselor again so we can just GET IT OUT already!

Sure I could sit here and pour my heart into an explanation of my emotions. That I don't HATE him. My Hate is actually pain because he will not do what I want him to. (My issue) I've opened myself up before and have been kicked in the teeth. Doing that would explain things, but it would only lead to more abuse...

What CAN I do but to simply NOT answer and walk in the other direction? He believes what he believes. Nothing I say or do will EVER change that.

I WANT to be a better person. That is why I'm pouring my emotions out here. I sound so childish and I don't want to present myself that way to the "REAL" WORLD.

Kily,
You don't sound childish, cut yourself some slack. I've said before, I think your XBF and I are very similar (or were at least). My wife said once that I only understood negative things. I could not comprehend something unless it was negative toward me.
Example:
TM: Do you like my new hair cut?
Wife: No
TM: Why?
Wife: I just don't.
What don't you like about it?
I don't know, I just don't like it.
Why?
It doesn't look good on you.
Why not?
It makes your nose look big.
THAT WASN'T NICE!!

And that starts a whole new dialogue about bad things and my hurt feelings. It didn't need to get to that point, but I forced it to.

Also, he may be e-mailing you because it's driving him crazy that he doesn't know. Sounds very familiar. If I don't know something I HAVE to know, and I won't stop until I do. My opinion, he still has feelings the same as you do. He can't stand the thought that you hate him, he has to know why so he can control the situation. Does that mean you should just run back to him? NO! IMHO this is a temporary niceness that will disappear once the ball is back in his court. At least that's the way I always was. I couldn't stand not to be in control, I would do anything to regain control. Then I would go back to the way it was. I guess that's why I'm so afraid of my feelings now... but that's another thread.

TM-

What mad ethe cycle stop for you?

For me I woke up when my wife told me she wasn't happy, and wanted out. That was when I started going to the IC and realized that I had problems too, it wasn't all my wife. When I realized that I wasn't in control of my emotions I began taking the AD's. I've been going through a lot of self discovery the past few months, most good, some not so good. But, I couldn't change until I realized there was a problem. The 2X4 everyone uses around here; well it took a 6X6 post upside the head for me to realize something was wrong with me.

I've learned that my life was consumed with anger and resentment; and it has been there for MUCH MUCH longer than I realized. I have spent my entire life (at least since I was around 4) seeking and begging for acceptance and Love. I did whatever I thought others wanted to gain their acceptance and love. This has been a very difficult journey for me, and it's not over yet.

As I said the way that I'm feeling right now scares the crap out of me because now I'm questioning all of the changes. Have I really changed or is the old me still there? Maybe I really am doing the same thing I've done all along, changing to the situation until I regained control and now I'm slipping back to the old me. Now that I percieve some control (her showing signs of reconcilliation) of the situation I'm abandoning my "new" self and going back to the "old" me. I don't know, only time will tell.

I hope this helped some, and I haven't babbled too much. But, I suspect that your XBF has many of the same issues that I have/had and he seems to deal with them in many of the ways that I did. Honestly, he will not change until something forces him to realize the way he is, and he wants to change.

TM-

You have helped me MORE than you realize...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As I said the way that I'm feeling right now scares the crap out of me because now I'm questioning all of the changes. Have I really changed or is the old me still there? Maybe I really am doing the same thing I've done all along, changing to the situation until I regained control and now I'm slipping back to the old me. Now that I percieve some control (her showing signs of reconcilliation) of the situation I'm abandoning my "new" self and going back to the "old" me. I don't know, only time will tell.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I battle with this EVERY DAY! Some days it's just a hint in the back of my mind. Days like today it is so present and scary! That is why they call it a personal inventory.

Yes the old you IS there. Now, you have a choice. You will approach a situation with those old behaviors but the tools and resources are now in place to help you to think it through before you ACT. Each time this happens it will get easier because you are LEARNING the NEW behavior.

That is why I come HERE and cry and scream FIRST!

Kily,
Yes, this place keeps me grounded too. As I said with your X, he more than likely doesn't realize how destructive his behavior is. I don't know what it will take for him to realize the reality of his personal situarion, he may never. My father is still the same way. My mom left him after 20 years of marriage, and he still has not completely changed. To the rest of the world he has changed drastically, but toward my mother it is much of the same.

I on the other hand took the wake up call and am trying to improve my overall situation. Your X has been given his wake up call several times (we all get them, it's just a matter of how many times we hit snooze). It will be up to him when he decides to take his call and "wake up" from his agony. As I said, he is asleep now and is unknowingly living a nightmare.

Kily,
It looks like these fine people were available today and able to help you.

I'm thinking of you too. As far as exposing DS to the death of GF"s mom, I think that's perfectly acceptable. Death is a part of life, and it's better that children see adults grieve and experience death than to act like it never happens.

I have orders for you, dearest. Calm down, and next time you're with ExBF please bite your tongue as much as possible. My concern is your son. It WILL harm him to hear you and his daddy expressing words of hate. Forget about the harm in DS being exposed to someone's death, Kily--your words and your ex's are far more harmful to him, don't you think.

Please put your son first, as I know you always do, and you'll be able to find it easier to bite your tongue and not say 'mean' things to exH.

