Some who followed my thread about breaking Plan B with Steve Harley's blessing backfired. I went to the hospital during W surgery. Go no thank you's for it, that's for sure. Since W is back to her residence now, but pretty well invalid, I called her once a day to see if she needs anything. I had planned to do this until she was able to get around and then go back on Plan B.

She acts civil on the phone but I can tell she would rather I didn't call after the last phone call. All of the calls have only been about 1 to 2 mins. and nothing else was discussed except her health and questions about what she might need. Since my D is staying with W the next 3 weeks I know that the OM goes there to take care of her whenever my D is not there, but D has walked in on them. OM quickly leaves because D refuses to stay in the same house with OM.

W told D after an argument about OM, that she was going to see a lawyer and file for divorce as soon as she is able to get around. AND maybe put a restraining order on me for STALKING! I havn't had any contact with my W for seven weeks prior to her surgery and only go to her house to pick up my D when she needs transport to somewhere. Even then I don't go in the house and never go there unless it is absolutely necessary.

Early about 2 months ago I did check W house and OM apt. to see if W was lying about spending the night with OM. She lied repeatedly. I told her I knew what was going on but have not checked since once I knew what was going on.

Is this fog talk or the end? W is making me sorry that I even tried to help her, even in this very minimal way. I know though she would have had more reason to dislike me if I hadn't shown any concern for her health.

Don't know what to do or how to take any of this.

Hi Monty:

When I was in your position, I felt the exact same way that you feel.

However, from what I'v learned, I would say that your WW is in the fog, still addicted to OM. It is not the end. She will remember that you tried to help her when the fog has cleared. Let OM try to be the only one that she has to rely on. He will fail!!!

Meanwhile, try to go back to PLAN B. Even think about sending her a card or a letter saying something to the effect: My vows said in sickness and in health so I tried to be there for you. Continued contact with OM in the picture hurts me too much, etc. Now GO DARK, as Mortarman would say. She will miss you. I guarantee you. Now take care of YOU!!!!

Take Care.

Some who followed my thread about breaking Plan B with Steve Harley's blessing backfired.
How did it backfire?

I went to the hospital during W surgery. Go no thank you's for it, that's for sure
Yes, it would have been nice, but I hope you weren't expecting it.

If you do something, you may or may not get any results, you may or may not see any results and you may or may not get the results you expected.

The point is that you left a good flaver and not a nasty one, EVEN with what she is doing. Again, you may not see a result but the ssed is planted.

Time to renew Plan B. Don't make a big production out of it.

Monty, that's a Plan B break that went a bit too far. The visit was nice...a card and a gift was nice...but too many become overwhelming. The thing is, she probably feels GUILTY when you are nice to her, so the more you do the more she feels justified in condemning you by pinning the lable "stalker" on you. I did the same thing at one time.

Just back off COMPLETELY and go BACK TO PLAN B! The rest of the story has to unfold in her life with you absent (in body, not in spirit).

Hang in there!!

I agree with mimi. Go back to Plan B. Stop calling. No contact of any kind (except for the Plan B card idea; I like it). Try not to ask D too many questions or talk about what is going on, it will only upset both of you.
You were there for her when WW needed you. Having warm feelings for you now not only confuses WW, it pisses her off. As the A ends and she begins to pull away from the OM she will be angry, and that anger will be directed at you. Don't ask why. It's the fog, my man, it's the fog. But she will remember.

While in Plan B you had an opportunity to show her how much you still care, which doesn't often happen. As I told you before, you did good.
Stay strong.

Question:

Should the be a full Plan-B letter with the following?

-I love you
-I want to spend the rest of my life with you
-There is a way to fix our marriage and intimacy
-Relationship with OM is hurting my love for you
-No contact unless emergency, kids or financial.
-Blah Blah Blah

If you previously sent a Plan B letter, then no, you don't need to resend it.
However, I think you should put something such as;
I wanted to make sure you were okay during your surgery. I helped out as much as I could and tried not to be overwhelming.
Hope you continue to get better.
I must now go back to no contact. Again, this is no "punishment" and I wish our marriage to work.

