My H has admitted two PA he had in the past 12 years. He also was trying to start another. Since d-day #1 - 17 September 2003, and d-day #2 - 21 October 2003, I am having problems controlling my emotions. I am either extremely depressed/crying or very angry. The brief times in between, I feel dead inside. My doctor prescribed AD but nothing has changed.

My H has been attending IC and my son started IC today. I am not seeing anyone. We have not discussed MC. My H's C told him that 2 months was too long for me to have these strong emotions. He told him that the reason I was so anger was because I loved my H. But I don't feel I love him anymore. How can I love someone that has contributed so much to my unhappiness?

My H told me tonight that he didn't love me when he had his As. He said he was unhappy in our marriage (which he never ever told me), saw something he wanted, and went after it -- said the sex was fun and exciting and he never thought about me.

Now that his As have ended and he has admitted them to me, he has decided he loves me and wants me to accept that and move on. He asked me how long we had to talk about his mistakes. I know I have been LB.

All I know is that the pain inside is sometimes unbearable - thoughts of suicide have entered my mind. I think I am afraid to let go of these emotions because when I don't feel them -- I feel NOTHING. I think I'm moving toward indiffence. I don't want to let him hurt me again. I didn't know about the A before he told me but now if I decide to stay, I am asking to be hurt.

We have been together 24 years and have two sons. I feel he has taken so much from me. I can't pretend nothing has happened, which is what my H wants.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I told my H to take our two sons out to eat - without me.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Hi and welcome to MB,

1st of all you are in the beginning stages and most BS go through at least 5 separate stages similar to the grieving stages one goes through when losing a loved one in death.

I don't have the link handy but if you find a poster by the user name of RedHat, he usually has he link in his post.
RH is a good friend and often when I post his name, he shows up and helps me out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for you accepting him and moving on, well let's just say that life is not that simple. You have been betrayed and it will take time for you to love and trust again.

Right now don't think about love. Many equate it to sex and the 2 couldn't be farther apart.

Get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both are by Dr W. Harley. Then I recommend you setup a phone counseling session or 2 with either Jennifer, Steve or Cerri here at MB.

Your H can move forward but you are still in shock. Anxiety attacks, feelings of despair, depression and suicide are common to the BS.

1,. Breathe...... practice this when those moments that overwhelm you hit.

2. Identify your support group. Put them on alert. Recognize that your support group can be a friend, doctor, minister, relative, co-worker, neighbor, the family pet, a hobby, music, your children, etc. Anyone or thing that will help you regain your senses.

3. Know you are not alone. Vent here as needed. Read the concepts section above and take the Emotional needs questionnaire. If you can get your H to do so geat. If not pretend you are him and do it for him.

4. He can move forward because he knows where he has been. You are probably not sure what you know or if it is the truth. He has to realize that he needs to help you. Also he needs to get help for himself.

5. Know that recovery will not always mean moving forward. Know that we don't call it the rollercoaster for nothing.

6. If your H starts whimping out, don't panic. Don't teach him anything right now unless he asks for assistance. He is healing also but at a different pace,

7. Instill love and support to your R and your family. The children need to know you both love them and will not abandon them. They may know more than you realize.

take care,
L.

Toofargone - Pay no attention to H's counselor saying 2 months is too long to feel like you do. That is a bunch of baloney. It has been almost five months for me, and I am on anti-D's, and I still feel a lot like you. However I put H out of the house and he is now living with OW. Just remember it is natural to grieve. Your marriage, self esteem, feelings, and dreams have taken a big hit. Not only that but new grief often brings up old, unfinished grief. Take your time and work through it this time. It's even okay to wallow in it for awhile, miserable, but necessary. And I promise you, things will get better. But don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a right to feel like you do. We're all here to help you through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong>WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid always has a way to draw me in from on lurker to partake. This one I almost missed it, she only used my initial <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU !. You love your WH so much and it hurts. Are you a Christian ?.

