So my H came home 6 weeks ago. As some of you know, contact continued until (supposedly) Tuesday of last week. This was the day that my H took me to dinner and expressed his total commitment by buying me a new wedding ring. He also told me he would go to counseling, work through SAA, and generally see what he could do to fulfill my emotional needs. Well, gradually throughout the week, he's gone back on all of it. First, no counseling, then no SAA, until Saturday night when he told me he's "sick to death" of talking about our marriage. He wants to do NOTHING and he says he hopes things will just get better with time. So my question is this: Is he just angry and sad because of withdrawal from OW, or is he trying to tell me that he's withdrawing from me again?

It could be a combination of both. Recovery is often referred to as a rollercoaster because there are so many ups and downs. Keep focused on the goal. I know that it is hard when things don't seem to be going good. <BR>I found that when we were in a downturn if I could refrain from lovebusting, it helped my H get back on track. This is the beginning of your recovery. You can expect to have moments like this. He may withdraw. you may withdraw. Try to stay positive and remember your long range goal.

My H was the same way- swore he wanted to reconcile with me, took me to Red Lobster to tell me so- then the next 2 mo slept on the couch still didnt touch me,mentioned D from time to time and was depressed. My best advice to you is to NOT ask him about his feelings for you or OW - I know this is SO HARD to do! but its for the best. Let God take control of your marriage and you just go along for the ride for awhile. Confide in your friends, relatives anyone but your H. Leave him alone to sort things out. Do your own thing.Be friendly but casual. Dont ask him out on dates with just the 2 of you- believe me I did that and it made things WORSE not better. But you can do things as a family or in a group etc- thats fine. My H finally started counseling again( the first few times he went he said he didnt know if he wanted the marriage or not) and became intimate with me again about 4 mo into withdrawal- withdrawal will on begin when COMPLETE lack of contact with OW begins. Take care and hang in there- we are in recovery now. lifeismessy

To Lifeismessy:<BR>How did you finally KNOW that contact with OW stopped? OW sent the "no contact" letter back to me (unopened and cut up), so I have no real idea what my H said to her. He'd lied to me and her about his reasons for coming home in the past.

I don't know the whole story but he may "want" to be committed to you. But you could be pushing a bit too much.<BR>From what it sounds like he never had an intermission (withdrawal). <BR>I would try giving the marriage talks a break and talk about other things for awhile. When he is ready to talk he'll initiate the conversation, but I would still recommend you take it slow. Leave him do most of the talking.

well its quite hard to tell when complete contact has ended. That is the tricky part since you cant police H 24/7. If he seems very teary and depressed thats a good indication withdrawal has started. If he is still angry with you it probably means he's still in contact. the book surviving an affair has alot of signs to look for as to when withdrawal has truly started. This is a tricky time so be sure to give your H space and not press for deep discussions if you think he's in the start of withdrawal. Good luck- its awful I know! lifeismessy

I agree with lifeismessy that you should give your husband to God. My guess is that your husband thought rebuilding would be easier, but is overwhelmed.<P>Perhaps he just needs more downtime to process information overload in between sessions, whether it's professional counseling or personal discussions with you about your marriage.<P>Don't give up! Maybe if you just took breaks between talks, or ask him and decide together (policy of joint agreement) how much time (minutes, hours) per week is acceptable to him and then drop all discussions during the time between? This would remove a lot of pressure, IMHO, and H would feel safer to approach you.