Pleased reread the previous {Plan B} letter I sent you.

Love, Monty

Monty,

I bet you that SH didn't tell you to keep contact after that visit !. aren't you suppose to do the visit just to show concern then back to plan B ?.

Don't take her actions personally. She is still in the fog. They know they make mistake and they are paranoid about it. WS probably think "if BS did this to me I would @#!$%%^ !". Stay away and you have planted a seed in there and just wait and see if that seed will grow or die.

-rh-

Dear Monty,

I am so sorry that you did not have the strength to jump straight back into Plan B the day after the operation, because of your hope that your WW would wake up and see your kindness and care.

I am sure it has been very hard for you, to see her soften up to you, the moment she layed there with the cuddly soft toy, grateful for your care. It probably got you thinking that this was your chance and it was hard to hear our advice to go back into Plan B so she would not feel like she was forced to give something back.

Done is done. Get back into Plan B. And like everybody said, you HAVE planted a seed, wait to see if it will grow, but whilst waiting, please put your energy into yourself and your D. Find happiness within yourself and your every day life.

You have done a wonderful job and you are a wonderful person to have shown the strength and willpower in this situation. What an amazing man you are and what a lucky daughter you have to have a father like you.

Hugs Queen

Well I played it by ear....... but I guess I was a little tone deaf. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Steve Harley told me to break Plan B for the "event". I had told him that if I didn't take care of W that the OM would, enabling him to make many love deposits while I made none. He agreed with me.

In truth, I didn't fully understand whether he meant while she was in the hospital or the recovery too when she couldn't care for herself at home. I sure can see logic of what has been pointed out by a number of you; to have gone immediatly into Plan B after the surgery. It would have been a strong statement.

One good thing that might have been served was, she didn't know that the OM had just dropped her off and was not there for the surgery. He didn't come back until well after she was in recovery. She thought he was there during the surgery. I never mentioned his name though. I just simply said that I was there alone and the doctor came to me to say the surgery went well. I then expressed my gratitude to him and that my W was wise to put her faith in him. W didn't know this until a few days after the surgery.

I went back into Plan B yesterday. I have not sent any note or card yet but I will give one to my D to pass on to my W tonight. I wish I had the wisdom of you who responded to me on this thread. I stayed around just a little too long; just long enough for her to begin to get cool towards me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have a little more to respond to all who responded to me.
Mimi
Glad to hear that it is probably the fog talking. I got awfully discouraged from her repsonse.

Chris
I thought that breaking Plan B backfired because I didn't get the kind of response I thought that I would. You're right, I did plant the seed. I am just apprehensive that it might die. It's a realality I will just have to live with.

H4F
Yeah, I did take it too far. I didn't think so until the cool response I got yesterday. It's just too easy to want to keep hang on. It is so seldom I get to see or talk to W. I am lonely for her.

23down
Fog thinking is so bazaar to me, I am continually amazed at the fantastic stories and lies coming from a person I loved and respected for her good sense and honesty. It's the fog but I let her outragous logic floor me almost every time.

RH
SH didn't tell me to keep contact. I guess I heard what I wanted to. Some times I just loose the overall objective and the plan.

Queen
You really make me feel good about myself even though it wasn't a perfect effort. I think that the response I got from W by slipping this time will serve me well to remember just how important it is not to waiver on Plan B.

Again Thanks to all. I think I got it straight now.

Don't get down on yourself! You did what was right and you are human to want a little more from her. She feels so guilty that she has to label it stalking. Thank goodness your D disapproves too, and that makes her feel guilty especially since your D I am sure was rightly impressed by your goodness and love when your W was in the hospital.

Don't kick yourself for a teeny bit too much contact. This doesn't ruin the whole Plan B. I messed up a ton in my Plan B and H is home. Hang in there!