I have 2 awesome Ds. They were always #1 in me and wifes lives. More so on her side. She basically lived for her girls. Well, now she spends maybe a couple hours a week with them if even that. She doesn't support them very much because she doesn't make much money and she has to live off of what she and OM make, which is next to nothing. I just don't understand how she can turn her back on the most important things in her life. Was wondering if any of you WW's could shed some light on how you felt about your kids during the time you were in the affair. Any inputs would really be appreciated....

.................bump..................

It's best if they (ws) don't think about them or see them much (kids), then it's easier on the ws. They don't have to deal with it.

My wife took off when our girls were just turned 8 and 13. She has only seen them 3 times in 5 years. She calls very sporadically. From every few months to almost a year in between.

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My husband and I had 50-50 custody...per our own verbal agreement. We worked together to make sure we each had time with our son. But I'll be perfectly honest...as much as I loved my son, and as much as I made sure he had the basic attention he needed...I was not NEARLY as attentive as I was before everything happend or after.

Understand that the mindset around the A is very selfish...plus the stress and confusion of everything is almost like having a mid life crisis or break down. It's sooo difficult to deal with kids, who require so much from you, when you're tapped out. I didn't want anyone around me who wanted something FROM me. That's why I was stressed out when I was around my H. He wanted me to want him, to pay attention to him, to GIVE to him. I had nothing...I was empty.

But things are back where they need to be now. Even when I'm exhausted from a day of serving others, and helping the community, and putting together reports for things, and even mentoring people off of this site...I STILL have the time, energy and motivation to make sure my boys (H and son) have attention and love from me too. I seem to have a neverending supply now....

Thanks for your inputs. My WW seems to get agrevated easily with my Ds, especially the oldest. I try to tell my girls to be nice to their mother because she is going through a hard time, and my youngest usually does pretty good, but my oldest lets her mom know how she feels when she gets angry...

i hate this question...
but only because it forced me to think about how selfish i was during my A...nope, the kids welfare came secondary to what I wanted, between myself and the om, i had convinced myself that if i was happy, my kids would be happy...they would get over the break up of our 20 year marriage and thrive just as well.....OMG..true fog crap eh?...

my daughter (13 at the time) came across emails,etc. between me and the om...she confronted me with this during a time i was trying to assert some authority over her..fine, i was mad at HER for snooping in my mail????...

wow, i know this makes me sound like a real ogre, but i just decided to post it to try to let you all see how deep the fog can be...it's all about the WS and what they want...scary stuff....

Dreamcatcher,
Thanks for your honesty. If you don't mind answering, how long were you in the fog and what made you decide to give your marriage another chance?

lwh...i'm ashamed to say i lived in fog land for close to 3 years...during this time, i strayed from my faith, my friends, my family and myself...my H never did discover the A and what finally drew me out of it was a period of NC with the om (during which it was his decision to put effort into his own marriage)...once i got over the withdrawal and pain of the ending of the A, i slowly started to see my life without the cloudiness of the A surrounding it. i realized that my H truly loved me more than the om ever could, and finally the thought of my kids and the rest of my family knowing what i had become really hit me hard...

i know now that had it come down to deciding to actually leave my marriage to be with the om, i wouldn't have been able to do it...thank God it never came to that...and as i read here i feel so much the pain of the BS...and feel so ashamed that i was about to inflict that on my own family...

lwh.. Just in case you need another example - luckily I was only in the fog shortly, because my H found out about the A in good time, but yes, my 2 darling kids came second. It was easy to leave them with H and just get away. We were getting close to separation, and possible divorce just before he found out, and I actually agreed that he could take our darling 1 1/2 year old D and move all the way across the country, and I would keep our son. I was OK with that!!! Know, a month later, I can't beleive I would have even considered that!!! Even during the A, I found that I didn't play with the kids as much, they were a nuicance (sp?), and my fuse with them was very short. I would spank the older one for things I wouldn't have before. For me, that's the saddest thing about looking back was how I started treating the kids. Hope this helps any.

Felina,
Thank you for posting. WW has been doing more with the kids these last few days. It's hard to believe the change in her since the affair started. She is definately not the woman that took so much care of our kids for so long. I hope she will eventually come back...

I confronted her when she first left and told her she had abandoned her kids. She got very angry and still holds that anger, claiming she never abandoned her kids. The one time we both saw a therapist together, she brought this up. The therapist even said she abandoned the kids and I think that really hurt her.

I think she is struggling with the fog right now and I'm hoping she'll eventually see more clearly. I know she is a good mom and she will be that again. I've never thought she was a bad person and I'll never think that. Hoping she'll eventually see through the fog......