Blah
Everyone here is being so supportive and helpful to you, I really don't know what to add in. But as a FWS and now a BS, well I'm going to jump in with a few comments. H_P said it so well as someone who has been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
You are a selfish, selfish man. You make assumptions about your wife who you have devastated by your actions, and still want your cake and eat it. Time and time again I have said on these boards "What I did was beyond comprehension to me, how could I have been so selfish and not seen the pain and devastation that would follow. But at least after d-day I stopped contact with OM pretty much immediately. At least I wasn't that cruel, insensitive and completely mad. I really don't know how anyone could continue on with contact knowing the utter pain and devastation they have caused to those they are supposed to love." Well, you clearly don't give a damn. If you did, you'd go cold turkey and give up OW.
If my words to you seem harsh, it is because my STBX (DV papers arrived yesterday, anniversary Monday, how ironic) didn't give me the one chance to work on our M, refused MC, didn't want to know, and then started up his own little love-in with a bimbette who is 16 years his junior. Am I angry, hell yes!!! And I get angry with people like you who come here whining about how hard it is to make a decision, and what a wonderful person OW is and your lovely wife, but you're just chucking it all up in the air, and I can tell you Blah, if the pieces land like mine did, well then you really will have problems.
Be a man, stand up and be counted and do the right thing. If OW is so wonderful (hey, wasn't your last thread about how she was playing you around, wouldn't let you have her phone number, introduce you to people etc. huuum, she sounds soooo great) she'll wait for you until you have given your M a fair chance (at least 6 months). If your M doesn't work out you can go back to her.
Take care.
Lisa

Lisa,
I was pouring through my old posts, I know I said I wouldn't post anymore but I wanted to respond to yours. I guess your post was one that I could understand because it deals with a person's(my) incomprehensible ability to hurt others, and how I have continued to do that since Dday one year ago. I am seeing that and knowing how wrong it is.

I am truly unsure about rebuilding the marriage, that I really love her enough, that we really can be what each other wants/needs, or that I am ready to personally make the comittment.

Our marriage is only on paper right now and when you talked about your divorce and papers and stuff, its all just process...I mean those things happen and we knew it when we strayed. I look at it this way, I need to be honest in my feelings, and communicate directly and face problems head on...not being afraid to tell my partner "this issue is SO big that it threatens our relationship" If I had done that a year ago, I would be more mature as a result...regardless if I got the divorce or stayed married or seperated..etc. We all make mistakes. I think the big problem for me is knowing what I need and being brave enough to accept it, express it, and REALISTICALLY compromise about it.

I took a week away from OW and wife no contact. My wife is pushing to move in with me, her lease is up soon. She is clearly at the end of her rope with the marriage. I feel like I am preparing myself and the OW for separation. I am thinking about the 6 month minimum with wife like you said Lisa, and I mean really trying to work it out. I think it is something I need to do, regardless if it works or not. I think this is the best decision I can make for myself at this time. The only other workable decision would be to live alone (my plan b?).

To be honest, I feel ok alone, it feels good to not have anyone needing me sometimes, its a big relief. This double life has sapped much of my energy and strength.

blah

Dear Blah

I am so glad that you came back and something I said rang some bells with you. I can understand the whole thing about leading a double life and how it saps your strength. I too can understand how you would feel about living by yourself. In my case, this was pretty much how it was, H was living in Germany and we only saw each other every 2/3 weeks - so I knew I could cope by myself right? Wrong, as my sister once said to me "You are not by yourself at all, not only have you got H on the end of a phone and your weekends/holidays with him, you have OM filling in when H isn't around". Being "truly" by yourself is quite different believe me.

I can only reiterate that I think giving your M a real chance for 6 months (even if you don't think it can work) would, IMHO be the best thing to do. When I first came here, a very wise poster, Just Learning kept saying to me, why not give yourself 6 months, let the emotions settle, don't make any life changing decisions until you are sure. I questioned him - "But I don't know if it can work, I don't know if I want to be with H" I was deeply in withdrawal, I missed OM now, and Blah, truth be told, I still miss him today.

