No kidding! That's the title of a book I was reading... ...just before I woke up this morning!

The alarm had gone off, my W got up and hit the "doze" button and my son was in the shower, and I had dozed off (so THAT's what that button is for!). When the alarm went off again, I was dreaming I was reading a book, and before I woke up I wanted 2 know what it was I was reading. I was also frantically trying 2 find a place 2 gingerly set it down so that it wouldn't disappear when I woke up! It did anyway, though, but not before I got a good look at the cover. It was all brightly colored and had car2n pictures of elephants and other animals in a jungle scene. The title, like the subject line, was: The Elephants from Straw Jaw Park. I didn't see the author's name, but it might have been me. Thankfully, I have no idea what the title signifies (and no, I don't think they're THAT kind of elephant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and if anybody tries 2 explain it 2 me, I just might really wake up! And I don't think any of us wants that 2 happen, now do we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, I've been away for a bit and reading a lot (currently Ekhart Tolle's "The Power of Now"). 2k off for the mountains over the weekend for an annual event I go 2. I used 2 take the whole family, but lately the kids haven't wanted 2 go along, at least not the whole time. So my W has usually brought them up later for just a day or an afternoon. Last year, I was just 4 months out of the D-day gate, and was pretty depressed the whole time, though I tried not 2 be. So this year, I was a bit apprehensive that I'd feel the same way, but I didn't. I saw friends I hadn't seen in a year or more, and have this terrific new perspective on how 2 interact with them... ...yes, it's okay for grown men 2 hug one another and tell them that they've missed each other. It was a great weekend, and I'm still kinda "up" about the whole thing. And I'd like 2 stay that way, because it's positively affecting those around me, including my W.

2 nights ago (yeah, I waited until 2day 2 tell you so that I could use another 2!), I was reading PON while my W was in the shower and my son was out in the living room watching the Lobotomy Box. When my W got out, she saw me reading, and so she laid down and picked up "Passionate Marriage" and started reading that. I didn't want 2 sound like "educating" so I didn't interrupt her with quotes from what I was reading, and she didn't seem 2 want 2 interrupt me, either. But at several points, she made little "hm" comments about what she was reading. Next day (not 2 days later) something came up that reminded me about Schnarch's remark that we should not identify with our feelings, because our feelings can change (and so would our "identity" in that case). She said she found that statement enlightening, 2, and we talked about it a bit.

I guess I'm trying not 2 read 2 much in what's going on between us, but it's a bit hard 2 ignore the simple fact that, in spite of all the crap she's having 2 deal with at work, she's a lot happier these days than even a few weeks ago. And, remember, during our last heated argument, I told her I intended 2 DV her.

Do I still? Well, I guess not. At least it's not something I'm planning. I'm finally learning 2 pay attention 2 the things I've heard from people like SC and things I've been reading. And like some of the best advice I've gotten from the MB boards, I finally realized that - yeah - I'm not in any critical si2ation where I have 2 do something right now or else my W's A will resume or I'll fall apart or the Universe will implode in a Big Crunch or something. So, what's the urgency 2 file? Nada. So, I'm not going 2.

So, I'm going 2 keep reading, and observing, and living in the now... ...but I'm open 2 recommendations for more reading material, because I'm just about through with PON.

Any suggestions?
♥2long

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Amateur dream analysis to follow:

The theme of the dream seems to be your anxiety ... anxiety that you will misplace the knowledge (the book) you are working on.

You recognize there is an enormous task in front of you (the elephant).

The task entails finding your way through some rough times (the jungle).

You are not alone in the jungle (other animals).... (like rats).

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> 5-cents is my usual fee ... but I'll waive it for you!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper:

I'm cutting you a check for 3 cents. Sorry, you forgot 2 explain "Straw Jaw". I was expecting all this stuff about weaknesses and similar things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-2long

I'm still thinking .....

Do the initials JSP mean anything?

Pepper:

You mean "SJP"? No, 2 2th questions. Not that I know of, at least.

RM's initials aren't either, if that's what you're thinking. They're not even RM yet, until I get them legally changed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-2long

Yeah, that's what I was thinking .... if the ititials rearranged in any order had meaning for you. I can't remember his actual initials, even tho you told me ...

Pep

Pepper:

Nope. Only the "J" works for RM, unless "P" Stands for "phoney."

