We are in Plan B, just for 7 days now. I would like to know what kind of information you all have given to friends and family.

Have you just told friends that you are separated and having problems, or do you let them know the truth - that your H or W has been involved in an A?

I have a close friend to whom I told the truth. She is there for me, but extremely critical of my H, and my fear is that if we do manage to hang on and reconcile, that she will never forgive him even though I have. Part of the problem is that this happened 10 years ago too, and she had a hard time with it then; now she is in the "I can't believe he did this to you AGAIN" mode.

My grown son knows the truth, and he will be there for me. Even though the H is his stepfather, he will also accept him and forgive him if I do.

Then there are the "lighter" side friends - those you might gather with for a Friday night Happy Hour but have no real ties to. But they are used to seeing you as a couple.

Finally, your office. I can't imagine letting my co-workers know all the dirt in my life. Well, guess I just answered that one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Appreciate your input and support. This is a fabulous board.

Hello ISGirl

IMVHO Some times is just to heavy to get all this burden on ones shoulders. I know you don't want to tell the world and maybe shatter more a realtionship already beaten. Tell those you feel can help you in recovering, either personal or M.

I don't think that telling the whole world might helps because not many people understand your sittuation and can not relate of help.

Take care

To those who are not close: “My husband and I are separated.”

To those who are close but not shoulders you can cry on. “ H is having an affair, he moved out. We are now separated. Who knows what the future will bring.”

To those who are your support system… give them more details. Just be careful because as you have already said, they could have trouble if you reconcile. You may want to discuss this issue with them… that your are not trying to destroy there relationship with your husband or any future you and your H may have together.

Think of it as giving information on a 'need to know' basis.

This is a very good reason why it’s safer to talk to a counselor.

One good way to tell people is to tell the biggest gossip you know. Then you will not have to tell many people… she/he will take care of it for you. I’ve done that before.. Told my mother. It was as good as publishing it in the New York Times and a lot cheaper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ May 11, 2003, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Tell the people who you are close to and who you trust to keep their mouths shut. In other words, tell people you are comfortable telling the whole truth to.

Tell acquaintances that are used to seeing you two together that you are simply separated, without mentioning the affair. If you ever get back together, do you really want them all to know??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for casual acquaintances and work colleagues. Tell them nothing. None of them need to know. If you are somewhere, and they ask where H is, just say he couldn't make it this time. I've been separated for nearly a year. At work, only a couple of close friends know that I'm separated, and none of them know it's related to an affair. It's none of their business, you owe them nothing other than your hard work.

Some self-righteous BS on MB will counsel you to tell too many people the truth (primarily with the intent of making your H look bad and you look good), when in reality, you have every right to privacy. Don't feel obligated to tell anyone. Tell only those that you are comfortable telling. You have every right to keep it a personal and private topic if and when you need to.

Tread lightly here. If your focus is on recovery, then you don't want the whole world to know, now do you? Otherwise you will become known as "the couple that survived the husband's affair."

Jen

<small>[ May 11, 2003, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

I will say way too many people know in my situation, and I really do want to change the situation, and even get away from some people... due to judgements, etc. Most people who have not been through this sort of situation, do not understand, and cannot see themselves forgiving, or doing such a grievous thing as have an A.

Hope and Wisdom to you, Honey

Honey, you are so right. Others not in our shoes are full of bravado - "I would never put up with it. The first time he/she did it to me I would be out the door." Yet, as in any situtation in life, we never know how we will react until we are faced with it.

Jen, good counsel. The only thing about work is I will have to tell my immediate supervisor. The reason has to do with vacation time. My H and I always take Memorial Day week off (our anniversary - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) and were scheduled for it this year.

Now I will be cancelling the time off, and I feel she (my manager) really needs to know. She and I have a very close working relationship, leaning toward friendship. She has been concerned about my not taking vacation time (I have a LOT accrued) and my company may be changing policy so it can't be carried over next year. So she is always pushing me to take time off before I lose it.

Now, you may ask, why don't you just take some time? Well, (1) I don't have anyone other than my H to travel with; (2) probably could not afford it anyway; (3) to take time and stay home is (a) boring and depressing; (b) impossible because the H has a home office and is still working here. We don't see each other at all or have any contact, because I am gone by the time he arrives from his apartment in the a.m. and he is gone by the time I arrive home in the p.m.

So, I think I will tell my manager this week. Plus, she needs to know why I have been so moody over the last 10 months.

Some self-righteous BS on MB will counsel you to tell too many people the truth (primarily with the intent of making your H look bad and you look good), when in reality, you have every right to privacy.

That was uncalled for Jen. MB is not about revenge.

A person should never, ever spread info about their spouse’s affair to make them look bad. It’s always important to decide who to tell what to, think of what your motives are first. Never, ever do so out of revenge.

