I have been "separated" for five months after she found out about my affair. I stopped seeing this woman two months ago after I realized that I didn't really know what I wanted and I was tired of lying to everyone. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my marriage and I was seeing a psychologist to help with severe depression. I called the OW last night and we went out again. MW came to my apt banging on the door and screaming to let her in so she could see who was with me. I opened the door and tried to just talk to her but she pushed me out of the way and forced her way into the bedroom were a scuffle insued to get her out of my apt. I then called the police on her to tell her to stay away. I was a bit intoxicated and not thinking clearly. The OW was in my bed. My problem is that I don't want my marriage to end. They say you don't know what you have until it is gone. That seems to be the story of my life. I have done a lot of soul searching this weekend and I honestly want to change my life. I spoke to the OW and told her it was over and not to call or write me anymore. MW told me it is over. She won't answer my calls and won't respond to emails. I realize I am totally wrong and I am embarrased with myself. How do I show her that I truly love her and keep her from officially ending the marriage?

Glad you came here. Be patient, some well versed people will be with you in the morning I'm sure, to give you better assistance than I could.

Read this website in its entirity. Read posts in the forums. Do not contact the OW again. See a medical doctor to get you on antidepressants. Study, ask question here and stay away from your OW if you don't want to end up divorced, hurting your wife, children, family, friends anymore.

No more phone calls to the OW. No more emails to the OW. No more contact with the OW is the first step. ONLY after ALL contact has ended, only then can your wonderful wife even begin to trust you again.

Tell us more about your situation, how the affair started; ages of you and W, children and the OW. What background do you and the OW have. How long have you been married...?

Others will be here in the morning to post their thoughts. I'm off to bed.

Hello Imdisturbed,

Welcome to MB.You have already started to turn things around by looking for help here.
But it's going to be tough. After all, your wife is hurting badly, and she will be very angry.She is going to have to learn to trust you again.

You need to read as much as you can about building marriages. Get the books-Surviving an Affair and His Needs,Her Needs.

But most of all you need to show your W by your actions that you are remorseful, that you love her , that you want to rebuild.Is she the most important person in your life? She needs to know that she is, and she ain't gonna believe you if you just tell her! So, tell us a bit more about you and your situation.How long have you been married.Kids? Work situation? where did you meet OW? No Contact with OW is essential.

Do some nice things for your wife-.What things did you used to do that were special? Do something to make her remember that, so she know YOU are thinking about it too. A special song? Only you will know what will work.

I am a BS myself, and I know that these things would make me feel more like trusting my WH.

Good luck-it's going to be hard and slow but it's worth it.

Keep posting

Deluded

It will take ALOT to demonstrate to your wife that you do want your marriage after what she saw yesterday. She can only go by your actions and your actions say otherwise.

Do you really want her or do you just want what you can't have? What has changed between now and 2 weeks ago that suddenly made you want your wife?

I would give that question a lot of thought before you bother her again. Its not fair to her if its the latter, especially after the horrible treatment she has already received.

Thank You to all that have helped so far.

I am 26/male and W is 31. We have no children. We met in 1994 when I started volunteering at an ambulance squad. We have been friends ever since. We have been together 2 1/2 years and married almost 1 yr. I was in an abusive relationship and MW would offer advice and an ear to me constantly. I eventually ended the relationship and started seeing MW. We dated for five months when we were engaged. I knew this was the woman for me. I was certain! We were married 1 yr later in a beautiful ceremony.

Three months after we were married I started experienced severe depression. I was always angry and easily agitated.I am currently in treatment for major depression. I am being evaluated for bipolar disorder. Not sure what's going on there. MW has always beent there for me and I have taken it for granted.

The OW is 23 and from another ambulance squad. I have known her for three years but hadn't really been friendly until 9/02 when we met again at a convention. Soon after, we started talking more and eventually became more involved. I never loved the OW. I am still not sure what attracted me to the OW.

MW and I worked different schedules and I was alone often and go out with my friends a lot and started drinking a lot. My wife found emails I had written to OW and an unused condom in my jeans. At this point nothing physical had happened yet. I discounted my feelings. Later after counseling failed and I really wasn't sure what I wanted and I confessed to MW. She asked me to move out (no shock there) and a few days later she wanted to know if we were going to work things out. I really wasn't sure. I have A LOT of mood swings and I am not good at making decisions. I always feel it won't be the right one or I will miss something. I stopped talking to the other woman about two months ago and then I spoke to her last weekend and we went out. MW saw another car in my driveway and wanted to know who was there. This time she saw the OW in my bed. I am really embarrased at this point. I sat down after this and made list of all the good and bad things about MW. The bad list wasn't even worth writing, b/c most of it is a reaction to what I have done to her. I really don't think I am feeling this way b/c the first time she said it was over and I still wasn't sure what I wanted at the time. This woman is everything a man could ask for. I felt she was meeting my every need, except for time together. I wasn't willing to go for help or make any changes at that time. I joined this website, I am reading "After the Affair", "I Don't Want to Talk About It", and other articles on the internet I can find. I am making more appointments with my counselor for additional sessions. I am writing her emails, sending messages to her phone, talking to her friends, sending her flowers, and I am making a CD of love songs we used to listen too. I know she is devastated and I have destroyed her trust but I just want a chance to prove myself. She won't return my emails. She doesn't want any contact with me at all. I hope this is just for the short term, but I don't have high hopes right now. I permanently ended things with the OW and I am trying everything I know without harrassing her.

I apologize if this is too long. I have a lot going through my mind, and sometimes I have trouble organizing my thoughts to begin with. I am still trying to learn what all of the abbreviations are, so again I apologize.

Thanks Again for everyones help.