Wondering your opinion about how to handle sexual frustrations during the time of allowing Plan A to work. Wayward Wife has cut you off from all SF, won't participate.

I've found that occasionally (1/month or so)asking for my "need" to be met only takes us to a worse level. She will very grudgingly meet it, but I'm finding it more damaging to the interpersonal interaction and hurtful to the potential healing than if I don't get my needs met. Here's why.

You finish feeling awful. Like you've been with one who doesn't really love you i.e., almost like the unfulfillment I imagine at being with a prostitute (though thank God I have no experience there).

She acts like she's just "performed". Nothing more. No words. No eye contact. No hugging. Nothing. It's so bad, I've just quit asking or suggesting.

But the sexual tension and frustration from having been betrayed and not having my needs met is simply horrible and consuming.

For many men, the intimacy of warm & caring sexual relations is way high on their list of felt needs. I'm no different. After 4 years (since A) of this need not being met...it's gone just about as far as I can go with it.

Advice? Experience?

Man High Flight,

Sorry to hear about this. I didn't expect that you would say it's been 4yrs since the A. I figured more along the lines of a few months.

It makes me wonder why even after 4yrs she does not feel the emotional connection? You know when women feel that connection because you see it in their actions. Have you tried addressing this with her? How do you "ask" for your need to be met? Maybe asking makes it feel like a duty to her.

I remember how my WW acted during her A (same things you explained) and I would hope it would fade sooner then 4yrs. I'm going past 3 months without any SF myself, I feel your pain.

High flight, maybe I am mistaken, but isn't Plan A referring to a short term (6 month) plan with the specific aim to end a spouse's affair? 4 years would be too long, according to MB.
I agree that she has major unresolved issues within herself regarding sex with you that need to be addressed. Why is sex so unpleasant for her? Has this always been so? What about with om? Getting her to confide in you would seem to be the most helpful next step. How much talking do you do about personal relationship issues?
No advice, but lots of empathy.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Eduard:
<strong>Man High Flight,

It makes me wonder why even after 4yrs she does not feel the emotional connection? You know when women feel that connection because you see it in their actions. Have you tried addressing this with her? How do you "ask" for your need to be met? Maybe asking makes it feel like a duty to her.

.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she's held on to a form of blaming me for the A. She thinks I didn't meet her Codependent needs well enough before. So she went out and had an A.

I've tried explaining my need to her based on my EN as per Dr. H. Tried the best reading material on SF for men. Tried very gently asking if she would be willing to meet my need on her schedule. All this after she would go months and months with no regard for SF for me or her.

Maybe asking makes it feel like a duty to her.
It IS one of her "duties" as a spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by want2shine:
<strong>High flight, maybe I am mistaken, but isn't Plan A referring to a short term (6 month) plan with the specific aim to end a spouse's affair? 4 years would be too long, according to MB. Is she still involved with om? Why is sex so unpleasant for her? Has this always been so? What about with om? No advice, but lots of empathy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your warm thoughts & advice. I really feel pained for you with what you're going through. God is indeed near the broken hearted.

Her A was 4 yrs ago. Just getting to MB cause just found it! Went through 18 mos of therapy with a moderately good MT. Small town, take what you can get...No ultimate recovery. Getting worse again. Found MB. Also we're back into MC with same therapist.

So just starting my Plan A. My plan is 6 mos Sep 03 - Mar 04 or so. Then Plan B.

She claims no A at this time. No involvement with OM. I have no concrete evidence of one.

Sex was AWESOME for first 1/2 of our marriage. We've been together 10 yrs, married 9 this December.

She simply says she "doesn't love me like a wife is supposed to love her husband". Doesn't feel anything. No desire. No attraction. It's not a need she has she says.

MT says she has cut off this part of herself in her anger and pain over past relationships (2 marriages before me) and her codependant (her clinical diagnosis) overgiving. All the men in her life have wanted is sex from her. She consistently cut them off too. Now me. Now she doesn't want to give this part of herself, cause she doesn't feel safe in a relationship right now.

I've honestly tried since the A for 4 yrs to make her feel safe. I've given and given to her, almost to the point of codependant level myself. Now I've just about had enough of it. No reciprocation from her.

I keep repeating...Plan A till March....Sigh!

Chris- Right, it is a spouse's duty but it shouldn't necessarily feel like it. You know when mom "nags" you to take out the trash you don't really feel like doing it. Sometimes it's all about the approach not the actual question.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Eduard:
<strong>Man High Flight,

Sorry to hear about this. ... I'm going past 3 months without any SF myself, I feel your pain.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So Eduard (or anyone else too) what's your plan if you have a similar situation I'm facing???

I need ideas here. I'm going about nuts after 4 yrs of putting up with this not having my EN/PN meet

I have no plan but if I did I surely would share it with you. My WW moved 2k miles away so it's not an issue for me at the moment.

The only thing I can think of to change it would be to have her feel emotionally connected to you again. Women crave a very intimate emotional connection before having sex in my humble opinion. So I would do what ever I could to achieve that and then see where things go.

Have things gotten progressively better over the past 4 years? I thought I had read something saying if things haven't truly improved there may still be contact.

Eduard - I feel for you with the geographical separation. Really complicates things on one hand.

My WW & I are still living together in same house. Sharing same bed. Just no intimacy. She won't let me see her either naked or with underwear on. Yet we share the same bed.

Things have actually gotten progressively worse over past 4 years after an initial upsurge with initial MC.

Now we're back in therapy again. And after discovering MB, I'm trying to do a belated Plan A since September.