But do you know what? After 3 months of NC and with the immediate pain settling, I just knew it was the right thing to do to try and work things out with H. But Blah, it was too late, H had given up (to be honest he hadn't been that convincing in the first place, but that's another story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) I still to this day wish we could have given it out best shot, together, going to MC, NC, trying to find each other again, to see if it could work. Now, if we had done all that, would it have worked? I really don't know, I really don't. Sometimes, I think not, sometimes it really cuts me up that H gave up on "us" so easily. And now of course, as you probably know, H started his own A, and is off with the marvellous Shiney Head (tongue very much in cheek there!!).

"I am truly unsure about rebuilding the marriage, that I really love her enough, that we really can be what each other wants/needs, or that I am ready to personally make the comittment"

I probably said those exact words myself. My first post title was "So unsure..." Because I was, about everything. Another 6 months in the wider scale of life is nothing.

Blah, I also don't think (given that you have been coming back here looking for support, trying to work things out etc.), that you could just walk away thinking "We all make mistakes". We do, you are right, and we shouldn't have to live with them for the rest of our lives, but such huge mistakes really do need addressing. I'm not a religious person, but I knew that they way I hurt my H (and frankly me too), needed some deep soul searching and examination. I don't think you are the type of person just to be able to walk away thinking "Oh well, one of those things" - I know I certainly couldn't.

Blah, it didn't work out for me, but I am truly now coming to a more peaceful place. Yes, the papers and stuff are practicalities, but if you read my whole current post it is a whole way of life that changes. Are you ready for that? Try and think back to what attracted you to your W in the first place - what things did you have in common, what do you enjoy doing, in fact do you have children? Chaning the whole status quo and walking away is a much easier option than facing up to your responsibilities and your inner demons. Believe me, I am coming to a place of peace and acceptance. According to my 2 S-Ds, H is a very unhappy, grumpy man.

Blah, thank you for asking me for some advice. I hope it has been of help and I am glad you came back here. Do yourself a favour, NC with OW and give you and your W a real go.

Wishing you well and thinking of you.

Lisa

Thanks Lisa,
No I have no kids, OW has 2 girls 11&13.

Yes this is a "moment of truth" for me and my time to say to OW, "No, this is not working for me, for us". I need to stand strong and be a man for her and my wife. OW will never be the one to end it, I must. This honesty will make my life better, I cannot keep living my life to please and fullfill other's lives to my own detriment. I can't save anyone, heck I can barely save myself. My bad thinking keeps me stuck "She(OW) needs me and I need her". My clear thinking says "This relationship doesn't work for you in your life right now."

Lisa your life IS better now. Peace.

Blah

Dear Blah

To be honest with you, sometimes, I still think I need OM. I still think it would be better to have in my life in some capacity, any capacity than none at all. But I have to be responsible for my actions now. I have seen the devasation I caused when I wasn't responsible, didn't care, thought it didn't matter because H didn't know. I was a coward, a cheat, a fool.

And I tell you something else, you are right about the detriment to your own wellbeing. It was me that ended up on anti-d's last summer, not H. I sometimes think that when a WS truly realises what they have done, the damage they cause themselves can be immense.

Blah, please please, ask me anything you want if it will help you come to the "right" decision. I do not want to judge you, because not so long ago, I was you. But, because I was you, allow me to be a little harsh at times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know you think some people were judgemental, but I can tell you, nobody every really judged me here. People treated me with such kindness, respect and care. But they also knew that in my heart I wanted to do the right thing. Do you want to do the right thing? I hope so, I really do.

Take care, thinking of you.

Lisa

Blah,

All of us here are tolerable persons. I will apologize if anyone offended you. Although, I know, that your presence here is an honest attempt to make the sacrifice's that you need to make. We are just trying to help YOU do the right thing, and the right thing is to help you and your wife. Your not going to find one person here that will 'give you permission' to hurt your wife and be with the OW. That is not what the MB principals are based on. Matter of factly, its not Biblical either. I know that everyone meant will in posting to you. It was hard for you to read some of the things that others posted to you. I did not know how to respond to you. I did contact several MB friends on how to talk to you. (Some of us discuss things via email, to protect everyone). Please understand that 'tough love' brings alot of WS posters into a shock of reality. I think it worked with you, or shall I say I see it working with you. I was on the phone with another MBer a little while ago, and the most logical thing we read from you up to this point was your wonderful post to HoneyBun. You were honest, sincere and I see you making baby steps. THAT is what everyone wants to see from a WS, those babysteps that are going to bring you out of your fog and your marriage to resolve.