-2long

RatMeat vs Elephants?!??! Means...... hm.... I am not a dream analysist but Leilani on recovery did one on my dream a couple of years ago. Funny.....can't remember what she said now.

Actually I was wondering about the 'straw jaws' portion of the title. Is that anything like grass in your .....? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now what was the details of this dream book?!??!?

L.

Well, 'ol 2 long, I just had to keep your best interests at heart, and did a search for "straw jaw". Here's what I came across! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sipping Cider Through a Straw

The cutest guy
I ever saw
Was sipping ci-der
Through a straw.

I asked him if
He'd show me how
To sip that ci-der
Through a straw.

Then cheek to cheek
And jaw to jaw
We sipped that ci-der
Through a straw.

Every now and then
The straw would slip
And we'd sip ci-der
Lip to lip.

The parson came
To my backyard
A-sipping ci-der
From a straw.

And now I have
A mother-in-law
And fourteen kids
To call me Ma.

The moral of
This little tale
Is sip your ci-der
From a pail! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Click here for the link!

So be careful where you sip your cider from? Never can be 2 careful! lol

Jen

You chicks are funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had a long convo with my W last night about "us" and RM. When I got home, she was talking 2 him on the phone. That didn't bother me all that much, ac2ally. But I had no desire 2 "listen in" any more than I had from walking in, so I left her alone and went down 2 the garage.

Later, she came down and we had the convo. She confirmed it was him, said it was about work, and we talked about what we want 2 do. ...I'm getting sorta of the feeling that I don't want 2 talk 2 much about our personal life anymore, not because I'm worried about annonymity, but because I don't want 2 dwell on negative thoughts. I did have them all day 2day, mostly unjustified, so I hope you all get what I mean. There certainly was a lot in our convo 2 be optimistic about, not the least of which neither one of us got agitated.

The good news is that my W is reading a lot more of Passionate Marriage, and is interested in other books I've read or plan 2 read. She's still not interested in SAA or HNHN, the 2 Harley books I have, but there are still a lot of good ones out there.

I think the best thing she said 2 me last night was "I don't want another relationship. I either want 2 be alone or I want 2 be married 2 you." Remember, it wasn't all that long ago that she said "I was emotionally divorced years ago" and "I never wanted 2 be married". She stills says that she would have been better off not 2 have gotten M'd, but she's also reading the chapter in PM about "nobody is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." and she really likes what Schnarch says.

And I'm sure my good friends here will not hesitate 2 recommend more reading material if they can think of them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

♥ ol' 2long

My next book to read is probably NOT going to interest her ....

Epidemic: How Teen Sex is Killing Our Kids ... by Meg Meeker MD

When I get to work on Monday, I get to call up and tell a 19 year old she has early stage cervical cancer. 20 years ago, this never happened to women this young. i get about one of these a week. I'll bet Twtla has many more of these stories in her practice than I do, since I have a mixed sex panel.

2-L ... I hope M finishes Passionate Marriage . It can be re-read at a later time and provoke yet another "ah-ha!" experience from material that previously escaped my notice.

Do you and your son ever come out to Woodley Park where they fly the little remote control airplanes?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 31, 2003, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep:

That's so sad 2 hear!

Yep, my son and I go out there when we can, but it's pretty infrequent. I was going 2 take him this weekend, but the instructor is only there a short time 2day and 2morrow. Maybe next weekend. We usually go around 7-9 in the morning, usually Sunday.

-2long.

Sometimes, when I drive by that park I think I'm seeing a low-flying plane .... and it's a toy! They look so real. (actually, I meant Balboa Park, but Woodley Ave)

Listen 2-Long .... that thread on "recovery" is totally bullcrap. Don't let it trigger you. I was content just to watch it unfold until I saw your response.

You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

Lucy

Pep:

You should see some of those planes up close. I'd be afraid 2 start them up in the morning!!! They're 2 pretty 2 fly!

Yeah, it's threads like that that I'm talking about that sucks me back in2 negativity. Been there 2long, 2manytimes in the past 16 months. Don't need or want 2 participate in that destructive mental mas2rbation anymore.

♥2long

Well buddy, I think the "idea" in question was a smokescreen, a contrivance to massage the author's own pain. I feel very sorry for her.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

"Nobody is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage."

