Here's the current situation and forgive my length of this--W and I have been married for 9 years. We have a 9 year old son and have had a lot of extreme career changes within the past year. I went from being in the restaurant business to pharmaceutical sales and she completed her degree and is now a financial anyalst. Literally we went from earning $50k/year and living in a duplex to $120k/year within 18 months. During that time, she had an affair that was spawned by my earlier attitude that she needed to change certain things--lose weight, personal organization, development etc. . .when it all broke and I found it out, I vowed to do whatever to make things better. <BR>I changed radically and realized that a lot of the problems were a result of me wanting the "perfect w" and I renewed my vow to her that I would lover her the way she was always--That has been a given.<P>Her initial reaction after I discovered her A was to go through counseling. We were in the process of closing on our first house and it was a very stressful time. We both went and I thought things were going better. After we moved into our new house, I busted her talking to Him on the phone. She said he was being relentless but she was trying to put an end to it.<P>Throughout this past year, she has been a pathological lier and self-admittedly so. I have a high profile job but have still managed to take care our our son, pay the bills, do our landscaping, keep the house clean and pretty much do everything that needs to be done in order to maintain order.<P>During the last year, we have had a couple of "separations" where she moved out and lived with her sister or friends while she "sorted things out". It probably didn't constitute true separaration because we did have speaking contact and tried to make it easy on our son.<P><BR>Once again, she is in the mix of lying constantly and "avoiding" the house and me as much as possible. She goes out, does stuff and says she will be home at certain times and then comes home (sometimes not) whenever she feels like it.<P>After busting her again in a lie this weekend, I asked her what the deal was. As we both got emotional on the phone, she said it hurt her to hurt me but she needed a "true separation" so she could find out what she had to lose and that I needed to move out while she sorted it all out. <P>I was livid, because I have been the pillar of a parent, spouse etc while she has partied and lied--She essentially wants me to move into an apartment while she reclaims her life as a mother or whatever in my opinion. I personally don't feel as though it is my spot to have to make concessions to do that-- if she wants a "separation" then she should move out and sort things out. I haven';t done anything wrong and the sad thing about it is her parents and family are completely behind me to "stick up for myself" on this issue. Granted, I'm normally a pretty agressive individual with a tremendous amount of self confidence, my biggest concern now is to keep our marriage and not have our son go through a divorce. I am the adopted parent of him (she was 3 months pregnant when we met) and have been the steady parent throughout all of this--I make excusest to him when she doesn't come home or spends the night at friends because of her issues.<P>I would love to have the groups' thoughts on this and some timely advice. I really don't feel it is my place to pack my bags and move out while she does whatever it is she is doing. As we speak, she was going to be home at 5:00 to have dinner with my son and me and now it is 7:00 and she is now leaving the lake (. . ."I was at the mercy of others. . .). Please help and thanks. I will do just about anything to make my marriage better, but it's not up to me at this point--<P>

If she wants out, let her move out.<P>That's the consequences of separation, you don't get it all. So if she wants to be apart, let her go get the apartment. <P>Moving out and leaving your son can have legal consequences, so consult a lawyer first - if you decide to be the one to go.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I agree.<P>If she wants to separate to "sort it all out" then she would be the one to leave.<P>If she wants to see what she has to lose, she won't see it if she has the home and child and everything else...<P>Typically, though not always, this "separation to sort things out" is fog speak for being able to see the OP without being accountable to anyone for time spent away fromthe primary relationship. <P>Perhaps this is not the case for you but I would guess it is the case more often than not.<P>Stick to your guns and stay where you are.<P>My $0.02<P>Good Luck<P>E <P>

Thoughts from a WS:<P>I have taken advantage of two of the opportunities that separation has given me. The first was being able to be with OW whenever I wanted, without the fear of being caught. The second (which I realized weeks after the first began to wear off)was a realization of all that I would be giving up, family, a W that I thought I hated but really didn't. And in the course of about a month, I've shifted my focus from one to another. <P>At first, the separation was a godsend. It was total freedom for me and OW. We set up house in my new place, spent the night together every night, and went out on dates freely. Then I asked myself, how I would be coping with the separation if OW weren't here? She provided a comfortable distraction from my real problems. She filled the gaps created by the separation. I came to realize that <P>I wasn't dealing the problem which led the the breakdown of my M. So now I am here, searching for answers, too. <P>As far as your WS, it almost sounds like she wants the same freedom that I enjoyed initially. Let her go, maybe she'll figure it out on her own. <P>Funny thing about the A, you go from having these encounters where you're sneaking around so as to not get caught. And it's very exciting at the time. Haxing sex at the office after hours, in parked cars, restrooms, anywhere you can do it or just be together. You do things in places most married coupled would never dream of. It's very intoxicating.<P>Then, when you make the separation and you can be with your lover without worry of getting busted, the relationship takes on a completely different flavor. Sex in parked cars? What for? Then, your intimate moments happen in conventional places, like the bedroom. Most of the need to sneak around disappears. And now you're a 'normal' couple. <P>Get where I'm going?<P>You can't force her to change, that has to come from within. Sooner or later she will come around. <P><BR>Hope this helps.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><B>I agree.<P>If she wants to separate to "sort it all out" then she would be the one to leave.<P>Typically, though not always, this "separation to sort things out" is fog speak for being able to see the OP without being accountable to anyone for time spent away from the primary relationship. <P>Perhaps this is not the case for you but I would guess it is the case more often than not.<P>Stick to your guns and stay where you are.<P>My $0.02<P>Good Luck<P>E <P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So far, everyone is correct in their advice! A lawyer will tell you that you could be accused of "Family Abandonment". This could work against you in case of a D! Don't you get yourself into trouble, because your WS is totally "FOGGED"! <P>I agree w/ Elad, that this will probably give your WS more time w/ the OM. But, hopefully, she will see the error of her ways, and realize what she is doing to you, and her family! Dr. Harley would probably tell you that almost all A's end, and/or die a natural death. <P>Also, keep this in mind....... Your WS will ALWAYS compair you and the OM! (I.E. If you do a great Plan A, she will eventually see that you are the better man to be with! ) <P>Good luck, and God Bless!<P>HT <P>