Friends?

H2Y

I am glad to see you have jumped in with some thoughtful and timely words. Blah needs a complete balance across the board to help him make the best decisions, and there are many more insightful people here than I. Me, well, I was just darn stupid, cruel, selfish, fogged up etc. but realised fairly quickly that actually, that wasn't the real Lisa. I refer to myself then as the "old" Lisa. If someone can learn from my bad mistakes, well, then I will truly have accomplished something during my time at MB and the pain and destruction of my A.

Lisa

Thanks Lisa and H_2

Lisa, I don't know anything about your OM but maybe you have some insights into his personality. OW dropped a bomb on me the other day...I seem to attract all the disturbed ones. I bet your OM has some serious issues, or would you catagorize him as a stable man to you for a LTR? Not only that, but he was in the affair and participated willingly uncommitted, does that make you secure in his ability to commit? It shouldn't. Lisa, I believe our problems were already there, before the affair(s) and before the divorce(s), its just how we handled them.

H_2,

I was running today and thinking how can I explain things to OW. I thought, there are rules of engagement in war but OW and I had done a sneak attack like PEarl Harbor on my wife. Pretty sad, even in war(killing), the basest form of human behavior, there is more consideration than I have shown.

Blah

Blah,
I am not trying to hijack your thread or anything but I just noticed this that you said.
I was running today and thinking how can I explain things to OW. .

I am a BS, and my ex-WH cheated on me in Aug. then after seeing me totally devastated and horrified he did it again in Oct. and Nov. and now she is pregnant with his OC. Lisa in London made a good point when she said she didn't know how anyone could do this to someone again a second time- but even more worse than that- is the thing that stings the MOST- is that my ex is more worried about OW and her feelings and how he can't leave her with OC than he is about mine. I am all for honesty- I wanted my ex to be honest with me and he never quite made it, BUT if you want your wife to ever truly want to reconcile with you- get the idea that you have to "explain" anything to your OW out of your head. Your OW was right there with you doing the same selfish and horrifying things that you did. My ex's OW left her H and 2.5 yr old son for this affair with my H, who she only knew 3 weeks when it started. The only person you need to explain anything to, if at all possible, is your wife.

Hi Blah

Have been running about today and it is quite late now, but just wanted to drop you a note. Do you know, I really don't think specifically about OM - I just sometimes miss him. I don't think whether or not he would be appropriate for a LTR or anything other than that, because, as far as I know, he is still with his W and 4 children trying to get on with his life. So there's no point in trying to analyse that....

However, what you say about issues in our M's well yes that is of course true. I don't think I ever woke up one day and said "That's it, I'm going to have an A and cause devasation." But, I do wish I'd had the courage and strength of character to sit down with my H and tell him that I wasn't happy, and that for me, things were wrong.

I don't know what bomb-shell OW dropped on you, but Adgirl is right - you don't have to explain anything to her. Look through the sections here for info on writing NC letters. I do understand why you think she deserves an explanation, but you are only digging yourself a bigger whole by thinking that. You know what I mean, you think you need to go and meet her to talk and explain, and then it all kicks off again. Really, you owe her nothing and your W everything. Let her H deal with her.

Blah, I do truly understand your turmoil, but believe me, it will only become worse if you carry on down this self destructive path. By the time you decide you really should work on things with your W, well it may be too late. Blah, what would be so terribly bad about giving it your all for your W for six months? If OW is that special and you are meant to be, she'll still be around in six months time. Blah, don't forget as well that you seriously doubt her on a number of fronts - she doesn't seem worth it to me.

Take care.

Lisa

Lisa,
I took the week off from OW and W. I went to 3 different counselors and wrote down some insights about my feelings and OW. I came up with that I am not happy with her and as things stand with her now it will not work. We are meeting today and will end it. All counselors sort of told me that the marriage is not necessarily a good choice either. They advise me to be alone and I am really not ready for any relationship, in some ways they are right. I am starting grad school in June, I need to make decisions and focus on school, I blew it(school) last year over this love triangle, I cannot screw it up again. Lots of pressure on me now, feeling very stressed.

Blah