Pepperband & Ark, Orchid,

Hi, You may or may not remember me, but back in 8/03 and early 9/03, I was in contact with you all under the names PandJwillSurvive and then AlwaysBeenFaithful (ABF). A lot has happened since 9/10/03. I'm on my third username since then. Mostly bad has happened I'm afraid, but the fighting attitude is back in me and I am eagerly seeking your help. MelodyLane and BrokenHeart&Arm have been a great help.

If you can, would you please read my thread titled: How LBing got me arrested, now how do I reconcile? This will give you both a recap of my WH's affair, our situation and also the latest update and my thoughts on how I plan to proceed at this point. I am looking for encouragement and affirmation that love still can be restored.

Thank you,
Foreverfaithful (FF)

bump

Hi, how are you?

When I first read your other thread about LB'ing and getting arrested .... I asked myself this question:

Would I feel safe in the company of this woman if she were feeling very angry at me?

I don't think I would. Not yet. I think your self control is new and fresh. Keep working on it.

Your question here on this thread, is about the possibility of love being restored.

Sure, I think that it is possible to restore love here.

But, I don't think that is enough for a marriage as damaged as yours is right now.

More than love .... respect.

Do you respect your H?

Does he respect you?

If I were to suggest to you a starting point, it would be earn his respect. Offer your respect to him.


Respect is non-emotional. Love is too emotional right now.

It's not "safe" for him to love you right now. Your love for him gets all emotional and sometimes gets snagged by your anger.

So, start with demonstrating your non-emotional respect for him, and build slowly as you present yourself to be a safe person for him to be around.

Anger is always a secondary emotion, anger rises as a defense to a more tender and vulnerable deeper feeling. Like feeling scared. Your emotional firestorm was supposed to make your world a safer place to be .... but it didn't.

How do you protect your hurting heart?

with anger?
with depression?
with self-exploration?
with prayer or meditation?
with carbohydrates?
with exercise?
with art or music?
with friendly conversation?
with alcohol or drugs?

How do YOU want to protect your hurting heart?

You decide.

Love,

Pep

Pep,

Thanks. I hear you loud and clear. I would not feel safe around me yet either. Do I respect my WH? Honestly, I don't think I can at this point, but am willing to be open about the future of that. I believe I lost all respect for him the day I found out in July that he kept the A going after he said it wouldn't happen again.

As for how to protect my hurting heart, I have begun the process of releasing the anger I feel towards him and OW, one step at a time, one day at a time. I also have been praying emensely and also through exercising and working on my self image.

I am starting to answer the phone when he calls for the kids and being more calm whenever I speak to him. Hopefully this will help to soften his heart and mind about me.

Thanks again.
FF

A baby-step of beginning respect is to recognize your WH as a child of God. Base your respect on that, not on your H earning anything more at this point. Respect that God loves your WH.

Pray for the strength to show the margin of respect.

You will survive and thrive. Your've got the will.

Pep

Pep,

That is a very good point. I have for sure found God again (absent from church for a while previously) as a result of my ordeal. I just learned last Sunday that we should learn to love all people, even the people that hurt us since God's love for all of us never wavers, even when we sin as my WH did.

Thanks again for the encouragement. I will do that and keep it in mind.

FF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by foreverfaithful:
<strong> Pep,

Thanks. I hear you loud and clear. I would not feel safe around me yet either. Do I respect my WH? Honestly, I don't think I can at this point, but am willing to be open about the future of that. I believe I lost all respect for him the day I found out in July that he kept the A going after he said it wouldn't happen again.

As for how to protect my hurting heart, I have begun the process of releasing the anger I feel towards him and OW, one step at a time, one day at a time. I also have been praying emensely and also through exercising and working on my self image.

I am starting to answer the phone when he calls for the kids and being more calm whenever I speak to him. Hopefully this will help to soften his heart and mind about me.

Thanks again.
FF </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FF,
I am proud of the fact you are able to handle yourself well. It is hard but doable.

Remember it takes time to put your mind and heart in sync. Looks like you are getting there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,

Thanks for the encouraging reply. Hopefully I can put it to good use tonight during kid exchange.

Will keep you informed.

FF

Orchid,

Thanks for the encouraging reply. Hopefully I can put it to good use tonight during kid exchange.

Will keep you informed.

FF

Orchid,

Thanks for the encouraging reply. Hopefully I can put it to good use tonight during kid exchange.

Will keep you informed.

FF