You have to let him fillin your ENs that is the only way you could rekindle your love for him. Let him do it and tell him how best (detail&specific) to deposit LB$. You have to learn about MB concepts ... Care (ENs), protect (no LBs), time and radical honesty.

To forgive is not to forget. To forgive is not to hold his action against him but there is no way you would be able to forget his betrayal. However w/ proper care you would be able to fade this mess. Again let him fillin your ENs, go even you don't feel like it ... you don't need to do anything, he is the one.

Count your blessing too. There are many BW here would be glad to switch position w/ you.

-rh-

RedHat,
Please attach the link about the 5 stages of grieving. My other 'puter is on the fritz and I don't have access to my doc w/the MB links.

Thanks, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
L.

Thanks RH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I wanted to update you on how my Thanksgiving day went. My H took my sons out to eat dinner. I went to a movie - alone. Before they left my younger son told me that he hated me and wanted me to get out of the house. He started IC and his C said it was okay for him to yell at me -- and that I was wrong for being angry and wanting to talk about the As with my H.

While my H was spending the last 12 years loving OW he had little or no concern for my needs or the needs of our children. In the past 2 years, he wouldn't talk to our older son and refused to tell our sons that he loved them. Now that he has disclosed affairs, he is trying to reestablish a bond. He told both of them that he wants the marriage to work and is trying. He has started calling our older son regularly, taking him to play golf, etc.. and he has started letting our younger son do whatever he wants -- including being disrespectful to me.

So, my younger son now thinks I am the problem because I am having a hard time dealing with this loss. At times, he won't even speak to me.

My H and sons were my whole world. I loved them and did everything I could to make them happy. My parents are both dead, my brother and sister live out of state, I have no close friends. Now it feels like they are all against me -- my H, who is not helping me, my sons, and the counselors. I don't have anything left.

Toofargone,

How old are your S ?. I would not let my kids speak like that to me, regardless what anybody say. If my 2 D did that, w/ no LB, I would told them that I am their father, I love them and be with them and if they don't like it ... don't let the door hit you on the way out.

They are not against you, they just unleash their anger on you. Why angry ? ... beneath anger there is hurt and it is easy to cover hurt with anger so one don't need to deal with it ... Don't be a victim, no LB but don't take the verbal abuse and don't let them win. If you show your are hurt they will keep doing it to you !. You are feeding yourself to your S's angry monster, you are as guilty as your H that allows it. This is my oppinon, you should take all the reason why they react that way to you. I would go to dinner w/ them.

Now I a have few question for you. Do your S know about A ?. Depending on their age you should tell them. Is H stoping all contact with OW ?. Is he trying or treat you cold now ?. What did your H says about your S behavior ?.

Read about HNHN ... you have to let H know what are your need and let H to fillin it. Stop LB. Talking and asking detail about A is not LB ... it is part of healing. However when you start putting anger behind your question you are LBng. You have to stop that.

Listen ... yes, you are hurt of this betrayal, you were a victim. Now you make your self a victim. If H starts doing his job as a father, praise the Lord, he should do that. If WH starts doing his job as H and try to earn his place again as H ... take it.

Why don't you get a make over ?. Go and buy new dress ... this is shooping time, no body terat you good, you should at least treat yourself not joining them. Get nail & hair done too. If S & H disrepect you, no LB told them away. If S & H are fillin your needs, take it.

-rh-

TFG

I probably am one not to give advice since I am in the middle of my nightmare and don't really know what I am doing but......

Regarding your younger son. My kids would come home from time with their mother and I could feel the bad vibes. I would get out of them things like "its your fault her A happened" or "why did you close the bank account to mom its her money too" or "you should be talking to mom" (I am in plan B).

I would try to calmly (not easy for me as I would get emotional) explain my side of it and they would usually see my point (kids are not stupid).

When your boy makes negative statements, get the specifics and then defend each point in a calm manner. I believe you cannot let the propaganda slide or they then start believing what your H is telling them.

God bless.

Stayin' dark. DD