I am BS, ex-WS had affair with someone in August while my grandmother was dying, he only knew her 3 weeks and she was married with a 2.5 year old.He refused to quit his job he worked at with her, we went to a counselor but she was more pro-divorce for us and was a bit wacky, we never counseled together, only separate, I asked him to leave Sept 8 when we got back from a week long trip that was bizarre - he went to his parents- which was a BIG mistake- because he never really learned to leave his parents and cleave to me- so mommy did all his stuff for him - he refused to sell the car he had sex in with her- he refused to go to church with me until January- He told me repeatedly that he would never see her or talk to her or have sex with her again- he did all those things and I busted him constantly- he started coming back around in December- found out in February it was because she was pregnant and he got scared- she is now divorced and only sees her son every other weekend and has no other parenting rights to her son- my ex constantly defended her and said what a bad man her ex was- my ex actually went so far in April as to get mad at me when I called her a whore and asked me what I was- I said scuse me, he said well you slept with me before we got married so doesn't that make you a harlot- I admit I said things that were awful to him (like his daughter to be would unfortunately have 2 disgusting parents and that if he was really selfless he and OW would give baby up for adoption and let her have a better life with someone else, I also slapped him a few times when I caught him with her) - I have actually taken MAJOR steps to forgive him and myself for these horrible horrible things- I sent him a Plan B letter in April and he sent me a letter back that was sweet- yet said no steps he would take to get away from OW- our divorce was final in March......the thing is, I used to think about all the good times we had and all the memories and how we will always be a part of each other and how I really want my marriage back and to work at it and be the best wife to him- here is my question- Does he deserve that? No, I know he doesn't deserve it- I guess my question is more, Do I want to give him that now? I have thought more in the past week about the bad stuff- about the bad fights we had- about his lack of responsibility- about how he was so passive- whether it be about birthdays, anniversaries, trips, deaths (when my dad's girlfriend jumped off a bridge and killed herself, a week later I was talking about it and he said I should get over it), the engagement proposal which consisted of "hey, you want to get married"- whatever- yet something else always came before me- his parents, his sister, his job, golf, my brother, the OW, the car for crying out loud.......I have begun to realize that I have had this illusion in my head for a long time of who my WH could become. Well, except by the grace of God- which I firmly believe in - that isn't going to happen. I don't think he has ever loved me like a husband should. And for that matter, I don't think I loved him as a wife should - because I either didn't want to, due to his passivity, or because I just didn't want to because I was selfish. Either way, I am coming to realize that there was really not much healthy about our relationship. We met in March 97, he asked me to play tennis/go swimming July 97, we had sex Aug. 97 (and I, nor he, had been with anyone else, amazingly), and I don't know if we ever built our relationship on solid footing of respect and admiration and true love. We just did what we wanted and to heck with the consequences. And it slowly eroded our relationship. So now I have come to a point where I think I really just want to move on. I have had 2 guys at work ask me out on dates....I have told them both no.....but it is nice to feel wanted. I don't know if I ever did with Ex-WH. If something wasn't easy, he wouldn't do it. Ok, to be fair, he would rarely do it. I am awestruck that 2 men have asked me out on dates. Not because I am not attractive or funny or smart, but because I don't know what it feels like after all this time, to truly be desired/wanted. Am I going crazy or am I finally getting back to sanity?

bump

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I just heard this song while sitting at work.
Reminds me of my life!!! How about yours? Except I don't think we can just be
friends and it certainly didn't end with a simple telephone call. But you get
the gist..
All Or Nothing
Written by Steve Mac/Wayne Hector
(Oooh) I know when (s)he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realise
It's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship
Gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you
But how can I find someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you in memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
'Cos I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never
Is it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
Will you leave me here with nothing at all

Thankfully I still have much more than just him (God, family, friends, health, job, peace and the list goes on) so I am not left with nothing at all!!!

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>