That is a really great quote and one that many a WS that says that they never wanted to be married should hear. Marriage is not easy, it's a lot of work, and I sure have learned that over the past 7 months or so. I treated it like it was just a routine, that the hard work of dating, falling in love, and making it that far was over, now it was just time to maintain.

Boy, was I EVER wrong.

But of course, that doesn't mean that a marriage never should have happened or that it was a bad idea. Sometimes a WS can convince themselves that the problems are there not because of faults of their own, or even our own, but just because the marriage was never meant to be. Which is of course know is just not true.

As evidenced by all of us here, all it takes is time, understanding, and the willingness to learn and be there for one another. 2long, I hope your W can one day truly realize that, I think she is getting closer to understanding given her latest statements about wanting either the marriage or life on her own. At least there is not a third person in her decision path any longer.

Hope you are feeling better today.

ALS

Thanks Pep and ALS.

Yep, I'm having a better day 2day. Went 2 the swap meet and bought a couple of very cool antique chairs for the house. We're working on it again, and it's helping us connect.

I think it's possible that my W still wants 2 keep her "friendship" but so long as she keeps reading PM and other books, and so long as I don't dwell on my imagination of what goes on, I think she'll realize it's not possible. EVen now, I can see the "gap" in our closeness due 2 his place in her thoughts. It's getting smaller, but will only dwindle so long as I don't make an issue forever. "What you resist, persists."

♥2long

2 second thread jack..
yes Pepper..I do..I'm impressed yours was 20..I'm seeing it in early teens 13/14. And DEATH at age 30...lovely..spread the word..yearly exams and CONDOMS.
Returning you to the dream sequence.
T

Thoughts for the day (since I just finished reading PON):

"The ego believes that in your resistance lies your strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the only place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and power. What it sees as strength is weakness. So the ego exists in a continuous resistance-mode and plays counterfeit roles to cover up your "weakness," which in truth is your power.

Until there is surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous," says the ego. "You'll get hurt. You'll become vulnerable." What the ego doesn't know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming "vulnerable," can you discover your true and essential invulnerability."

and:

"Enlightenment through suffering - the way of the cross - means to be forced into the kingdom of heaven kicking and screaming. You finally surrender because you can't stand the pain anymore, but the pain could go on for a long time until this happens. Enlightenment consciously chosen means to relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the Now the main focus of your life. It means choosing to dwell in the state of presence rather than in time. It means saying yes to what *is*. You then don't need pain anymore. How much more time do you think you will need before you are ale to say "I will create no more pain, no more suffering?" How much more pain do you need before you can make that choice?

If you think that you need more time, you will get more time - and more pain. Time and pain are inseparable."

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

My W and I had a wonderful weekend, in spite of all the terrible things we seem 2 have 2 face every day, in large part because some of what Tolle has said is really starting 2 soak in2 ol' 2long's thick skull. Thank you, my friends over on iloveulove.com, for recommending that book 2 me. I send out gratefulness in four directions.

-ol' 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Since quoting from books seems 2 be a sure-fire way 2 kill a thread... ...I'm going 2 do it again!!!

Thought for 2day about salvation and "enlightened relationships":

"True salvation is a state of freedom - from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging. It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need. Your mind is telling you that you cannot get there from here. Something needs to happen, or you need to become this or that before you can be free and fulfilled. It is saying, in fact, that you need time - that you need to find, sort out, do, achieve, acquire, become, or understand something before you can be free or complete. You see time as the means to salvation, whereas in truth it is the greatest obstacle to salvation. You think that you can't get there from where and who you are at this moment because you are not yet complete or good enough, but the truth is that here and now is the only point from where you *can* get there. You "get" there by realizing that you *are* there already. You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God. So there is no *only* way to salvation: Any condition can be used, but no particular condition is needed. However, there is only one point of access: the Now. There can be no salvation away from this moment. You are lonely and without a partner? Enter the Now from there. You are in a relationship? Enter the Now from there.

There is nothing you can ever do or attain that will get you closer to salvation than it is at this moment. This may be hard to grasp for a mind accustomed to thinking that everything worthwhile is in the future. Nor can anything that you ever did or that was done to you in the past prevent you from saying yes to what *is* and taking your attention deeply into the Now. You cannot do this in the future. You do it now or not at all."

-Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

-2long

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>