3 I am not trying to be judgemental...I know that everyone's circumstances are different to some degree. I know that not all of us have gone through an A that continued openly after dday. I also know that I used to be one of those people who said if my H ever had an A I would kick him to the curb. I have learned the hard way not to judge someone unless you've walked in their shoes.

I know we each have to set our own boundaries of what we can stand. That's why on your thread I tried to post some questions..some of these questions I asked myself to come up with my boundaries. It boiled down to how much could I tolerate without losing myself and how much could I tolerate and not ending up losing all respect and love for my H. I had to ask myself what would be the turning point where my love wasn't love anymore but an obsession.

If you read some of my early posts (December and January) on the Recovery board you will see some of the anguish I went through sorting all this out.

I also have a recent thread on that board about getting frustrated reading MB boards sometimes. I received lots of oppions early on while posting here..some made since right away, some angered me, some hurt me....I listened to everything and then sorted through for myself. However, some of the posters who at the time I thought were harsh JL and Pendragon come to mind...ended up being right...I just wasn't ready to see it at the time.

That old "hindsight" thing.

Just remember that even though everyone's circumstances are a little unique...we've all been through the crushing pain...we are still here because we need help or hope to help.

Best Wishes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT honestly , I am sure it does not make you just angry at our WS but what you are really saying is angry at US .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3,

I'm not sure where you got the idea that I am angry at all. Lisa had had a question that went unanswered for several days, and I wanted to do my best to clearly answer her. I've been around here a long time, and have a good knowledge of these principles...and felt like she was really looking for some clear information. I am so sorry if you felt that I was angry in any way. I didn't mention you at all...and don't know your situation, so have no ill feelings for you. The guidelines I gave for Plan A...are actually cerri's who is a very well respected MB coach with her own site, who communicates with the Harley's daily, so I felt very safe in posting that for her. Sorry if this upset you in some way, but I assure I never post in anger to anyone.

I don't beleive that Starfish meant to be disrespectful by posting Cerri's excellent post on what Plan A is, just the opposite. I say this because so many times we see others erroneously telling others (newbies especially) what Plan A is when in reality they are showing exactly how to be a doormat.

1. Avoiding all love busters is not being a doormat. It is being an adult and showing thru example to our children how adults are supposed to behave. We are demonstrating that we can overcome our base animal instincts for the purpose of achieving a noble goal (saving our marriages and families).

2. Meeting as many EN's as the WS allows is not being a doormat because we are showing the WS that we are NOT who they thought we were. If a divorce is inevitable, then the onus of possible regret and future relationship failures will be on the WS, while the BS will have the peace of mind that s/he did her/his best and the knowledge on how to make the her/his relationship better than the last.

Following the MB principles is NOT easy because they run counter to our base animal instincts. It takes more guts to implement them than possibly anything else we've done in our lives.

Unfortunately, the devil is in the details on what to do in particular situations without violating MB principles. That is why practical advice like Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 degree list and CarolKH's story, helps us by demonstrating what to do (and what not to do) during our spouses A's. I sometimes wish Dr Harley could writte another book detailing how the BS should respond to specific situations with his/her WS for it would certainly clarify a great deal of the confusion, especially with regards to Plan A/Plan B.

Lisa,

How are you? Give an update if you can.

Praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M