Some of you already know me. I have been here since about April. My first D-day was Feb 14, 2003. I also have a thread here. You guys have been trying to help me the best you can but I have been unable to listen fully. Until now.

My WH is out tonight and I just found out he is out with another OW and this isnt the first time he has been out with her. I have been trying to hold onto my husband and marriage for the past 7 months. It has been incredibly painful and devastating. I cant even write right now. I just want him to go as soon as he gets home. I have allowed him to take total advantage of me because he knows how strong my feelings are for him. But I must say my feelings are just about dead. If anyone is out there please help.

Lisa,

I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with such stupidity. What makes you know this is OW2?

L.

I hear a voice message on his cell phone the other day from this girl named L and then I read some e-mails tonight.

WH just called and I went off on him and he tried to tell me it was OW1...I think I am going to call OW1 and tell her about OW2 right now.

Lisa,

Hold on a bit. Let's get you focused so you don't do something you will regret.

Telling OW1 on a definite maybe? Before you hang your H (you can put him out if it hurts for you to be around him), at least allow him to convict himself.

Telling OW1 will give the OW power. I am sure you don't want that. ok?

Post back your thoughts and let's move to the next phase of your anger.

Hugz,
L.

Lisa,

Do you want to go over to MB ladies chat?

MB Ladies Chat

L.

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 01:37 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Lisa,

I went to ladies chat but did not see anyone. Post if you need more support.

I will check back on you tomorrow.

hugz,
L.

Hey Orchid,

When WH got home at 3:00am, I conforted him and he told me I was crazy. I told him I saw the e-mails he sent and that was sent to him. He told me he was seeing no one else. He said he did those e-mails on purpose to see if I would check it. See I hadnt known he password for about 2 weeks he changed it so OW1 could e-mail him because I kept blocking it. Then on Sunday he gave the password to me to check his Fantsasy Football League, and last night he said since I gave it to you on Sun. I wanted to see if you would go on it. I said I didnt believe him and told him I wanted him to leave. Then of course he goes into his complete cocky and arrogant mode. He acts as though this M means nothing to him, which I am totally starting to believe. This morning I said to him if that was the case about the e-mails, I said how could you be so cruel to me after everything we are going through. WH said I wasnt thinking as usual. I guess he honestly believes his story. But do I. I am totally numb right now.

Lisa,

Been there done that on this item also. Crazy? Does it happen? Is he right?

Here's the kicker for me. If he was testing you, who was on the other end responding to him? Who was his accomplice?

Trust your instincts. Ask him if he would buy such a story line. If he says yes, watch his reaction. If he is figidity and moody, it maybe a sign he is lying.

Now, he has already admitted to putting you on the alert that he is crafty. So in other areas, you be cautious. If he says, don't you trust me? Say, yes. No further explanation is required. In fact the shorter the answers the better.....right now.

He needs to come to you. This often is a long and grueling process. Later after a few weeks or months, you can say something more like 'was this exercise in stupidity necessary? What were you trying to prove and to who?'

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

WH's little story about the e-mails were just a cover up more BS and more lies. I have seen some new numbers on the cell phone bill and have checked them out. He is starting to call the same numbers daily. The one number is a place of business and yes I called and yes there is a L there. Do I need anymore proof? I dont think so. WH left this morning and hasnt been home since. He called me about 1:00pm and asked some stupid question that required a one word answer. Thats what I did and then there was dead silence for about 15 seconds, I guess he was waiting for me to ask when he was coming home just like usual. But I didnt and then WH said that all I wanted and I said ok and hung up. Havent called or talked to him since have no idea where he is right now and honestly I do not care at this very moment. I hope he doesnt come home, I am much more relaxed right now than I have been in a while. Talk to you later.

Hi Lisa0705

I'm sooooooo sorry this is happening to you. You see? the same happened to me. SAME SAME!