MB suggests that the BS tell those who are close to the couple.. Extended family and very close friends. And perhaps at work if the affair is with a co-worker. The reason is not to make the WS look bad. The reason is two fold: An affair usually ends quicker in the light of day. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The second reason is that the BS needs to build a support system. Many times extended family and friends can help the WS realize the harm of what they are doing. Often a boss can put pressure on to end a work related affair.

If the WS has to face those they care about they are more likely to see the harm they are causing and stop the affair. Of course the problem with this is that if the couple reconciles, it can be hard for others to understand why the BS stayed with the WS. All I can say about that is that onlookers often have not had experience with infidelity in their marriage and still think that the only answer is the dump the WS. So being careful who you tell is important.

The other reason is that the BS needs a support system. Affairs are devastating. It is unfair for any WS to expect the BS to keep this huge secret for them. If the WS is so proud of what they are doing then why does it need to remain a secret? Why is the BS expected to protect the WS from their own actions, while the WS is doing anything but protecting the BS.

There is no need for the BS to bad mouth or spread ugly rumor. But there is also no need for the BS to keep huge, dark secrets. An example of what I mean here is that when my husband’s ex was having a affair he told only a few very close friends who tried to counsel her too. She and he are still close friends with the couple.

After she moved out, when people called for her after she had moved out with OM he did not take message for he. He was not going to play secretary for her or keep her secret. He was also not going to smear her or tell people ugly stuff. He simply told the caller that she no longer lived at home and gave the new phone number. Callers were able to put 2 and 2 together and figure it out, especially when OM answered the phone. But what’s wrong with that? It was the truth.

When his children asked why he had kicked their mother out of the house (her story), he told the children (about 9 and 11 at the time) that he did not kick mommy out of the house. He gave her a choice to either giving up OM to work on their marriage or to leave. (Plan B right?) She chose to leave him and their children. The kids were smart enough to see that mom had moved in with another man. They were a very strict Catholic family; the kids know what infidelity is. They figured it out.

My question on this is if the WS is ok with their continuing their affair, if they think that the OP is their soul mate and is worth giving up their marriage and family for, why do they care who knows about their affair?

What I did in my situation is that my husband and I got counselors. He ended contact right way. To date I only told my sister second sister (she’s had a lot of problems with infidelity in her relationship) and my husband’s sister. Apparently my husband’s sister told his mother though she has never brought it up to me. I have not and will never tell anyone else in my family or my close friends. They would never forgive him. I felt that I had to tell someone because my behavior was very odd for a long time after d-day. I was non-functional and my extended family knew something was wrong. My sister and sister-in-law kept the family at bay for me and helped me get through it all. I choose very carefully who I told.

(Of course I told everyone here on MB, but he was here with me too telling the same thing. Again it was not for revenge but for help and healing.)

Revenge was never a motivator, not even the slightest bit.

I'm sorry zorweb for that remark. It just feels sometimes like my H keeps on telling people to make me look bad, so he doesn't look bad having his stupid close female friends at his side all the time, so it's a sensitive topic with me.

I ended my A with d-day, and have done nothing but try to make it clear to my H that I've wanted to recover our M since d-day, but he keeps telling more and more people the dirty details of why we are separated. It hurts to have people who were your friends for a long time look at you differently like you're an evil person, especially when I've owned up to my mistakes and want nothing more than to save my M.

I am just having yet another very sad day. Sorry.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I can understand why you are sensitive about this topic. If only your H knew how many BS’s here on MB wish their WS had responded in the way you have. The title of WS is not usually one that is worn for life.. it is we all hope a temporary state from which one learns and grows, not all do. But the better among us do.

One of these days you may want to ask your husband to contemplate how he would like to be treated if it were he who had the affair.

I get a terrible feeling though that he is going to get a chance to live it on his own. He is obviously playing games with you and in his own way is having affairs. So one day he is very likely to wake and want someone (like you) to forgive him. By then he may have warn out any love you have for him.

What I find interesting in my situation is that my H was the BS in his previous two marriages. Both of his former wives walked out to live with their OM. The first one walked out in the first year of their marriage. The second one walked out after 14 years of marriage. He knows the pain of being a BS first hand. Yet he cheated on me. He says that it is God’s way of making him eat crow. He was very self-righteous, especially of his second wife. How could she defile their marriage covenant, and so forth? While he mostly said very little bad about her. Apparently to her he was very clear at his disgust at her actions. He says that after his affairs, he understands her better and is a much more humble person. I only wish I did not have to be a part of him learning that lesson.

Your husband may end up eating of that same portion of crow before this is all over.

My rule of thumb through all of this has been to repeatedly ask myself, “If I were he, how would I want to be treated.” We all make some pretty dumb, stupid choices sometimes. And we all deserve a chance to redeem ourselves. It is part of the human condition… it is so recognized in the Catholic Church that there are rights for it… confession and reconciliation.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:12 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>