I am new here; having just found this site. I am an emotional basketcase and I need direction right now. My situation is very common it seems, but also very unique. Ultimately, I am in the same position as many other married men on this board....

I am here for the same reason most of you are here (infidelity). Please don't judge me (for reasons that will become obvious). I feel bad enough already......I just need some support, advice, and someone to talk to.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years (she is 40, I am 35). We have 3 boys (20,18,16) from her prior marriage/relationship.

(This part is included only as a reference to my state of mind. PLEASE do not judge)...
In the past, my wife and I had a couple of threesomes with other men. Twice, she did play on her own with my full knowledge and consent. We messed around a few times, but that was all. No attachments developed. She hasn't been interested in anything like that for a couple of years. I guess that is what led to my being so naive, blind, and stupid about my current situation....

I have known for a few months that my wife was seeing another man (coworker). At first, she told me it about the flirting and that she was attracted to him. I tried to dismiss it, or accept it, as just a renewed interest in the 'sexual' game, but it has really been revealed as something much more. I wanted to believe this was just a physical thing for her. She had turned 40 and her sexual appetite seemed to kick into overdrive. I want her to be happy, and would give her anything (even sex with another man to satisfy her).

Honestly, it is the emotional attachment, affection and desire for him, and deceipt that is hurting me so much. No one else may understand this, but I can deal with sharing her body, just not her heart.

At first, she would tell me about going out with him. But, that quickly stopped and she began lying about going shopping or working late in order to go out with him. She secretly emails him several times per day, calls him on the cell phone from work, and sends him text messages via cell. She sees him/talks with him more than me now! I feel hurt, lonely, and very depressed.

Unfortunately, I know all this because I found out her email password and see the cell phone detailed call list. I feel guilty for having read her 'private' emails, and feel crushed by all of what I have read. They write passionately about their love for each other. He is married also, but wants only to be with MY wife. He says he has finally found the perfect woman for him. She tells him she feels 'alive' and that the world is perfect and right when she is with him. She tells him how much she thinks about him everyday (even when we go out together), and how much she misses him and wants to be in his bed. She even thanks him profusely for being so aggressive in bed and for being so sexual satisfying for her. (I know, too much detail)

I wish I was ignorant of all of this. At least then, 'what I don't know, wouldn't hurt me'. I wish I was like his wife (totally oblivious). I wish I had never read her emails or known anything about this.

I have tried to talk to her about this affair (which it definitely is). After getting mad at me for 'snooping', she agreed to talk. She has confirmed she is very attracted to him and has developed a strong affection for him. BUT, she says she still loves me more. She says it is just the , newness, excitement, and sex of the relationship with him that she enjoys. She tells me she is confused, and lost in all of this, and doesn't know what to do. She says she 'never intended to hurt' me, but continues to do so repeatedly. She doesn't want to stop seeing him, and doesn't want me to leave. Last week, she met him at the hotel after work three times.

She is still affectionate towards me. We still go out together and have sex. I just cant stand the anguish and torment of knowing she is also sharing her heart and mind with another man.

From reading this site and all the wonderful posts, I am beginning to understand the emotional needs/love bank concepts and how this has all happened? I am still crushed, emotionally unstable, feeling inadequate, and basically questioning how this has happened.... I blame myself for laying the groundwork and being so stupid and blind. Even though I was aware of her activities at first, it doesn't make it hurt less now than she has given her heart away to someone else.

Thank you for letting me vent. I would appreciate any kind words of support or advice for a 'new' guy in my position. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I do believe she loves me, but she is living in a fantasy world right now, and seems to have lost touch with reality (me and our family). Please help.

I DO understand the part about the emotional attachment hurting more, though I don't understand the part about sharing her body being OK, because as far as I can tell, the body mind amd spirit are not separate. In any case, click on the link in my signature line for information on how to recover.

Thank you, John, for you reply and words of encouragement.

I am headed to your provided link.

I know that many will not understand the odd dynamics of our marriage. I'm not asking anyone to understand that part.

I just need help and support concerning her emotional attachment and desire for this OM. You name the emotion, and I have gone through it in the past few weeks on my roller coaster ride of life.

I don't understand.... You are not asking anyone to understand the odd dynamics of your relationship .... you only want to discuss your wife's emotional attachment to the OM??? Not the sexual acts??? Is this correct??

Well, good luck with that! Once the boundaries of marriage are loosened, they tend to stay loosened. If the odd dynamics of your marriage include acceptance of sexual "playing" .... why not emotional "playing" as well?

If both marriage partners agree that it is OK to enjoy intimate pleasures with people outside the marriage, well then, your wife is only taking your agreement and expanding it.
You have boxed yourself in quite completely.

This is actually a common problem with married "players". I don't think you can discuss your dilemma without discussing the "lifestyle". But, good luck to you anyway.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

As a detached random person on an Internet forum, I would suggest that you tell his W ASAP with as much consideration as you can muster; meet with the OM and have a calm discussion about intentions; and then have a calm discussion with W about intentions and boundaries.

Help start off everything with a dose of reality for everyone. I think a typical MB-start might just drag things out creating too much of a comfort zone for everyone. And the boundaries for that are already pretty loose.

I'm not saying to do all this half-cocked, but consider the decision as you work out the details. If you are so inclined.

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

Hello cryja01

I'm going to start this post telling you I'm VERY old fashioned... sure before M I didn't think this way but after M that was a whole another story...

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to give you my point of view as a women only and I think you need it.

I can truly do not understand this statement...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honestly, it is the emotional attachment, affection and desire for him, and deceipt that is hurting me so much. No one else may understand this, but I can deal with sharing her body, just not her heart.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are very wrong on this. I don't know how many womens are ready to give her body without any kinds of emotional attachments (I mean in teh long run).
So maybe you started very wrong a long time ago beleiving it was good giving it a go?. I urge you both to reconsider your moral grounds and your vows. And I can not beleive you feel that low that also you allowed that for her to be with you.
I understand you at some degree on giving her all you could for her happyness, but other mens??? That is insane in any relationship.

That is really wrong, when some boundaries in M are broken is very hard to go back.

I don't know your wife position in this.. maybe she is a sexual adict and got problems, for her to do this. She is not 20 anymore and can live a crazy life, you got a family a M and compromises.

I urge you both to get into counseling ASAP, and about telling the W of the OM well there are several post here about it.

Read all you can on this site, it might help you a lot.

Take care

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Cryja01 a lot of people, especially men, have the mistaken beleif that sex can exist separate from love. That may hold true for a ONS but not for a PA in which sexual fulfillment is not the only EN being met, but others such as: affection, conversation, admiration, and recreational companionship, are also equally being met by the OP. Is it any wonder that what may have started as an EN for sexual fulfillment by your WW, eventually evolved into love for her OM?.

Matilde is right when she told you that not to many women, in the long run, give their bodies away without any emotional attachment towards the men they are sexually involved with. Even married men have been known to fall in love with their female lovers with whom they initially sought to just have sex with. This clearly points out the fallacy of people who get into open marriages with the strange beleif that by allowing their spouses to have sex with others, they are ensuring the emotional fidelity of their spouse. They, just like you, learn the hard way that this is just not true.

The only hope I see is if you can convince your WW to return to a traditional marriage with its sexual exclusivity before your love for her dies and you make the decision to divorce her.

<small>[ May 20, 2003, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>