Here's two of my favorite quotes to share with you. I truly love these:

"Would you rather be right, or be loved?"
and
"A team of wild horses cannot withdraw the spoken word."

Please think of your son, and calm down. Look to the future, Kily.

I don't understand why your ex keeps emailing you all the time. If I were you, I would ask him to not send emails unless he has a concern about your son. And...he need only send one, and you'll respond as soon as possible. If you need to , block his email address and give him one that's only for communication about your son. Remember...

"It takes two to tango."

I blocked OM from sending me emails. It works splendidly. It's funny, Kily. I send exH emails about once a week--where I proclaim my love for him, etc. He never answers them, and I never bother him about any of it. It sounds to me like your exBF is really bothering you, and I don't like that.

Hope I read your thread carefully enough to have added something of value for you! How is the Samsara? Is there any left? My new favorite is Angel Innocent...

Take care,
H_P

Kily,

You have been so helpful to me, I wish I had some advice for you as well. I am certainly sorry to hear of all your troubles of late. It sounds like a very trying time for you, though I know with your intelligence and insight that you are going to handle this the right way.

Like I said, I'm not the best at giving advice at the moment, but I'll be thinking and watching, and I'm a big cheerleader for you, for I know from all your posts to me that you're one of the best here. Thank you for your inspiration, and may you find peace yourself as well. I hope this ugliness will soon pass for you.

ALS

HP!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have orders for you, dearest. Calm down, and next time you're with ExBF please bite your tongue as much as possible. My concern is your son. It WILL harm him to hear you and his daddy expressing words of hate. Forget about the harm in DS being exposed to someone's death, Kily--your words and your ex's are far more harmful to him, don't you think.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ABSOLUTELY!!!

That's why I came here. This was SO not me! I usually am very good at keeping my emotions at bay. It seems that the more I stay away from X, the better I get, UNTIL I have contact. Then I get irrationally ANGRY. I find it very confusing and distressing. I especially don't want to hurt DS. I've been trying so hard to show him a centerd accepting person. The last thing I want to do is to put him in conflict again.

That particular incident I was VERY calm the whole time. He continued to invade my personal space by looming over me and demanding answers from me. That is no excuse to say hurtful things. I don't really feel that way towards him, either. I still want to love him, I'm hurting because I have to let go of that.

I just knew that by looking at him in the eye and giving him those words, the pain would be inflicted and his intimidation tactic would be blown away. I wasn't even aware that DS was in the room. Still, that behavior is something I want to leave in the past with that "R". I know that I can do better than that - for all of us.

ALS-
Just knowing that people are there to lean on, and value me as a person, helps tremendously.

Thanks.

Kily

Well, I just want to say "I KNOW!!!!!". When I am away and distant from H I am fine. If I get an e-mail or something, I feel anger, upset, want to tell him what I really think about the situation. Of course, as you know, when I met him (which is 5 weeks ago now), I really lost it.

Like you, I think it is that we both do still care, we would still like our chance to make amendments and show our Xs that we are good people, foolish perhaps, but ones that have learnt our lessons the hard way. It seems unlikely that either of us will get that chance and sometimes that hurts doesn't it?

Don't worry, as ALS said, it will pass, the peace will come back.

Take care of yourself and wishing you well from sunny warm London.

Lisa

Lisa-

Thanks. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy. Sometimes I think I am the "stalking" xgf. Maybe this is a normal part of the grief cycle.

At least you're lucky because he doesn't constantly try to goad you into dialogue with him. I was thinking last week that it was time to go officially into PLAN-B, but I keep talking myself out of it. The thoughts that run through my mind are:

"You walked out, he's with her...this letter is pointless."

and

"He doesn't give a damn if you lived or died, why bother being vulnerable again. It just makes you look desperate."

I guess I need a new way of doing things though, because it's obvious that THIS isn't working. It's like we're stuck again, just with another person in the middle...does that make sense to anyone?

So I guess Plan-B would free me from this type of interaction.

OK, maybe you did walk out, but it seems clear to me that your love for your X is draining, and the point of Plan B is to protect that, irrespective of who walked out on who, given that you like me are now in ways the BS. I know you weren't M, but in your heart and soul you were, and would have been given the chance.

Kily, you need to put yourself and DS first, that is the most important thing. And frankly, he clearly does still care about you otherwise why all the dialogue and the upset about being "hated" by you? You are the mother of his son, you will always have that bond, you will always have that between you.

Lisa

P.S. No, I think we must all have the crazy "bunny boiler" bits in us..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa-

Yup- you're right. I've already made a sappy attempt at a plan-b letter. I guess now it's time to get down to business.

A funny thing just happened on another post. It hit me...What would I do if X decided to recover today? I can't say that I would be welcome to that idea any longer. What does that say about where I am at? This "desire" is now more about giving the kids what they deserve than it is about the life that we could have together. Is this another step in the right direction?

Kily

You and I are a month apart from when we registered. My friend asked me on Monday "Would you still want to get back with H?". Honestly, I don't think I could. That doesn't mean that I don't miss him. That doesn't mean that I don't worry about how he is and his behaviour/well being. That doesn't mean that I don't bitterly regret everything that happened. But so much has happened, and I wonder whether H would ever forgive me and would always be angry. I couldn't live with that, and I also know I have grown considerably since last July.

Take care.

Lisa