I got my dday on feb like you. Got him out of home, plan A (short unsuccesfull), plan B didn't did the letter (unsuccesfull), plan A for 3 month succesfull.. now I'm back to plan B.

My H kept lying to me, there was always a good excuse for me to keep believing. Every episode, new excuse. I jkept at it... Until finally he told me. Yep he was still with OW. Well nothing much left for me to do. I did my best he blew it. I don't know what it's going to take for you to finally assembly the puzzle... Let's say... if you had a puzzle and the only missing piece is OW... what would you think? keep believing all the lies? or just that he is still into it?

Sad sad sad.... Start making plans for yourself unless you want to keep at this ride.

Take good care sorry to hear your news.

Lisa,

I feel so bad for you right now. My ex told me some whoppers when he was seeing ow#2 and i tell you pretty soon all I could do is laugh. If yo feel you have been really doing plan A the past few months and it isn't working time to go to Plan B no contact letter. Plan B is about you not him. It gives you a chance to refocus and work on yourself.

Jill

Hey,

WH came home last nite about 11:45PM and sleep on the couch. I was already in bed. Didint come down or anything. I really havent said 2 words to him. I just want him to leave. But he wont..what do I do. I am kinda Plan B'ing with him here right now. Going about my business and making sure me and the kids are nowhere to be found when he should be home. He is in contact with 2 OWs now. He totally disgusts me, I cant even look at him. And the worst part about this is financially I am on the verge of losing everything and he has time two see 2 different OW. Should I contact them both and let them know about the other?? They both feel free to e-mail my husband into my home.

Sounds to me like he know's his world is crashing around him but he chooses to escape into a fantasy even deeper (and when the first OW became too "real" he found another fantasy).

Contact the OWs, probably not a bad idea as part of exposing the A's. Heck, they may not even know he's M.

Like my H, he sounds like he's willing to let everything fall into a heap rather than deal with it...and he's lumped you in with all his problems. He might even be blaming you for his problems (I know my H used to).

It may take some REAL doses of reality, and for him to stand on his own for him to realize he's created this mess...that may mean a Plan B.

But until then, can you give him a lasting impression of you as a loving (but hurt) wife?

I guess I am doing a Plan B now while he is living here. When he is home I make sure me and kids are not. Dont call him while he is working and he doesnt call me either. Right now I can no longer be the loving wife I have tried to be for the past 7 months. He totally disgusts me right now. I am not LB'ing, basically I am not talking to him at all.

The other not when I found out about OW2 and we were fighting, I told him how disrespectful this was to me. WH told me he had the utmost respect for but had none for himself. He also want on to say he cant even now fulfill his financial responsibilities. He also told me he feels as though he can never make me happy. What I get from this is that he feels as though he has let me down. And that by pursuing these other relationships he needs to provide or prove anything. I guess its the whole fantasy thing. I cant tell you how much this sucks. Then again I probably dont need to.

Lisa,

He is babbling, talking jibberish and not coherent. He is on a downward spiral.

IMHO, remove yourself from his path. Step back, plan B. Work on protecting as much of your financial assests as possible. This is where most laws come into play.

Check out your separation and D options in your area. It is a hard walk but worth it to give you the greatest amount of financial security.

Right now he probably feels he can't redeem himself. You can't help him not because you don't want to but because he is too caught up in the spiral to let you help him. So the best help is not to help him.

Work on what you can. Call in your support troups and love your children.

Hugz,
L.

It's that round about..."You make me feel miserable, so I have an A" blame game...

I got out of this by letting my H be responsible for himself. He moved out...thought he'd be much happier...and found out perhaps it wasn't the family or me that made him unhappy...it was him.

Right now he's probably in the middle of blaming you...thinking he's not living up to YOUR expectations (when it's really HIS expectations he's not living up to).

My H was the kind of man that felts so badly about himself that any woman that stroked his ego (and even talking to him was a stroke) he gravitated towards and wanted more. To be honest I came down hard on him for YEARS (major LBs) but also fed his ego too. And since the A have not LBed (much) and tried to feed his ego even more. I'm finding out he is like a black hole and will keep sucking up the compliments. Not until he believes them will he change what he thinks about himself. That's the thing about self-esteem, it has to come from the self...

This is a crazy time, see if you both can talk about him getting out on his own for awhile. Staying with a friend, with family, getting an apt. What this will do is allow him to be miserable on his own, and find he can't blame you. He'll find out how GOOD it is to be M to you. It will give you a break from the craziness. Call it what you will, trial separation, time-out, break, but it will enable you to Plan B better.

Exactly and I keep telling him that. Right now there is no way for me to help him when he has no respect for himself. I keep telling him everyday he must leave for awhile, that I need time away from him.

OMG...OW1 called me last night to talk about OW2. Seems she found out. Actually we ended up talking for about 45 minutes about my WH. Things he has said to her and things he had said to me. I was very polite and answered her questions honestly, and she answered mine. Of course, she said WH blames me for everyrthing, I said I know its part of the A fantasy. We talked alot about him and what he must be feeling and why he is doing what he is doing. I know now that she doesnt think I am this awful person he has made me out to be. It ended up with her saying she has alot of soul-searching to do and has realized there has been so many lies. She wants to get together and talk some more..I am not to sure about that. Well anyway I guess WH will focus OW2 now. I will keep on focusing on me and my children and continue to tell him he must make other living arrangements.

Going on a bus trip to NYC tomorrow with my oldest daughter and my cousin and her kids..looking forward to spending time with DD as we dont get a whole lot of time together without the little ones. The best part is WH will have the 4 other kids all day and nite <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Talk to you guys later

Lisa -

There is no such thing as a modified Plan B!! What you're doing is withdrawal. It protects you to a certain extent, but it also does considerble damage to your marriage. Trust me on this; I was on the receiving end of it for months. It SUCKS.

Either stay firmly in Plan A, or GET INTO PLAN B!! All you're doing now is protecting yourself (good) at the expense of your marriage (not so good).

Hi,

Havent posted in a few days because I really dont know what else to say. Well I told you OW called me Thurs nite. I guess WH and her have worked things out. They are still talking. I guess she believes his lies. Oh well her problem.

WH and I had a terrible fight yesterday. He once again told me this was over and done with. He told me all he does is upset me. I told him of course you do because of the situation. I also told him that was a big cop out, because if we split it just means he wont have to see me upset anymore everyday. Therefore in his head it will justify his decision. I said just because you dont see me everyday doesnt mean I still wont be feeling the same way.

All along WH has told me this is not a choice between me OW. I said I really dont care how you view it anymore. You know my feelings and that I love you and want this marriage, but it now has become a choice. You have made it this way whether you realize it or not. I told him if he wants to continue his relationship with OW, there is no relationship between us two. I have asked him to leave and he said he really hasnt thought about it. Amazing, I have been saying for the past three weeks that I need time away from him and he really hasnt thought about it. I am not taking my kids and leaving my home. So he must go. OW said the other nite to me that she could easily have him live with her, but she wont because she thinks he needs to be on his own for awhile. Glad to see she thinks she knows what he needs.

Last nite after fighting most of the day, I asked him if he meant what he said eariler to me. He said I dont know. I then told him well if it is then I wont stand in your way, but I will not be the one to file for divorce you will. Right now I just need him to be gone for awhile, and I really think that he thinks I dont mean it.

Lisa I hate to be harsh but why would he think you mean it this time? So many people have spoken to you about boundaries but you've not been ready to do those in a cool logical manner with the intent of sticking by them. To him it may sound like blah, blah, blah...I've heard this all before. Not fair but probably how he hears it. Remember he's temporarily INSANE...logic isn't a part of his world! Consequences for his actions are not a part of his world.

They won't be until someone enforces boundaries and repercussions with him.

In my opinion you need to find a way to get strong enough to do this...or life will continue down this negative path.